I am losing my shit

It was around this time last year that my world was caving in around me and I am currently losing my shit. I am convinced his cheating on me again.

Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...

This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways

Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.

His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...

I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.

He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:

"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...

I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.

I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.

Im going to go for walk...".

He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...


We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.

Am I whore enough for you now?

I am seething with doubt. I look at my husband and all I want to do is divorce him and maybe go back to dating him. I know its weird, that I would date but not marry - but thats how I feel. I feel like I want the chance to choose.HE chose to marry me under false pretenses. HE lied to me about his faithfulness and committment. HE chose that while I work my ass off for our family, HE would try and sleep with anyone that would have him. HE chose this life...I didn't.

I was taken in by false advertising. I bought the product, but the gaurentee of a lifetime faded before I ever got it out of the box and I would like to return to sender. I feel disempowered and victimized - I placed my hopes and dreams in someone who didn't deserve it and now...now I am meant to forgive and move on. If it wasn't for my son, I would. Having him here complicates my decisions - I would walk away in a heart beat, but what about my sons heart?

So I have decided not to breathe a word about whether hubby is being faithful. Its hard, and surprisingly my focus has shifted to food and a part of me hopes to be anorexic so that he could suffer more guilt. I fantisise about yelling at him " Isn't this what you wanted? For me to look like one of your whores?" I want him to pay for breaking my heart. I want to wound him. Even if its an inch of how I feel, it would be enough pain to last a lifetime. I want him to doubt himself. To turn away from the mirror whenever he catches his reflection. I want him to feel like I do - disgusted with himself, ashamed of how he looks and heartbroken at the thought that maybe his not good enough.

His emails are littered with "honeys" and "mwahs". The closer we get to the picture of how it was before, the more uncomfortable I get. I have seen this scene and it decieved me...fool me once....

I long to put out the light and then put out the light...

My son is my only happiness

Why me?

Weight at start: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 105.9
Lost: 4.7 kgs

arrivederci, goodbye and go well....

Its a new year!!

I can't say goodbye to 2011 fast enough. Its a fabulous feeling to say this happened last year.What a year... the greatest pain and the greatest joy all rolled into one. I often wonder why things happened the way it did. Holding my son in my arms, I now know why. It would have taken the greatest amount of love to counter the greatest amount of hurt. If my son wasn't there, I doubt I would still be married today.

The Christmas season was wonderful and tiring. I looked at my husband and wondered why couldn't he have just kept his d*ck to himself. Christmas day, looking at youngsters running around catching up to no good, the older generation sitting back, talking about how things used to be...watching the the adults laugh together - I wondered why I...we...weren't enough for him. I don't think he even knows the answer...

And now I don't know whether we will survive this year - but what I do know is that God has been good to me! I will not be entrapped in this bondage again. I see my life for what it is and not the masquerade my husband put on for me.

Every day I am rediscovering who I am in this relationship. I read this post on the the betrayed wives club site and its added such value already to how I am going about my life. It said, let go of the things you used to do. All it does it remind you of how things used to be pre discovery and it shows in stark relief what now exists. That's happened to me. The pain and the bitterness is enough swallow me whole. So its time for a change. I am starting with my wedding anniversary.

Hubby and I started dating on the 31st December 2002. We got married on the 1st March 2008. As new year approached this year, I realised that I don't see any reason to celebrate our marriage as I could barely stand the thought of celebrating our relationship. So I told him that our wedding anniversary is off the table. He was concerned, but I don't care. As a matter fact, I am really beginning to like the idea of going away by myself around March, just to take stock of my life.

I am tempted to cut out Valentines Day too, as last year (yeah, that felt good to say) I was sending him public messages of love while he was most likely having online sex with someone else...talking about that. I don't know why, but I keep thinking that he had someone in our house. I was away on business. I came back and the house was spotless and I mean SPOTLESS. When I walked through the door, he hugged me, took my luggage and firmly placed in the middle of our bed...I had been away for two weeks. When I went in for a snuggle, he wasn't interested. I don't know whether to let it go or not. If anything, I have realised, that my gut is generally on point and that the most simple explanation is probably the right one. But what's the point of bringing it up? He has done the worst...perhaps more often than he has let on. But when I took him back, I took him knowing this to probably be true...I guess its just hard to let go.

But here is to the new year. New possibilities and opportunities, new life and new relationship. Thank you God for bringing me through 2011. Help me to rely on you in 2012.  Restore me and my marriage in line with Your will. Nothing is impossible for my God...

I'm a dirty girl

To whom it may concern: I am dirty, dirty girl...
I have found this phenomenal site called "Dirty Girl Ministries" https://dgm.onthecity.org/home

Oh my...

