Tragically overweight and unfit

My husband met me at my best weight. I was doing serious dancing for about 4 days a week - I was a hip hop dance squad captain. I was looking AWESOME!

But I stopped dancing when I started doing my honours year and was working full time, at the same time. It was just to much for me. And that was the beginning of my yo-yo dieting. He never said anything and for a while there I thought it was okay. That he loved me anyway. About 2 years ago, I read a christian book from a couple and the wife took time out to say it like it is...weight is an issue for men. I started exercising at that point, feeling guilty that I wasn't trying my best to look my best for him. And then of course, I found out his assholeness...which just made me feel worse about myself. For a while I wasn't eating much, determined to starve myself to make a point, which of course didn't last long. Oh I have attemtped to take control of my eating habits along the way, but I was either "sick" or "tired"...excuses...

This weekend, I played with my beautiful son and my knees were weak and my legs struggled with his weight. My breathing, fast and shallow- I could only play for maybe 15 minutes. I am so tragically unfit. I look at my mother and she could easily turn into one of those women that you need to hire a crane to get out of their own homes. I don't want to turn out like that. So Spring is nearly upon us, and its time to try again. Its time to try, so I can play with my son, but also protect him if I had to, I want to try, because I have never felt so beautiful and confident as I did, then when I felt healthy and in control...and although some women would say that it doesn't matter and I would agree it shouldn't, but I need to lose weight for my husband. Its not fair that that I am three times the woman I used to be when he met me. I will never have skinny hip bones again, but right now the massive tummy could do with a change.

I don't know why its so hard for me. I know its wrong, but I continue to stuff myself with food, long after I feel full. Its not okay and I want to feel better about myself.

I have been afraid to weigh myself again. I think I weigh almost as much as I did, when I was full term pregnant. So I will start today. Nothing hectic. Keyword will be sustainable. I will not go out and buys tons of chips, chocolate and the like. I will have my lunch and it will be enough. If it doesn't rain, I will venture outside for a quick walk, just to get some form of exercise going...tomorrow I will face what I have done to myself and weigh myself to assess the damage. Come summer, I will be a better, healthier me!

Supersize

I have picked up weight. Two months ago I got super sick. I think my body finally caved in, from the stress of my husbands infidelity, being made redundant and my sister telling me that her husband hits her. I have had a shit year.

So there I was struggling to even breathe. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Sick and tired of me and my life, feeling guilty that I used to weep in front of my baby, when daddy wasn't around. It all got to much. So ja, my body took matters into its own hands and shut down. I was sick, so I stopped exercising to my body a chance to regroup, but days turned weeks and weeks have turned into months and I started eating everything in sight... and I have picked up 4kgs.

I haven't weighed myself in a while, afraid that the heaviness I feel is real. But this morning, was the day and yep, 4 kgs heavier. I am disspointed in myself that I haven't tried harder, but today I will start again.

I want to feel and look good. I am tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I am tired of sitting next to my skinny friends and trying to hide behind them in photographs. Soooo, next step- discovering healthy winter meals.

Thursday is his first staff party...mmmm by now I would be bouncing off the walls. Surprisingly after the first onslought of stressdom, I am not doing to badly. Maybe I have moved forward after all...

My marriage rocks... NOT

So we started a marriage course last night called My Marriage Rocks. It was really uncomfortable for me, even though I have been the one pushing for us to attend some sort of seminar. Last night the discussion was around myths and marriage - the guy had some interesting stuff to say. He spoke about how we shouldn't encourage the culture of "falling in love" because if you can fall in love, you can fall out of love. Instead he advocated that people, should grow in love together. Slowly and overtime, so that by the time you have been together for 20 yrs - you should love your partner more, than when we first started going out. He spoke about how we compartmentalise our partners into roles i.e. wife, housekeeper, sexual partner, friend etc and over time, we only start relating to our partner on one level -either as just the wife or husband. All other roles are given for other people to fill. So someone else becomes the sexual partner, someone else becomes the best friend. I was honest enough in my own self reflection to acknowledge, that my husband wasn't the only one who did this in our marriage. I did it to- to a lesser degree. We were bored...

He spoke about how what we see growing up, influences how we believe marriage should be. Well my husband had a womanising father and was emotionally unavailable to his mom, and true as bob, my husband is the same. Same could be said for me...my father stayed with my mom even though she has become severly obese, to the extent that she can't walk properly anymore- he stayed. Maybe I thought my husband would be the same...that it wouldn't matter how weight I gained, that he would be faithful and love me. Of course, he denies my weight has anything to do with it- but I was literally double the girl he met. I jiggle in all the wrong places and my double chin is unfortunate to say the least. He tried again last night to tell me that looks don't count - but thats what people say to ugly people. I know looks count and more so to men because they are visual creatures.

And then he gave us an assignment - women need to create a poster for their husbands and say something nice on it and men have to find a rock and write something on it for their wives. I was uncomfortable to say the least. We have didn't celebrate our wedding anniversary, we don't say I love you anymore and now we need to do something good to each other. I was tempted to tell my husband that I am not going back, that I am not ready for this - but I honestly don't know if I will ever be ready. So I will trust the process and see what happens, as awkward as it feels.

After the class, we went for coffee and spoke for a little bit about stuff, we haven't spoken about in a while. We spoke about his addiction and how his recovery is going. We spoke about his feelings around me asking for another lie detector test. It was the first time we had connected in a while and it felt...ok.

