The ministers daughter

My earliest memories are of the church. Nights and mornings - week days and weekends - our life was the church. My grandparents were ministers and we are a ministering family. Often my grandmother would talk about how her father would walk the streets with an accordian calling people to church on a Sunday morning. We are church folk...its in our blood.

And just as we are of the church - we are also broken. I wish that someone had told me thats its possible to be both, instead of feeling like a failure when my brokeness and my faith conflicted with one another. This weekend was a reminder of our families brokeness and our anointedness...

I watched as my mom took to the stage. My mom - who in her old age has grown bitter about the harsh hand life has dealt her...my mom the flirt and rage-o-holic...she stood and opended her mouth and I felt Gods presence in my heart.  She sang and sang and my spirit stilled within me and I was blessed.

There are many who are capable, but there are very few who are called to minister. My mother is one of the called. I sat there and I was reminded that God does not call on us because of who we are...He calls on us, despite of who we are. Broken and imperfect, in Him we are made vessels and testiment to His grace and mercy.

I listened as the ocherstra and choir swelled up in chorus behind her and I thought, how is it that God picked such a woman to bless thousands of people? They don't know her like I know her. They don't know how we suffered at her hand and her sharp tongue when we grew up. They have no idea of the fear her impatience inspired...oh, but now when she sings, its connects you to something other than yourself. How is it that God chose her to bring forth his message to millions? Maybe it was because of her brokeness and her own sexual and physical abuse that has paved the way for her to truly reflect the human heart. We feel ugly and unworthy, but like David a man who fell time and time again - we still can rise up and sing and dance to glory of God...our worship and praise sincere and honest because we have been in the valley of death and have been lost in the darkness - we truly understand the misery of pain and therefore we now understand His comfort and love.

God sees us for more than our mistakes and the terrible things that have been done to us and what we have done to each other. In us He sees His image and we are made perfect by His blood.

It is comforting to know God loves me enough for the both us and even when my brokeness gets in the way, His faith in me never wanes.

I am reminded that its okay to be broken...its only in Christ that I am made whole. My past does not define me - it's part of my testimony. I don't know why certain things have happended in my life - but its okay, because God will always be with me.

Either shit or get off the pot...

Forever burned in my memory, is the morning before the beginning of the end. It was cold and rainy outside, my husband and I cuddled under warm blankets. I remember how his arm rested across my pregnant belly...how he kissed me softly. I remember feeling content and that if I could just stay this way forever, I would be happy. It was a moment of pure crystalised happiness - 24 hours later he would call my cellphone and I would dismiss him, because I was to busy to talk to him, 25 hours later he would befriend a work colleague on facebook and a week later, I would be crying and he would be begging to stay - 2 months later he would be living with his dad...a year later, my son is in my arms, my husband is back in our bed and I am forever changed.

This weekend almost felt like it used to be. Rainy and miserable outside, we cuddled under blankets -  with our 9 month old son in between. My husband kissed me softly over our sons head and I thought about the stranger who came on to me, the women my husband betrayed me with...I thought about the man my husband used be and wondered if he could be that man again.

For the last year, I have qualified every and any statement about our future with "if we don't get divorced". Unwilling to committ to anything,beyond the next second or minute. I refused to committ to a future and more recently started using "divorce" as a blackmail weapon. If I was feeling particularly hurt or angry, I would bring up an amazing idea of what our future could hold i.e. more children or travel- I would lay it before him, painting a glorious picture of what our future could be like and then I would slide in the throw comment - "if we don't get divorced, that is"... I silently derived satisfaction from the swift look of sadness in his eyes. I would know that I really hit the mark, when he started cleaning the house (my husband has been trying to prove his worth, by doing everything in our home).

Bitter and mad at my husband, I stood in the pew of our church and tried to connect. There a particular sentence in one of the hymns that caught my eye - "He forgave, so that we can forgive"... I had thought I had forgiven, but had I really, when my jibes came out of a place of revenge instead of authentic sadness and anger? I felt convicted that I have deliberately stoked the flame of his shame for my own enjoyment. There is so much that I should be ashamed of and God has forgiven me - there is much that I wish I could take back, but I can't and in God I have found peace. Who am I, not to withold forgiveness? God has been so good to me...

All at once, I felt sooo tired. Tired of being hurt and tired of hurting. I have held onto my unforgiveness and used it as a shield to protect my broken heart...and to wound his. Standing there, I just knew that it was time...time to either committ or leave. Within my heart I knew what my choice was.