I have been feeling so alone. As a Christian in South Africa, we tend to be a very conservative bunch. Nobody wants to know about porn addiction in the congregation. We can barely talk about how to treat your wife and husband with respect in case we offend some custom or tradition. I have been searching for something to help women, but according to my search for support- apparently in SA only men suffer from porn addiction :-(


Maybe I should start a womans' ministry. Heaven knows we need it...anyways check it out, you won't be sorry!

My mom and porn

A while back, my husband mentioned to me that his dad had asked if he has any porn to lend him. I was sooo disgusted. How can a parent ask a child if they have porn? What's wrong with the man?

I was so blind to my own behaviour that I only just realised, that that's exactly what I have been doing with my mom. We have been swapping Mills and Boon and thick "romantic" books for years. I gave my grandmother over 400 books at the beginning of this year before my marriage fell apart. I didn't want her to get bored...

 In the most bluntest terms, I have been feeding my families lust. Now I used to argue that it wasn't about the sex, it was all about the love story, but that's a load of shit. It was all about the sex and even though I did sometimes feel a prick of embarrassment when I gave my mom some of my more x-rated stuff, it never lasted very long.What was wrong with me?

My mother taught me many things. She once told me, not to act "sexy" when taking public transport because you simply don't know what kind of men are out there. She taught me "never to throw pearls before swine" meaning, that you shouldn't share important personal things with just anybody. She has shown me, that if anybody messes with me - she will be the first in line to kick their asses...and she taught me that Mills and Boon books are acceptable by swopping them with me. A far cry from the woman who once threw away my books. What changed for her? Did time and being bored in her own marriage finally wear her down?

I don't blame my mom for the choices I have made. I am just saying that I wish things could have been different. I wish that she could have blazed a path for me, but she allowed unhealthy lust to seem okay. I wish that she could have told me, that reading these kinds of books would take my eyes off my husband and focus them instead on strange men. I wish she could have told me that my sex life would go down the toilet, because no human man can match the cocaine like high from reading porn and I would just be bringing trouble into my own marriage. If I had kept on this path, I am sure I would have cheated on my husband. In our most honest conversations we have both admitted to thinking about other people during sex - it was only a matter of time before it became a reality. 

I will ensure that my children learn from my mistakes. Maybe they won't listen to "crazy" mom, but the cost of this experience is so high that it would be foolish not to share it. 

I wish I could share this with my mom too, but she isn't ready for this level of honesty and introspection. Right now she seems happy to function in her dysfunction and until someone is ready to let that go, everything falls on deaf ears. I am sad that I have allowed lust to rob me of so much. I am sadder still that my mom has been tangled alongside me in this web of lust. My prayer is for her to see the light and for her marriage to be healed. I trust that God will use what has happened and will beam a light into the darkness.


And mom, I will be here whenever you're ready. I love you...

Dear asshole

There have been some terrible moments over the last couple of months,  that are so painful I can't even bear to say it out loud...

4.Listening to you, while you were having dream sex with someone else. 

3.Last valentines day, I had to work in a different city. I made such an     idiot out of myself dedicating songs to you over facebook, telling everyone who cared to listen how amazing you were. You called me, to say you loved me to. Realising now that when you put the phone down - you had online sex with someone else.

2.Finally embracing the fact that my husband will cheat, manipulate and lie with no remorse.

But you know what the worst was?

1.Lying alone in my hospital bed,tubes sticking of me- unable to move and softly weeping in the dark - wondering whether you were with your mistress. I had never felt so

ALONE 

and so  

 UNLOVED. 

I will never tell you this, because 

I have my pride.

The plastic surgery question

Am I pretty enough to keep my husband?

It stings a little (okay, a heck of a lot) that all the women he cheated on me with, was thinner and younger than me. I would say that they looked like me (body wise) when I first met my husband. Toned, athletic and body beautiful. Now 8 years and 1 child later, I am big. When I met hubby I weighed 65 kgs in 2004, but the time I got married 2008 I weighed 104. My heaviest was 117.5 kgs in 2009.

Oh, I would make weak attempts at exercising, depending on those around me - to motivate me. But when I reached nearly a 120kgs, I had enough. I know everyone says it, but I just didn't fully realise how big I was getting until I was HUGE. I then started exercising religiously. Nothing hectic, but I tried to walk at least 3 times a week and the weight started dropping off. I changed my eating habits and I saw even more of a difference. I was on my way! Feeling better about myself, then I had in ages - I thought surely my husband must be happier with me now (not that he ever said that I should lose weight). By the time I fell pregnant in October 2010, I was weighing 104kgs. I had so nearly touched my goal of weighing under 100kgs, that my more vainer moments contained resentment that I fell pregnant instead of reaching my goal. I started picking up weight in the pregnancy and every kg was a little death to me. How much bigger am I going to get? When I eventually gave birth to my son, I weighed in at 122kgs. Now 3 months after his birth, I have dropped back down to 106kgs.

