I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt

Sometimes, I think my family thinks me weak for staying. I am often told, I don't know how you do it...every now and then I hear that so and so said, that I should leave, that I should just move on. I don't know how to tell them that although its hard at the best of times, I don't stay because I am weak...I stay because I am strong. I stay because the most obvious choice is not always the right one...I stay because I choose to and not because I would feel lost without him. My staying is a choice...and its a choice I make every day and perhaps one day that decision will be different...

I have never been able to explain that adequately though, until I saw this qoute from community:

 "The meaning of self-esteem

Abed: Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal. (Season 1, Episode 17, "Physical Education")"

I have never watched the show - but it inspired me. I am strong enough to see this thing through to the end...I am not to weak to leave. I am not a walk over...I am steady in the storm, holding out for the long term reward instead of jumping ship for short term relief...I am not stupid nor naive...I am smart and a visionary, understanding that somethings require sacrifice at  great personal cost - so that in the fullness of time, my family and I will be blessed.  I don't stay for him...I stay for me.

For those of us, who choose to stay and do battle - I salute you for your courage even when the world doesn't always understand why...

#12 Things I can't say out loud

Don't you hate it, when you wipe your ass and your finger goes through the loo paper...and then to make it worse crap finds itself in the little bit where the fingernail meets skin.

I spend the next 10 minutes scrabbing my finger nail, so that my hand does not smell like crap...I sniff it compusively for the following 5 minutes to make sure that it doesn't...

And thats what his infidelity sometimes feels like to me...a shitty hand, that even scrubbed.. is suspiciously looked at...just in case.

My marriage rocks... NOT

So we started a marriage course last night called My Marriage Rocks. It was really uncomfortable for me, even though I have been the one pushing for us to attend some sort of seminar. Last night the discussion was around myths and marriage - the guy had some interesting stuff to say. He spoke about how we shouldn't encourage the culture of "falling in love" because if you can fall in love, you can fall out of love. Instead he advocated that people, should grow in love together. Slowly and overtime, so that by the time you have been together for 20 yrs - you should love your partner more, than when we first started going out. He spoke about how we compartmentalise our partners into roles i.e. wife, housekeeper, sexual partner, friend etc and over time, we only start relating to our partner on one level -either as just the wife or husband. All other roles are given for other people to fill. So someone else becomes the sexual partner, someone else becomes the best friend. I was honest enough in my own self reflection to acknowledge, that my husband wasn't the only one who did this in our marriage. I did it to- to a lesser degree. We were bored...

He spoke about how what we see growing up, influences how we believe marriage should be. Well my husband had a womanising father and was emotionally unavailable to his mom, and true as bob, my husband is the same. Same could be said for me...my father stayed with my mom even though she has become severly obese, to the extent that she can't walk properly anymore- he stayed. Maybe I thought my husband would be the same...that it wouldn't matter how weight I gained, that he would be faithful and love me. Of course, he denies my weight has anything to do with it- but I was literally double the girl he met. I jiggle in all the wrong places and my double chin is unfortunate to say the least. He tried again last night to tell me that looks don't count - but thats what people say to ugly people. I know looks count and more so to men because they are visual creatures.

And then he gave us an assignment - women need to create a poster for their husbands and say something nice on it and men have to find a rock and write something on it for their wives. I was uncomfortable to say the least. We have didn't celebrate our wedding anniversary, we don't say I love you anymore and now we need to do something good to each other. I was tempted to tell my husband that I am not going back, that I am not ready for this - but I honestly don't know if I will ever be ready. So I will trust the process and see what happens, as awkward as it feels.

After the class, we went for coffee and spoke for a little bit about stuff, we haven't spoken about in a while. We spoke about his addiction and how his recovery is going. We spoke about his feelings around me asking for another lie detector test. It was the first time we had connected in a while and it felt...ok.

I don't know what I am going to put on my poster :-( Putting yourself out there is hard...we'll see what happens.