Certainty that accompanied my doubts about him, now accompanied the realisation that I would stay. Yes, I allowed him back home - but I had never allowed him back in my heart. So, I will stay and stop using him as a whipping post for my grief, because I enjoy watching him squirm. I will stop emotionally bullying him and instead I would try to be less defensive and less vicious. I will start calling him "love" again and perhaps I would permit myself to run my fingers through his hair, every now and then.

I told him, that instead of being a step away from getting divorced - we are now perhaps two or three steps away. He looked relieved... We have teetered on the brink for so long, that even having our feet planted on solid ground no matter how close to the edge is a big deal.

So heres' to trying again...

"The glory of this latter house shall be greater than of the former, saith the LORD of hosts: and in this place will I give peace."

Haggai 2 vs9

Monkey see, Monkey do

My grandfather is a philandering jerk. A minister, who loved women. Throughout my grandmothers life, she watched as they came and went and even brought up a child from one of his affairs. Oh, how her heart must have broke. My father vividly remembers listening to my grandfather plead for forgiveness, only to cheat again.

She was an uneducated woman, who came to the city after living on a farm in her childhood. She met my grandfather and was swept away. She bore him 6 children and raised 1, as if it was her own. She was my dads entire world. She may have been uneducated in academic circles, but she was wise. She was a housewife all her years, with doing some house cleaning every now and then. I wonder what she would say to me now.What would she do, if she knew what I am going through. I grew up constantly thinking that I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. I never wanted to turn out to be like my ma - sad and tired. I would be different...

But here I am at my own crossroads and while I feel the tug to leave (okay violent shove) - I don't want to make the decision out of fear. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I out earn my husband and I do not depend on him for a damn dime. I would be fine...but what about my child?

The other day, my father finally told his dad, what he thought of him. My grandfather now in his 70's doesn't understand why none of his children visit him. My dad explained to him, that he is bearing the fruits of his behaviour. This is the consequences of his actions. His own children didn't want to be around him. I was sad for my granddad. Now alone, paying for his mistakes because at the time - he lived for the moment, with no thought as to what it would mean for his future. He didn't know that children will watch you and learn about life from you. It made me think about my son...

His 5 months old now and I love him more than anything in this entire world. I want whats best for him and I do believe that the best involves him being brought up in a home with his own mommy and daddy. He doesn't deserve a broken family. He should know what its like to see healthy relationships played out. I look at my husband and the fact that he comes from a broken family. I see the links between him seeing his dad with his mistress, finding his dad porn collection and medicating himself with masturbation and pornography since the age of 11. He has never had the opportunity to see what a committed relationship looks like. I don't want that for my son. My husband learnt his behaviour from his dad - monkey see, monkey do apparently. But its time for a change in their generational line. I found this image and it really just captures my attitude - let no evil pass through your eyes, do not listen to the voice calling you to stray, guard your tongue and do not let your hormones and lusty appetites govern you...it will only lead to heartbreak.

I want to make my choices from a place of strength, not fear. I want to reach for the best future for my son - the question is, does the best future include living with his biological dad? Would be without his dad, have the same impact? I heard somewhere that only 23%  of todays kids in my city is brought up in a home where they still have both their parents.I want my son to be part of the 23%...but what at what cost?

What I know for sure, is that this crap will not be passed down to my son. I will not be treated like my grandmother was...this is a game changing generation - we refuse to take what is being handed to us. Father God please help to see what my next move is...

Starting weight:110.6kgs
Current weight: 108.4kgs
Lost:2.2 kgs

arrivederci, goodbye and go well....

Its a new year!!

I can't say goodbye to 2011 fast enough. Its a fabulous feeling to say this happened last year.What a year... the greatest pain and the greatest joy all rolled into one. I often wonder why things happened the way it did. Holding my son in my arms, I now know why. It would have taken the greatest amount of love to counter the greatest amount of hurt. If my son wasn't there, I doubt I would still be married today.

The Christmas season was wonderful and tiring. I looked at my husband and wondered why couldn't he have just kept his d*ck to himself. Christmas day, looking at youngsters running around catching up to no good, the older generation sitting back, talking about how things used to be...watching the the adults laugh together - I wondered why I...we...weren't enough for him. I don't think he even knows the answer...

