Letters to a shmuck

Hey,

21/06/2011

Thank you for this – your emails are eloquent and great and I feel like I am getting to know you more this way.  This is quite a difficult email for me to write, but we can’t move on unless I do.

I am so glad that you want things to be different for XXX and I think your commitment to being a great father is amazing. I believe you can do it, with all my heart. As your relationship grows with your dad and with your heavenly father – you will become the most fabulous dad any child could have.

Last night, you said that I never tell you that I believe that you will be an amazing husband and I thought about it and you’re right and wondered why it’s so hard for me to say it. And here is why:

For 8 years I believed in you completely and totally. My faith and trust in you was without limit – to the extent that you took the place of God in my heart and thought that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I too wish that you had made different choices. I wish that you had chosen me above everyone else…but you didn’t and I now feel foolish and stupid for ever believing that you loved me. I feel hurt and betrayed to think how you lied to me over and over again, while I continued to love you more deeply each day.  I feel ashamed, that I was so blinded by my heart that I couldn’t see what my mind surely must have been recognising – why else would I have been constantly asking you why you love me, touching you all the time –maybe trying to make up for a love that simply wasn’t there. Maybe I thought that if I loved you enough, maybe you would love me more…

I do believe you could be an amazing husband, I am just struggling to believe that you could be an amazing husband to me.  You actively seeked out opportunities to be anything but faithful, committed and loving. When you should have protected us…me, you turned around and along with strangers violated my heart, our bed and our home and you enjoyed doing it. You kissed me, as you hurt me – you said you loved me, as you betrayed me – you looked into my eyes, and told me that I am the only one you wanted and made me feel silly for ever second guessing you. I looked into your eyes and believed every word you said…

And in the end, it broke my heart to know, that you cared so little about me that you would have continued to betray me, if I hadn’t found out. Its only by Gods’ grace, that I found out, when I did. Not because you loved me enough to tell me…

And so here I am…and I still love you and I probably will do so until my dying day, but I really just don’t know if it’s enough. To use your example of the love bank – our piggy bank is not just low on funds. Our relationship currently is facing foreclosure. There is simply no money left. You have failed to meet your obligations consistently and due to your bad credit history, you can no longer be viewed as a viable candidate for even a loan.

So what do we do now? I don’t know…and I hope you are right, when you say God will show us the way forward from here instead of us trying to guess…

What I would like though in the meantime, is for you to stop saying you love me until you know what your love looks like… for the last four years your love said:

·         I will live in the same space with you– but I will always be looking for someone else to share my body with, because you are not enough for me

·         I will do all the husband duties so that you can’t say I don’t look after you – but the moment I feel bored, I will take my attentions elsewhere

·         I will love you, but not enough to care about your feelings – only enough to care about how you affect me

·         I will do whatever I want, until you catch me out

·         I will be committed to you, but for only as long as it suits me

·         I will be faithful to you, but only when no-one else wants me

·         I will say I love you, because that seems to make you happy and words are easy. Don’t expect me to mean it…

·         I will pretend to be perfect for you – as long you don’t expect me to sacrifice anything for you

I find that what your love currently looks like, is not good enough for me. I deserve more than this. It hurts me to hear you say you love me, when I know this is what it means. So take some time out (as much time as you need) and when you think you are ready and prepared to make me a good offer that you can live up to, we can start from there.

------------------------

You just called and I am happy that you are being proactive about getting the polygraph. I really do hope it goes well…

L.

Out for blood...

When your significant other decides to have an affair, they may as well have taken a dump on your favourite dress. I looked at so many sites of people who cheated and the description that comes up often, is that they felt like they were in a "fog". Well then, lets see what we can do to help clear that up...

After D Day- what every cheating heart should do....

1. Soul search - are you really sorry? This is most kindest things you can do, after you decided to step out of your marriage and betrayed your spouse. If your not sorry, don't waste your spouses time and just leave. Don't waste anymore of her precious time. She only has this one life to live - allow her to live it with someone who will love and treasure her. It will be best final gift you ever give her. If you realise that you made a mistake...

2. Confront that bitch. Tell her, that it was a mistake - you don't know what the hell happened, but you 're sorry that you ever spoke to her, touched her and any other nasty ass thing you did. You choose your wife and your marriage. Nothing and noone is worth risking your marriage for. You were stupid to have done what you did and you regret it intensely. Say it in the most strongly worded way possible, so that there is no doubt. Your wife shouldn't have to tell you what to say - if you are genuinely sorry let the words flow from your heart and let your sincerity shine through. You have stripped pride and dignity from both your spouse and yourself. Its time to restore it. The enemy came in the dead of the night and has threatened your home and your family - its time to find your balls and fight back

I said f*ck off...

3. Show your wife that she is the one you want. You should have by now, effectively told that ho, that she needs to move along - but now you are faced with a broken marriage. Your partner no longer feels loved, attractive, special, wanted. At some point, she must have been precious to you - after all you married her. Have a serious talk about how she would like you to show her, how much you care and the follow through. If she is to pissed to care, then just be there. Hold her, kiss her (if she will let you) - research as much as possible on ways to win her heart back. 

4.Be prepared to be target practice for a while. You have poisoned her and it is killing her from the inside. In order for your marriage to be better than before, it all needs to come out. She will spewing words, that you never thought your wife even knew. You might even have be ducking and diving for a while. Allow it happen. Don't defend your actions, accept the fact that you deserve it.  You have betrayed her, did you really think that she wouldn't be hurt by it...

I am so happy that your banging that chick from accounts...

5. Share her pain - you are about to run out of toilet paper very quickly. Oh man, are the tears going to flow. Hers and yours. Don't shy away from her pain. Go to her and hold her as she weeps. She is hurting badly and she needs you to just hold her. She also needs to see how sorry you are. Cry with her and share with her how you feel. She will never know how you feel, unless you show her. She might seem not to care, and there will be days were she wont... but she IS listening...

What is working in my marriage:

1. We have put God back in our relationship. Our marriage could not heal and thrive without him. We pray together and attend church. That spirit of lust that has overtaken us, will not destroy my family!               
2. My husband had to decide, what he wanted. I was his first proper girlfriend and along with his porn addiction, his curiosity about what it would be like with other women just was to much for him. But it couldn't be helped, that we met when we did - so he needed to decide what he wanted and be prepared to faithful to that. He needed to recommit. He taped his conversation with the other woman, where he told her it was over. I loved it - it felt like it gave me some of my power back.                         
3. After he decided what he wanted, he needed to show me his plans in how he was going to prevent this from happening ever again.You need real tangible changes, otherwise it will be so easy to slip again. This included, giving away all his porn, identifying triggers and avoiding them eg pics of near naked women. Without a plan,you have nothing
4. He is willing to do whatever it takes, to be with me and to make my dreams come true. I am through, with taking a back seat to him. (Not that he ever asked me to, but I did it to make our marriage work). Its my time now and he has committed enthuisiastically to support my dreams and plans.Its a new era in our marriage, because I am different and if he wants to stick around then he better buckle up.