I am in serious trouble

I am struggling guys. My brilliant plan to dupe via using a fake profile on Badoo, didn't work out. Deception is so foreign to me, that I am no match for him. I can only last a couple of days with any of my cunning plans to bring him to book and then I blurt it all out.

This morning, in our little black golf. I looked at him as I opened up with " I know what you've been doing". . I told him about the website and that I saw a profile that I thought was his. He swallowed ...hard...out of fear? Nervousness? I watched his side profile for any hint of a lie - he came out swinging. "I don't know what you think you saw, but I am not any social networking sites...I've stayed away...I'm not doing anything" he said I should keep speaking to the guy and I will find out for myself that its not him...the problem with that, is that internet guy has dissapeared after I slipped up in one of my responses to him. The rythym of my speech and the way I flirted was exactly what I would say and do with my husband...since then, nothing. Gone...

My chest is hurting.Its beginning to happen more regularly now. Its a sharp pain that feels like its under my breast plate. Sometimes its on the right side, but more often than not, its on my left. Sometimes my left arm feels weird. Its not sore...its just...different. I think its the constant stress of wondering whether my husband is fucking some whore...maybe its from the idea, that maybe that would be okay as long as his good to our son and me. Thats how other women do it right and they manage...maybe I could be that kind of woman too.

Its just that...I wanted the hero.I always told my husband that the reason why I thought we were a great couple was because I knew he would be able to carry on without me...only to find that thats not what I want after all. I want love beyond all reason...I want the loyalty to the point of him wanting to be my second shadow. I want a man who would miss me, if I were to leave even for a week. My husband is not this man.

Maybe I am having a bad week - but more often than not, I am wondering whether a trial seperation would be great. I have asked him to move into our second bedroom before...but this is different. It would be feel out what living without him would be like. To have one day of peace, where I don't have to look at his face and wondering how can someone so beautiful, be so ugly inside.I would want to know if I would be in fact a lot happier without him.The only thing stopping me, is that I don't like a back and forth thing going on. For me, I enjoy making decisions and sticking to them. If he leaves...I am not sure whether I would take him back, even if I wanted to, out of fear that I would only ask him to leave once again sometime further down the line.

Guys ANY advice? How did you manage to stay sane after all our partners have done?

The other family

My aunt related to me by affair, died this week. She had a heart attack. I barely knew her and perhaps have seen her a handful of times. She belonged to the "other family"...

You see my maternal great grandfather had two women. He had been with my great grandmother first and then the mistress came along.They didn't know about each other until it came time for him to choose. My great grandmother didn't have much, but she was intelligent, ambitious and strong. He didn't choose her. And when it was time to leave, he said that he couldn't possibly leave this other woman because she needed him. She wouldn't be able to survive on her own, as he knew my great grandmother could. They say, his mistress had wrapped him around her little finger so tightly, they didn't who he was anymore. There was hushed conversations of witchraft involved...my great grandmother fought and begged for him to stay...

At the end of the day, he left. He left her and their children for his mistress and their children.

So my grandfather and his siblings lived in fishermans cottage, little better than a shack. Sleeping in one room on the floor...where the other family seemed to do well. I can only imagine the bitterness my grandfather must have felt.

Well, years later blood has told. Our family has prospered and theirs haven't. There isn't a shack in sight, we have good paying jobs and ambitiously we persue our dreams and careers - and we are successful at it. I wish my great grandmother could see the line of women that has come after her. What we have done and accomplished, even though she had to scrape and beg to keep a roof over her families head. I believe it was because she remained faithful to God and although she never got to see us in action, her sacrifice has paved the way for us.

The "other" family struggles. Poverty stricken, living in a slum - going nowhere slowly. I feel the corner of my mouth turn up in scorn - my heart whispers the words "this is what you get"...I feel petty, but somehow their downfall has fed my attitude of vengeance. My family suffered, heartbroken and alone my great grandmother was left to fend for herself and now look...blood tells.

Why did my great grandfather do it?

I actually believe that just as my great grandmothers actions has influenced our family line, his actions have influenced theirs. They are paying the price for his disloyalty. He brought into that home, a spirit of lust, betrayal and brokeness. Its a generational curse brought on by his own actions. Today, parts of that family is christian and they pray and attend church - but I wonder if that they understand the bigger picture of why they are where they are. Did they think, that life just happened this way? I feel bad for the upcoming generations and I believe that a full recovery can be made - but a price must be paid and today we see it happening.

We like to think of ourselves seperate from the generations before us, but its all linked. Things are passed down - hardships and blessings due to someone elses actions- this is how things work. Our partners are porn addicts for a reason - it would be interesting to know what happened in that family line (if the family is honest enough to say it like it is)...

We have a serious problem with lust and abuse in my family line from both sides. In every generation, we see it pop up. Its there because we have failed to make the right decisions, when we were called to be righteous and do the right thing.

I would be lying if I said my decision to stay up to this point hasn't been largely, because I believe that my son will reap the rewards if I stay. My husband comes from a broken home, because his father was a philandering jerk and his father before him was an absentee dad. I want more for my son than the life, his father and grandfather has up to this point had  laid out for him.

Of course, if my husband continues being unfaithful - I wouldn't want my son around that either - but while we are all trying, I will stay because I believe that will bring about positive change in his family line and my son will be in a better place for it.

As future elders of our families, we need to understand what we do now matters. We need to truly embrace the idea that we have the power to change things for the better or the worst and that sometimes to see joy and goodness in our families we need to pay the price for someone elses bad choices.

When truth plays hide and seek

Truth...what is the truth? Is it the truth that he loved me, but not enough to be faithful? Is it the truth that he loved himself more than he loved me and thats why he found it so easy to betray me...or maybe the truth is more heartbreakingly simple. Maybe he just didn't care...