And now I don't know whether we will survive this year - but what I do know is that God has been good to me! I will not be entrapped in this bondage again. I see my life for what it is and not the masquerade my husband put on for me.

Every day I am rediscovering who I am in this relationship. I read this post on the the betrayed wives club site and its added such value already to how I am going about my life. It said, let go of the things you used to do. All it does it remind you of how things used to be pre discovery and it shows in stark relief what now exists. That's happened to me. The pain and the bitterness is enough swallow me whole. So its time for a change. I am starting with my wedding anniversary.

Hubby and I started dating on the 31st December 2002. We got married on the 1st March 2008. As new year approached this year, I realised that I don't see any reason to celebrate our marriage as I could barely stand the thought of celebrating our relationship. So I told him that our wedding anniversary is off the table. He was concerned, but I don't care. As a matter fact, I am really beginning to like the idea of going away by myself around March, just to take stock of my life.

I am tempted to cut out Valentines Day too, as last year (yeah, that felt good to say) I was sending him public messages of love while he was most likely having online sex with someone else...talking about that. I don't know why, but I keep thinking that he had someone in our house. I was away on business. I came back and the house was spotless and I mean SPOTLESS. When I walked through the door, he hugged me, took my luggage and firmly placed in the middle of our bed...I had been away for two weeks. When I went in for a snuggle, he wasn't interested. I don't know whether to let it go or not. If anything, I have realised, that my gut is generally on point and that the most simple explanation is probably the right one. But what's the point of bringing it up? He has done the worst...perhaps more often than he has let on. But when I took him back, I took him knowing this to probably be true...I guess its just hard to let go.

But here is to the new year. New possibilities and opportunities, new life and new relationship. Thank you God for bringing me through 2011. Help me to rely on you in 2012.  Restore me and my marriage in line with Your will. Nothing is impossible for my God...

The other man...

Every now and then, I find myself wondering into dangerous territory. You see, I have started noticing this other guy...

I found myself  looking (okay staring) at him and wondering how different my life would have been if I had married him instead. We're so alike, we have so much in common and his pretty good looking to boot. In a different world, I can really see myself having relationship with this guy and I imagine it would have been wonderful. I feel so guilty about how I am feeling. I know that in life, we will all meet people that could have been our spouses - but I wish I could just turn it off for a little bit. I feel like its messing with my intent to be as objective as possible, when it comes to waiting to see where my marriage will go. When I think of him and new possibilities, I am filled with...longing for something less complicated that what I have now. I want something trauma free, where I can just be myself again. A new man presents that opportunity. I bet he wouldn't expose me to STD's...he wouldn't give himself away to as many women as possible, while I wait for him at home. I bet I could trust him...

So now I am playing cat and mouse with myself. When I catch myself thinking of him, I deliberately change my track of thought. This morning, I thought that maybe if I journal about it, it would make it easier. I don't want to think about other men and yet its soooo hard when I consider what my life would be like without my traitorous husband by my side. I just want to start over. I want to divorce and see what happens. Would we still want to be with each other? Would my then ex-husband return to form and having tons of sex with numerous women? And if what if he did? Surely, it would be good, because whatever we do when we're apart would be testimony to whats really in our hearts. If we got divorced, I wouldn't be going around offering myself to strange men. I want to know who he would be, without the constraints of marriage - because thats my husband in his true form and I need to know who that man is...

I know they say the reason why the grass is greener on the other side, is because there is more shit - but seriously, the other side of fence is looking pretty good to me. It couldn't possibly be any worse than the crap I am wading in now. Maybe, just maybe, the grass is looking greener on the side, because IT IS GREENER.

To make matters, I am starting to have flashbacks of my favourite "scenes" from M&B books. Its my sex showreel of hot and heavy stuff. I try to change track when it comes up, but its getting harder and harder. Last night was a little tough. I allowed it float in my conscience to long and then I struggled to get rid of it. It called to me to relax, close my eyes and get swept away. My husband and I haven't had sex in maybe a week - maybe thats the problem. I have found that when my hubby and I don't regularly have sex, the temptation gets a lot stronger.

Lord, protect my eyes and thoughts. The temptation is strong and I don't know what to do...

