Paranoi my good friend...

Through the years there has been this consistent messaging from various sectors that we shouldn't allow our feelings to rule over our minds, that we need to push past them and not let it control us.

And I get it - sometimes your feelings can lead you astray. They are transient and often are formed by expieriences that have no bearing in the present... for me this applied directly to my own mini porn addiction. I read so many bodice rippers that I believe it numbed my ability to have a normal sexual relationship with my husband because I expected to have the constant intense feelings that litter that kind of literature...and when those feelings aren't there, you think you're not in love. So yeah, feelings sometimes are not your friend - but what about the role of feelings and intuition when it comes to infidelity and more specifically feelings post discovery.

Should our feelings be considered paranoi or intuition? Are our feelings based on our own version of a post traumatic stress disorder and therefore unreliable at worst or red flags at best?

Yesterday I realised that for me it doesn't matter. I know my husband is untrustworthy and I would be foolish to even consider him as a source of real information, so all I have is me...me and my feelings. My feelings helped me to understand that something was wrong that led me to his discovery. My feelings told me that he was a lying peice of a shit, when on the surface he gave a performance of a lifetime. I believed that God used my feelings to save me - its all I had when I had no evidence to go on. However there is a difference now, previously I believe that God directed to me the key questions that eventually led for all his deceit to surface. I never had a sense that I was alone...but now I do. My feelings aren't accompanied by a soothing and calming next step. I feel alone with my feelings and makes me wonder if I am in fact going crazy.  But even then...isn't that enough to leave?

How can I stay, if I can't even trust myself enough to know when his up to no good? I can't bear being tossed around by my feelings. I would leave just for calmness sake...

My husband seems to think that my staying is hanging on his ability to be honest and for a while I thought so to - but I have since discovered that far more critical than this is not whether I can trust my husband again, its whether I can trust myself.

Truth#3 about infidelity

If you are not having sex with your husband, someone else is.

Either shit or get off the pot...

Forever burned in my memory, is the morning before the beginning of the end. It was cold and rainy outside, my husband and I cuddled under warm blankets. I remember how his arm rested across my pregnant belly...how he kissed me softly. I remember feeling content and that if I could just stay this way forever, I would be happy. It was a moment of pure crystalised happiness - 24 hours later he would call my cellphone and I would dismiss him, because I was to busy to talk to him, 25 hours later he would befriend a work colleague on facebook and a week later, I would be crying and he would be begging to stay - 2 months later he would be living with his dad...a year later, my son is in my arms, my husband is back in our bed and I am forever changed.

This weekend almost felt like it used to be. Rainy and miserable outside, we cuddled under blankets -  with our 9 month old son in between. My husband kissed me softly over our sons head and I thought about the stranger who came on to me, the women my husband betrayed me with...I thought about the man my husband used be and wondered if he could be that man again.

For the last year, I have qualified every and any statement about our future with "if we don't get divorced". Unwilling to committ to anything,beyond the next second or minute. I refused to committ to a future and more recently started using "divorce" as a blackmail weapon. If I was feeling particularly hurt or angry, I would bring up an amazing idea of what our future could hold i.e. more children or travel- I would lay it before him, painting a glorious picture of what our future could be like and then I would slide in the throw comment - "if we don't get divorced, that is"... I silently derived satisfaction from the swift look of sadness in his eyes. I would know that I really hit the mark, when he started cleaning the house (my husband has been trying to prove his worth, by doing everything in our home).

Bitter and mad at my husband, I stood in the pew of our church and tried to connect. There a particular sentence in one of the hymns that caught my eye - "He forgave, so that we can forgive"... I had thought I had forgiven, but had I really, when my jibes came out of a place of revenge instead of authentic sadness and anger? I felt convicted that I have deliberately stoked the flame of his shame for my own enjoyment. There is so much that I should be ashamed of and God has forgiven me - there is much that I wish I could take back, but I can't and in God I have found peace. Who am I, not to withold forgiveness? God has been so good to me...

All at once, I felt sooo tired. Tired of being hurt and tired of hurting. I have held onto my unforgiveness and used it as a shield to protect my broken heart...and to wound his. Standing there, I just knew that it was time...time to either committ or leave. Within my heart I knew what my choice was.

Certainty that accompanied my doubts about him, now accompanied the realisation that I would stay. Yes, I allowed him back home - but I had never allowed him back in my heart. So, I will stay and stop using him as a whipping post for my grief, because I enjoy watching him squirm. I will stop emotionally bullying him and instead I would try to be less defensive and less vicious. I will start calling him "love" again and perhaps I would permit myself to run my fingers through his hair, every now and then.