I FEEL UGLY.

I resent my husband for not caring that I tried SO HARD to lose weight. I did it, so that he could be proud to be with me...to be aroused by me again. When I have my bad weight days (like today), I feel like going onto those websites where men are looking for bigger women. They find my shape beautiful - I don't need to feel like they have "settled" for me. They would love me. They would adore me.

Seriously... I am like a third of her size. I wonder if this guy is single now...

 My hubby and I have started a no secrets policy, so instead of letting this desire grow - I have confessed it to my husband. His always quick to say that the porn he watched also had big women in it. He doesn't get it...whats a fucking knife in the back was that the women he actually had physical contact with (not online or video) where all thinner than me. When he had the choice, he didn't go after a big girl...he didn't go after someone like me. And can I blame him? No. In my dreams, the guy was never pudgy. He was muscled and strong - why should his dream girl be any different? So no matter what he says, I don't believe he finds me attractive and now I am considering plastic surgery.

Yes, I want to be beautiful for him - but more importantly I am tired of settling for how I look. When I look in the mirror, I want to love what I see. I am tired of wearing control top panties with dresses. I don't want to wear t-shirts and tops that are long enough to reach mid thigh so that it can cover my hanging tummy. I want to feel irrestible and I think that getting a tummy tuck could speed along the process.

He gets all freaked out by it, any time I mention it. He thinks that I shouldn't mess with my body. But what the hell does he know. His not the one, who has met and seen the other women and have walked away feeling old, frumpy and discarded like yesterdays trash. He hasn't had to stand there and feel the burn of humiliation when its clear who the prettier girl is. I just want someone to love me...is that so hard?

Father forgive me, I have sinned...

Did I not see his addiction, because I was an addict too?

This is my confession....

When I was 11 years old, I found a Mills and Boon book in my grandmothers house. It was nothing as risque, as you get in todays books. Back  then the sighting of a heaving bosom was as scintillating as it got. I fell in love immediately. I read that book over and over again, until it literally fell apart.

The rush of feelings that swept my body felt incredible. By then I had noticed boys and I had, had a couple of crushes - but this "feeling" was on a whole new level. I was experiencing lust for the first time and it felt good. My mom caught me reading this book and threw the book away. I took it out of the trash, locked myself in the bathroom and read it again. I wish I could I tell you that this was the end, but it was just the beginning.

I started looking for more and when the local library ran out of books, I searched for bookshops that had the kind of books I was looking for. No longer was the sighting of a "globe" exciting, I needed more...a lot more. The more graphic the better. I was readying about 6 or 7 books a week. I was about 14/15 years old. I used my lunch and travel money to buy books. Choosing to walk home and go hungry, so I could get my fix. And when I didn't have money...I stole. I wanted the books...I NEEDED them. It felt great to "get away with it" and then I started stealing books, even though I had the money. The high from getting away with it and enjoying my treasure was so intoxicating. I did it as often as I could...but then my conscience would attack and I would stop stealing completely or I would buy some and take some, telling myself that I am repeat customer, so they are still making money...

Of course I masturbated, as the feelings coursing through my body was highly addictive and no man could match that feeling. So much so, that I wonder if I have forever reprogrammed by body, only to highly aroused by these books instead of with the man that I love. Today, I don't orgasm...ever. Sex is a great and wonderful experience, but its a different feeling to one I have when reading. My husband thinks I don't understand the feeling and compulsive needs around masturbation and watching porn, but I understand only to clearly. I have felt so disgusted with myself. The need to read and masturbate was compulsive...

It went on this way for years and then I stumbled across online sex. And WOW!! What a rush. Its incredible. I could write my own Mills and Boon scenes with a willing,anonymous partner. The dirtier, the better. By then I had met my husband and I loved him. I figured though, that since I am not actually doing anything physical, it wasn't being unfaithful. But then I started getting irritated with him, more than I should. I was beginning to lose that loving feeling. The more online sex I had, the less I "loved" my boyfriend. One day I sat at my desk ( I was having online sex at work, using work resources...oh man, just writing that made me so sad) and I realised, that I had to choose between my online lover and my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend...it took a while for my system to calm down, but after about two weeks I started feeling like my old self again.I remember that there were days when I felt weak and I would go these online websites and just kinda cruise around...I realised that if I didn't stop cold turkey I would just go back, so every day I committed to not going back to these sites. 

It was getting to scary. I chose to leave my job and work someplace else. A week before my final day, my boss called me into the office and asked me if I let other people use my computer. My sixth sense told me to lie and I said yes, all the time. And then he said, "oh because we got a report that someone is accessing porn from your computer" - I of course acted appropriately disgusted...I remember feeling relieved and grateful that I was leaving this job in a couple of days...I never made that mistake again at the workplace, but seriously what the hell was wrong with me...

