The other family

My aunt related to me by affair, died this week. She had a heart attack. I barely knew her and perhaps have seen her a handful of times. She belonged to the "other family"...

You see my maternal great grandfather had two women. He had been with my great grandmother first and then the mistress came along.They didn't know about each other until it came time for him to choose. My great grandmother didn't have much, but she was intelligent, ambitious and strong. He didn't choose her. And when it was time to leave, he said that he couldn't possibly leave this other woman because she needed him. She wouldn't be able to survive on her own, as he knew my great grandmother could. They say, his mistress had wrapped him around her little finger so tightly, they didn't who he was anymore. There was hushed conversations of witchraft involved...my great grandmother fought and begged for him to stay...

At the end of the day, he left. He left her and their children for his mistress and their children.

So my grandfather and his siblings lived in fishermans cottage, little better than a shack. Sleeping in one room on the floor...where the other family seemed to do well. I can only imagine the bitterness my grandfather must have felt.

Well, years later blood has told. Our family has prospered and theirs haven't. There isn't a shack in sight, we have good paying jobs and ambitiously we persue our dreams and careers - and we are successful at it. I wish my great grandmother could see the line of women that has come after her. What we have done and accomplished, even though she had to scrape and beg to keep a roof over her families head. I believe it was because she remained faithful to God and although she never got to see us in action, her sacrifice has paved the way for us.

The "other" family struggles. Poverty stricken, living in a slum - going nowhere slowly. I feel the corner of my mouth turn up in scorn - my heart whispers the words "this is what you get"...I feel petty, but somehow their downfall has fed my attitude of vengeance. My family suffered, heartbroken and alone my great grandmother was left to fend for herself and now look...blood tells.

Why did my great grandfather do it?

I actually believe that just as my great grandmothers actions has influenced our family line, his actions have influenced theirs. They are paying the price for his disloyalty. He brought into that home, a spirit of lust, betrayal and brokeness. Its a generational curse brought on by his own actions. Today, parts of that family is christian and they pray and attend church - but I wonder if that they understand the bigger picture of why they are where they are. Did they think, that life just happened this way? I feel bad for the upcoming generations and I believe that a full recovery can be made - but a price must be paid and today we see it happening.

We like to think of ourselves seperate from the generations before us, but its all linked. Things are passed down - hardships and blessings due to someone elses actions- this is how things work. Our partners are porn addicts for a reason - it would be interesting to know what happened in that family line (if the family is honest enough to say it like it is)...

We have a serious problem with lust and abuse in my family line from both sides. In every generation, we see it pop up. Its there because we have failed to make the right decisions, when we were called to be righteous and do the right thing.

I would be lying if I said my decision to stay up to this point hasn't been largely, because I believe that my son will reap the rewards if I stay. My husband comes from a broken home, because his father was a philandering jerk and his father before him was an absentee dad. I want more for my son than the life, his father and grandfather has up to this point had  laid out for him.

Of course, if my husband continues being unfaithful - I wouldn't want my son around that either - but while we are all trying, I will stay because I believe that will bring about positive change in his family line and my son will be in a better place for it.

As future elders of our families, we need to understand what we do now matters. We need to truly embrace the idea that we have the power to change things for the better or the worst and that sometimes to see joy and goodness in our families we need to pay the price for someone elses bad choices.

She said no, but she meant yes...

"In South Africa, a woman has a greater chance of being raped 

than learning how to read..."

One in three of the 4,000 women questioned by the Community of Information, Empowerment and Transparency said they had been raped in the past year. A survey conducted among 1,500 schoolchildren in the Soweto township, a quarter of all the boys interviewed said that 'jackrolling', a term for gang rape, was fun. More than 25% of South African men questioned in a survey admitted to raping someone; of those, nearly half said they had raped more than one person, according to a new study conducted by the Medical Research Council (MRC). It is estimated that 500,000 rapes are committed annually in South Africa. A 2010 study led by the government-funded Medical Research Foundation says that in Gauteng province, home to South Africa's most populous city of Johannesburg, more than 37 percent of men said they had raped a woman. Nearly 7 percent of the 487 men surveyed said they had participated in a gang rape. South Africa has some of the highest incidences of child and baby rape in the world with more than 67,000 cases of rape and sexual assaults against children reported in 2000.(http://www.rape.co.za/)

                                                 "She said no, but she meant yes..."

A story caught my eye the other day. It was about the man they now call the "Facebook rapist".  He had done some despicable things including rape and when they asked why he had done it - he said it was the spirit of lust. Some scoffed, but I immediately knew what he meant. The kind of lust he was talking about, isn't the kind of butterflies in your tummy feeling when you see someone attractive. This is the ugly, compulsive need to treat someone else like trash in the most worst possible way. Its that feeling that doesn't recognise the other person as a human being - instead they are just objects to be used and abused. 