I told him, that instead of being a step away from getting divorced - we are now perhaps two or three steps away. He looked relieved... We have teetered on the brink for so long, that even having our feet planted on solid ground no matter how close to the edge is a big deal.

So heres' to trying again...

"The glory of this latter house shall be greater than of the former, saith the LORD of hosts: and in this place will I give peace."

Haggai 2 vs9

Yeah, I don't think so pal...

Everyone betrays you in the end.Everyone.

Valentines day came and went. He cooked a really great romantic 3 course Italian meal - not a single word of love was said and quite frankly I was relieved. I didn't have to tell him to jump off a cliff and I didn't have to pretend that I was okay. The day simply existed and it was brutally honest in its reflection of our dysfunction. I didn't put any effort into the day, except not to tell him to shove it - which was quite a lot of work actually. I was determined just to get through it...and then it was our 4 year anniversary. I had told him at Christmas, that I never want to celebrate our wedding ever again. As far as I am concerned, we should never have gotten married in the first place. He remembered and not a word was said and in no way was the day ackowledged. It was weird when family would remind us and say congratulations and I had to smile and say thank you. But at least thats the only pretending that had to be done.

If anything, I have realised that I am not ready to hear my husband say he loves me. I am not ready for him to re-propose or whatever the heck else he wants to do to show his committment. With thought of divorce constantly surfacing, I am a married woman not ready to commit.

Today, I asked him to take another lie detector test. The last time I did this, he started challenging why I wanted one done, only to then find out the rest of his sordid history. I wonder what will come out now? Has he managed to stay faithful for the last year? Did he continue relationships, that he said he had broken off. Will it confirm his committment to being sober and being faithful? If the test has a good result, I may be able to at least consider staying longer with him - but if its not. I actually don't know what I will do. Do I look the other way, for the sake of my son and just believe that whatever mistakes he had made, its all over now. Do I leave the man I love?

It will be interesting to see his response over the next couple of days - will he challenge me again? Will he be honest and tell me that he had continued being unfaithful even post discovery? Will it affirm his love? I don't know, but one thing is for sure. This year my life will change and it will change for the better.

Am I whore enough for you now?

I am seething with doubt. I look at my husband and all I want to do is divorce him and maybe go back to dating him. I know its weird, that I would date but not marry - but thats how I feel. I feel like I want the chance to choose.HE chose to marry me under false pretenses. HE lied to me about his faithfulness and committment. HE chose that while I work my ass off for our family, HE would try and sleep with anyone that would have him. HE chose this life...I didn't.

I was taken in by false advertising. I bought the product, but the gaurentee of a lifetime faded before I ever got it out of the box and I would like to return to sender. I feel disempowered and victimized - I placed my hopes and dreams in someone who didn't deserve it and now...now I am meant to forgive and move on. If it wasn't for my son, I would. Having him here complicates my decisions - I would walk away in a heart beat, but what about my sons heart?

So I have decided not to breathe a word about whether hubby is being faithful. Its hard, and surprisingly my focus has shifted to food and a part of me hopes to be anorexic so that he could suffer more guilt. I fantisise about yelling at him " Isn't this what you wanted? For me to look like one of your whores?" I want him to pay for breaking my heart. I want to wound him. Even if its an inch of how I feel, it would be enough pain to last a lifetime. I want him to doubt himself. To turn away from the mirror whenever he catches his reflection. I want him to feel like I do - disgusted with himself, ashamed of how he looks and heartbroken at the thought that maybe his not good enough.

His emails are littered with "honeys" and "mwahs". The closer we get to the picture of how it was before, the more uncomfortable I get. I have seen this scene and it decieved me...fool me once....

I long to put out the light and then put out the light...

My son is my only happiness

Why me?

Weight at start: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 105.9
Lost: 4.7 kgs

How to catch a cheat

Exasperated, my husband said he doesn't know how to show me his being faithful. This after once again, I compulsively asked him questions about what has gone on before. All I can do, he said, is keep on doing what I am doing and hopefully one day you will see that I'm not cheating anymore.

Well that would be great. Not to look at my husband and think about who has he attempted to screw that day.  And to be honest I have no intention of spending my life with a man, where this is a distinct possibility.  How can I be sure of his faithfulness? My plan is simple. I will give him a false sense of confidence till August, at that point I will be sending him for a lie detector test. There is no way I am spending my 30th birthday with a lying piece of shit.

