Did I not see his addiction, because I was an addict too?
This is my confession....
When I was 11 years old, I found a Mills and Boon book in my grandmothers house. It was nothing as risque, as you get in todays books. Back then the sighting of a heaving bosom was as scintillating as it got. I fell in love immediately. I read that book over and over again, until it literally fell apart.
The rush of feelings that swept my body felt incredible. By then I had noticed boys and I had, had a couple of crushes - but this "feeling" was on a whole new level. I was experiencing lust for the first time and it felt good. My mom caught me reading this book and threw the book away. I took it out of the trash, locked myself in the bathroom and read it again. I wish I could I tell you that this was the end, but it was just the beginning.
I started looking for more and when the local library ran out of books, I searched for bookshops that had the kind of books I was looking for. No longer was the sighting of a "globe" exciting, I needed more...a lot more. The more graphic the better. I was readying about 6 or 7 books a week. I was about 14/15 years old. I used my lunch and travel money to buy books. Choosing to walk home and go hungry, so I could get my fix. And when I didn't have money...I stole. I wanted the books...I NEEDED them. It felt great to "get away with it" and then I started stealing books, even though I had the money. The high from getting away with it and enjoying my treasure was so intoxicating. I did it as often as I could...but then my conscience would attack and I would stop stealing completely or I would buy some and take some, telling myself that I am repeat customer, so they are still making money...
Of course I masturbated, as the feelings coursing through my body was highly addictive and no man could match that feeling. So much so, that I wonder if I have forever reprogrammed by body, only to highly aroused by these books instead of with the man that I love. Today, I don't orgasm...ever. Sex is a great and wonderful experience, but its a different feeling to one I have when reading. My husband thinks I don't understand the feeling and compulsive needs around masturbation and watching porn, but I understand only to clearly. I have felt so disgusted with myself. The need to read and masturbate was compulsive...
It went on this way for years and then I stumbled across online sex. And WOW!! What a rush. Its incredible. I could write my own Mills and Boon scenes with a willing,anonymous partner. The dirtier, the better. By then I had met my husband and I loved him. I figured though, that since I am not actually doing anything physical, it wasn't being unfaithful. But then I started getting irritated with him, more than I should. I was beginning to lose that loving feeling. The more online sex I had, the less I "loved" my boyfriend. One day I sat at my desk ( I was having online sex at work, using work resources...oh man, just writing that made me so sad) and I realised, that I had to choose between my online lover and my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend...it took a while for my system to calm down, but after about two weeks I started feeling like my old self again.I remember that there were days when I felt weak and I would go these online websites and just kinda cruise around...I realised that if I didn't stop cold turkey I would just go back, so every day I committed to not going back to these sites.
It was getting to scary. I chose to leave my job and work someplace else. A week before my final day, my boss called me into the office and asked me if I let other people use my computer. My sixth sense told me to lie and I said yes, all the time. And then he said, "oh because we got a report that someone is accessing porn from your computer" - I of course acted appropriately disgusted...I remember feeling relieved and grateful that I was leaving this job in a couple of days...I never made that mistake again at the workplace, but seriously what the hell was wrong with me...
I continued reading as much Mills and Boon and other hardcore material I could get my hands on. I flirted with friends - I always thought, that it was no big deal, but given the right kind of environment what would have I done? I had a close call one day, when this guy which invited me to his place. I was tempted for like a second and then I thought to myself WTF and stopped it right there. Its only beens Gods grace, that unlike my husband I haven't actually gone out and made a play for some guy.
When my boyfriend proposed, we moved in together. Our sex life dewindled. He was watching tons of porn and would prefer to touch himself and I was reading Mills and Boon books and thick 'romantic" novels. I put down our lack of sex to just being a phase in the relationship at the time. I never saw the danger surrounding us.
That year my husband started picking up girls on trains and I had a weird expierience. One day, hubby gets up and goes to work. I remember lying in bed and it felt as if someone was straightening out and parting my legs. In half a daze, I thought I was sleeping - but I remember distinctly feeling "awake" but unable to move. I remember feeling like I was about to sex, but noone was there. The feeling called to me and tempted me to just relax and enjoy it. But my sixth sense kicked in and I realised, that something weird was happening and I started to struggle against the feeling and get out of bed. It was so hard! I got so scared. The more I struggled, the more it felt like something was working its way up my body. I started to pray and "it" released me. I stumbled out of bed, shaken and relieved - and yet I perversely missed that sexual feeling. During my darker periods of despair, when I wonder if my husband is telling the truth regarding whether his porn addiction. I remember this thing that happened and I remind myself that clearly we have issues with lust and I do believe that what I was expieriencing was demonic. Lust pervaded our home and was pulling us further into the darkness and we never saw it coming...
For a while I didn't read Mills and Boons books, but inevitably I started a short while later. Intimacy was nowhere to be found in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once every couple of weeks. We loved each other, but we were not IN love. This is how we carried on for years. Then one day I found out I was pregnant and I asked God, to help us be the best parents we could be for our son. Soon after I discovered my husband having an affair and everything unravelled.
My husband made life altering decisions in the face of his porn addiction, I chose to stand with him. As a family we do not watch nor read porn. We are careful about the kinds of movies we see.We do not masturbate. We have chosen to only share sexual contact with each other and our sex life has never been better.
Some days its hard for me. The impulse to masturbate is strong, but I have taught myself to focus on something else. And when this doesn't work, I simply have to fight through the feeling. Lately I have had "flashbacks" of my favourite Mills and Boon scenes. It just pops up in my mind at unexpected times. I haven't read a book in months...7 months to be exact. As soon as it pops up, I start thinking of something else. But that feeling to enjoy it...noone will know, is so tantalising.
And this is how I realised that my husband does not stand alone in the porn addict stakes. Yes, I didn't go as far as he did, but I have dishonoured him and God nonetheless.
So as a family, with God firmly leading us forth. We are forging a new path, for a better healthier kind of life. I have realised, that without God my family and I will fall apart. I am sorry, that wondered away from Him so far, but today right here, right now I confess with heart that I have sinned and I am so sorry.
God has heard my cry and He has saved me....
