The other family

My aunt related to me by affair, died this week. She had a heart attack. I barely knew her and perhaps have seen her a handful of times. She belonged to the "other family"...

You see my maternal great grandfather had two women. He had been with my great grandmother first and then the mistress came along.They didn't know about each other until it came time for him to choose. My great grandmother didn't have much, but she was intelligent, ambitious and strong. He didn't choose her. And when it was time to leave, he said that he couldn't possibly leave this other woman because she needed him. She wouldn't be able to survive on her own, as he knew my great grandmother could. They say, his mistress had wrapped him around her little finger so tightly, they didn't who he was anymore. There was hushed conversations of witchraft involved...my great grandmother fought and begged for him to stay...

At the end of the day, he left. He left her and their children for his mistress and their children.

So my grandfather and his siblings lived in fishermans cottage, little better than a shack. Sleeping in one room on the floor...where the other family seemed to do well. I can only imagine the bitterness my grandfather must have felt.

Well, years later blood has told. Our family has prospered and theirs haven't. There isn't a shack in sight, we have good paying jobs and ambitiously we persue our dreams and careers - and we are successful at it. I wish my great grandmother could see the line of women that has come after her. What we have done and accomplished, even though she had to scrape and beg to keep a roof over her families head. I believe it was because she remained faithful to God and although she never got to see us in action, her sacrifice has paved the way for us.

The "other" family struggles. Poverty stricken, living in a slum - going nowhere slowly. I feel the corner of my mouth turn up in scorn - my heart whispers the words "this is what you get"...I feel petty, but somehow their downfall has fed my attitude of vengeance. My family suffered, heartbroken and alone my great grandmother was left to fend for herself and now look...blood tells.

Why did my great grandfather do it?

I actually believe that just as my great grandmothers actions has influenced our family line, his actions have influenced theirs. They are paying the price for his disloyalty. He brought into that home, a spirit of lust, betrayal and brokeness. Its a generational curse brought on by his own actions. Today, parts of that family is christian and they pray and attend church - but I wonder if that they understand the bigger picture of why they are where they are. Did they think, that life just happened this way? I feel bad for the upcoming generations and I believe that a full recovery can be made - but a price must be paid and today we see it happening.

We like to think of ourselves seperate from the generations before us, but its all linked. Things are passed down - hardships and blessings due to someone elses actions- this is how things work. Our partners are porn addicts for a reason - it would be interesting to know what happened in that family line (if the family is honest enough to say it like it is)...

We have a serious problem with lust and abuse in my family line from both sides. In every generation, we see it pop up. Its there because we have failed to make the right decisions, when we were called to be righteous and do the right thing.

I would be lying if I said my decision to stay up to this point hasn't been largely, because I believe that my son will reap the rewards if I stay. My husband comes from a broken home, because his father was a philandering jerk and his father before him was an absentee dad. I want more for my son than the life, his father and grandfather has up to this point had  laid out for him.

Of course, if my husband continues being unfaithful - I wouldn't want my son around that either - but while we are all trying, I will stay because I believe that will bring about positive change in his family line and my son will be in a better place for it.

As future elders of our families, we need to understand what we do now matters. We need to truly embrace the idea that we have the power to change things for the better or the worst and that sometimes to see joy and goodness in our families we need to pay the price for someone elses bad choices.

Monkey see, Monkey do

My grandfather is a philandering jerk. A minister, who loved women. Throughout my grandmothers life, she watched as they came and went and even brought up a child from one of his affairs. Oh, how her heart must have broke. My father vividly remembers listening to my grandfather plead for forgiveness, only to cheat again.

She was an uneducated woman, who came to the city after living on a farm in her childhood. She met my grandfather and was swept away. She bore him 6 children and raised 1, as if it was her own. She was my dads entire world. She may have been uneducated in academic circles, but she was wise. She was a housewife all her years, with doing some house cleaning every now and then. I wonder what she would say to me now.What would she do, if she knew what I am going through. I grew up constantly thinking that I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. I never wanted to turn out to be like my ma - sad and tired. I would be different...

But here I am at my own crossroads and while I feel the tug to leave (okay violent shove) - I don't want to make the decision out of fear. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I out earn my husband and I do not depend on him for a damn dime. I would be fine...but what about my child?