I started yesterday. It was hard, but I managed. He wanted to go play cricket with some family members and two overseas students (girls) were scheduled to go along. They would be in their early twenties, bubbly and unchanged by life burdens. I didn't make a fuss - I wished him well and sent him off with a smile. When he came back, I didn't ask him any questions related to them. Let him think that I am over it...

And thats my plan. I will be doing my best not to bring up the past, I will not be exploring his laptop or googling his name every other day, to see if it will come up on some random chat group. Checking on him at every opportunity.

I want my life back. I am tired of being consumed by doubt and resentment.  He wants to cheat, I will do the best I can to provide him with an environment in which that is possible. 

I plan on going to see my sister soon. She lives in another city. I would like to go away for maybe 1 or 2 nights. I am beginning to encourage my husband to leave our son, with my mom - because I am sure he will need a bit of a break. He said no, because of two things : with our son at home, he won't cheat and if he gives him to my mom - I won't believe that he didn't cheat. I am working on it though. Maybe I will spin it, that since I am going on a mini break, he should enjoy himself as well and just take some time off.

The bottom line is that if I want to see if he will cheat, I need to provide the opportunities. I can't keep him on a tight leash forever. I refuse to operate in fear for the rest of my life. So ja. I wish my husband good luck- he has his whole family to gain and only his sin to lose.

Starting weight: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 107.1kgs
Loss: 3.5ksg

Your flirting makes me sick

My husband is flirting with me and it makes me mad...

Let me explain. My porn addict of a husband is the quite unassuming type. The video gamer, who gets excited about blu ray movies and graphic novels. The ultimate geek. I thought I knew him. I thought he wasn't interested in other women, either being to shy, to committed or not interested enough to pursue the other sex.

I was wrong.

The thread that eventually led to the unravelling of our marriage and the discovery of his porn addiction was when I read his conversation thread on Facebook with another woman. At first it seemed innocent enough, but then the conversation went on for hours and took on a decidedly flirty tone. At one point, she exclaims that she doesn't understand why so many men want to talk to her online while she is talking to my husband and he responds by saying that he is willing to stand in line- my low key, unassuming snake of a husband. He goes onto  to say how much he digs her attitude and how much he enjoys their exchanges - I had never seen him before like this. I have never seen him so much as glance at another woman. I have to admit, I knew that his job was undemanding, but I thought he filled in his time playing online games and watching movies (his an IT administrator). I had never seen my husband in action before and OH MY WORD I can only imagine what his other conversations were like, if this was just the beginning.

I have had to change the way I see him. He is a flirt, a charmer - a womanising jerk. He is everything I hoped to avoid. His the proverbial player and I can't stand it. How did I find myself in this position? And now he flirts with me and all it does is remind me that this is how he is with any woman.Slick and sweet. I'm not special, I just happen to be around. He doesn't want to get divorced, but neither does he want to be faithful. He wants it all and by getting it, he has tainted our love. Now his turning on the charm...getting slightly naughty in his insinuations and I just want to gag. I wish I could tell him to stop, but then I think that if he didn't flirt with me, I would be upset because in mind, clearly his tons of sexual energy is being spent somewhere. And maybe if I just push through - one day, he will flirt with me and I will just enjoy it, instead of thinking of every woman he talked this way with.

But for now, I am repulsed. I am not one his women. I am not a slut looking for a quick lay. I need safety in a relationship in order to feel comfortable sexually. I am sleeping with the enemy, which is hard enough - please don't ask me to flirt you in email. I want to scream. I want throw something at him - I want to move out and move on with my life. Isn't there some corny phrase, about setting something free and if it comes back then its meant to be? That's how I feel...I want to set us free. I feel bad because it means that he might miss out on our sons development and plus being a single mom is really tough and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But if I could know for sure, that my son and I would be okay financially. That my husband and son would still have a great bond and my son wouldn't feel like he doesn't have a proper dad, I would leave today.

....

The other man...

Every now and then, I find myself wondering into dangerous territory. You see, I have started noticing this other guy...

