What if it doesn't make you stronger?

When my son was about 3 months old, he got very very ill. He was struggling to breathe and his tempreture would not cool down, regardless of what we did.We rushed to the emergency unit, only to be told that they don't deal with infants - we had to take him to a hospital about 10 minutes away.

I wrapped my baby up and bundled him close to my chest and rocked him as I checked to see if he was still breathing...

We got there at 1:30am and the childrens ward was dark, but the nurses were friendly. They took him out of my arms, while my husband sorted out our medical aid at the front desk. Without it, they wouldn't take us in...they spent the next hour giving him medication and placed a mask on his face to help him breathe. My little boy cried and cried and I sat there next to his hospital crib and tried to be strong for us all...he finally fell asleep and I was faced with The Chair.

Old and made of hard pleather, the nurse said that I could sit there as I watched over my son. The first night, I didn't sleep. Covered with a scratchy blanket, my eyes trained on him- every sound and movement elliciting immediate action from me - I kept on thinking if I looked away that he would die. The 2nd night, my bones ached and emotionally I was drained to my core. A pervasive sadness spread through me, from my toes to my eyes. My son is sick and I can't help him. I sat and sat in that damn chair, to scared to even go to the bathroom. I was tired and alone and in despair in the dim light of the hospital ward.

And thats how I feel now. After the adrenaline of his polygraph last week and choosing to believe him, my heart has returned to its familiar rythym. The fight or flight response is no longer needed and I am weary to my core. I am alone in that chair again, praying for help. I am sick and tired of my questions and doubts. It weighs on me and I fear that I may never be, who I once was. Confident, assured and happy.

The other day, we lay entwined under blankets and he smiled at me - eyes shining and soft. My husband...my traitor. For a moment I forgot all that he had done and all that I have vowed to do...here was the man I first met. A far cry from the man, who would huddle so close to the edge of the bed at night he nearly fell off or got up in the middle of night to watch porn. I relaxed my aching shoulders, willing myself to just relax in the moment - of course all that happended was prickling of tear at the corner of my eye.

I feel stuck in that chair and I don't know how to get out.

I wish healing happened in a straight line...this back and forth is just another unwelcome intrusion in the life I thought I had... what if this doesn't make me stronger? What if it just breaks me?...

Surprise! I booked a lie detector test...

My husband has surprised me, by booking his own lie detector test on Saturday.

In the beginning of this year, I made no bones about my expectations that I would require a lie detector test. However, I wasn't going to drive myself crazy and I told him that I would leave it up to him. So if he doesn't want to, thats okay...but just as he has his choices, I have mine.

My family would be shocked to know that I have asked for a second polygraph - but they wouldn't understand. My husband, who I have shared a bed with for the past four years has learnt how to lie. 

He has lied and lied and lied. I was completely blind-sided by his ability to weave story upon story-who knew my IT geek of a husband could be so creative. Oh how he cried and cried while fabricating some bullshit, for me to buy into. He led me down a fictitous path, laying down a false trail of trickle truth. Often I would be journeying with him, only to find that something didn't sound right and down the next rabbit hole we would go as he changed course. He lied to save himself and then he lied to save "us" and all it did, was break down our relationship further...

The original lie detector test, brought him to his knees and stopped all of that. In the habit of lying, he tried to be "honest" after realising how serious I was - only to lay down another lie and than when I stated we were going ahead - wow, did the shit hit the fan.  I have no doubt, my husband would have continued lying to me if he could. I believe we would have been divorced today, if he been provided the space to continue doing so. The lie detector test, was a watershed event.

Maybe my dad should have done this too!

He failed his first test, not wanting to tell the guy that he had been with a prostitute (which is illegal over here). So his test came back negative. I was hurt, but I made the call to give him a year. Even if he hasn't been completely honest about everything he has done - for me I realised the point was, whether he would be able to stop. So I swallowed the little bit of pride I had left. Told him I understood, deciding that I wouldn't tell him this, but I was prepared to give him a year.A year to show me whether he has the ability to either a) stop trying to screw everything that moves b) whether he would be able to tell me the truth, if he slipped up.

At the beginning of this year, I told that I would like him to take a lie detector test. He was surprised, but agreed. I told him that I didn't want anything to do with it, he needs to organise it. And then I waited to see what he would do. Would he try to convince me that it wasn't needed (like the last time) or would a spring of new deceptions spill out.