The other day, my father finally told his dad, what he thought of him. My grandfather now in his 70's doesn't understand why none of his children visit him. My dad explained to him, that he is bearing the fruits of his behaviour. This is the consequences of his actions. His own children didn't want to be around him. I was sad for my granddad. Now alone, paying for his mistakes because at the time - he lived for the moment, with no thought as to what it would mean for his future. He didn't know that children will watch you and learn about life from you. It made me think about my son...

His 5 months old now and I love him more than anything in this entire world. I want whats best for him and I do believe that the best involves him being brought up in a home with his own mommy and daddy. He doesn't deserve a broken family. He should know what its like to see healthy relationships played out. I look at my husband and the fact that he comes from a broken family. I see the links between him seeing his dad with his mistress, finding his dad porn collection and medicating himself with masturbation and pornography since the age of 11. He has never had the opportunity to see what a committed relationship looks like. I don't want that for my son. My husband learnt his behaviour from his dad - monkey see, monkey do apparently. But its time for a change in their generational line. I found this image and it really just captures my attitude - let no evil pass through your eyes, do not listen to the voice calling you to stray, guard your tongue and do not let your hormones and lusty appetites govern you...it will only lead to heartbreak.

I want to make my choices from a place of strength, not fear. I want to reach for the best future for my son - the question is, does the best future include living with his biological dad? Would be without his dad, have the same impact? I heard somewhere that only 23%  of todays kids in my city is brought up in a home where they still have both their parents.I want my son to be part of the 23%...but what at what cost?

What I know for sure, is that this crap will not be passed down to my son. I will not be treated like my grandmother was...this is a game changing generation - we refuse to take what is being handed to us. Father God please help to see what my next move is...

Starting weight:110.6kgs
Current weight: 108.4kgs
Lost:2.2 kgs

Demons and Divorce

I am a terrible Christian. My basic tendency is toward a tangible and scientific approach to life. Like many Christians out there, I have merged what  I have deemed common sense and my faith. For example, I believe in evolution - I also believe that God designed us and the world that way...but every now and then a little voice in my head whispers in my ear "Are you sure, God is real" - "What if Jesus wasn't the son of God, instead just a kid that had to be explained away by an unmarried woman". I feel intense guilt and resolve not to waver in my faith again...but it still happens every now and then. When I can't chase away these thoughts, I become my own witness. I testify to myself about Gods mercy and what He has done for me and believe me, He has done plenty. How can I question, when I have experienced his presence, seen Him move mountains on my behalf and literally have seen Him carry me through the valley death... and its happening again. Lately I haven't been praying as much as I should and in the oddest moments the voice calls to me..."Are you sure...?"


Well yes
                                                                          I AM SURE


let me tell you about what God has done for my marriage. He has led me every step of the way. Its because of Him that I have discovered what my husband is and in turn myself. I can't begin to tell you the divine intervention that took place. God planted questions and "feelings" that I went with, that I didn't understand - but once I obeyed them, my once "private" husband opened up like you wouldn't believe.  After the God inspired "lie detector" test idea, my husband told me things he never would have said - the result of which was me chucking my husband out of the house. At that moment, if someone had put divorce papers in front of me, I would have signed them.


Anyways, so after he left and I had time to think, I called a meeting to see what he wanted to do with our marriage. It was a heavy conversation spiritually. God opened up my eyes and I saw...things. My husbands countenance had changed...his eyes were shifty and he couldn't look me in the eyes. I am not talking nervousness, this was darker. At first I didn't recognise it for what it was, but slowly as our argument got heated it showed its face more and more. It was this spiritual awareness, that kept me from telling  him go to hell, I want  a divorce. My husband refused to fight for our marriage beyond the token protest in the beginning. His lack of passion to save us, didn't ring true for some reason ( I know its crazy, since his been cheating on me, but something was "off".) The conversation circled a couple of times, until we came to an impasse. He wasn't making enough of an effort to fight for me and then out of nowhere I asked him, "What do you want to do, once we get divorced?" And then he spoke to me about how he was "curious" about other women. I asked him whether this was porn curiosity or you want to be in another relationship curiosity. He looked at me in surprise and said, its a porn curiosity. He didn't realise it before...but its just about sex,not about us. And that moment was the birth of us trying again. I recognised that my husband had no idea what was going on his own heart and mind.  Porn had him wrapped up so tight, he couldn't see beyond the nudy pictures. I remember the moment I shifted to warrior mode instead of hurt wife. Its happened a couple of times over the last couple of months. Its like the pain shuts off and suddenly I am operating on a strength and clarity for greater than my own. Once he told me that his curiosity was porn related, I shape shifted. I was going to fight my husband for my husband.