I don't know what I am going to put on my poster :-( Putting yourself out there is hard...we'll see what happens.

Start weight: 110.6
Current weight 103
Lost: 7.6 kgs

#3 things I can't say out loud

I binge eat. I binge eat all the time. I weigh myself continously and freak out if my weight gain is even a fraction. I can't tell him, because he would start comparing me to his thinner ex's I am sure. Why can't I just stick to what I need to eat?? Nothing tastes as good as being skinny!

Am I whore enough for you now?

I am seething with doubt. I look at my husband and all I want to do is divorce him and maybe go back to dating him. I know its weird, that I would date but not marry - but thats how I feel. I feel like I want the chance to choose.HE chose to marry me under false pretenses. HE lied to me about his faithfulness and committment. HE chose that while I work my ass off for our family, HE would try and sleep with anyone that would have him. HE chose this life...I didn't.

I was taken in by false advertising. I bought the product, but the gaurentee of a lifetime faded before I ever got it out of the box and I would like to return to sender. I feel disempowered and victimized - I placed my hopes and dreams in someone who didn't deserve it and now...now I am meant to forgive and move on. If it wasn't for my son, I would. Having him here complicates my decisions - I would walk away in a heart beat, but what about my sons heart?

So I have decided not to breathe a word about whether hubby is being faithful. Its hard, and surprisingly my focus has shifted to food and a part of me hopes to be anorexic so that he could suffer more guilt. I fantisise about yelling at him " Isn't this what you wanted? For me to look like one of your whores?" I want him to pay for breaking my heart. I want to wound him. Even if its an inch of how I feel, it would be enough pain to last a lifetime. I want him to doubt himself. To turn away from the mirror whenever he catches his reflection. I want him to feel like I do - disgusted with himself, ashamed of how he looks and heartbroken at the thought that maybe his not good enough.

His emails are littered with "honeys" and "mwahs". The closer we get to the picture of how it was before, the more uncomfortable I get. I have seen this scene and it decieved me...fool me once....

I long to put out the light and then put out the light...

My son is my only happiness

Why me?

Weight at start: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 105.9
Lost: 4.7 kgs

Does being fat give him a right to be unfaithful?

Does picking up weight give your partner the right to stray? 


I  met my husband when I was 20 yrs old and a hip hop dancer. I had dropped the weight I had been carrying in high school and weighed in at a cool 65 kgs/143 pounds. I was wearing a bikini and jeans hung off my hips. 9 years later, I am 110.6 kgs. The period during which my husband was unfaithful coincides with my heaviest weight ever - 116/7 kgs. I was virtually twice the girl he met.


 It stings. In my heart I always thought that he should love me and be glad to have me, no matter how much weight I gained. He always told me that he thought I was beautiful and he loved me just the way I was. But we were lying to ourselves I think. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I never caught him staring the way he used to. Over the last 2 years, I would have been hearing odds and ends that slowly changed the way I see things. 


#1: I was watching a Dr Phil show about cheating and he was speaking to this woman and simply said, He doesn't have the right to cheat, but you need to help him out a little. Fix your hair in the mornings, put on some lipstick. His about to walk into an office with fully made up women, looking for his attention. Help him be faithful by doing your best to look good for him. 


#2: I was reading - Dont sweat the small stuff for women (I think ;-(). Right at the end it talks bluntly about weight gain in marriage. The author talks about expectations in marriage. As women, we expect men to continue striving to be successful in their careers, men expect women to continue striving to look good. This is our unspoken agreement. As different genders, we value different things. We value the provider and men value looks. How would we feel as women, if when we dated someone who was doing amazingly well and then once we got married, they decided they didn't feel like working anymore and sat around the house all day? I wouldn't take it kindly...and although I struggled with what I saw as a shallow and unrealistic expectation, I began to wonder if that is how men truly felt? I would leave a man, who went from a working class guy to someone who wilfully doesn't work. It would feel like a betrayal. Do men feel just as strongly about weight gain? It seems so harsh...


I feel bitter about it, but one day perhaps I will just accept this as part of the difference between men and women. So where does this leave me? To be honest, all I want to do is to hookup with someone from one of the websites that love fat women. They would encourage me to pick up even more weight. Wouldn't it be bliss to hear, that I am to skinny?? LOL. But perhaps if everything goes to shit, than I will go back to that option. But for now.. Well pre-d day, I had already started losing weight because I wanted to help my husband out and then I fell pregnant, during which he continued being unfaithful to me (asshole), but my beautiful son is now here and it is the beginning of a new era. I have decided that I am jumping back onto the wagon. I want to be healthier for my son, so I can be active with him. I want to feel and look sexy again, because it makes me feel good (plus if I get divorced, I want to be market ready:-)). I will try to lose the weight, to give my husband something to work with - but seriously when someone is a porn addict, I could be wondering around in a thong and it wouldn't matter. Women more beautiful than I, have been cheated on - but I will try.


I am sad that weight plays such a huge role for men, but perhaps this is just part of letting go of the Mills and Boon dream of happily ever afters and eternal loyalty and commitment. There is no hero coming to sweep me off my feet. The man of my dreams does not exist. I will need to save myself and I intend to look hot doing it. My short term goal is to weigh 90kgs by December 2012. Mini goal is to weigh under 100 kgs by July 2012. Ultimate goal - weigh 80kgs by December 2013.


Weight at start: 110.6   
Current weight: 109.4
Loss: 1.2 kgs.