Demons and Divorce

I am a terrible Christian. My basic tendency is toward a tangible and scientific approach to life. Like many Christians out there, I have merged what  I have deemed common sense and my faith. For example, I believe in evolution - I also believe that God designed us and the world that way...but every now and then a little voice in my head whispers in my ear "Are you sure, God is real" - "What if Jesus wasn't the son of God, instead just a kid that had to be explained away by an unmarried woman". I feel intense guilt and resolve not to waver in my faith again...but it still happens every now and then. When I can't chase away these thoughts, I become my own witness. I testify to myself about Gods mercy and what He has done for me and believe me, He has done plenty. How can I question, when I have experienced his presence, seen Him move mountains on my behalf and literally have seen Him carry me through the valley death... and its happening again. Lately I haven't been praying as much as I should and in the oddest moments the voice calls to me..."Are you sure...?"


Well yes
                                                                          I AM SURE


let me tell you about what God has done for my marriage. He has led me every step of the way. Its because of Him that I have discovered what my husband is and in turn myself. I can't begin to tell you the divine intervention that took place. God planted questions and "feelings" that I went with, that I didn't understand - but once I obeyed them, my once "private" husband opened up like you wouldn't believe.  After the God inspired "lie detector" test idea, my husband told me things he never would have said - the result of which was me chucking my husband out of the house. At that moment, if someone had put divorce papers in front of me, I would have signed them.


Anyways, so after he left and I had time to think, I called a meeting to see what he wanted to do with our marriage. It was a heavy conversation spiritually. God opened up my eyes and I saw...things. My husbands countenance had changed...his eyes were shifty and he couldn't look me in the eyes. I am not talking nervousness, this was darker. At first I didn't recognise it for what it was, but slowly as our argument got heated it showed its face more and more. It was this spiritual awareness, that kept me from telling  him go to hell, I want  a divorce. My husband refused to fight for our marriage beyond the token protest in the beginning. His lack of passion to save us, didn't ring true for some reason ( I know its crazy, since his been cheating on me, but something was "off".) The conversation circled a couple of times, until we came to an impasse. He wasn't making enough of an effort to fight for me and then out of nowhere I asked him, "What do you want to do, once we get divorced?" And then he spoke to me about how he was "curious" about other women. I asked him whether this was porn curiosity or you want to be in another relationship curiosity. He looked at me in surprise and said, its a porn curiosity. He didn't realise it before...but its just about sex,not about us. And that moment was the birth of us trying again. I recognised that my husband had no idea what was going on his own heart and mind.  Porn had him wrapped up so tight, he couldn't see beyond the nudy pictures. I remember the moment I shifted to warrior mode instead of hurt wife. Its happened a couple of times over the last couple of months. Its like the pain shuts off and suddenly I am operating on a strength and clarity for greater than my own. Once he told me that his curiosity was porn related, I shape shifted. I was going to fight my husband for my husband.


The shifty eyed bastard was more prominent now, as the truth was slowly emerging. My husband began to sway ever so slightly and began looking like a trapped animal. I tapped into what God has always told me -"I will be with you always"  I refused to be intimidated and I went for the kill.  I looked my husband and knew, that he would need to come and get me. To active "show me" his choice. God had brought us to this place, where his confusion was laid bare and insight was brought to the table. We had gone as far as we could, now it was my husbands turn. I sat in silence and waited...he looked me and said. "Its not from God is it? This curiosity..." I said "No" and waited some more. I watched as my husband waged an internal battle and started to cry. My heart went out to him, but I sat glued to my seat. The devil was playing games, trying out different approaches to get a reaction out of me. He has tried the nonchalance passive approach, designed to hurt me and anger me into a divorce, he tried the insincere crying apology to stop any more questions because I would feel so sorry for him. He tried out irritation, to make me impatient - but God kept me stable and I saw through it all. It was like all these arrows were continually being fired at my heart, but Gods armour kept me so safe, I didn't feel a thing. After about 2.5 hours - I watched as I saw the first sincere tear roll from his eyes. In the silence my husband has fought his demon and reached for me and ultimately God. He pleaded with me to stay, he said he would become the man the I needed him to be...and I believed him for the first time, since our meeting began. After he did that, his countenance changed again. Eyes red with crying, he no longer looked shifty...he was calm and I felt he was spiritually present with me.


This conversation, more than any other shifted the direction of our marriage. I literally saw his demons weigh on him and I watched him fight it. If he had been a coward or loved me less, I would be divorced today. Instead, God put a fire in my belly and I fought hard. God took him by the hand, and showed him what was truly going on in his heart. We met each other at the half way line. I take no responsibility for this intervention. I was simply a conduit for His word.