I waited and nothing happened. I had that conversation in January and it is now May. I decided that if by July, nothing was forthcoming I would leave, because I am not spending my 30th birthday in a marriage with a tramp. Last night, he told me he wanted to surprise me and thats why he hasn't spoken about it - he wanted to pay for it himself, and now that he has the money, he has booked a polygraph for saturday.

He has asked me what questions I want to give the guy, but all I have is one " Have you been faithful to me since April 2011". My entire future depends on the answer to this one question. If he fails again, I will not be so understanding as I was the last time. I have decided whatever filthy secrets he has kept, he can keep - I am ready to move on...if he passes.

He will be paying R1000 for the polygraph...seems like a lot for just one question, but what is R1000 when compared to the value of what we could have...

Wish me luck...

Xena!

Yeah, I don't think so pal...

Everyone betrays you in the end.Everyone.

Valentines day came and went. He cooked a really great romantic 3 course Italian meal - not a single word of love was said and quite frankly I was relieved. I didn't have to tell him to jump off a cliff and I didn't have to pretend that I was okay. The day simply existed and it was brutally honest in its reflection of our dysfunction. I didn't put any effort into the day, except not to tell him to shove it - which was quite a lot of work actually. I was determined just to get through it...and then it was our 4 year anniversary. I had told him at Christmas, that I never want to celebrate our wedding ever again. As far as I am concerned, we should never have gotten married in the first place. He remembered and not a word was said and in no way was the day ackowledged. It was weird when family would remind us and say congratulations and I had to smile and say thank you. But at least thats the only pretending that had to be done.

If anything, I have realised that I am not ready to hear my husband say he loves me. I am not ready for him to re-propose or whatever the heck else he wants to do to show his committment. With thought of divorce constantly surfacing, I am a married woman not ready to commit.

Today, I asked him to take another lie detector test. The last time I did this, he started challenging why I wanted one done, only to then find out the rest of his sordid history. I wonder what will come out now? Has he managed to stay faithful for the last year? Did he continue relationships, that he said he had broken off. Will it confirm his committment to being sober and being faithful? If the test has a good result, I may be able to at least consider staying longer with him - but if its not. I actually don't know what I will do. Do I look the other way, for the sake of my son and just believe that whatever mistakes he had made, its all over now. Do I leave the man I love?

It will be interesting to see his response over the next couple of days - will he challenge me again? Will he be honest and tell me that he had continued being unfaithful even post discovery? Will it affirm his love? I don't know, but one thing is for sure. This year my life will change and it will change for the better.

Just do it - cheat already

His wearing a shirt today...


In the middle of this week, when he was super busy and meeting people he wore a dirty t-shirt to work because he see why wearing a clean shirt was better and today is traditionally a very slow day, where he literally just sits in his office and plays games...and today his wearing a nice shirt. I wonder who his trying to impress.


I watch him with his laptop, to see if he quickly clicks out of things whenever I am close...


At night, I sometimes watch him while his sleeping to see if he will give anything away. I wonder if his cheating on me again and it makes me sad that this is what my marriage has come to.


They say it takes 3-4 years to truly get over betrayal, but I don't know if I can hang on for that long. The waiting to see if I can catch him out again, the misery when I realise I will never really know for sure. I am so tired of not knowing, not trusting...I miss the warmth of security.

I have constant dreams, where I catch him cheating again. Mostly his having dinner with a female co-worker after he told me he needs to work late.In my dreams I feel sad, but also surprisingly a strong sense of relief. I guess its because if he cheats, the waiting will be over. I can move on with my life and leave him behind knowing that I did the best I could for our son. There will be no more waiting to see if he lets me down again. There will be no more second guessing when he looks nice for work.I won't have the compulsive need to check where his phone is every time he goes to the bathroom in case his texting someone else. It will just be me and I think I could be really am happy with that.


I have deliberately chosen not to remind him that we have agreed that he will be taking a lie detector test. He will assume that I am beginning to trust him again. I have decided to give him enough rope to hang himself. So I will try to not use his laptop any more and I will stop asking him how his "temptations" are going. We are supposed to have relationship Thursdays where we talk about our relationship - but I won't bring it up any more. The sooner he cheats on me, the sooner I can get on with my life instead of wasting more time on someone who loves me, but apparently doesn't love me enough to stop sleeping around.