The shifty eyed bastard was more prominent now, as the truth was slowly emerging. My husband began to sway ever so slightly and began looking like a trapped animal. I tapped into what God has always told me -"I will be with you always"  I refused to be intimidated and I went for the kill.  I looked my husband and knew, that he would need to come and get me. To active "show me" his choice. God had brought us to this place, where his confusion was laid bare and insight was brought to the table. We had gone as far as we could, now it was my husbands turn. I sat in silence and waited...he looked me and said. "Its not from God is it? This curiosity..." I said "No" and waited some more. I watched as my husband waged an internal battle and started to cry. My heart went out to him, but I sat glued to my seat. The devil was playing games, trying out different approaches to get a reaction out of me. He has tried the nonchalance passive approach, designed to hurt me and anger me into a divorce, he tried the insincere crying apology to stop any more questions because I would feel so sorry for him. He tried out irritation, to make me impatient - but God kept me stable and I saw through it all. It was like all these arrows were continually being fired at my heart, but Gods armour kept me so safe, I didn't feel a thing. After about 2.5 hours - I watched as I saw the first sincere tear roll from his eyes. In the silence my husband has fought his demon and reached for me and ultimately God. He pleaded with me to stay, he said he would become the man the I needed him to be...and I believed him for the first time, since our meeting began. After he did that, his countenance changed again. Eyes red with crying, he no longer looked shifty...he was calm and I felt he was spiritually present with me.


This conversation, more than any other shifted the direction of our marriage. I literally saw his demons weigh on him and I watched him fight it. If he had been a coward or loved me less, I would be divorced today. Instead, God put a fire in my belly and I fought hard. God took him by the hand, and showed him what was truly going on in his heart. We met each other at the half way line. I take no responsibility for this intervention. I was simply a conduit for His word.


I know God was there, I felt Him and saw His wisdom in every action.  Praise be to God for all He has done.

Sex after infidelity

Sex after infidelity...this must be the most confusing thing after discovering your partner is a unfaithful shmuck.


I have done so many searches on "when to have sex, after you find out your partner is a porn addict" or "when do you know the time is right to have sex after discovering an affair?' and there are no answers. But what I do know, is that sex after discovering infidelity is an insane roller-coaster ride.


There seems to be a couple of phases involved.
                                        

PHASE ONE: DON'T TOUCH ME!!

After finding out that his arms had been around someone else. That his lips has touched another, it was excruciating to have him even hold my hand. When he tried to kiss me, all I could think of was whether he had kissed her like this. If he had held her tightly...if he looked into her eyes as he caressed her face. I couldn't bear it. It all felt...wrong. I cringed at his touch - all it did was remind me of what he did with other women. It broke me, to know he had shared something so special to me - with any woman who he could get into bed with. His touches, his smile and kisses were no longer mine. Instead they belonged to the world...to strangers that he didn't even love.

PHASE TWO: HYSTERICAL BONDING

Hands down the best sex we have had in a looong time. I don't why my feelings shifted, but suddenly I was up for anything and everything. It was intense. The kind of sex you see in movies and wish  you that your husband was that connected with you. During this period we had more sex, than we had in the last couple of months combined. Twice a day is a mile away from once every month or so. And it was always face to face. Somehow, any other position just seemed to disconnect us. Apparently dysfunctional sex=hot sex. Afterwards I always felt as if I let myself down. How could I do this with a man, who a couple of days before was trying to get into someone else's pants. Did I have no self respect? After the adrenaline faded, this turned into....

PHASE THREE: CRYING SEX

You know you are messed up when you cry during sex. And not a "this is wonderful and I am so happy cry" - I am talking about tears rolling down your cheeks as your throat closes with heartbreak kind of cry. The kind of cry, when pain seems to vibrate through your entire being and no words could possibly express how you feel. Questions and wondering whether he tried this position with her - was she better then me? Did he learn how to move that way with her? How could he have shared this with someone else? Wasn't I good enough? Does he compare her to me? I once asked him, if he prefers doing it from the back, because then he didn't have to see my face and could imagine someone else. He said no...but I didn't believe him. 