The hardest part about trying to heal, is coming to grips with that the fact that two truths seemingly in conflict, can both exist - valid in its own right and yet discordant when placed next to each other.  Its true he betrayed me...its also true that he loves me. Its true that he cooks, cleans and pays the bills...its true that he never looked after my heart half as well. He loves me...he loves me not...he needs me...maybe not.

In my head I understand what went wrong - I understand how addiction wrapped itself around his heart like a boa constrictor until it finally squeezed the life out of him. I understand it all and yet I don't understand any of it - the questions of why keeps coming up. Its as if my heart refuses to understand, no matter how much I tell it to let it go...come on dear heart,  you read that article of porn addiction over and over again, it makes sense, so let it go....come on dear heart, his already said his sorry a million times, don't you believe him? Come on dear heart, I know you're hurting, but try one more time...just for me.Try to believe...

His porn addiction has robbed me of so much. It has stripped me of my joy and gave away my hard won peace, for not a nickel or dime. He allowed his fantasies to blur into reality and turned my world into a place of doubt, self loathing and insecurity. He took what was good about me and made a mockery of my beliefs...my belief in him...and my belief in myself. Maybe the truth is, I shouldn't have given him that much power...but how do you love someone and hold a part of you back? I don't know how to be self-protective and its killing me.  How do I become stronger, without becoming bitter.

Maybe the truth is, that some truths you don't need to know. If he had had one or two indiscretions and stopped it there - I didn't need to know and I would have been happy - happy but foolish for loving a man, who doesn't love me the same way, I loved him.

The truth is smoke and mirrors and I am tired from trying to understand. I am worn out by reality and heartbreak. I long for the eternal sunshine of spotless mind...

I live by simple truths these days. I love my son and he loves me. God is good all the time. I am on my own... and thats the truth.

One in a million

Apprehensive at the thought about our first post discovery valentines day, I caught myself thinking about our very first valentines day.

His family had gone out of the city to visit family and he told me that wouldn't be here, but he loved me. I was little sad, but looking forward to the phonecall...those phonecalls was the axis that my world turned around...anyways, he calls and tells me that he loves and suddenly the door bell rang and there he was - a shoprite teddy bear, fake rose and mug in hand. One those cheap gift sets that sold for more than it was worth and I loved it. There was no valentines day in the recent years - I remember the last one, when I scattered little heart notes all around the flat, each with a reason on why I loved him. He barely looked at them. And then we just didn't celebrate it anymore.

He swore he loved me...cried heartbreakingly when I asked him to leave. Where was this love, when he kissed another woman...when he carressed someone else. I asked him never to tell me that he loved me again - will he try on valentines day? I will try not to think about the fact that last year valentines day, he spent the day on dating websites while I planted all over facebook that I loved him. I will try not to remember how hard it was for him to plan something for me, when he barely spared a thought at putting in leave to be his girlfriend...I will try to remember the time he sang a "One in a Million" for me...how we sat outside fancy restaurants eating schwarma on a bench, because neither of knew what that booking was important back then. We didn't care though, because we were just excited to be next to each. I will try to remember, the first time he told me loved me and the softness in eyes when he said it. I will try....

Your flirting makes me sick

My husband is flirting with me and it makes me mad...

Let me explain. My porn addict of a husband is the quite unassuming type. The video gamer, who gets excited about blu ray movies and graphic novels. The ultimate geek. I thought I knew him. I thought he wasn't interested in other women, either being to shy, to committed or not interested enough to pursue the other sex.

I was wrong.

The thread that eventually led to the unravelling of our marriage and the discovery of his porn addiction was when I read his conversation thread on Facebook with another woman. At first it seemed innocent enough, but then the conversation went on for hours and took on a decidedly flirty tone. At one point, she exclaims that she doesn't understand why so many men want to talk to her online while she is talking to my husband and he responds by saying that he is willing to stand in line- my low key, unassuming snake of a husband. He goes onto  to say how much he digs her attitude and how much he enjoys their exchanges - I had never seen him before like this. I have never seen him so much as glance at another woman. I have to admit, I knew that his job was undemanding, but I thought he filled in his time playing online games and watching movies (his an IT administrator). I had never seen my husband in action before and OH MY WORD I can only imagine what his other conversations were like, if this was just the beginning.

I have had to change the way I see him. He is a flirt, a charmer - a womanising jerk. He is everything I hoped to avoid. His the proverbial player and I can't stand it. How did I find myself in this position? And now he flirts with me and all it does is remind me that this is how he is with any woman.Slick and sweet. I'm not special, I just happen to be around. He doesn't want to get divorced, but neither does he want to be faithful. He wants it all and by getting it, he has tainted our love. Now his turning on the charm...getting slightly naughty in his insinuations and I just want to gag. I wish I could tell him to stop, but then I think that if he didn't flirt with me, I would be upset because in mind, clearly his tons of sexual energy is being spent somewhere. And maybe if I just push through - one day, he will flirt with me and I will just enjoy it, instead of thinking of every woman he talked this way with.

But for now, I am repulsed. I am not one his women. I am not a slut looking for a quick lay. I need safety in a relationship in order to feel comfortable sexually. I am sleeping with the enemy, which is hard enough - please don't ask me to flirt you in email. I want to scream. I want throw something at him - I want to move out and move on with my life. Isn't there some corny phrase, about setting something free and if it comes back then its meant to be? That's how I feel...I want to set us free. I feel bad because it means that he might miss out on our sons development and plus being a single mom is really tough and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But if I could know for sure, that my son and I would be okay financially. That my husband and son would still have a great bond and my son wouldn't feel like he doesn't have a proper dad, I would leave today.

....

