Surprise! I booked a lie detector test...

My husband has surprised me, by booking his own lie detector test on Saturday.

In the beginning of this year, I made no bones about my expectations that I would require a lie detector test. However, I wasn't going to drive myself crazy and I told him that I would leave it up to him. So if he doesn't want to, thats okay...but just as he has his choices, I have mine.

My family would be shocked to know that I have asked for a second polygraph - but they wouldn't understand. My husband, who I have shared a bed with for the past four years has learnt how to lie. 

He has lied and lied and lied. I was completely blind-sided by his ability to weave story upon story-who knew my IT geek of a husband could be so creative. Oh how he cried and cried while fabricating some bullshit, for me to buy into. He led me down a fictitous path, laying down a false trail of trickle truth. Often I would be journeying with him, only to find that something didn't sound right and down the next rabbit hole we would go as he changed course. He lied to save himself and then he lied to save "us" and all it did, was break down our relationship further...

The original lie detector test, brought him to his knees and stopped all of that. In the habit of lying, he tried to be "honest" after realising how serious I was - only to lay down another lie and than when I stated we were going ahead - wow, did the shit hit the fan.  I have no doubt, my husband would have continued lying to me if he could. I believe we would have been divorced today, if he been provided the space to continue doing so. The lie detector test, was a watershed event.

Maybe my dad should have done this too!

He failed his first test, not wanting to tell the guy that he had been with a prostitute (which is illegal over here). So his test came back negative. I was hurt, but I made the call to give him a year. Even if he hasn't been completely honest about everything he has done - for me I realised the point was, whether he would be able to stop. So I swallowed the little bit of pride I had left. Told him I understood, deciding that I wouldn't tell him this, but I was prepared to give him a year.A year to show me whether he has the ability to either a) stop trying to screw everything that moves b) whether he would be able to tell me the truth, if he slipped up.

At the beginning of this year, I told that I would like him to take a lie detector test. He was surprised, but agreed. I told him that I didn't want anything to do with it, he needs to organise it. And then I waited to see what he would do. Would he try to convince me that it wasn't needed (like the last time) or would a spring of new deceptions spill out.

I waited and nothing happened. I had that conversation in January and it is now May. I decided that if by July, nothing was forthcoming I would leave, because I am not spending my 30th birthday in a marriage with a tramp. Last night, he told me he wanted to surprise me and thats why he hasn't spoken about it - he wanted to pay for it himself, and now that he has the money, he has booked a polygraph for saturday.

He has asked me what questions I want to give the guy, but all I have is one " Have you been faithful to me since April 2011". My entire future depends on the answer to this one question. If he fails again, I will not be so understanding as I was the last time. I have decided whatever filthy secrets he has kept, he can keep - I am ready to move on...if he passes.

He will be paying R1000 for the polygraph...seems like a lot for just one question, but what is R1000 when compared to the value of what we could have...

Wish me luck...

Xena!

Yeah, I don't think so pal...

Everyone betrays you in the end.Everyone.

Valentines day came and went. He cooked a really great romantic 3 course Italian meal - not a single word of love was said and quite frankly I was relieved. I didn't have to tell him to jump off a cliff and I didn't have to pretend that I was okay. The day simply existed and it was brutally honest in its reflection of our dysfunction. I didn't put any effort into the day, except not to tell him to shove it - which was quite a lot of work actually. I was determined just to get through it...and then it was our 4 year anniversary. I had told him at Christmas, that I never want to celebrate our wedding ever again. As far as I am concerned, we should never have gotten married in the first place. He remembered and not a word was said and in no way was the day ackowledged. It was weird when family would remind us and say congratulations and I had to smile and say thank you. But at least thats the only pretending that had to be done.

If anything, I have realised that I am not ready to hear my husband say he loves me. I am not ready for him to re-propose or whatever the heck else he wants to do to show his committment. With thought of divorce constantly surfacing, I am a married woman not ready to commit.

Today, I asked him to take another lie detector test. The last time I did this, he started challenging why I wanted one done, only to then find out the rest of his sordid history. I wonder what will come out now? Has he managed to stay faithful for the last year? Did he continue relationships, that he said he had broken off. Will it confirm his committment to being sober and being faithful? If the test has a good result, I may be able to at least consider staying longer with him - but if its not. I actually don't know what I will do. Do I look the other way, for the sake of my son and just believe that whatever mistakes he had made, its all over now. Do I leave the man I love?