I know God was there, I felt Him and saw His wisdom in every action.  Praise be to God for all He has done.

Sex after infidelity

Sex after infidelity...this must be the most confusing thing after discovering your partner is a unfaithful shmuck.


I have done so many searches on "when to have sex, after you find out your partner is a porn addict" or "when do you know the time is right to have sex after discovering an affair?' and there are no answers. But what I do know, is that sex after discovering infidelity is an insane roller-coaster ride.


There seems to be a couple of phases involved.
                                        

PHASE ONE: DON'T TOUCH ME!!

After finding out that his arms had been around someone else. That his lips has touched another, it was excruciating to have him even hold my hand. When he tried to kiss me, all I could think of was whether he had kissed her like this. If he had held her tightly...if he looked into her eyes as he caressed her face. I couldn't bear it. It all felt...wrong. I cringed at his touch - all it did was remind me of what he did with other women. It broke me, to know he had shared something so special to me - with any woman who he could get into bed with. His touches, his smile and kisses were no longer mine. Instead they belonged to the world...to strangers that he didn't even love.

PHASE TWO: HYSTERICAL BONDING

Hands down the best sex we have had in a looong time. I don't why my feelings shifted, but suddenly I was up for anything and everything. It was intense. The kind of sex you see in movies and wish  you that your husband was that connected with you. During this period we had more sex, than we had in the last couple of months combined. Twice a day is a mile away from once every month or so. And it was always face to face. Somehow, any other position just seemed to disconnect us. Apparently dysfunctional sex=hot sex. Afterwards I always felt as if I let myself down. How could I do this with a man, who a couple of days before was trying to get into someone else's pants. Did I have no self respect? After the adrenaline faded, this turned into....

PHASE THREE: CRYING SEX

You know you are messed up when you cry during sex. And not a "this is wonderful and I am so happy cry" - I am talking about tears rolling down your cheeks as your throat closes with heartbreak kind of cry. The kind of cry, when pain seems to vibrate through your entire being and no words could possibly express how you feel. Questions and wondering whether he tried this position with her - was she better then me? Did he learn how to move that way with her? How could he have shared this with someone else? Wasn't I good enough? Does he compare her to me? I once asked him, if he prefers doing it from the back, because then he didn't have to see my face and could imagine someone else. He said no...but I didn't believe him. 

The other day I cried again. I wasn't expecting it. I suddenly felt warmth creep out of the corners of my eyes and splash on my ears. He stopped and asked if I was okay. I answered him with a kiss, trying to convey that I love him, but I am sad. That its okay...it will be okay. I kissed him with all the passion I had, but in all honesty there were moments when it almost felt like I was saying goodbye. I don't know where it came from - maybe its because I am tired of being tired of the all that has happened. Maybe my unconscious self knows something I am yet to discover in my awake state. He hasn't tried again since then, and I don't blame him. Who wants to have sex with someone who might cry half way through it? 

PHASE FOUR: LETS TRY AGAIN

When I am not crying or fuelled with an serious urge to copulate, it feels like we're committing to each other all over again. We have promised that we will only share sexual activities with each other, as we both suffer from porn addiction. So no self-gratification, no looking at sexual material or fantasising unless its about your partner. This has dramatically improved our love life. Because there is no other outlet, we turn to  each other and it has helped to bond us emotionally and physically all over again. 

These phases don't seem to be static. I go back and forth between them and right now I feel like I am back to crying again. With the possibility of divorce seriously weighing on my mind, it tinges everything with bitter sweetness. His trying so hard, but it may not be enough...in the meantime I have given myself permission to feel the way I do. Sometimes I feel bad, because one day I am totally up for it and the next week I am hesitant to even kiss him. I don't mean to send conflicting messages, this is just how I feel and I am trying to be okay with that. This is just part of the price that we have to pay I guess...

She said no, but she meant yes...

"In South Africa, a woman has a greater chance of being raped 

than learning how to read..."