Start weight: 110.6
Current weight 103
Lost: 7.6 kgs

One in a million

Apprehensive at the thought about our first post discovery valentines day, I caught myself thinking about our very first valentines day.

His family had gone out of the city to visit family and he told me that wouldn't be here, but he loved me. I was little sad, but looking forward to the phonecall...those phonecalls was the axis that my world turned around...anyways, he calls and tells me that he loves and suddenly the door bell rang and there he was - a shoprite teddy bear, fake rose and mug in hand. One those cheap gift sets that sold for more than it was worth and I loved it. There was no valentines day in the recent years - I remember the last one, when I scattered little heart notes all around the flat, each with a reason on why I loved him. He barely looked at them. And then we just didn't celebrate it anymore.

He swore he loved me...cried heartbreakingly when I asked him to leave. Where was this love, when he kissed another woman...when he carressed someone else. I asked him never to tell me that he loved me again - will he try on valentines day? I will try not to think about the fact that last year valentines day, he spent the day on dating websites while I planted all over facebook that I loved him. I will try not to remember how hard it was for him to plan something for me, when he barely spared a thought at putting in leave to be his girlfriend...I will try to remember the time he sang a "One in a Million" for me...how we sat outside fancy restaurants eating schwarma on a bench, because neither of knew what that booking was important back then. We didn't care though, because we were just excited to be next to each. I will try to remember, the first time he told me loved me and the softness in eyes when he said it. I will try....

Monkey see, Monkey do

My grandfather is a philandering jerk. A minister, who loved women. Throughout my grandmothers life, she watched as they came and went and even brought up a child from one of his affairs. Oh, how her heart must have broke. My father vividly remembers listening to my grandfather plead for forgiveness, only to cheat again.

She was an uneducated woman, who came to the city after living on a farm in her childhood. She met my grandfather and was swept away. She bore him 6 children and raised 1, as if it was her own. She was my dads entire world. She may have been uneducated in academic circles, but she was wise. She was a housewife all her years, with doing some house cleaning every now and then. I wonder what she would say to me now.What would she do, if she knew what I am going through. I grew up constantly thinking that I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. I never wanted to turn out to be like my ma - sad and tired. I would be different...

But here I am at my own crossroads and while I feel the tug to leave (okay violent shove) - I don't want to make the decision out of fear. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I out earn my husband and I do not depend on him for a damn dime. I would be fine...but what about my child?

The other day, my father finally told his dad, what he thought of him. My grandfather now in his 70's doesn't understand why none of his children visit him. My dad explained to him, that he is bearing the fruits of his behaviour. This is the consequences of his actions. His own children didn't want to be around him. I was sad for my granddad. Now alone, paying for his mistakes because at the time - he lived for the moment, with no thought as to what it would mean for his future. He didn't know that children will watch you and learn about life from you. It made me think about my son...

His 5 months old now and I love him more than anything in this entire world. I want whats best for him and I do believe that the best involves him being brought up in a home with his own mommy and daddy. He doesn't deserve a broken family. He should know what its like to see healthy relationships played out. I look at my husband and the fact that he comes from a broken family. I see the links between him seeing his dad with his mistress, finding his dad porn collection and medicating himself with masturbation and pornography since the age of 11. He has never had the opportunity to see what a committed relationship looks like. I don't want that for my son. My husband learnt his behaviour from his dad - monkey see, monkey do apparently. But its time for a change in their generational line. I found this image and it really just captures my attitude - let no evil pass through your eyes, do not listen to the voice calling you to stray, guard your tongue and do not let your hormones and lusty appetites govern you...it will only lead to heartbreak.

I want to make my choices from a place of strength, not fear. I want to reach for the best future for my son - the question is, does the best future include living with his biological dad? Would be without his dad, have the same impact? I heard somewhere that only 23%  of todays kids in my city is brought up in a home where they still have both their parents.I want my son to be part of the 23%...but what at what cost?