Demons and Divorce

I am a terrible Christian. My basic tendency is toward a tangible and scientific approach to life. Like many Christians out there, I have merged what  I have deemed common sense and my faith. For example, I believe in evolution - I also believe that God designed us and the world that way...but every now and then a little voice in my head whispers in my ear "Are you sure, God is real" - "What if Jesus wasn't the son of God, instead just a kid that had to be explained away by an unmarried woman". I feel intense guilt and resolve not to waver in my faith again...but it still happens every now and then. When I can't chase away these thoughts, I become my own witness. I testify to myself about Gods mercy and what He has done for me and believe me, He has done plenty. How can I question, when I have experienced his presence, seen Him move mountains on my behalf and literally have seen Him carry me through the valley death... and its happening again. Lately I haven't been praying as much as I should and in the oddest moments the voice calls to me..."Are you sure...?"


Well yes
                                                                          I AM SURE


let me tell you about what God has done for my marriage. He has led me every step of the way. Its because of Him that I have discovered what my husband is and in turn myself. I can't begin to tell you the divine intervention that took place. God planted questions and "feelings" that I went with, that I didn't understand - but once I obeyed them, my once "private" husband opened up like you wouldn't believe.  After the God inspired "lie detector" test idea, my husband told me things he never would have said - the result of which was me chucking my husband out of the house. At that moment, if someone had put divorce papers in front of me, I would have signed them.


Anyways, so after he left and I had time to think, I called a meeting to see what he wanted to do with our marriage. It was a heavy conversation spiritually. God opened up my eyes and I saw...things. My husbands countenance had changed...his eyes were shifty and he couldn't look me in the eyes. I am not talking nervousness, this was darker. At first I didn't recognise it for what it was, but slowly as our argument got heated it showed its face more and more. It was this spiritual awareness, that kept me from telling  him go to hell, I want  a divorce. My husband refused to fight for our marriage beyond the token protest in the beginning. His lack of passion to save us, didn't ring true for some reason ( I know its crazy, since his been cheating on me, but something was "off".) The conversation circled a couple of times, until we came to an impasse. He wasn't making enough of an effort to fight for me and then out of nowhere I asked him, "What do you want to do, once we get divorced?" And then he spoke to me about how he was "curious" about other women. I asked him whether this was porn curiosity or you want to be in another relationship curiosity. He looked at me in surprise and said, its a porn curiosity. He didn't realise it before...but its just about sex,not about us. And that moment was the birth of us trying again. I recognised that my husband had no idea what was going on his own heart and mind.  Porn had him wrapped up so tight, he couldn't see beyond the nudy pictures. I remember the moment I shifted to warrior mode instead of hurt wife. Its happened a couple of times over the last couple of months. Its like the pain shuts off and suddenly I am operating on a strength and clarity for greater than my own. Once he told me that his curiosity was porn related, I shape shifted. I was going to fight my husband for my husband.


The shifty eyed bastard was more prominent now, as the truth was slowly emerging. My husband began to sway ever so slightly and began looking like a trapped animal. I tapped into what God has always told me -"I will be with you always"  I refused to be intimidated and I went for the kill.  I looked my husband and knew, that he would need to come and get me. To active "show me" his choice. God had brought us to this place, where his confusion was laid bare and insight was brought to the table. We had gone as far as we could, now it was my husbands turn. I sat in silence and waited...he looked me and said. "Its not from God is it? This curiosity..." I said "No" and waited some more. I watched as my husband waged an internal battle and started to cry. My heart went out to him, but I sat glued to my seat. The devil was playing games, trying out different approaches to get a reaction out of me. He has tried the nonchalance passive approach, designed to hurt me and anger me into a divorce, he tried the insincere crying apology to stop any more questions because I would feel so sorry for him. He tried out irritation, to make me impatient - but God kept me stable and I saw through it all. It was like all these arrows were continually being fired at my heart, but Gods armour kept me so safe, I didn't feel a thing. After about 2.5 hours - I watched as I saw the first sincere tear roll from his eyes. In the silence my husband has fought his demon and reached for me and ultimately God. He pleaded with me to stay, he said he would become the man the I needed him to be...and I believed him for the first time, since our meeting began. After he did that, his countenance changed again. Eyes red with crying, he no longer looked shifty...he was calm and I felt he was spiritually present with me.


This conversation, more than any other shifted the direction of our marriage. I literally saw his demons weigh on him and I watched him fight it. If he had been a coward or loved me less, I would be divorced today. Instead, God put a fire in my belly and I fought hard. God took him by the hand, and showed him what was truly going on in his heart. We met each other at the half way line. I take no responsibility for this intervention. I was simply a conduit for His word.


I know God was there, I felt Him and saw His wisdom in every action.  Praise be to God for all He has done.

Letters to a shmuck

Hey,

21/06/2011

Thank you for this – your emails are eloquent and great and I feel like I am getting to know you more this way.  This is quite a difficult email for me to write, but we can’t move on unless I do.

I am so glad that you want things to be different for XXX and I think your commitment to being a great father is amazing. I believe you can do it, with all my heart. As your relationship grows with your dad and with your heavenly father – you will become the most fabulous dad any child could have.

Last night, you said that I never tell you that I believe that you will be an amazing husband and I thought about it and you’re right and wondered why it’s so hard for me to say it. And here is why:

For 8 years I believed in you completely and totally. My faith and trust in you was without limit – to the extent that you took the place of God in my heart and thought that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I too wish that you had made different choices. I wish that you had chosen me above everyone else…but you didn’t and I now feel foolish and stupid for ever believing that you loved me. I feel hurt and betrayed to think how you lied to me over and over again, while I continued to love you more deeply each day.  I feel ashamed, that I was so blinded by my heart that I couldn’t see what my mind surely must have been recognising – why else would I have been constantly asking you why you love me, touching you all the time –maybe trying to make up for a love that simply wasn’t there. Maybe I thought that if I loved you enough, maybe you would love me more…

I do believe you could be an amazing husband, I am just struggling to believe that you could be an amazing husband to me.  You actively seeked out opportunities to be anything but faithful, committed and loving. When you should have protected us…me, you turned around and along with strangers violated my heart, our bed and our home and you enjoyed doing it. You kissed me, as you hurt me – you said you loved me, as you betrayed me – you looked into my eyes, and told me that I am the only one you wanted and made me feel silly for ever second guessing you. I looked into your eyes and believed every word you said…

And in the end, it broke my heart to know, that you cared so little about me that you would have continued to betray me, if I hadn’t found out. Its only by Gods’ grace, that I found out, when I did. Not because you loved me enough to tell me…

And so here I am…and I still love you and I probably will do so until my dying day, but I really just don’t know if it’s enough. To use your example of the love bank – our piggy bank is not just low on funds. Our relationship currently is facing foreclosure. There is simply no money left. You have failed to meet your obligations consistently and due to your bad credit history, you can no longer be viewed as a viable candidate for even a loan.