                            " In most cases of rape, the rapist had been watching porn"

Objectification is a massive part of porn addiction. The inability to actually see the other person.  Porn glorifies the man who can subdue the "unwilling" woman. It glamorises men forcing themselves onto women, because ALL women like to be treated roughly. It teaches us, that deep down, all women are whores and are up for it, anytime.

In a poverty ridden country, we do what we can to entertain ourselves. We look for cheap and easy access activities. Sex and porn has become an easy solution for boredom...and look what its done to my country. We have the highest rate of rape and HIV/AIDS in the world. Nobody can tell me, that porn plays no part in this.

Porn destroys more than just relationships. It destroys cities...countries. It infiltrates the very fabric of who we are and it turns us into predators. Porn turns loved ones to victims and blinds the heart of the perpetrator, until they lose sight of who they really are...

                                     We hide from God, ashamed of what we have become....

                                        Father please forgive us...what have we done?

Fear infested waters

Tomorrow I go back to work after 3 months of maternity leave and all I can say is "THANK YOU GOD", for bringing me through.

My husbands' infidelities came to light when I was 7 months pregnant. The pain and misery would have killed me, but somehow God held me in the palm of His hand and protected me and my unborn son. I was so worried, that the stress would somehow mess up his development - but his a perfect beautiful baby boy. Thank you Jesus.

There were days, when for fleeting moments when I thought it would be easier just to end my life. These thoughts were just as quickly dismissed as I knew my self worth and the worth of my son was far greater than my circumstances. Thank you God.

Moments turned into hours of bitterly crying. I cried and cried until my nose was numb from wiping and my eyes were rung dry. Feeling alone,rejected and unloved, I remembered that He said he would never leave me, nor forsake me - oh how I am so undeserving  Your mercy and grace. I had left to worship at his alter, when I promised You my heart. How great is Thy faithfulness...

I was drowning in fear infested waters and you said, if I trust You...if only I believe - You will bring me through. Fear held me by the ankles and pulled and tugged me under. It nipped at my heels and grazed my belly. Drowning, falling, fading into darkness- you pulled me out - Thank you God.

In the cold depths of my despair, Your Spirit comforted me. Held me close, stroked my hair, said it will be okay,to trust in the plans You have for me. Blinded by my tears, I closed my eyes and listened to Your voice. Oh how sweet the sound....Your Holy Spirit has walked with me and comforted me, reminding me of who I am.  

I am the daughter of the great I AM. 

Sorry Daddy, for neglecting our relationship - Thank for loving me through it all. You heard my prayer and answered my call - without you I am nothing. I was lost and drowning in the inky blackness of the night - You grabbed me around the waist, lifted me up towards the horizon and showed me the coming light. 

Thank God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for all You have done.

Amen.

Father forgive me, I have sinned...

Did I not see his addiction, because I was an addict too?

This is my confession....

When I was 11 years old, I found a Mills and Boon book in my grandmothers house. It was nothing as risque, as you get in todays books. Back  then the sighting of a heaving bosom was as scintillating as it got. I fell in love immediately. I read that book over and over again, until it literally fell apart.

The rush of feelings that swept my body felt incredible. By then I had noticed boys and I had, had a couple of crushes - but this "feeling" was on a whole new level. I was experiencing lust for the first time and it felt good. My mom caught me reading this book and threw the book away. I took it out of the trash, locked myself in the bathroom and read it again. I wish I could I tell you that this was the end, but it was just the beginning.

I started looking for more and when the local library ran out of books, I searched for bookshops that had the kind of books I was looking for. No longer was the sighting of a "globe" exciting, I needed more...a lot more. The more graphic the better. I was readying about 6 or 7 books a week. I was about 14/15 years old. I used my lunch and travel money to buy books. Choosing to walk home and go hungry, so I could get my fix. And when I didn't have money...I stole. I wanted the books...I NEEDED them. It felt great to "get away with it" and then I started stealing books, even though I had the money. The high from getting away with it and enjoying my treasure was so intoxicating. I did it as often as I could...but then my conscience would attack and I would stop stealing completely or I would buy some and take some, telling myself that I am repeat customer, so they are still making money...