What I know for sure, is that this crap will not be passed down to my son. I will not be treated like my grandmother was...this is a game changing generation - we refuse to take what is being handed to us. Father God please help to see what my next move is...

Starting weight:110.6kgs
Current weight: 108.4kgs
Lost:2.2 kgs

Your flirting makes me sick

My husband is flirting with me and it makes me mad...

Let me explain. My porn addict of a husband is the quite unassuming type. The video gamer, who gets excited about blu ray movies and graphic novels. The ultimate geek. I thought I knew him. I thought he wasn't interested in other women, either being to shy, to committed or not interested enough to pursue the other sex.

I was wrong.

The thread that eventually led to the unravelling of our marriage and the discovery of his porn addiction was when I read his conversation thread on Facebook with another woman. At first it seemed innocent enough, but then the conversation went on for hours and took on a decidedly flirty tone. At one point, she exclaims that she doesn't understand why so many men want to talk to her online while she is talking to my husband and he responds by saying that he is willing to stand in line- my low key, unassuming snake of a husband. He goes onto  to say how much he digs her attitude and how much he enjoys their exchanges - I had never seen him before like this. I have never seen him so much as glance at another woman. I have to admit, I knew that his job was undemanding, but I thought he filled in his time playing online games and watching movies (his an IT administrator). I had never seen my husband in action before and OH MY WORD I can only imagine what his other conversations were like, if this was just the beginning.

I have had to change the way I see him. He is a flirt, a charmer - a womanising jerk. He is everything I hoped to avoid. His the proverbial player and I can't stand it. How did I find myself in this position? And now he flirts with me and all it does is remind me that this is how he is with any woman.Slick and sweet. I'm not special, I just happen to be around. He doesn't want to get divorced, but neither does he want to be faithful. He wants it all and by getting it, he has tainted our love. Now his turning on the charm...getting slightly naughty in his insinuations and I just want to gag. I wish I could tell him to stop, but then I think that if he didn't flirt with me, I would be upset because in mind, clearly his tons of sexual energy is being spent somewhere. And maybe if I just push through - one day, he will flirt with me and I will just enjoy it, instead of thinking of every woman he talked this way with.

But for now, I am repulsed. I am not one his women. I am not a slut looking for a quick lay. I need safety in a relationship in order to feel comfortable sexually. I am sleeping with the enemy, which is hard enough - please don't ask me to flirt you in email. I want to scream. I want throw something at him - I want to move out and move on with my life. Isn't there some corny phrase, about setting something free and if it comes back then its meant to be? That's how I feel...I want to set us free. I feel bad because it means that he might miss out on our sons development and plus being a single mom is really tough and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But if I could know for sure, that my son and I would be okay financially. That my husband and son would still have a great bond and my son wouldn't feel like he doesn't have a proper dad, I would leave today.

....

The other man...

Every now and then, I find myself wondering into dangerous territory. You see, I have started noticing this other guy...

I found myself  looking (okay staring) at him and wondering how different my life would have been if I had married him instead. We're so alike, we have so much in common and his pretty good looking to boot. In a different world, I can really see myself having relationship with this guy and I imagine it would have been wonderful. I feel so guilty about how I am feeling. I know that in life, we will all meet people that could have been our spouses - but I wish I could just turn it off for a little bit. I feel like its messing with my intent to be as objective as possible, when it comes to waiting to see where my marriage will go. When I think of him and new possibilities, I am filled with...longing for something less complicated that what I have now. I want something trauma free, where I can just be myself again. A new man presents that opportunity. I bet he wouldn't expose me to STD's...he wouldn't give himself away to as many women as possible, while I wait for him at home. I bet I could trust him...