So what do we do now? I don’t know…and I hope you are right, when you say God will show us the way forward from here instead of us trying to guess…

What I would like though in the meantime, is for you to stop saying you love me until you know what your love looks like… for the last four years your love said:

·         I will live in the same space with you– but I will always be looking for someone else to share my body with, because you are not enough for me

·         I will do all the husband duties so that you can’t say I don’t look after you – but the moment I feel bored, I will take my attentions elsewhere

·         I will love you, but not enough to care about your feelings – only enough to care about how you affect me

·         I will do whatever I want, until you catch me out

·         I will be committed to you, but for only as long as it suits me

·         I will be faithful to you, but only when no-one else wants me

·         I will say I love you, because that seems to make you happy and words are easy. Don’t expect me to mean it…

·         I will pretend to be perfect for you – as long you don’t expect me to sacrifice anything for you

I find that what your love currently looks like, is not good enough for me. I deserve more than this. It hurts me to hear you say you love me, when I know this is what it means. So take some time out (as much time as you need) and when you think you are ready and prepared to make me a good offer that you can live up to, we can start from there.

------------------------

You just called and I am happy that you are being proactive about getting the polygraph. I really do hope it goes well…

L.

The shame of the Stepford wife

So we're talking about Christmas plans with my parents over the weekend and I suggested we have the family lunch over at our place. I turned to my husband and asked him how many people does he think we can fit into our lounge and he says "Well, remember the birthday dinner you threw me last year? There was about 10 people there" and just like that, I felt foolish all over again.

I remember his birthday... 

I remember that I slaved to make a 3 course meal with assorted side dishes for 10 people. I remember asking my mom for cutlery and crockery, because I didn't have any that was fancy enough. I borrowed linens and tables...and on the night, there I was - warmer on the go, coffee tray in hand - praising him in front of everyone for being such a fantastic husband...

 And now...now I just feel stupid for going all out in front of everyone to make him happy. I feel like an idiot, because while I was planned his birthday party - he most likely planned on registering himself on yet another dating website. 


I sometimes wonder if my single friends saw his dating profiles, but never mentioned it to me:-( 


To add further insult to injury, besides the public humiliation - there is the private shame about how he always acted so possessive about his wedding band and photos of me. He would always pretend to get upset, if I deleted a photo of myself that I didn't like off his phone. He feigned anger, that I was messing with something that was precious to him. He would really go all out. Sputtering about how I am not ever allowed to touch his phone again. That the photos are special. Blah blah blah blah....


Oh and the damn wedding band. He always ensured that he had it on. When he took off for soccer, it would be the first thing he would ask for when we went home.2 days before D day, he told me that it was special to him because it reminded him of me - that same day he spent the night chatting away online. Mmmm, I wonder if he took it off when he made out with that chick after we got married....


Now I can't bear the thought of taking photos with him and he can shove his band. As a matter of fact, I no longer wear my wedding ring, because it has lost all meaning. I cringe at the thought, that we are going to have pose for family pics come Christmas. And if he asks for photos of just the two of us...I don't know. What would be the point? Its not like carrying around photos of me helped him stay faithful - as a matter of fact when he started his last FB relationship, his profile pic was of the two of us together.


I am devastated and embarrassed that I so publicly championed him. He smile and enjoyed it, while betraying me with any harlot he could find...


Well no more. He won't make a fool of me again. He can take his band and shove it and as for photos...well my son better be there, because his the only reason I would be willing to take them!

My Gethsemane

Can you be happy in a marriage, after a partner has been unfaithful? Is this to be my gethsemane?


Before I discovered my husbands numerous infidelities, I was a happily married woman. I was content with my lot in life. I let go of the fact that my husband never spoke to me about his feelings, but I rationalised that it was just a guy thing. I ignored the fact that over the years, intimacy dwindled to the extent where we felt like two friends instead of two people in love.So what if we were more lukewarm, than hot - maybe this is what family life looks like.


I had asked God to help us be good parents and then watched as he answered my prayer, by stripping bear our sham of a marriage.  My husband and I now stand at ground zero trying to rebuild, but all that we have these days are glimpses of happiness. These glimpses for me are often followed by a far longer lasting hammering of memories and pain. I refuse to ignore it, but I work hard at not being gratuitous about it. I have accepted the fact, that there is no way around it - if I want to heal, I need to go through it. Its hard though. We both wish "it" would just go away. 

We both wish I could forget "it" and move on...

we both wish we could be happy, but the truth is we're not. 85% of the time I am completely miserable. I don't know how he feels, because he still doesn't tell me unless I ask him. I have asked God to restore my heart to my husband, because this thing is so far beyond me, that its crushed me. If my marriage survives, it will only be because God has healed it...or maybe that's the point?


Is my marriage meant to be a testimony to Gods grace? I know its selfish, but if it is...why me? Couldn't He have found some other way? Is my purpose in this life, to be Gods hand in severing the clear generational curse of lust and broken families that run in his bloodline and perhaps mine (just found out the other day that my grandmother was an affair when she was a young married woman)...its to much for me to bear. I can't carry this load and yet...and yet if I stay and if God is faithful to His word - then my son will be free, my husband will know and feel Gods grace, forgiveness and joy. Is this my calling? Is this my ministry?

what 

about 

me? 