I found myself  looking (okay staring) at him and wondering how different my life would have been if I had married him instead. We're so alike, we have so much in common and his pretty good looking to boot. In a different world, I can really see myself having relationship with this guy and I imagine it would have been wonderful. I feel so guilty about how I am feeling. I know that in life, we will all meet people that could have been our spouses - but I wish I could just turn it off for a little bit. I feel like its messing with my intent to be as objective as possible, when it comes to waiting to see where my marriage will go. When I think of him and new possibilities, I am filled with...longing for something less complicated that what I have now. I want something trauma free, where I can just be myself again. A new man presents that opportunity. I bet he wouldn't expose me to STD's...he wouldn't give himself away to as many women as possible, while I wait for him at home. I bet I could trust him...

So now I am playing cat and mouse with myself. When I catch myself thinking of him, I deliberately change my track of thought. This morning, I thought that maybe if I journal about it, it would make it easier. I don't want to think about other men and yet its soooo hard when I consider what my life would be like without my traitorous husband by my side. I just want to start over. I want to divorce and see what happens. Would we still want to be with each other? Would my then ex-husband return to form and having tons of sex with numerous women? And if what if he did? Surely, it would be good, because whatever we do when we're apart would be testimony to whats really in our hearts. If we got divorced, I wouldn't be going around offering myself to strange men. I want to know who he would be, without the constraints of marriage - because thats my husband in his true form and I need to know who that man is...

I know they say the reason why the grass is greener on the other side, is because there is more shit - but seriously, the other side of fence is looking pretty good to me. It couldn't possibly be any worse than the crap I am wading in now. Maybe, just maybe, the grass is looking greener on the side, because IT IS GREENER.

To make matters, I am starting to have flashbacks of my favourite "scenes" from M&B books. Its my sex showreel of hot and heavy stuff. I try to change track when it comes up, but its getting harder and harder. Last night was a little tough. I allowed it float in my conscience to long and then I struggled to get rid of it. It called to me to relax, close my eyes and get swept away. My husband and I haven't had sex in maybe a week - maybe thats the problem. I have found that when my hubby and I don't regularly have sex, the temptation gets a lot stronger.

Lord, protect my eyes and thoughts. The temptation is strong and I don't know what to do...

Letters to a shmuck

Hey,

21/06/2011

Thank you for this – your emails are eloquent and great and I feel like I am getting to know you more this way.  This is quite a difficult email for me to write, but we can’t move on unless I do.

I am so glad that you want things to be different for XXX and I think your commitment to being a great father is amazing. I believe you can do it, with all my heart. As your relationship grows with your dad and with your heavenly father – you will become the most fabulous dad any child could have.

Last night, you said that I never tell you that I believe that you will be an amazing husband and I thought about it and you’re right and wondered why it’s so hard for me to say it. And here is why:

For 8 years I believed in you completely and totally. My faith and trust in you was without limit – to the extent that you took the place of God in my heart and thought that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I too wish that you had made different choices. I wish that you had chosen me above everyone else…but you didn’t and I now feel foolish and stupid for ever believing that you loved me. I feel hurt and betrayed to think how you lied to me over and over again, while I continued to love you more deeply each day.  I feel ashamed, that I was so blinded by my heart that I couldn’t see what my mind surely must have been recognising – why else would I have been constantly asking you why you love me, touching you all the time –maybe trying to make up for a love that simply wasn’t there. Maybe I thought that if I loved you enough, maybe you would love me more…

I do believe you could be an amazing husband, I am just struggling to believe that you could be an amazing husband to me.  You actively seeked out opportunities to be anything but faithful, committed and loving. When you should have protected us…me, you turned around and along with strangers violated my heart, our bed and our home and you enjoyed doing it. You kissed me, as you hurt me – you said you loved me, as you betrayed me – you looked into my eyes, and told me that I am the only one you wanted and made me feel silly for ever second guessing you. I looked into your eyes and believed every word you said…

And in the end, it broke my heart to know, that you cared so little about me that you would have continued to betray me, if I hadn’t found out. Its only by Gods’ grace, that I found out, when I did. Not because you loved me enough to tell me…

And so here I am…and I still love you and I probably will do so until my dying day, but I really just don’t know if it’s enough. To use your example of the love bank – our piggy bank is not just low on funds. Our relationship currently is facing foreclosure. There is simply no money left. You have failed to meet your obligations consistently and due to your bad credit history, you can no longer be viewed as a viable candidate for even a loan.