So now I am playing cat and mouse with myself. When I catch myself thinking of him, I deliberately change my track of thought. This morning, I thought that maybe if I journal about it, it would make it easier. I don't want to think about other men and yet its soooo hard when I consider what my life would be like without my traitorous husband by my side. I just want to start over. I want to divorce and see what happens. Would we still want to be with each other? Would my then ex-husband return to form and having tons of sex with numerous women? And if what if he did? Surely, it would be good, because whatever we do when we're apart would be testimony to whats really in our hearts. If we got divorced, I wouldn't be going around offering myself to strange men. I want to know who he would be, without the constraints of marriage - because thats my husband in his true form and I need to know who that man is...

I know they say the reason why the grass is greener on the other side, is because there is more shit - but seriously, the other side of fence is looking pretty good to me. It couldn't possibly be any worse than the crap I am wading in now. Maybe, just maybe, the grass is looking greener on the side, because IT IS GREENER.

To make matters, I am starting to have flashbacks of my favourite "scenes" from M&B books. Its my sex showreel of hot and heavy stuff. I try to change track when it comes up, but its getting harder and harder. Last night was a little tough. I allowed it float in my conscience to long and then I struggled to get rid of it. It called to me to relax, close my eyes and get swept away. My husband and I haven't had sex in maybe a week - maybe thats the problem. I have found that when my hubby and I don't regularly have sex, the temptation gets a lot stronger.

Lord, protect my eyes and thoughts. The temptation is strong and I don't know what to do...

Demons and Divorce

I am a terrible Christian. My basic tendency is toward a tangible and scientific approach to life. Like many Christians out there, I have merged what  I have deemed common sense and my faith. For example, I believe in evolution - I also believe that God designed us and the world that way...but every now and then a little voice in my head whispers in my ear "Are you sure, God is real" - "What if Jesus wasn't the son of God, instead just a kid that had to be explained away by an unmarried woman". I feel intense guilt and resolve not to waver in my faith again...but it still happens every now and then. When I can't chase away these thoughts, I become my own witness. I testify to myself about Gods mercy and what He has done for me and believe me, He has done plenty. How can I question, when I have experienced his presence, seen Him move mountains on my behalf and literally have seen Him carry me through the valley death... and its happening again. Lately I haven't been praying as much as I should and in the oddest moments the voice calls to me..."Are you sure...?"


Well yes
                                                                          I AM SURE


let me tell you about what God has done for my marriage. He has led me every step of the way. Its because of Him that I have discovered what my husband is and in turn myself. I can't begin to tell you the divine intervention that took place. God planted questions and "feelings" that I went with, that I didn't understand - but once I obeyed them, my once "private" husband opened up like you wouldn't believe.  After the God inspired "lie detector" test idea, my husband told me things he never would have said - the result of which was me chucking my husband out of the house. At that moment, if someone had put divorce papers in front of me, I would have signed them.


Anyways, so after he left and I had time to think, I called a meeting to see what he wanted to do with our marriage. It was a heavy conversation spiritually. God opened up my eyes and I saw...things. My husbands countenance had changed...his eyes were shifty and he couldn't look me in the eyes. I am not talking nervousness, this was darker. At first I didn't recognise it for what it was, but slowly as our argument got heated it showed its face more and more. It was this spiritual awareness, that kept me from telling  him go to hell, I want  a divorce. My husband refused to fight for our marriage beyond the token protest in the beginning. His lack of passion to save us, didn't ring true for some reason ( I know its crazy, since his been cheating on me, but something was "off".) The conversation circled a couple of times, until we came to an impasse. He wasn't making enough of an effort to fight for me and then out of nowhere I asked him, "What do you want to do, once we get divorced?" And then he spoke to me about how he was "curious" about other women. I asked him whether this was porn curiosity or you want to be in another relationship curiosity. He looked at me in surprise and said, its a porn curiosity. He didn't realise it before...but its just about sex,not about us. And that moment was the birth of us trying again. I recognised that my husband had no idea what was going on his own heart and mind.  Porn had him wrapped up so tight, he couldn't see beyond the nudy pictures. I remember the moment I shifted to warrior mode instead of hurt wife. Its happened a couple of times over the last couple of months. Its like the pain shuts off and suddenly I am operating on a strength and clarity for greater than my own. Once he told me that his curiosity was porn related, I shape shifted. I was going to fight my husband for my husband.