The other day I cried again. I wasn't expecting it. I suddenly felt warmth creep out of the corners of my eyes and splash on my ears. He stopped and asked if I was okay. I answered him with a kiss, trying to convey that I love him, but I am sad. That its okay...it will be okay. I kissed him with all the passion I had, but in all honesty there were moments when it almost felt like I was saying goodbye. I don't know where it came from - maybe its because I am tired of being tired of the all that has happened. Maybe my unconscious self knows something I am yet to discover in my awake state. He hasn't tried again since then, and I don't blame him. Who wants to have sex with someone who might cry half way through it? 

PHASE FOUR: LETS TRY AGAIN

When I am not crying or fuelled with an serious urge to copulate, it feels like we're committing to each other all over again. We have promised that we will only share sexual activities with each other, as we both suffer from porn addiction. So no self-gratification, no looking at sexual material or fantasising unless its about your partner. This has dramatically improved our love life. Because there is no other outlet, we turn to  each other and it has helped to bond us emotionally and physically all over again. 

These phases don't seem to be static. I go back and forth between them and right now I feel like I am back to crying again. With the possibility of divorce seriously weighing on my mind, it tinges everything with bitter sweetness. His trying so hard, but it may not be enough...in the meantime I have given myself permission to feel the way I do. Sometimes I feel bad, because one day I am totally up for it and the next week I am hesitant to even kiss him. I don't mean to send conflicting messages, this is just how I feel and I am trying to be okay with that. This is just part of the price that we have to pay I guess...

She said no, but she meant yes...

"In South Africa, a woman has a greater chance of being raped 

than learning how to read..."

One in three of the 4,000 women questioned by the Community of Information, Empowerment and Transparency said they had been raped in the past year. A survey conducted among 1,500 schoolchildren in the Soweto township, a quarter of all the boys interviewed said that 'jackrolling', a term for gang rape, was fun. More than 25% of South African men questioned in a survey admitted to raping someone; of those, nearly half said they had raped more than one person, according to a new study conducted by the Medical Research Council (MRC). It is estimated that 500,000 rapes are committed annually in South Africa. A 2010 study led by the government-funded Medical Research Foundation says that in Gauteng province, home to South Africa's most populous city of Johannesburg, more than 37 percent of men said they had raped a woman. Nearly 7 percent of the 487 men surveyed said they had participated in a gang rape. South Africa has some of the highest incidences of child and baby rape in the world with more than 67,000 cases of rape and sexual assaults against children reported in 2000.(http://www.rape.co.za/)

                                                 "She said no, but she meant yes..."

A story caught my eye the other day. It was about the man they now call the "Facebook rapist".  He had done some despicable things including rape and when they asked why he had done it - he said it was the spirit of lust. Some scoffed, but I immediately knew what he meant. The kind of lust he was talking about, isn't the kind of butterflies in your tummy feeling when you see someone attractive. This is the ugly, compulsive need to treat someone else like trash in the most worst possible way. Its that feeling that doesn't recognise the other person as a human being - instead they are just objects to be used and abused. 

                            " In most cases of rape, the rapist had been watching porn"

Objectification is a massive part of porn addiction. The inability to actually see the other person.  Porn glorifies the man who can subdue the "unwilling" woman. It glamorises men forcing themselves onto women, because ALL women like to be treated roughly. It teaches us, that deep down, all women are whores and are up for it, anytime.

In a poverty ridden country, we do what we can to entertain ourselves. We look for cheap and easy access activities. Sex and porn has become an easy solution for boredom...and look what its done to my country. We have the highest rate of rape and HIV/AIDS in the world. Nobody can tell me, that porn plays no part in this.

Porn destroys more than just relationships. It destroys cities...countries. It infiltrates the very fabric of who we are and it turns us into predators. Porn turns loved ones to victims and blinds the heart of the perpetrator, until they lose sight of who they really are...

                                     We hide from God, ashamed of what we have become....

                                        Father please forgive us...what have we done?

My mom and porn

A while back, my husband mentioned to me that his dad had asked if he has any porn to lend him. I was sooo disgusted. How can a parent ask a child if they have porn? What's wrong with the man?

I was so blind to my own behaviour that I only just realised, that that's exactly what I have been doing with my mom. We have been swapping Mills and Boon and thick "romantic" books for years. I gave my grandmother over 400 books at the beginning of this year before my marriage fell apart. I didn't want her to get bored...