I am afraid, that if I stay I will just be wasting more time. I am scared that I am misreading Gods will and this just my desperate need to  make it all, make sense. 


I am terrified that the man who betrayed me as he kissed me - will take what little is left of my precious heart and give it away to some prostitute or a cheap one night stand.


God I ask for the strength and the resolve to see this through. If this is Your will, show me what you want me to do. This load is to heavy to carry and so I hand it and my heart over to You...

Sick...reeeaally

Sick huh?

Mmmmm, my first day back at work and my husband has decided that today he is sick and needs to stay home...

Of course the first thought that went through my mind, was whether his actually staying home to either have;

a) Online sex with someone

b) Actual sex with someone

c)  Sex with himself

Before I caught him, I would have been soooo sorry for him. Poor baby! But when I think about the time he actually went to meet someone he met online - I wonder if he told me if he was "sick" then to and had to stay home...or maybe he just pretended to go to work.

I am sad that my first thoughts are now whether or not his actually screwing around. I am sadder still that I then immediately think, that is doesn't matter - with the next lie detector test I'll catch him out.  But you can bet your ass on this -if he has been creeping around, there is not enough meds in the world that will save him from what I got in store!

Fear infested waters

Tomorrow I go back to work after 3 months of maternity leave and all I can say is "THANK YOU GOD", for bringing me through.

My husbands' infidelities came to light when I was 7 months pregnant. The pain and misery would have killed me, but somehow God held me in the palm of His hand and protected me and my unborn son. I was so worried, that the stress would somehow mess up his development - but his a perfect beautiful baby boy. Thank you Jesus.

There were days, when for fleeting moments when I thought it would be easier just to end my life. These thoughts were just as quickly dismissed as I knew my self worth and the worth of my son was far greater than my circumstances. Thank you God.

Moments turned into hours of bitterly crying. I cried and cried until my nose was numb from wiping and my eyes were rung dry. Feeling alone,rejected and unloved, I remembered that He said he would never leave me, nor forsake me - oh how I am so undeserving  Your mercy and grace. I had left to worship at his alter, when I promised You my heart. How great is Thy faithfulness...

I was drowning in fear infested waters and you said, if I trust You...if only I believe - You will bring me through. Fear held me by the ankles and pulled and tugged me under. It nipped at my heels and grazed my belly. Drowning, falling, fading into darkness- you pulled me out - Thank you God.

In the cold depths of my despair, Your Spirit comforted me. Held me close, stroked my hair, said it will be okay,to trust in the plans You have for me. Blinded by my tears, I closed my eyes and listened to Your voice. Oh how sweet the sound....Your Holy Spirit has walked with me and comforted me, reminding me of who I am.  

I am the daughter of the great I AM. 

Sorry Daddy, for neglecting our relationship - Thank for loving me through it all. You heard my prayer and answered my call - without you I am nothing. I was lost and drowning in the inky blackness of the night - You grabbed me around the waist, lifted me up towards the horizon and showed me the coming light. 

Thank God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for all You have done.

Amen.

Dear asshole

There have been some terrible moments over the last couple of months,  that are so painful I can't even bear to say it out loud...

4.Listening to you, while you were having dream sex with someone else. 

3.Last valentines day, I had to work in a different city. I made such an     idiot out of myself dedicating songs to you over facebook, telling everyone who cared to listen how amazing you were. You called me, to say you loved me to. Realising now that when you put the phone down - you had online sex with someone else.

2.Finally embracing the fact that my husband will cheat, manipulate and lie with no remorse.

But you know what the worst was?

1.Lying alone in my hospital bed,tubes sticking of me- unable to move and softly weeping in the dark - wondering whether you were with your mistress. I had never felt so

ALONE 

and so  

 UNLOVED. 

I will never tell you this, because 

I have my pride.

The plastic surgery question

Am I pretty enough to keep my husband?

It stings a little (okay, a heck of a lot) that all the women he cheated on me with, was thinner and younger than me. I would say that they looked like me (body wise) when I first met my husband. Toned, athletic and body beautiful. Now 8 years and 1 child later, I am big. When I met hubby I weighed 65 kgs in 2004, but the time I got married 2008 I weighed 104. My heaviest was 117.5 kgs in 2009.

Oh, I would make weak attempts at exercising, depending on those around me - to motivate me. But when I reached nearly a 120kgs, I had enough. I know everyone says it, but I just didn't fully realise how big I was getting until I was HUGE. I then started exercising religiously. Nothing hectic, but I tried to walk at least 3 times a week and the weight started dropping off. I changed my eating habits and I saw even more of a difference. I was on my way! Feeling better about myself, then I had in ages - I thought surely my husband must be happier with me now (not that he ever said that I should lose weight). By the time I fell pregnant in October 2010, I was weighing 104kgs. I had so nearly touched my goal of weighing under 100kgs, that my more vainer moments contained resentment that I fell pregnant instead of reaching my goal. I started picking up weight in the pregnancy and every kg was a little death to me. How much bigger am I going to get? When I eventually gave birth to my son, I weighed in at 122kgs. Now 3 months after his birth, I have dropped back down to 106kgs.

I FEEL UGLY.

I resent my husband for not caring that I tried SO HARD to lose weight. I did it, so that he could be proud to be with me...to be aroused by me again. When I have my bad weight days (like today), I feel like going onto those websites where men are looking for bigger women. They find my shape beautiful - I don't need to feel like they have "settled" for me. They would love me. They would adore me.

Seriously... I am like a third of her size. I wonder if this guy is single now...