The shifty eyed bastard was more prominent now, as the truth was slowly emerging. My husband began to sway ever so slightly and began looking like a trapped animal. I tapped into what God has always told me -"I will be with you always"  I refused to be intimidated and I went for the kill.  I looked my husband and knew, that he would need to come and get me. To active "show me" his choice. God had brought us to this place, where his confusion was laid bare and insight was brought to the table. We had gone as far as we could, now it was my husbands turn. I sat in silence and waited...he looked me and said. "Its not from God is it? This curiosity..." I said "No" and waited some more. I watched as my husband waged an internal battle and started to cry. My heart went out to him, but I sat glued to my seat. The devil was playing games, trying out different approaches to get a reaction out of me. He has tried the nonchalance passive approach, designed to hurt me and anger me into a divorce, he tried the insincere crying apology to stop any more questions because I would feel so sorry for him. He tried out irritation, to make me impatient - but God kept me stable and I saw through it all. It was like all these arrows were continually being fired at my heart, but Gods armour kept me so safe, I didn't feel a thing. After about 2.5 hours - I watched as I saw the first sincere tear roll from his eyes. In the silence my husband has fought his demon and reached for me and ultimately God. He pleaded with me to stay, he said he would become the man the I needed him to be...and I believed him for the first time, since our meeting began. After he did that, his countenance changed again. Eyes red with crying, he no longer looked shifty...he was calm and I felt he was spiritually present with me.


This conversation, more than any other shifted the direction of our marriage. I literally saw his demons weigh on him and I watched him fight it. If he had been a coward or loved me less, I would be divorced today. Instead, God put a fire in my belly and I fought hard. God took him by the hand, and showed him what was truly going on in his heart. We met each other at the half way line. I take no responsibility for this intervention. I was simply a conduit for His word.


I know God was there, I felt Him and saw His wisdom in every action.  Praise be to God for all He has done.

Sex after infidelity

Sex after infidelity...this must be the most confusing thing after discovering your partner is a unfaithful shmuck.


I have done so many searches on "when to have sex, after you find out your partner is a porn addict" or "when do you know the time is right to have sex after discovering an affair?' and there are no answers. But what I do know, is that sex after discovering infidelity is an insane roller-coaster ride.


There seems to be a couple of phases involved.
                                        

PHASE ONE: DON'T TOUCH ME!!

After finding out that his arms had been around someone else. That his lips has touched another, it was excruciating to have him even hold my hand. When he tried to kiss me, all I could think of was whether he had kissed her like this. If he had held her tightly...if he looked into her eyes as he caressed her face. I couldn't bear it. It all felt...wrong. I cringed at his touch - all it did was remind me of what he did with other women. It broke me, to know he had shared something so special to me - with any woman who he could get into bed with. His touches, his smile and kisses were no longer mine. Instead they belonged to the world...to strangers that he didn't even love.

PHASE TWO: HYSTERICAL BONDING

Hands down the best sex we have had in a looong time. I don't why my feelings shifted, but suddenly I was up for anything and everything. It was intense. The kind of sex you see in movies and wish  you that your husband was that connected with you. During this period we had more sex, than we had in the last couple of months combined. Twice a day is a mile away from once every month or so. And it was always face to face. Somehow, any other position just seemed to disconnect us. Apparently dysfunctional sex=hot sex. Afterwards I always felt as if I let myself down. How could I do this with a man, who a couple of days before was trying to get into someone else's pants. Did I have no self respect? After the adrenaline faded, this turned into....