It will be interesting to see his response over the next couple of days - will he challenge me again? Will he be honest and tell me that he had continued being unfaithful even post discovery? Will it affirm his love? I don't know, but one thing is for sure. This year my life will change and it will change for the better.

My mom and porn

A while back, my husband mentioned to me that his dad had asked if he has any porn to lend him. I was sooo disgusted. How can a parent ask a child if they have porn? What's wrong with the man?

I was so blind to my own behaviour that I only just realised, that that's exactly what I have been doing with my mom. We have been swapping Mills and Boon and thick "romantic" books for years. I gave my grandmother over 400 books at the beginning of this year before my marriage fell apart. I didn't want her to get bored...

 In the most bluntest terms, I have been feeding my families lust. Now I used to argue that it wasn't about the sex, it was all about the love story, but that's a load of shit. It was all about the sex and even though I did sometimes feel a prick of embarrassment when I gave my mom some of my more x-rated stuff, it never lasted very long.What was wrong with me?

My mother taught me many things. She once told me, not to act "sexy" when taking public transport because you simply don't know what kind of men are out there. She taught me "never to throw pearls before swine" meaning, that you shouldn't share important personal things with just anybody. She has shown me, that if anybody messes with me - she will be the first in line to kick their asses...and she taught me that Mills and Boon books are acceptable by swopping them with me. A far cry from the woman who once threw away my books. What changed for her? Did time and being bored in her own marriage finally wear her down?

I don't blame my mom for the choices I have made. I am just saying that I wish things could have been different. I wish that she could have blazed a path for me, but she allowed unhealthy lust to seem okay. I wish that she could have told me, that reading these kinds of books would take my eyes off my husband and focus them instead on strange men. I wish she could have told me that my sex life would go down the toilet, because no human man can match the cocaine like high from reading porn and I would just be bringing trouble into my own marriage. If I had kept on this path, I am sure I would have cheated on my husband. In our most honest conversations we have both admitted to thinking about other people during sex - it was only a matter of time before it became a reality. 

I will ensure that my children learn from my mistakes. Maybe they won't listen to "crazy" mom, but the cost of this experience is so high that it would be foolish not to share it. 

I wish I could share this with my mom too, but she isn't ready for this level of honesty and introspection. Right now she seems happy to function in her dysfunction and until someone is ready to let that go, everything falls on deaf ears. I am sad that I have allowed lust to rob me of so much. I am sadder still that my mom has been tangled alongside me in this web of lust. My prayer is for her to see the light and for her marriage to be healed. I trust that God will use what has happened and will beam a light into the darkness.


And mom, I will be here whenever you're ready. I love you...

Dear asshole

There have been some terrible moments over the last couple of months,  that are so painful I can't even bear to say it out loud...

4.Listening to you, while you were having dream sex with someone else. 

3.Last valentines day, I had to work in a different city. I made such an     idiot out of myself dedicating songs to you over facebook, telling everyone who cared to listen how amazing you were. You called me, to say you loved me to. Realising now that when you put the phone down - you had online sex with someone else.

2.Finally embracing the fact that my husband will cheat, manipulate and lie with no remorse.

But you know what the worst was?

1.Lying alone in my hospital bed,tubes sticking of me- unable to move and softly weeping in the dark - wondering whether you were with your mistress. I had never felt so

ALONE 

and so  

 UNLOVED. 

I will never tell you this, because 

I have my pride.

The plastic surgery question

Am I pretty enough to keep my husband?

It stings a little (okay, a heck of a lot) that all the women he cheated on me with, was thinner and younger than me. I would say that they looked like me (body wise) when I first met my husband. Toned, athletic and body beautiful. Now 8 years and 1 child later, I am big. When I met hubby I weighed 65 kgs in 2004, but the time I got married 2008 I weighed 104. My heaviest was 117.5 kgs in 2009.