 My hubby and I have started a no secrets policy, so instead of letting this desire grow - I have confessed it to my husband. His always quick to say that the porn he watched also had big women in it. He doesn't get it...whats a fucking knife in the back was that the women he actually had physical contact with (not online or video) where all thinner than me. When he had the choice, he didn't go after a big girl...he didn't go after someone like me. And can I blame him? No. In my dreams, the guy was never pudgy. He was muscled and strong - why should his dream girl be any different? So no matter what he says, I don't believe he finds me attractive and now I am considering plastic surgery.

Yes, I want to be beautiful for him - but more importantly I am tired of settling for how I look. When I look in the mirror, I want to love what I see. I am tired of wearing control top panties with dresses. I don't want to wear t-shirts and tops that are long enough to reach mid thigh so that it can cover my hanging tummy. I want to feel irrestible and I think that getting a tummy tuck could speed along the process.

He gets all freaked out by it, any time I mention it. He thinks that I shouldn't mess with my body. But what the hell does he know. His not the one, who has met and seen the other women and have walked away feeling old, frumpy and discarded like yesterdays trash. He hasn't had to stand there and feel the burn of humiliation when its clear who the prettier girl is. I just want someone to love me...is that so hard?

Father forgive me, I have sinned...

Did I not see his addiction, because I was an addict too?

This is my confession....

When I was 11 years old, I found a Mills and Boon book in my grandmothers house. It was nothing as risque, as you get in todays books. Back  then the sighting of a heaving bosom was as scintillating as it got. I fell in love immediately. I read that book over and over again, until it literally fell apart.

The rush of feelings that swept my body felt incredible. By then I had noticed boys and I had, had a couple of crushes - but this "feeling" was on a whole new level. I was experiencing lust for the first time and it felt good. My mom caught me reading this book and threw the book away. I took it out of the trash, locked myself in the bathroom and read it again. I wish I could I tell you that this was the end, but it was just the beginning.

I started looking for more and when the local library ran out of books, I searched for bookshops that had the kind of books I was looking for. No longer was the sighting of a "globe" exciting, I needed more...a lot more. The more graphic the better. I was readying about 6 or 7 books a week. I was about 14/15 years old. I used my lunch and travel money to buy books. Choosing to walk home and go hungry, so I could get my fix. And when I didn't have money...I stole. I wanted the books...I NEEDED them. It felt great to "get away with it" and then I started stealing books, even though I had the money. The high from getting away with it and enjoying my treasure was so intoxicating. I did it as often as I could...but then my conscience would attack and I would stop stealing completely or I would buy some and take some, telling myself that I am repeat customer, so they are still making money...

Of course I masturbated, as the feelings coursing through my body was highly addictive and no man could match that feeling. So much so, that I wonder if I have forever reprogrammed by body, only to highly aroused by these books instead of with the man that I love. Today, I don't orgasm...ever. Sex is a great and wonderful experience, but its a different feeling to one I have when reading. My husband thinks I don't understand the feeling and compulsive needs around masturbation and watching porn, but I understand only to clearly. I have felt so disgusted with myself. The need to read and masturbate was compulsive...

It went on this way for years and then I stumbled across online sex. And WOW!! What a rush. Its incredible. I could write my own Mills and Boon scenes with a willing,anonymous partner. The dirtier, the better. By then I had met my husband and I loved him. I figured though, that since I am not actually doing anything physical, it wasn't being unfaithful. But then I started getting irritated with him, more than I should. I was beginning to lose that loving feeling. The more online sex I had, the less I "loved" my boyfriend. One day I sat at my desk ( I was having online sex at work, using work resources...oh man, just writing that made me so sad) and I realised, that I had to choose between my online lover and my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend...it took a while for my system to calm down, but after about two weeks I started feeling like my old self again.I remember that there were days when I felt weak and I would go these online websites and just kinda cruise around...I realised that if I didn't stop cold turkey I would just go back, so every day I committed to not going back to these sites. 

It was getting to scary. I chose to leave my job and work someplace else. A week before my final day, my boss called me into the office and asked me if I let other people use my computer. My sixth sense told me to lie and I said yes, all the time. And then he said, "oh because we got a report that someone is accessing porn from your computer" - I of course acted appropriately disgusted...I remember feeling relieved and grateful that I was leaving this job in a couple of days...I never made that mistake again at the workplace, but seriously what the hell was wrong with me...

I continued reading as much Mills and Boon and other hardcore material I could get my hands on. I flirted with friends - I always thought, that it was no big deal, but given the right kind of environment what would have I done? I had a close call one day, when this guy which invited me to his place. I was tempted for like a second and then I thought to myself WTF and stopped it right there. Its only beens Gods grace, that unlike my husband I haven't actually gone out and made a play for some guy.

When my boyfriend proposed, we moved in together. Our sex life dewindled. He was watching tons of porn and would prefer to touch himself and I was reading Mills and Boon books and thick 'romantic" novels. I put down our lack of sex to just being a phase in the relationship at the time. I never saw the danger surrounding us.

That year my husband started picking up girls on trains and I had a weird expierience. One day, hubby gets up and goes to work. I remember lying in bed and it felt as if someone was straightening out and parting my legs. In half a daze, I thought I was sleeping - but I remember distinctly feeling "awake" but unable to move. I remember feeling like I was about to sex, but noone was there. The feeling called to me and tempted me to just relax and enjoy it. But my sixth sense kicked in and I realised, that something weird was happening and I started to struggle against the feeling and get out of bed. It was so hard! I got so scared. The more I struggled, the more it felt like something was working its way up my body. I started to pray and "it" released me. I stumbled out of bed, shaken and relieved - and yet I perversely missed that sexual feeling. During my darker periods of despair, when I wonder if my husband is telling the truth regarding whether his porn addiction. I remember this thing that happened and I remind myself that  clearly we have issues with lust and I do believe that what I was expieriencing was demonic. Lust pervaded our home and was pulling us further into the darkness and we never saw it coming...