So what do we do now? I don’t know…and I hope you are right, when you say God will show us the way forward from here instead of us trying to guess…

What I would like though in the meantime, is for you to stop saying you love me until you know what your love looks like… for the last four years your love said:

·         I will live in the same space with you– but I will always be looking for someone else to share my body with, because you are not enough for me

·         I will do all the husband duties so that you can’t say I don’t look after you – but the moment I feel bored, I will take my attentions elsewhere

·         I will love you, but not enough to care about your feelings – only enough to care about how you affect me

·         I will do whatever I want, until you catch me out

·         I will be committed to you, but for only as long as it suits me

·         I will be faithful to you, but only when no-one else wants me

·         I will say I love you, because that seems to make you happy and words are easy. Don’t expect me to mean it…

·         I will pretend to be perfect for you – as long you don’t expect me to sacrifice anything for you

I find that what your love currently looks like, is not good enough for me. I deserve more than this. It hurts me to hear you say you love me, when I know this is what it means. So take some time out (as much time as you need) and when you think you are ready and prepared to make me a good offer that you can live up to, we can start from there.

------------------------

You just called and I am happy that you are being proactive about getting the polygraph. I really do hope it goes well…

L.

Just do it - cheat already

His wearing a shirt today...


In the middle of this week, when he was super busy and meeting people he wore a dirty t-shirt to work because he see why wearing a clean shirt was better and today is traditionally a very slow day, where he literally just sits in his office and plays games...and today his wearing a nice shirt. I wonder who his trying to impress.


I watch him with his laptop, to see if he quickly clicks out of things whenever I am close...


At night, I sometimes watch him while his sleeping to see if he will give anything away. I wonder if his cheating on me again and it makes me sad that this is what my marriage has come to.


They say it takes 3-4 years to truly get over betrayal, but I don't know if I can hang on for that long. The waiting to see if I can catch him out again, the misery when I realise I will never really know for sure. I am so tired of not knowing, not trusting...I miss the warmth of security.

I have constant dreams, where I catch him cheating again. Mostly his having dinner with a female co-worker after he told me he needs to work late.In my dreams I feel sad, but also surprisingly a strong sense of relief. I guess its because if he cheats, the waiting will be over. I can move on with my life and leave him behind knowing that I did the best I could for our son. There will be no more waiting to see if he lets me down again. There will be no more second guessing when he looks nice for work.I won't have the compulsive need to check where his phone is every time he goes to the bathroom in case his texting someone else. It will just be me and I think I could be really am happy with that.


I have deliberately chosen not to remind him that we have agreed that he will be taking a lie detector test. He will assume that I am beginning to trust him again. I have decided to give him enough rope to hang himself. So I will try to not use his laptop any more and I will stop asking him how his "temptations" are going. We are supposed to have relationship Thursdays where we talk about our relationship - but I won't bring it up any more. The sooner he cheats on me, the sooner I can get on with my life instead of wasting more time on someone who loves me, but apparently doesn't love me enough to stop sleeping around.


If I had money I would pay a woman to strike a relationship with him and tempt him. I really would and if she cracks him within a month- there would even be a bonus...mmmmm I need a hug :-(

The shame of the Stepford wife

So we're talking about Christmas plans with my parents over the weekend and I suggested we have the family lunch over at our place. I turned to my husband and asked him how many people does he think we can fit into our lounge and he says "Well, remember the birthday dinner you threw me last year? There was about 10 people there" and just like that, I felt foolish all over again.

I remember his birthday... 

I remember that I slaved to make a 3 course meal with assorted side dishes for 10 people. I remember asking my mom for cutlery and crockery, because I didn't have any that was fancy enough. I borrowed linens and tables...and on the night, there I was - warmer on the go, coffee tray in hand - praising him in front of everyone for being such a fantastic husband...

 And now...now I just feel stupid for going all out in front of everyone to make him happy. I feel like an idiot, because while I was planned his birthday party - he most likely planned on registering himself on yet another dating website. 


I sometimes wonder if my single friends saw his dating profiles, but never mentioned it to me:-( 


To add further insult to injury, besides the public humiliation - there is the private shame about how he always acted so possessive about his wedding band and photos of me. He would always pretend to get upset, if I deleted a photo of myself that I didn't like off his phone. He feigned anger, that I was messing with something that was precious to him. He would really go all out. Sputtering about how I am not ever allowed to touch his phone again. That the photos are special. Blah blah blah blah....


Oh and the damn wedding band. He always ensured that he had it on. When he took off for soccer, it would be the first thing he would ask for when we went home.2 days before D day, he told me that it was special to him because it reminded him of me - that same day he spent the night chatting away online. Mmmm, I wonder if he took it off when he made out with that chick after we got married....