PHASE THREE: CRYING SEX

You know you are messed up when you cry during sex. And not a "this is wonderful and I am so happy cry" - I am talking about tears rolling down your cheeks as your throat closes with heartbreak kind of cry. The kind of cry, when pain seems to vibrate through your entire being and no words could possibly express how you feel. Questions and wondering whether he tried this position with her - was she better then me? Did he learn how to move that way with her? How could he have shared this with someone else? Wasn't I good enough? Does he compare her to me? I once asked him, if he prefers doing it from the back, because then he didn't have to see my face and could imagine someone else. He said no...but I didn't believe him. 

The other day I cried again. I wasn't expecting it. I suddenly felt warmth creep out of the corners of my eyes and splash on my ears. He stopped and asked if I was okay. I answered him with a kiss, trying to convey that I love him, but I am sad. That its okay...it will be okay. I kissed him with all the passion I had, but in all honesty there were moments when it almost felt like I was saying goodbye. I don't know where it came from - maybe its because I am tired of being tired of the all that has happened. Maybe my unconscious self knows something I am yet to discover in my awake state. He hasn't tried again since then, and I don't blame him. Who wants to have sex with someone who might cry half way through it? 

PHASE FOUR: LETS TRY AGAIN

When I am not crying or fuelled with an serious urge to copulate, it feels like we're committing to each other all over again. We have promised that we will only share sexual activities with each other, as we both suffer from porn addiction. So no self-gratification, no looking at sexual material or fantasising unless its about your partner. This has dramatically improved our love life. Because there is no other outlet, we turn to  each other and it has helped to bond us emotionally and physically all over again. 

These phases don't seem to be static. I go back and forth between them and right now I feel like I am back to crying again. With the possibility of divorce seriously weighing on my mind, it tinges everything with bitter sweetness. His trying so hard, but it may not be enough...in the meantime I have given myself permission to feel the way I do. Sometimes I feel bad, because one day I am totally up for it and the next week I am hesitant to even kiss him. I don't mean to send conflicting messages, this is just how I feel and I am trying to be okay with that. This is just part of the price that we have to pay I guess...

Letters to a shmuck

Hey,

21/06/2011

Thank you for this – your emails are eloquent and great and I feel like I am getting to know you more this way.  This is quite a difficult email for me to write, but we can’t move on unless I do.

I am so glad that you want things to be different for XXX and I think your commitment to being a great father is amazing. I believe you can do it, with all my heart. As your relationship grows with your dad and with your heavenly father – you will become the most fabulous dad any child could have.

Last night, you said that I never tell you that I believe that you will be an amazing husband and I thought about it and you’re right and wondered why it’s so hard for me to say it. And here is why:

For 8 years I believed in you completely and totally. My faith and trust in you was without limit – to the extent that you took the place of God in my heart and thought that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I too wish that you had made different choices. I wish that you had chosen me above everyone else…but you didn’t and I now feel foolish and stupid for ever believing that you loved me. I feel hurt and betrayed to think how you lied to me over and over again, while I continued to love you more deeply each day.  I feel ashamed, that I was so blinded by my heart that I couldn’t see what my mind surely must have been recognising – why else would I have been constantly asking you why you love me, touching you all the time –maybe trying to make up for a love that simply wasn’t there. Maybe I thought that if I loved you enough, maybe you would love me more…

I do believe you could be an amazing husband, I am just struggling to believe that you could be an amazing husband to me.  You actively seeked out opportunities to be anything but faithful, committed and loving. When you should have protected us…me, you turned around and along with strangers violated my heart, our bed and our home and you enjoyed doing it. You kissed me, as you hurt me – you said you loved me, as you betrayed me – you looked into my eyes, and told me that I am the only one you wanted and made me feel silly for ever second guessing you. I looked into your eyes and believed every word you said…

And in the end, it broke my heart to know, that you cared so little about me that you would have continued to betray me, if I hadn’t found out. Its only by Gods’ grace, that I found out, when I did. Not because you loved me enough to tell me…

And so here I am…and I still love you and I probably will do so until my dying day, but I really just don’t know if it’s enough. To use your example of the love bank – our piggy bank is not just low on funds. Our relationship currently is facing foreclosure. There is simply no money left. You have failed to meet your obligations consistently and due to your bad credit history, you can no longer be viewed as a viable candidate for even a loan.