For a while I didn't read Mills and Boons books, but inevitably I started a short while later. Intimacy was nowhere to be found in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once every couple of weeks. We loved each other, but we were not IN love. This is how we carried on for years. Then one day I found out I was pregnant and I asked God, to help us be the best parents we could be for our son. Soon after I discovered my husband having an affair and everything unravelled.

My husband made life altering decisions in the face of his porn addiction, I chose to stand with him. As a family we do not watch nor read porn. We are careful about the kinds of movies we see.We do not masturbate. We have chosen to only share sexual contact with each other and our sex life has never been better.

Some days its hard for me. The impulse to masturbate is strong, but I have taught myself to focus on something else. And when this doesn't work, I simply have to fight through the feeling. Lately I have had "flashbacks" of my favourite Mills and Boon scenes. It just pops up in my mind at unexpected times. I haven't read a book in months...7 months to be exact. As soon as it pops up, I start thinking of something else. But that feeling to enjoy it...noone will know, is so tantalising. 

And this is how I realised that my husband does not stand alone in the porn addict stakes. Yes, I didn't go as far as he did, but I have dishonoured him and God nonetheless.

So as a family, with God firmly leading us forth. We are forging a new path, for a better healthier kind of life. I have realised, that without God my family and I will fall apart. I am sorry, that wondered away from Him so far, but today right here, right now I confess with heart that I have sinned and I am so sorry.

God has heard my cry and He has saved me....

Money and Infidelity

My husband was my world. I wanted him to be happy, so I bought him the things he wanted even though I could barely afford it. In my world, that's what you do when you love someone - you show them how special they are, by giving them the desires of their heart. So I bought him the huge ass TV and Blue-ray player that I am still paying off today. If I had known about his need to fuck anything that walks, I could have saved myself some money and just bought him a prostitute - maybe we could even worked out a financial plan - like for every 12 sessions you buy, get one free or something...

Wow, I get a free STD as well...super ;-)

But you know what pisses me off the most? Its the fact that I took out the loan to get married to this jerk...and yes, I am still paying it off. I think about how he must have laughed at me, behind my back when I signed the paperwork. You see, I thought that when he proposed and took out a (much smaller) loan for us to get our own place - I mistakenly took it as a sign of commitment to me. What it really was a sign of, was his committment to watching as much porn and having as much online sex as he could handle. Apparently, being in his mothers house just didn't give him the kind of environment he needed...

It messes me up to think, that I was so gaga over him. I was thrilled because we had gotten our first new place - I saw sunshine and rainbows, while he was looking at tits and ass. I feel taken in...like he made a fool out of me. I was the butt of his lame joke  and I contributed financially for it.


Never again will I put myself financially on the line for him. Don't ask me, what I'm going to get him for christmas.Going from gifts worth thousands of rands, to what? A Musica voucher worth R150?

Besides all that, is that fact that I gave him full access to my accounts. I trusted him with me card and salary. He no longer enjoys that privilege. The kind of man who will cheat on his 7 month pregnant wife, is the kind of man that would steal from her. I remember a conversation I had with  my mom, she was dismayed that I trusted him so freely with my hard earned money - I thought she was crazy. After all, we were in love and he would never take advantage of me - what an idiot I was.

My husband was so offended, when I told him that I no longer want him anywhere near my money. "I have never taken any of it" he said...so he even treats my money with more respect than what he treated my body. I am so tired of being on the bottom of his list, so you know what...fuck his list, because

Now, he will need to pay. If there are loans that need to be taken out - he can do it. Facing divorce, I took a look at my precarious financial position and never never never again and will I do this to myself!

If you can't trust someone with your heart and body - you can't trust them with your finances!

Love is a four letter word

He lies...

I desperately want to believe him, but how can I - when I know he lies. He has looked me straight in the eyes and lied. He has kissed me and lied. Held me and lied. He...lies.

I always thought I was the creative one in the family, but man I don't hold a candle to him. His dedication to the role of faithful husband and loyal lover was outstanding...I never would have guessed he was anything other but that. And why should I have? I believed the lie.

I miss my friend...

Othello and me...

Everytime I think I am doing better - my heart falters and I despair of where I have found myself.

My husband recently did a very good thing. He tracked down the chick he cheated on me with after we got married (the first one) and told her off in no uncertain terms. Now, I totally believe that what happended was completely his fault. He could have said "no", but he didn't...as a matter fact he wanted to screw this chick, but she turned him down. You would think that because "it" didn't happen, it would hurt less - but it still does. Anyways, so he tracks her down and craps on her from a dizzy height. He told her, he was disgusted with them both, that they were both pathetic- he did it in front of me and I felt..vindicated. I was happy, elated and felt like I got the last laugh. It felt good...

So tell me, why do I feel so sad today? Maybe its because, I should never have had to hear my husband tell another woman how he regrets playing tonsil hockey. My mind wonders through everything he has done, and I bite my tongue lest I ask him useless questions, because infidelity is infidelity no matter how many times he did it, who he did it with and where. His unfaithful heart has cast me in the role of Othello and jealousy,hurt and paranoi has set fire to my dreams. I am convinced, he hasn't told me everything - but what is the point of asking, as surely it would be just more of the same. Whats one or two more women to the many he has betrayed me with...

O thou weed,

Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweet

That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne’er been born.

                                                                                                                 Othello. ACT IV Scene 2. 

Out for blood...

When your significant other decides to have an affair, they may as well have taken a dump on your favourite dress. I looked at so many sites of people who cheated and the description that comes up often, is that they felt like they were in a "fog". Well then, lets see what we can do to help clear that up...

After D Day- what every cheating heart should do....

1. Soul search - are you really sorry? This is most kindest things you can do, after you decided to step out of your marriage and betrayed your spouse. If your not sorry, don't waste your spouses time and just leave. Don't waste anymore of her precious time. She only has this one life to live - allow her to live it with someone who will love and treasure her. It will be best final gift you ever give her. If you realise that you made a mistake...