I continued reading as much Mills and Boon and other hardcore material I could get my hands on. I flirted with friends - I always thought, that it was no big deal, but given the right kind of environment what would have I done? I had a close call one day, when this guy which invited me to his place. I was tempted for like a second and then I thought to myself WTF and stopped it right there. Its only beens Gods grace, that unlike my husband I haven't actually gone out and made a play for some guy.

When my boyfriend proposed, we moved in together. Our sex life dewindled. He was watching tons of porn and would prefer to touch himself and I was reading Mills and Boon books and thick 'romantic" novels. I put down our lack of sex to just being a phase in the relationship at the time. I never saw the danger surrounding us.

That year my husband started picking up girls on trains and I had a weird expierience. One day, hubby gets up and goes to work. I remember lying in bed and it felt as if someone was straightening out and parting my legs. In half a daze, I thought I was sleeping - but I remember distinctly feeling "awake" but unable to move. I remember feeling like I was about to sex, but noone was there. The feeling called to me and tempted me to just relax and enjoy it. But my sixth sense kicked in and I realised, that something weird was happening and I started to struggle against the feeling and get out of bed. It was so hard! I got so scared. The more I struggled, the more it felt like something was working its way up my body. I started to pray and "it" released me. I stumbled out of bed, shaken and relieved - and yet I perversely missed that sexual feeling. During my darker periods of despair, when I wonder if my husband is telling the truth regarding whether his porn addiction. I remember this thing that happened and I remind myself that  clearly we have issues with lust and I do believe that what I was expieriencing was demonic. Lust pervaded our home and was pulling us further into the darkness and we never saw it coming...

For a while I didn't read Mills and Boons books, but inevitably I started a short while later. Intimacy was nowhere to be found in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once every couple of weeks. We loved each other, but we were not IN love. This is how we carried on for years. Then one day I found out I was pregnant and I asked God, to help us be the best parents we could be for our son. Soon after I discovered my husband having an affair and everything unravelled.

My husband made life altering decisions in the face of his porn addiction, I chose to stand with him. As a family we do not watch nor read porn. We are careful about the kinds of movies we see.We do not masturbate. We have chosen to only share sexual contact with each other and our sex life has never been better.

Some days its hard for me. The impulse to masturbate is strong, but I have taught myself to focus on something else. And when this doesn't work, I simply have to fight through the feeling. Lately I have had "flashbacks" of my favourite Mills and Boon scenes. It just pops up in my mind at unexpected times. I haven't read a book in months...7 months to be exact. As soon as it pops up, I start thinking of something else. But that feeling to enjoy it...noone will know, is so tantalising. 

And this is how I realised that my husband does not stand alone in the porn addict stakes. Yes, I didn't go as far as he did, but I have dishonoured him and God nonetheless.

So as a family, with God firmly leading us forth. We are forging a new path, for a better healthier kind of life. I have realised, that without God my family and I will fall apart. I am sorry, that wondered away from Him so far, but today right here, right now I confess with heart that I have sinned and I am so sorry.

God has heard my cry and He has saved me....

Love is a four letter word

He lies...

I desperately want to believe him, but how can I - when I know he lies. He has looked me straight in the eyes and lied. He has kissed me and lied. Held me and lied. He...lies.

I always thought I was the creative one in the family, but man I don't hold a candle to him. His dedication to the role of faithful husband and loyal lover was outstanding...I never would have guessed he was anything other but that. And why should I have? I believed the lie.

I miss my friend...

Othello and me...

Everytime I think I am doing better - my heart falters and I despair of where I have found myself.

My husband recently did a very good thing. He tracked down the chick he cheated on me with after we got married (the first one) and told her off in no uncertain terms. Now, I totally believe that what happended was completely his fault. He could have said "no", but he didn't...as a matter fact he wanted to screw this chick, but she turned him down. You would think that because "it" didn't happen, it would hurt less - but it still does. Anyways, so he tracks her down and craps on her from a dizzy height. He told her, he was disgusted with them both, that they were both pathetic- he did it in front of me and I felt..vindicated. I was happy, elated and felt like I got the last laugh. It felt good...

So tell me, why do I feel so sad today? Maybe its because, I should never have had to hear my husband tell another woman how he regrets playing tonsil hockey. My mind wonders through everything he has done, and I bite my tongue lest I ask him useless questions, because infidelity is infidelity no matter how many times he did it, who he did it with and where. His unfaithful heart has cast me in the role of Othello and jealousy,hurt and paranoi has set fire to my dreams. I am convinced, he hasn't told me everything - but what is the point of asking, as surely it would be just more of the same. Whats one or two more women to the many he has betrayed me with...

O thou weed,

Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweet

That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne’er been born.

                                                                                                                 Othello. ACT IV Scene 2.