Now I can't bear the thought of taking photos with him and he can shove his band. As a matter of fact, I no longer wear my wedding ring, because it has lost all meaning. I cringe at the thought, that we are going to have pose for family pics come Christmas. And if he asks for photos of just the two of us...I don't know. What would be the point? Its not like carrying around photos of me helped him stay faithful - as a matter of fact when he started his last FB relationship, his profile pic was of the two of us together.


I am devastated and embarrassed that I so publicly championed him. He smile and enjoyed it, while betraying me with any harlot he could find...


Well no more. He won't make a fool of me again. He can take his band and shove it and as for photos...well my son better be there, because his the only reason I would be willing to take them!

Fear infested waters

Tomorrow I go back to work after 3 months of maternity leave and all I can say is "THANK YOU GOD", for bringing me through.

My husbands' infidelities came to light when I was 7 months pregnant. The pain and misery would have killed me, but somehow God held me in the palm of His hand and protected me and my unborn son. I was so worried, that the stress would somehow mess up his development - but his a perfect beautiful baby boy. Thank you Jesus.

There were days, when for fleeting moments when I thought it would be easier just to end my life. These thoughts were just as quickly dismissed as I knew my self worth and the worth of my son was far greater than my circumstances. Thank you God.

Moments turned into hours of bitterly crying. I cried and cried until my nose was numb from wiping and my eyes were rung dry. Feeling alone,rejected and unloved, I remembered that He said he would never leave me, nor forsake me - oh how I am so undeserving  Your mercy and grace. I had left to worship at his alter, when I promised You my heart. How great is Thy faithfulness...

I was drowning in fear infested waters and you said, if I trust You...if only I believe - You will bring me through. Fear held me by the ankles and pulled and tugged me under. It nipped at my heels and grazed my belly. Drowning, falling, fading into darkness- you pulled me out - Thank you God.

In the cold depths of my despair, Your Spirit comforted me. Held me close, stroked my hair, said it will be okay,to trust in the plans You have for me. Blinded by my tears, I closed my eyes and listened to Your voice. Oh how sweet the sound....Your Holy Spirit has walked with me and comforted me, reminding me of who I am.  

I am the daughter of the great I AM. 

Sorry Daddy, for neglecting our relationship - Thank for loving me through it all. You heard my prayer and answered my call - without you I am nothing. I was lost and drowning in the inky blackness of the night - You grabbed me around the waist, lifted me up towards the horizon and showed me the coming light. 

Thank God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for all You have done.

Amen.

Dear asshole

There have been some terrible moments over the last couple of months,  that are so painful I can't even bear to say it out loud...

4.Listening to you, while you were having dream sex with someone else. 

3.Last valentines day, I had to work in a different city. I made such an     idiot out of myself dedicating songs to you over facebook, telling everyone who cared to listen how amazing you were. You called me, to say you loved me to. Realising now that when you put the phone down - you had online sex with someone else.

2.Finally embracing the fact that my husband will cheat, manipulate and lie with no remorse.

But you know what the worst was?

1.Lying alone in my hospital bed,tubes sticking of me- unable to move and softly weeping in the dark - wondering whether you were with your mistress. I had never felt so

ALONE 

and so  

 UNLOVED. 

I will never tell you this, because 

I have my pride.

Father forgive me, I have sinned...

Did I not see his addiction, because I was an addict too?

This is my confession....

When I was 11 years old, I found a Mills and Boon book in my grandmothers house. It was nothing as risque, as you get in todays books. Back  then the sighting of a heaving bosom was as scintillating as it got. I fell in love immediately. I read that book over and over again, until it literally fell apart.

The rush of feelings that swept my body felt incredible. By then I had noticed boys and I had, had a couple of crushes - but this "feeling" was on a whole new level. I was experiencing lust for the first time and it felt good. My mom caught me reading this book and threw the book away. I took it out of the trash, locked myself in the bathroom and read it again. I wish I could I tell you that this was the end, but it was just the beginning.