2. Confront that bitch. Tell her, that it was a mistake - you don't know what the hell happened, but you 're sorry that you ever spoke to her, touched her and any other nasty ass thing you did. You choose your wife and your marriage. Nothing and noone is worth risking your marriage for. You were stupid to have done what you did and you regret it intensely. Say it in the most strongly worded way possible, so that there is no doubt. Your wife shouldn't have to tell you what to say - if you are genuinely sorry let the words flow from your heart and let your sincerity shine through. You have stripped pride and dignity from both your spouse and yourself. Its time to restore it. The enemy came in the dead of the night and has threatened your home and your family - its time to find your balls and fight back

I said f*ck off...

3. Show your wife that she is the one you want. You should have by now, effectively told that ho, that she needs to move along - but now you are faced with a broken marriage. Your partner no longer feels loved, attractive, special, wanted. At some point, she must have been precious to you - after all you married her. Have a serious talk about how she would like you to show her, how much you care and the follow through. If she is to pissed to care, then just be there. Hold her, kiss her (if she will let you) - research as much as possible on ways to win her heart back. 

4.Be prepared to be target practice for a while. You have poisoned her and it is killing her from the inside. In order for your marriage to be better than before, it all needs to come out. She will spewing words, that you never thought your wife even knew. You might even have be ducking and diving for a while. Allow it happen. Don't defend your actions, accept the fact that you deserve it.  You have betrayed her, did you really think that she wouldn't be hurt by it...

I am so happy that your banging that chick from accounts...

5. Share her pain - you are about to run out of toilet paper very quickly. Oh man, are the tears going to flow. Hers and yours. Don't shy away from her pain. Go to her and hold her as she weeps. She is hurting badly and she needs you to just hold her. She also needs to see how sorry you are. Cry with her and share with her how you feel. She will never know how you feel, unless you show her. She might seem not to care, and there will be days were she wont... but she IS listening...

What is working in my marriage:

1. We have put God back in our relationship. Our marriage could not heal and thrive without him. We pray together and attend church. That spirit of lust that has overtaken us, will not destroy my family!               
2. My husband had to decide, what he wanted. I was his first proper girlfriend and along with his porn addiction, his curiosity about what it would be like with other women just was to much for him. But it couldn't be helped, that we met when we did - so he needed to decide what he wanted and be prepared to faithful to that. He needed to recommit. He taped his conversation with the other woman, where he told her it was over. I loved it - it felt like it gave me some of my power back.                         
3. After he decided what he wanted, he needed to show me his plans in how he was going to prevent this from happening ever again.You need real tangible changes, otherwise it will be so easy to slip again. This included, giving away all his porn, identifying triggers and avoiding them eg pics of near naked women. Without a plan,you have nothing
4. He is willing to do whatever it takes, to be with me and to make my dreams come true. I am through, with taking a back seat to him. (Not that he ever asked me to, but I did it to make our marriage work). Its my time now and he has committed enthuisiastically to support my dreams and plans.Its a new era in our marriage, because I am different and if he wants to stick around then he better buckle up.

Lie to me baby...

I caught my husband starting an affair with his work colleague. His first reaction was that I was crazy - that they were just friends. It made me sick to the pit of my stomach,that he could lie so blatantly to my face. And oh man, did the arguments begin. He then apologised, with what seemed like appropriate remorse and when I asked him if there is anything else I should know, he said no...but I  had seen something during my research on infidelity about taking lie detector tests. I had dismissed it, because I didn't think it would be necessary...

I started praying about what I should do. Confused and hurt, I turned to God  to help me see what I needed to see. And something is my spirit just brought it up - ask him...if his happy to do it, you know there isn't problem. If his less than excited, you know that his hiding things from you. I hoped that he would happy - but he wasn't and thats when the lie detector test became my best friend.

Trickle truth was killing me and my husband couldn't see it. The lie detector test and the threat of it, helped to bring every nasty ass thing he has ever done to light. It wasn't an easy experience, but it burned our fake marriage to ground so that we could rebuild on a solid foundation. Here the questions I asked, and so should you:

1. Are you currently having an affair (physical or emotional) with someone?  - because that needs to end NOW!
2. Have you ever had sex or physical intimacy during our relationship - regardless of whether if online or in person?
3. Did you use protection? If not, did you go for an STD, HIV/AIDS test?  - even if he says he used protection, get tested. Some STDS can be transmitted by just the rubbing of skin on skin
4. Are you hiding or deleting files off your laptop, that would incriminate you?
5. Are you deleting your history?
6. Are you using the "private session" function? ( I HATE THAT THIS EXISTS)

All the answers to these questions, will lead to more questions. What I learned the hard way, is unless you ask them (porn addicts) a very specific question, they will try to evade. So this is no time, for dancing around issues.

Beware though, that lie detector tests can't gage emotions, just actual tangible events. So questions like, "do you love me"? or " are you committed to this relationship" can not be gaged. However, he doesn't know that, so feel free to ask him these questions anyway,stating its part of the list of questions that you handing over to the guy who is conducting the test. You might be surprised, by what crawls out of the woodwork.

The lie detector test was one of the best things that I could have ever done and I thank God for showing me what to do. If he had gone on lying, with new "discoveries" everyday - our marriage would be over by now. Instead, in fell swoop everything was razed to the ground and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

If you are cheating on your partner and are reading this - one of the worse things you could do is be a coward and lie (and yes withholding information is lying). Answer questions accurately and with sensitivity. My husband would not have been able to come to terms with his addiction until, everything was brought to light. Its a lie from the devil, that noone will love you, if they knew the truth. Yes, life might get hard for a little bit - but don't wait to be discovered. Find your courage and fight for your right to a healthy loving relationship.