So what do we do now? I don’t know…and I hope you are right, when you say God will show us the way forward from here instead of us trying to guess…

What I would like though in the meantime, is for you to stop saying you love me until you know what your love looks like… for the last four years your love said:

·         I will live in the same space with you– but I will always be looking for someone else to share my body with, because you are not enough for me

·         I will do all the husband duties so that you can’t say I don’t look after you – but the moment I feel bored, I will take my attentions elsewhere

·         I will love you, but not enough to care about your feelings – only enough to care about how you affect me

·         I will do whatever I want, until you catch me out

·         I will be committed to you, but for only as long as it suits me

·         I will be faithful to you, but only when no-one else wants me

·         I will say I love you, because that seems to make you happy and words are easy. Don’t expect me to mean it…

·         I will pretend to be perfect for you – as long you don’t expect me to sacrifice anything for you

I find that what your love currently looks like, is not good enough for me. I deserve more than this. It hurts me to hear you say you love me, when I know this is what it means. So take some time out (as much time as you need) and when you think you are ready and prepared to make me a good offer that you can live up to, we can start from there.

------------------------

You just called and I am happy that you are being proactive about getting the polygraph. I really do hope it goes well…

L.

Just do it - cheat already

His wearing a shirt today...


In the middle of this week, when he was super busy and meeting people he wore a dirty t-shirt to work because he see why wearing a clean shirt was better and today is traditionally a very slow day, where he literally just sits in his office and plays games...and today his wearing a nice shirt. I wonder who his trying to impress.


I watch him with his laptop, to see if he quickly clicks out of things whenever I am close...


At night, I sometimes watch him while his sleeping to see if he will give anything away. I wonder if his cheating on me again and it makes me sad that this is what my marriage has come to.


They say it takes 3-4 years to truly get over betrayal, but I don't know if I can hang on for that long. The waiting to see if I can catch him out again, the misery when I realise I will never really know for sure. I am so tired of not knowing, not trusting...I miss the warmth of security.

I have constant dreams, where I catch him cheating again. Mostly his having dinner with a female co-worker after he told me he needs to work late.In my dreams I feel sad, but also surprisingly a strong sense of relief. I guess its because if he cheats, the waiting will be over. I can move on with my life and leave him behind knowing that I did the best I could for our son. There will be no more waiting to see if he lets me down again. There will be no more second guessing when he looks nice for work.I won't have the compulsive need to check where his phone is every time he goes to the bathroom in case his texting someone else. It will just be me and I think I could be really am happy with that.


I have deliberately chosen not to remind him that we have agreed that he will be taking a lie detector test. He will assume that I am beginning to trust him again. I have decided to give him enough rope to hang himself. So I will try to not use his laptop any more and I will stop asking him how his "temptations" are going. We are supposed to have relationship Thursdays where we talk about our relationship - but I won't bring it up any more. The sooner he cheats on me, the sooner I can get on with my life instead of wasting more time on someone who loves me, but apparently doesn't love me enough to stop sleeping around.


If I had money I would pay a woman to strike a relationship with him and tempt him. I really would and if she cracks him within a month- there would even be a bonus...mmmmm I need a hug :-(

The shame of the Stepford wife

So we're talking about Christmas plans with my parents over the weekend and I suggested we have the family lunch over at our place. I turned to my husband and asked him how many people does he think we can fit into our lounge and he says "Well, remember the birthday dinner you threw me last year? There was about 10 people there" and just like that, I felt foolish all over again.

I remember his birthday... 

I remember that I slaved to make a 3 course meal with assorted side dishes for 10 people. I remember asking my mom for cutlery and crockery, because I didn't have any that was fancy enough. I borrowed linens and tables...and on the night, there I was - warmer on the go, coffee tray in hand - praising him in front of everyone for being such a fantastic husband...