If I had money I would pay a woman to strike a relationship with him and tempt him. I really would and if she cracks him within a month- there would even be a bonus...mmmmm I need a hug :-(

Sick...reeeaally

Sick huh?

Mmmmm, my first day back at work and my husband has decided that today he is sick and needs to stay home...

Of course the first thought that went through my mind, was whether his actually staying home to either have;

a) Online sex with someone

b) Actual sex with someone

c)  Sex with himself

Before I caught him, I would have been soooo sorry for him. Poor baby! But when I think about the time he actually went to meet someone he met online - I wonder if he told me if he was "sick" then to and had to stay home...or maybe he just pretended to go to work.

I am sad that my first thoughts are now whether or not his actually screwing around. I am sadder still that I then immediately think, that is doesn't matter - with the next lie detector test I'll catch him out.  But you can bet your ass on this -if he has been creeping around, there is not enough meds in the world that will save him from what I got in store!

Love is a four letter word

He lies...

I desperately want to believe him, but how can I - when I know he lies. He has looked me straight in the eyes and lied. He has kissed me and lied. Held me and lied. He...lies.

I always thought I was the creative one in the family, but man I don't hold a candle to him. His dedication to the role of faithful husband and loyal lover was outstanding...I never would have guessed he was anything other but that. And why should I have? I believed the lie.

I miss my friend...

Lie to me baby...

I caught my husband starting an affair with his work colleague. His first reaction was that I was crazy - that they were just friends. It made me sick to the pit of my stomach,that he could lie so blatantly to my face. And oh man, did the arguments begin. He then apologised, with what seemed like appropriate remorse and when I asked him if there is anything else I should know, he said no...but I  had seen something during my research on infidelity about taking lie detector tests. I had dismissed it, because I didn't think it would be necessary...

I started praying about what I should do. Confused and hurt, I turned to God  to help me see what I needed to see. And something is my spirit just brought it up - ask him...if his happy to do it, you know there isn't problem. If his less than excited, you know that his hiding things from you. I hoped that he would happy - but he wasn't and thats when the lie detector test became my best friend.

Trickle truth was killing me and my husband couldn't see it. The lie detector test and the threat of it, helped to bring every nasty ass thing he has ever done to light. It wasn't an easy experience, but it burned our fake marriage to ground so that we could rebuild on a solid foundation. Here the questions I asked, and so should you:

1. Are you currently having an affair (physical or emotional) with someone?  - because that needs to end NOW!
2. Have you ever had sex or physical intimacy during our relationship - regardless of whether if online or in person?
3. Did you use protection? If not, did you go for an STD, HIV/AIDS test?  - even if he says he used protection, get tested. Some STDS can be transmitted by just the rubbing of skin on skin
4. Are you hiding or deleting files off your laptop, that would incriminate you?
5. Are you deleting your history?
6. Are you using the "private session" function? ( I HATE THAT THIS EXISTS)

All the answers to these questions, will lead to more questions. What I learned the hard way, is unless you ask them (porn addicts) a very specific question, they will try to evade. So this is no time, for dancing around issues.

Beware though, that lie detector tests can't gage emotions, just actual tangible events. So questions like, "do you love me"? or " are you committed to this relationship" can not be gaged. However, he doesn't know that, so feel free to ask him these questions anyway,stating its part of the list of questions that you handing over to the guy who is conducting the test. You might be surprised, by what crawls out of the woodwork.

The lie detector test was one of the best things that I could have ever done and I thank God for showing me what to do. If he had gone on lying, with new "discoveries" everyday - our marriage would be over by now. Instead, in fell swoop everything was razed to the ground and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

If you are cheating on your partner and are reading this - one of the worse things you could do is be a coward and lie (and yes withholding information is lying). Answer questions accurately and with sensitivity. My husband would not have been able to come to terms with his addiction until, everything was brought to light. Its a lie from the devil, that noone will love you, if they knew the truth. Yes, life might get hard for a little bit - but don't wait to be discovered. Find your courage and fight for your right to a healthy loving relationship.