I started looking for more and when the local library ran out of books, I searched for bookshops that had the kind of books I was looking for. No longer was the sighting of a "globe" exciting, I needed more...a lot more. The more graphic the better. I was readying about 6 or 7 books a week. I was about 14/15 years old. I used my lunch and travel money to buy books. Choosing to walk home and go hungry, so I could get my fix. And when I didn't have money...I stole. I wanted the books...I NEEDED them. It felt great to "get away with it" and then I started stealing books, even though I had the money. The high from getting away with it and enjoying my treasure was so intoxicating. I did it as often as I could...but then my conscience would attack and I would stop stealing completely or I would buy some and take some, telling myself that I am repeat customer, so they are still making money...

Of course I masturbated, as the feelings coursing through my body was highly addictive and no man could match that feeling. So much so, that I wonder if I have forever reprogrammed by body, only to highly aroused by these books instead of with the man that I love. Today, I don't orgasm...ever. Sex is a great and wonderful experience, but its a different feeling to one I have when reading. My husband thinks I don't understand the feeling and compulsive needs around masturbation and watching porn, but I understand only to clearly. I have felt so disgusted with myself. The need to read and masturbate was compulsive...

It went on this way for years and then I stumbled across online sex. And WOW!! What a rush. Its incredible. I could write my own Mills and Boon scenes with a willing,anonymous partner. The dirtier, the better. By then I had met my husband and I loved him. I figured though, that since I am not actually doing anything physical, it wasn't being unfaithful. But then I started getting irritated with him, more than I should. I was beginning to lose that loving feeling. The more online sex I had, the less I "loved" my boyfriend. One day I sat at my desk ( I was having online sex at work, using work resources...oh man, just writing that made me so sad) and I realised, that I had to choose between my online lover and my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend...it took a while for my system to calm down, but after about two weeks I started feeling like my old self again.I remember that there were days when I felt weak and I would go these online websites and just kinda cruise around...I realised that if I didn't stop cold turkey I would just go back, so every day I committed to not going back to these sites. 

It was getting to scary. I chose to leave my job and work someplace else. A week before my final day, my boss called me into the office and asked me if I let other people use my computer. My sixth sense told me to lie and I said yes, all the time. And then he said, "oh because we got a report that someone is accessing porn from your computer" - I of course acted appropriately disgusted...I remember feeling relieved and grateful that I was leaving this job in a couple of days...I never made that mistake again at the workplace, but seriously what the hell was wrong with me...

I continued reading as much Mills and Boon and other hardcore material I could get my hands on. I flirted with friends - I always thought, that it was no big deal, but given the right kind of environment what would have I done? I had a close call one day, when this guy which invited me to his place. I was tempted for like a second and then I thought to myself WTF and stopped it right there. Its only beens Gods grace, that unlike my husband I haven't actually gone out and made a play for some guy.

When my boyfriend proposed, we moved in together. Our sex life dewindled. He was watching tons of porn and would prefer to touch himself and I was reading Mills and Boon books and thick 'romantic" novels. I put down our lack of sex to just being a phase in the relationship at the time. I never saw the danger surrounding us.

That year my husband started picking up girls on trains and I had a weird expierience. One day, hubby gets up and goes to work. I remember lying in bed and it felt as if someone was straightening out and parting my legs. In half a daze, I thought I was sleeping - but I remember distinctly feeling "awake" but unable to move. I remember feeling like I was about to sex, but noone was there. The feeling called to me and tempted me to just relax and enjoy it. But my sixth sense kicked in and I realised, that something weird was happening and I started to struggle against the feeling and get out of bed. It was so hard! I got so scared. The more I struggled, the more it felt like something was working its way up my body. I started to pray and "it" released me. I stumbled out of bed, shaken and relieved - and yet I perversely missed that sexual feeling. During my darker periods of despair, when I wonder if my husband is telling the truth regarding whether his porn addiction. I remember this thing that happened and I remind myself that  clearly we have issues with lust and I do believe that what I was expieriencing was demonic. Lust pervaded our home and was pulling us further into the darkness and we never saw it coming...

For a while I didn't read Mills and Boons books, but inevitably I started a short while later. Intimacy was nowhere to be found in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once every couple of weeks. We loved each other, but we were not IN love. This is how we carried on for years. Then one day I found out I was pregnant and I asked God, to help us be the best parents we could be for our son. Soon after I discovered my husband having an affair and everything unravelled.

My husband made life altering decisions in the face of his porn addiction, I chose to stand with him. As a family we do not watch nor read porn. We are careful about the kinds of movies we see.We do not masturbate. We have chosen to only share sexual contact with each other and our sex life has never been better.