 And now...now I just feel stupid for going all out in front of everyone to make him happy. I feel like an idiot, because while I was planned his birthday party - he most likely planned on registering himself on yet another dating website. 


I sometimes wonder if my single friends saw his dating profiles, but never mentioned it to me:-( 


To add further insult to injury, besides the public humiliation - there is the private shame about how he always acted so possessive about his wedding band and photos of me. He would always pretend to get upset, if I deleted a photo of myself that I didn't like off his phone. He feigned anger, that I was messing with something that was precious to him. He would really go all out. Sputtering about how I am not ever allowed to touch his phone again. That the photos are special. Blah blah blah blah....


Oh and the damn wedding band. He always ensured that he had it on. When he took off for soccer, it would be the first thing he would ask for when we went home.2 days before D day, he told me that it was special to him because it reminded him of me - that same day he spent the night chatting away online. Mmmm, I wonder if he took it off when he made out with that chick after we got married....


Now I can't bear the thought of taking photos with him and he can shove his band. As a matter of fact, I no longer wear my wedding ring, because it has lost all meaning. I cringe at the thought, that we are going to have pose for family pics come Christmas. And if he asks for photos of just the two of us...I don't know. What would be the point? Its not like carrying around photos of me helped him stay faithful - as a matter of fact when he started his last FB relationship, his profile pic was of the two of us together.


I am devastated and embarrassed that I so publicly championed him. He smile and enjoyed it, while betraying me with any harlot he could find...


Well no more. He won't make a fool of me again. He can take his band and shove it and as for photos...well my son better be there, because his the only reason I would be willing to take them!

My Gethsemane

Can you be happy in a marriage, after a partner has been unfaithful? Is this to be my gethsemane?


Before I discovered my husbands numerous infidelities, I was a happily married woman. I was content with my lot in life. I let go of the fact that my husband never spoke to me about his feelings, but I rationalised that it was just a guy thing. I ignored the fact that over the years, intimacy dwindled to the extent where we felt like two friends instead of two people in love.So what if we were more lukewarm, than hot - maybe this is what family life looks like.


I had asked God to help us be good parents and then watched as he answered my prayer, by stripping bear our sham of a marriage.  My husband and I now stand at ground zero trying to rebuild, but all that we have these days are glimpses of happiness. These glimpses for me are often followed by a far longer lasting hammering of memories and pain. I refuse to ignore it, but I work hard at not being gratuitous about it. I have accepted the fact, that there is no way around it - if I want to heal, I need to go through it. Its hard though. We both wish "it" would just go away. 

We both wish I could forget "it" and move on...

we both wish we could be happy, but the truth is we're not. 85% of the time I am completely miserable. I don't know how he feels, because he still doesn't tell me unless I ask him. I have asked God to restore my heart to my husband, because this thing is so far beyond me, that its crushed me. If my marriage survives, it will only be because God has healed it...or maybe that's the point?


Is my marriage meant to be a testimony to Gods grace? I know its selfish, but if it is...why me? Couldn't He have found some other way? Is my purpose in this life, to be Gods hand in severing the clear generational curse of lust and broken families that run in his bloodline and perhaps mine (just found out the other day that my grandmother was an affair when she was a young married woman)...its to much for me to bear. I can't carry this load and yet...and yet if I stay and if God is faithful to His word - then my son will be free, my husband will know and feel Gods grace, forgiveness and joy. Is this my calling? Is this my ministry?

what 

about 

me? 

I am afraid, that if I stay I will just be wasting more time. I am scared that I am misreading Gods will and this just my desperate need to  make it all, make sense. 


I am terrified that the man who betrayed me as he kissed me - will take what little is left of my precious heart and give it away to some prostitute or a cheap one night stand.


God I ask for the strength and the resolve to see this through. If this is Your will, show me what you want me to do. This load is to heavy to carry and so I hand it and my heart over to You...