Of course I masturbated, as the feelings coursing through my body was highly addictive and no man could match that feeling. So much so, that I wonder if I have forever reprogrammed by body, only to highly aroused by these books instead of with the man that I love. Today, I don't orgasm...ever. Sex is a great and wonderful experience, but its a different feeling to one I have when reading. My husband thinks I don't understand the feeling and compulsive needs around masturbation and watching porn, but I understand only to clearly. I have felt so disgusted with myself. The need to read and masturbate was compulsive...

It went on this way for years and then I stumbled across online sex. And WOW!! What a rush. Its incredible. I could write my own Mills and Boon scenes with a willing,anonymous partner. The dirtier, the better. By then I had met my husband and I loved him. I figured though, that since I am not actually doing anything physical, it wasn't being unfaithful. But then I started getting irritated with him, more than I should. I was beginning to lose that loving feeling. The more online sex I had, the less I "loved" my boyfriend. One day I sat at my desk ( I was having online sex at work, using work resources...oh man, just writing that made me so sad) and I realised, that I had to choose between my online lover and my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend...it took a while for my system to calm down, but after about two weeks I started feeling like my old self again.I remember that there were days when I felt weak and I would go these online websites and just kinda cruise around...I realised that if I didn't stop cold turkey I would just go back, so every day I committed to not going back to these sites. 

It was getting to scary. I chose to leave my job and work someplace else. A week before my final day, my boss called me into the office and asked me if I let other people use my computer. My sixth sense told me to lie and I said yes, all the time. And then he said, "oh because we got a report that someone is accessing porn from your computer" - I of course acted appropriately disgusted...I remember feeling relieved and grateful that I was leaving this job in a couple of days...I never made that mistake again at the workplace, but seriously what the hell was wrong with me...

I continued reading as much Mills and Boon and other hardcore material I could get my hands on. I flirted with friends - I always thought, that it was no big deal, but given the right kind of environment what would have I done? I had a close call one day, when this guy which invited me to his place. I was tempted for like a second and then I thought to myself WTF and stopped it right there. Its only beens Gods grace, that unlike my husband I haven't actually gone out and made a play for some guy.

When my boyfriend proposed, we moved in together. Our sex life dewindled. He was watching tons of porn and would prefer to touch himself and I was reading Mills and Boon books and thick 'romantic" novels. I put down our lack of sex to just being a phase in the relationship at the time. I never saw the danger surrounding us.

That year my husband started picking up girls on trains and I had a weird expierience. One day, hubby gets up and goes to work. I remember lying in bed and it felt as if someone was straightening out and parting my legs. In half a daze, I thought I was sleeping - but I remember distinctly feeling "awake" but unable to move. I remember feeling like I was about to sex, but noone was there. The feeling called to me and tempted me to just relax and enjoy it. But my sixth sense kicked in and I realised, that something weird was happening and I started to struggle against the feeling and get out of bed. It was so hard! I got so scared. The more I struggled, the more it felt like something was working its way up my body. I started to pray and "it" released me. I stumbled out of bed, shaken and relieved - and yet I perversely missed that sexual feeling. During my darker periods of despair, when I wonder if my husband is telling the truth regarding whether his porn addiction. I remember this thing that happened and I remind myself that  clearly we have issues with lust and I do believe that what I was expieriencing was demonic. Lust pervaded our home and was pulling us further into the darkness and we never saw it coming...

For a while I didn't read Mills and Boons books, but inevitably I started a short while later. Intimacy was nowhere to be found in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once every couple of weeks. We loved each other, but we were not IN love. This is how we carried on for years. Then one day I found out I was pregnant and I asked God, to help us be the best parents we could be for our son. Soon after I discovered my husband having an affair and everything unravelled.

My husband made life altering decisions in the face of his porn addiction, I chose to stand with him. As a family we do not watch nor read porn. We are careful about the kinds of movies we see.We do not masturbate. We have chosen to only share sexual contact with each other and our sex life has never been better.

Some days its hard for me. The impulse to masturbate is strong, but I have taught myself to focus on something else. And when this doesn't work, I simply have to fight through the feeling. Lately I have had "flashbacks" of my favourite Mills and Boon scenes. It just pops up in my mind at unexpected times. I haven't read a book in months...7 months to be exact. As soon as it pops up, I start thinking of something else. But that feeling to enjoy it...noone will know, is so tantalising. 

And this is how I realised that my husband does not stand alone in the porn addict stakes. Yes, I didn't go as far as he did, but I have dishonoured him and God nonetheless.

So as a family, with God firmly leading us forth. We are forging a new path, for a better healthier kind of life. I have realised, that without God my family and I will fall apart. I am sorry, that wondered away from Him so far, but today right here, right now I confess with heart that I have sinned and I am so sorry.

God has heard my cry and He has saved me....