Oh, I would make weak attempts at exercising, depending on those around me - to motivate me. But when I reached nearly a 120kgs, I had enough. I know everyone says it, but I just didn't fully realise how big I was getting until I was HUGE. I then started exercising religiously. Nothing hectic, but I tried to walk at least 3 times a week and the weight started dropping off. I changed my eating habits and I saw even more of a difference. I was on my way! Feeling better about myself, then I had in ages - I thought surely my husband must be happier with me now (not that he ever said that I should lose weight). By the time I fell pregnant in October 2010, I was weighing 104kgs. I had so nearly touched my goal of weighing under 100kgs, that my more vainer moments contained resentment that I fell pregnant instead of reaching my goal. I started picking up weight in the pregnancy and every kg was a little death to me. How much bigger am I going to get? When I eventually gave birth to my son, I weighed in at 122kgs. Now 3 months after his birth, I have dropped back down to 106kgs.

I FEEL UGLY.

I resent my husband for not caring that I tried SO HARD to lose weight. I did it, so that he could be proud to be with me...to be aroused by me again. When I have my bad weight days (like today), I feel like going onto those websites where men are looking for bigger women. They find my shape beautiful - I don't need to feel like they have "settled" for me. They would love me. They would adore me.

Seriously... I am like a third of her size. I wonder if this guy is single now...

 My hubby and I have started a no secrets policy, so instead of letting this desire grow - I have confessed it to my husband. His always quick to say that the porn he watched also had big women in it. He doesn't get it...whats a fucking knife in the back was that the women he actually had physical contact with (not online or video) where all thinner than me. When he had the choice, he didn't go after a big girl...he didn't go after someone like me. And can I blame him? No. In my dreams, the guy was never pudgy. He was muscled and strong - why should his dream girl be any different? So no matter what he says, I don't believe he finds me attractive and now I am considering plastic surgery.

Yes, I want to be beautiful for him - but more importantly I am tired of settling for how I look. When I look in the mirror, I want to love what I see. I am tired of wearing control top panties with dresses. I don't want to wear t-shirts and tops that are long enough to reach mid thigh so that it can cover my hanging tummy. I want to feel irrestible and I think that getting a tummy tuck could speed along the process.

He gets all freaked out by it, any time I mention it. He thinks that I shouldn't mess with my body. But what the hell does he know. His not the one, who has met and seen the other women and have walked away feeling old, frumpy and discarded like yesterdays trash. He hasn't had to stand there and feel the burn of humiliation when its clear who the prettier girl is. I just want someone to love me...is that so hard?

Father forgive me, I have sinned...

Did I not see his addiction, because I was an addict too?

This is my confession....

When I was 11 years old, I found a Mills and Boon book in my grandmothers house. It was nothing as risque, as you get in todays books. Back  then the sighting of a heaving bosom was as scintillating as it got. I fell in love immediately. I read that book over and over again, until it literally fell apart.

The rush of feelings that swept my body felt incredible. By then I had noticed boys and I had, had a couple of crushes - but this "feeling" was on a whole new level. I was experiencing lust for the first time and it felt good. My mom caught me reading this book and threw the book away. I took it out of the trash, locked myself in the bathroom and read it again. I wish I could I tell you that this was the end, but it was just the beginning.

I started looking for more and when the local library ran out of books, I searched for bookshops that had the kind of books I was looking for. No longer was the sighting of a "globe" exciting, I needed more...a lot more. The more graphic the better. I was readying about 6 or 7 books a week. I was about 14/15 years old. I used my lunch and travel money to buy books. Choosing to walk home and go hungry, so I could get my fix. And when I didn't have money...I stole. I wanted the books...I NEEDED them. It felt great to "get away with it" and then I started stealing books, even though I had the money. The high from getting away with it and enjoying my treasure was so intoxicating. I did it as often as I could...but then my conscience would attack and I would stop stealing completely or I would buy some and take some, telling myself that I am repeat customer, so they are still making money...

Of course I masturbated, as the feelings coursing through my body was highly addictive and no man could match that feeling. So much so, that I wonder if I have forever reprogrammed by body, only to highly aroused by these books instead of with the man that I love. Today, I don't orgasm...ever. Sex is a great and wonderful experience, but its a different feeling to one I have when reading. My husband thinks I don't understand the feeling and compulsive needs around masturbation and watching porn, but I understand only to clearly. I have felt so disgusted with myself. The need to read and masturbate was compulsive...