Some days its hard for me. The impulse to masturbate is strong, but I have taught myself to focus on something else. And when this doesn't work, I simply have to fight through the feeling. Lately I have had "flashbacks" of my favourite Mills and Boon scenes. It just pops up in my mind at unexpected times. I haven't read a book in months...7 months to be exact. As soon as it pops up, I start thinking of something else. But that feeling to enjoy it...noone will know, is so tantalising. 

And this is how I realised that my husband does not stand alone in the porn addict stakes. Yes, I didn't go as far as he did, but I have dishonoured him and God nonetheless.

So as a family, with God firmly leading us forth. We are forging a new path, for a better healthier kind of life. I have realised, that without God my family and I will fall apart. I am sorry, that wondered away from Him so far, but today right here, right now I confess with heart that I have sinned and I am so sorry.

God has heard my cry and He has saved me....

Out for blood...

When your significant other decides to have an affair, they may as well have taken a dump on your favourite dress. I looked at so many sites of people who cheated and the description that comes up often, is that they felt like they were in a "fog". Well then, lets see what we can do to help clear that up...

After D Day- what every cheating heart should do....

1. Soul search - are you really sorry? This is most kindest things you can do, after you decided to step out of your marriage and betrayed your spouse. If your not sorry, don't waste your spouses time and just leave. Don't waste anymore of her precious time. She only has this one life to live - allow her to live it with someone who will love and treasure her. It will be best final gift you ever give her. If you realise that you made a mistake...

2. Confront that bitch. Tell her, that it was a mistake - you don't know what the hell happened, but you 're sorry that you ever spoke to her, touched her and any other nasty ass thing you did. You choose your wife and your marriage. Nothing and noone is worth risking your marriage for. You were stupid to have done what you did and you regret it intensely. Say it in the most strongly worded way possible, so that there is no doubt. Your wife shouldn't have to tell you what to say - if you are genuinely sorry let the words flow from your heart and let your sincerity shine through. You have stripped pride and dignity from both your spouse and yourself. Its time to restore it. The enemy came in the dead of the night and has threatened your home and your family - its time to find your balls and fight back

I said f*ck off...

3. Show your wife that she is the one you want. You should have by now, effectively told that ho, that she needs to move along - but now you are faced with a broken marriage. Your partner no longer feels loved, attractive, special, wanted. At some point, she must have been precious to you - after all you married her. Have a serious talk about how she would like you to show her, how much you care and the follow through. If she is to pissed to care, then just be there. Hold her, kiss her (if she will let you) - research as much as possible on ways to win her heart back. 

4.Be prepared to be target practice for a while. You have poisoned her and it is killing her from the inside. In order for your marriage to be better than before, it all needs to come out. She will spewing words, that you never thought your wife even knew. You might even have be ducking and diving for a while. Allow it happen. Don't defend your actions, accept the fact that you deserve it.  You have betrayed her, did you really think that she wouldn't be hurt by it...

I am so happy that your banging that chick from accounts...

5. Share her pain - you are about to run out of toilet paper very quickly. Oh man, are the tears going to flow. Hers and yours. Don't shy away from her pain. Go to her and hold her as she weeps. She is hurting badly and she needs you to just hold her. She also needs to see how sorry you are. Cry with her and share with her how you feel. She will never know how you feel, unless you show her. She might seem not to care, and there will be days were she wont... but she IS listening...

What is working in my marriage:

1. We have put God back in our relationship. Our marriage could not heal and thrive without him. We pray together and attend church. That spirit of lust that has overtaken us, will not destroy my family!               
2. My husband had to decide, what he wanted. I was his first proper girlfriend and along with his porn addiction, his curiosity about what it would be like with other women just was to much for him. But it couldn't be helped, that we met when we did - so he needed to decide what he wanted and be prepared to faithful to that. He needed to recommit. He taped his conversation with the other woman, where he told her it was over. I loved it - it felt like it gave me some of my power back.                         
3. After he decided what he wanted, he needed to show me his plans in how he was going to prevent this from happening ever again.You need real tangible changes, otherwise it will be so easy to slip again. This included, giving away all his porn, identifying triggers and avoiding them eg pics of near naked women. Without a plan,you have nothing
4. He is willing to do whatever it takes, to be with me and to make my dreams come true. I am through, with taking a back seat to him. (Not that he ever asked me to, but I did it to make our marriage work). Its my time now and he has committed enthuisiastically to support my dreams and plans.Its a new era in our marriage, because I am different and if he wants to stick around then he better buckle up.