One in three of the 4,000 women questioned by the Community of Information, Empowerment and Transparency said they had been raped in the past year. A survey conducted among 1,500 schoolchildren in the Soweto township, a quarter of all the boys interviewed said that 'jackrolling', a term for gang rape, was fun. More than 25% of South African men questioned in a survey admitted to raping someone; of those, nearly half said they had raped more than one person, according to a new study conducted by the Medical Research Council (MRC). It is estimated that 500,000 rapes are committed annually in South Africa. A 2010 study led by the government-funded Medical Research Foundation says that in Gauteng province, home to South Africa's most populous city of Johannesburg, more than 37 percent of men said they had raped a woman. Nearly 7 percent of the 487 men surveyed said they had participated in a gang rape. South Africa has some of the highest incidences of child and baby rape in the world with more than 67,000 cases of rape and sexual assaults against children reported in 2000.(http://www.rape.co.za/)

                                                 "She said no, but she meant yes..."

A story caught my eye the other day. It was about the man they now call the "Facebook rapist".  He had done some despicable things including rape and when they asked why he had done it - he said it was the spirit of lust. Some scoffed, but I immediately knew what he meant. The kind of lust he was talking about, isn't the kind of butterflies in your tummy feeling when you see someone attractive. This is the ugly, compulsive need to treat someone else like trash in the most worst possible way. Its that feeling that doesn't recognise the other person as a human being - instead they are just objects to be used and abused. 

                            " In most cases of rape, the rapist had been watching porn"

Objectification is a massive part of porn addiction. The inability to actually see the other person.  Porn glorifies the man who can subdue the "unwilling" woman. It glamorises men forcing themselves onto women, because ALL women like to be treated roughly. It teaches us, that deep down, all women are whores and are up for it, anytime.

In a poverty ridden country, we do what we can to entertain ourselves. We look for cheap and easy access activities. Sex and porn has become an easy solution for boredom...and look what its done to my country. We have the highest rate of rape and HIV/AIDS in the world. Nobody can tell me, that porn plays no part in this.

Porn destroys more than just relationships. It destroys cities...countries. It infiltrates the very fabric of who we are and it turns us into predators. Porn turns loved ones to victims and blinds the heart of the perpetrator, until they lose sight of who they really are...

                                     We hide from God, ashamed of what we have become....

                                        Father please forgive us...what have we done?

I'm a dirty girl

To whom it may concern: I am dirty, dirty girl...
I have found this phenomenal site called "Dirty Girl Ministries" https://dgm.onthecity.org/home

Oh my...

I have been feeling so alone. As a Christian in South Africa, we tend to be a very conservative bunch. Nobody wants to know about porn addiction in the congregation. We can barely talk about how to treat your wife and husband with respect in case we offend some custom or tradition. I have been searching for something to help women, but according to my search for support- apparently in SA only men suffer from porn addiction :-(


Maybe I should start a womans' ministry. Heaven knows we need it...anyways check it out, you won't be sorry!

Fear infested waters

Tomorrow I go back to work after 3 months of maternity leave and all I can say is "THANK YOU GOD", for bringing me through.

My husbands' infidelities came to light when I was 7 months pregnant. The pain and misery would have killed me, but somehow God held me in the palm of His hand and protected me and my unborn son. I was so worried, that the stress would somehow mess up his development - but his a perfect beautiful baby boy. Thank you Jesus.

There were days, when for fleeting moments when I thought it would be easier just to end my life. These thoughts were just as quickly dismissed as I knew my self worth and the worth of my son was far greater than my circumstances. Thank you God.

Moments turned into hours of bitterly crying. I cried and cried until my nose was numb from wiping and my eyes were rung dry. Feeling alone,rejected and unloved, I remembered that He said he would never leave me, nor forsake me - oh how I am so undeserving  Your mercy and grace. I had left to worship at his alter, when I promised You my heart. How great is Thy faithfulness...

I was drowning in fear infested waters and you said, if I trust You...if only I believe - You will bring me through. Fear held me by the ankles and pulled and tugged me under. It nipped at my heels and grazed my belly. Drowning, falling, fading into darkness- you pulled me out - Thank you God.

In the cold depths of my despair, Your Spirit comforted me. Held me close, stroked my hair, said it will be okay,to trust in the plans You have for me. Blinded by my tears, I closed my eyes and listened to Your voice. Oh how sweet the sound....Your Holy Spirit has walked with me and comforted me, reminding me of who I am.  

I am the daughter of the great I AM. 

Sorry Daddy, for neglecting our relationship - Thank for loving me through it all. You heard my prayer and answered my call - without you I am nothing. I was lost and drowning in the inky blackness of the night - You grabbed me around the waist, lifted me up towards the horizon and showed me the coming light. 

Thank God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for all You have done.

Amen.