It went on this way for years and then I stumbled across online sex. And WOW!! What a rush. Its incredible. I could write my own Mills and Boon scenes with a willing,anonymous partner. The dirtier, the better. By then I had met my husband and I loved him. I figured though, that since I am not actually doing anything physical, it wasn't being unfaithful. But then I started getting irritated with him, more than I should. I was beginning to lose that loving feeling. The more online sex I had, the less I "loved" my boyfriend. One day I sat at my desk ( I was having online sex at work, using work resources...oh man, just writing that made me so sad) and I realised, that I had to choose between my online lover and my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend...it took a while for my system to calm down, but after about two weeks I started feeling like my old self again.I remember that there were days when I felt weak and I would go these online websites and just kinda cruise around...I realised that if I didn't stop cold turkey I would just go back, so every day I committed to not going back to these sites. 

It was getting to scary. I chose to leave my job and work someplace else. A week before my final day, my boss called me into the office and asked me if I let other people use my computer. My sixth sense told me to lie and I said yes, all the time. And then he said, "oh because we got a report that someone is accessing porn from your computer" - I of course acted appropriately disgusted...I remember feeling relieved and grateful that I was leaving this job in a couple of days...I never made that mistake again at the workplace, but seriously what the hell was wrong with me...

I continued reading as much Mills and Boon and other hardcore material I could get my hands on. I flirted with friends - I always thought, that it was no big deal, but given the right kind of environment what would have I done? I had a close call one day, when this guy which invited me to his place. I was tempted for like a second and then I thought to myself WTF and stopped it right there. Its only beens Gods grace, that unlike my husband I haven't actually gone out and made a play for some guy.

When my boyfriend proposed, we moved in together. Our sex life dewindled. He was watching tons of porn and would prefer to touch himself and I was reading Mills and Boon books and thick 'romantic" novels. I put down our lack of sex to just being a phase in the relationship at the time. I never saw the danger surrounding us.

That year my husband started picking up girls on trains and I had a weird expierience. One day, hubby gets up and goes to work. I remember lying in bed and it felt as if someone was straightening out and parting my legs. In half a daze, I thought I was sleeping - but I remember distinctly feeling "awake" but unable to move. I remember feeling like I was about to sex, but noone was there. The feeling called to me and tempted me to just relax and enjoy it. But my sixth sense kicked in and I realised, that something weird was happening and I started to struggle against the feeling and get out of bed. It was so hard! I got so scared. The more I struggled, the more it felt like something was working its way up my body. I started to pray and "it" released me. I stumbled out of bed, shaken and relieved - and yet I perversely missed that sexual feeling. During my darker periods of despair, when I wonder if my husband is telling the truth regarding whether his porn addiction. I remember this thing that happened and I remind myself that  clearly we have issues with lust and I do believe that what I was expieriencing was demonic. Lust pervaded our home and was pulling us further into the darkness and we never saw it coming...

For a while I didn't read Mills and Boons books, but inevitably I started a short while later. Intimacy was nowhere to be found in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once every couple of weeks. We loved each other, but we were not IN love. This is how we carried on for years. Then one day I found out I was pregnant and I asked God, to help us be the best parents we could be for our son. Soon after I discovered my husband having an affair and everything unravelled.

My husband made life altering decisions in the face of his porn addiction, I chose to stand with him. As a family we do not watch nor read porn. We are careful about the kinds of movies we see.We do not masturbate. We have chosen to only share sexual contact with each other and our sex life has never been better.

Some days its hard for me. The impulse to masturbate is strong, but I have taught myself to focus on something else. And when this doesn't work, I simply have to fight through the feeling. Lately I have had "flashbacks" of my favourite Mills and Boon scenes. It just pops up in my mind at unexpected times. I haven't read a book in months...7 months to be exact. As soon as it pops up, I start thinking of something else. But that feeling to enjoy it...noone will know, is so tantalising. 

And this is how I realised that my husband does not stand alone in the porn addict stakes. Yes, I didn't go as far as he did, but I have dishonoured him and God nonetheless.

So as a family, with God firmly leading us forth. We are forging a new path, for a better healthier kind of life. I have realised, that without God my family and I will fall apart. I am sorry, that wondered away from Him so far, but today right here, right now I confess with heart that I have sinned and I am so sorry.

God has heard my cry and He has saved me....

Love is a four letter word

He lies...

I desperately want to believe him, but how can I - when I know he lies. He has looked me straight in the eyes and lied. He has kissed me and lied. Held me and lied. He...lies.

I always thought I was the creative one in the family, but man I don't hold a candle to him. His dedication to the role of faithful husband and loyal lover was outstanding...I never would have guessed he was anything other but that. And why should I have? I believed the lie.

I miss my friend...