 In the most bluntest terms, I have been feeding my families lust. Now I used to argue that it wasn't about the sex, it was all about the love story, but that's a load of shit. It was all about the sex and even though I did sometimes feel a prick of embarrassment when I gave my mom some of my more x-rated stuff, it never lasted very long.What was wrong with me?

My mother taught me many things. She once told me, not to act "sexy" when taking public transport because you simply don't know what kind of men are out there. She taught me "never to throw pearls before swine" meaning, that you shouldn't share important personal things with just anybody. She has shown me, that if anybody messes with me - she will be the first in line to kick their asses...and she taught me that Mills and Boon books are acceptable by swopping them with me. A far cry from the woman who once threw away my books. What changed for her? Did time and being bored in her own marriage finally wear her down?

I don't blame my mom for the choices I have made. I am just saying that I wish things could have been different. I wish that she could have blazed a path for me, but she allowed unhealthy lust to seem okay. I wish that she could have told me, that reading these kinds of books would take my eyes off my husband and focus them instead on strange men. I wish she could have told me that my sex life would go down the toilet, because no human man can match the cocaine like high from reading porn and I would just be bringing trouble into my own marriage. If I had kept on this path, I am sure I would have cheated on my husband. In our most honest conversations we have both admitted to thinking about other people during sex - it was only a matter of time before it became a reality. 

I will ensure that my children learn from my mistakes. Maybe they won't listen to "crazy" mom, but the cost of this experience is so high that it would be foolish not to share it. 

I wish I could share this with my mom too, but she isn't ready for this level of honesty and introspection. Right now she seems happy to function in her dysfunction and until someone is ready to let that go, everything falls on deaf ears. I am sad that I have allowed lust to rob me of so much. I am sadder still that my mom has been tangled alongside me in this web of lust. My prayer is for her to see the light and for her marriage to be healed. I trust that God will use what has happened and will beam a light into the darkness.


And mom, I will be here whenever you're ready. I love you...

My Gethsemane

Can you be happy in a marriage, after a partner has been unfaithful? Is this to be my gethsemane?


Before I discovered my husbands numerous infidelities, I was a happily married woman. I was content with my lot in life. I let go of the fact that my husband never spoke to me about his feelings, but I rationalised that it was just a guy thing. I ignored the fact that over the years, intimacy dwindled to the extent where we felt like two friends instead of two people in love.So what if we were more lukewarm, than hot - maybe this is what family life looks like.


I had asked God to help us be good parents and then watched as he answered my prayer, by stripping bear our sham of a marriage.  My husband and I now stand at ground zero trying to rebuild, but all that we have these days are glimpses of happiness. These glimpses for me are often followed by a far longer lasting hammering of memories and pain. I refuse to ignore it, but I work hard at not being gratuitous about it. I have accepted the fact, that there is no way around it - if I want to heal, I need to go through it. Its hard though. We both wish "it" would just go away. 

We both wish I could forget "it" and move on...

we both wish we could be happy, but the truth is we're not. 85% of the time I am completely miserable. I don't know how he feels, because he still doesn't tell me unless I ask him. I have asked God to restore my heart to my husband, because this thing is so far beyond me, that its crushed me. If my marriage survives, it will only be because God has healed it...or maybe that's the point?


Is my marriage meant to be a testimony to Gods grace? I know its selfish, but if it is...why me? Couldn't He have found some other way? Is my purpose in this life, to be Gods hand in severing the clear generational curse of lust and broken families that run in his bloodline and perhaps mine (just found out the other day that my grandmother was an affair when she was a young married woman)...its to much for me to bear. I can't carry this load and yet...and yet if I stay and if God is faithful to His word - then my son will be free, my husband will know and feel Gods grace, forgiveness and joy. Is this my calling? Is this my ministry?

what 

about 

me? 

I am afraid, that if I stay I will just be wasting more time. I am scared that I am misreading Gods will and this just my desperate need to  make it all, make sense. 


I am terrified that the man who betrayed me as he kissed me - will take what little is left of my precious heart and give it away to some prostitute or a cheap one night stand.


God I ask for the strength and the resolve to see this through. If this is Your will, show me what you want me to do. This load is to heavy to carry and so I hand it and my heart over to You...