Either shit or get off the pot...

Forever burned in my memory, is the morning before the beginning of the end. It was cold and rainy outside, my husband and I cuddled under warm blankets. I remember how his arm rested across my pregnant belly...how he kissed me softly. I remember feeling content and that if I could just stay this way forever, I would be happy. It was a moment of pure crystalised happiness - 24 hours later he would call my cellphone and I would dismiss him, because I was to busy to talk to him, 25 hours later he would befriend a work colleague on facebook and a week later, I would be crying and he would be begging to stay - 2 months later he would be living with his dad...a year later, my son is in my arms, my husband is back in our bed and I am forever changed.

This weekend almost felt like it used to be. Rainy and miserable outside, we cuddled under blankets -  with our 9 month old son in between. My husband kissed me softly over our sons head and I thought about the stranger who came on to me, the women my husband betrayed me with...I thought about the man my husband used be and wondered if he could be that man again.

For the last year, I have qualified every and any statement about our future with "if we don't get divorced". Unwilling to committ to anything,beyond the next second or minute. I refused to committ to a future and more recently started using "divorce" as a blackmail weapon. If I was feeling particularly hurt or angry, I would bring up an amazing idea of what our future could hold i.e. more children or travel- I would lay it before him, painting a glorious picture of what our future could be like and then I would slide in the throw comment - "if we don't get divorced, that is"... I silently derived satisfaction from the swift look of sadness in his eyes. I would know that I really hit the mark, when he started cleaning the house (my husband has been trying to prove his worth, by doing everything in our home).

Bitter and mad at my husband, I stood in the pew of our church and tried to connect. There a particular sentence in one of the hymns that caught my eye - "He forgave, so that we can forgive"... I had thought I had forgiven, but had I really, when my jibes came out of a place of revenge instead of authentic sadness and anger? I felt convicted that I have deliberately stoked the flame of his shame for my own enjoyment. There is so much that I should be ashamed of and God has forgiven me - there is much that I wish I could take back, but I can't and in God I have found peace. Who am I, not to withold forgiveness? God has been so good to me...

All at once, I felt sooo tired. Tired of being hurt and tired of hurting. I have held onto my unforgiveness and used it as a shield to protect my broken heart...and to wound his. Standing there, I just knew that it was time...time to either committ or leave. Within my heart I knew what my choice was.

Certainty that accompanied my doubts about him, now accompanied the realisation that I would stay. Yes, I allowed him back home - but I had never allowed him back in my heart. So, I will stay and stop using him as a whipping post for my grief, because I enjoy watching him squirm. I will stop emotionally bullying him and instead I would try to be less defensive and less vicious. I will start calling him "love" again and perhaps I would permit myself to run my fingers through his hair, every now and then.

I told him, that instead of being a step away from getting divorced - we are now perhaps two or three steps away. He looked relieved... We have teetered on the brink for so long, that even having our feet planted on solid ground no matter how close to the edge is a big deal.

So heres' to trying again...

"The glory of this latter house shall be greater than of the former, saith the LORD of hosts: and in this place will I give peace."

Haggai 2 vs9

How to catch a cheat

Exasperated, my husband said he doesn't know how to show me his being faithful. This after once again, I compulsively asked him questions about what has gone on before. All I can do, he said, is keep on doing what I am doing and hopefully one day you will see that I'm not cheating anymore.

Well that would be great. Not to look at my husband and think about who has he attempted to screw that day.  And to be honest I have no intention of spending my life with a man, where this is a distinct possibility.  How can I be sure of his faithfulness? My plan is simple. I will give him a false sense of confidence till August, at that point I will be sending him for a lie detector test. There is no way I am spending my 30th birthday with a lying piece of shit.

I started yesterday. It was hard, but I managed. He wanted to go play cricket with some family members and two overseas students (girls) were scheduled to go along. They would be in their early twenties, bubbly and unchanged by life burdens. I didn't make a fuss - I wished him well and sent him off with a smile. When he came back, I didn't ask him any questions related to them. Let him think that I am over it...

And thats my plan. I will be doing my best not to bring up the past, I will not be exploring his laptop or googling his name every other day, to see if it will come up on some random chat group. Checking on him at every opportunity.

I want my life back. I am tired of being consumed by doubt and resentment.  He wants to cheat, I will do the best I can to provide him with an environment in which that is possible. 

I plan on going to see my sister soon. She lives in another city. I would like to go away for maybe 1 or 2 nights. I am beginning to encourage my husband to leave our son, with my mom - because I am sure he will need a bit of a break. He said no, because of two things : with our son at home, he won't cheat and if he gives him to my mom - I won't believe that he didn't cheat. I am working on it though. Maybe I will spin it, that since I am going on a mini break, he should enjoy himself as well and just take some time off.

The bottom line is that if I want to see if he will cheat, I need to provide the opportunities. I can't keep him on a tight leash forever. I refuse to operate in fear for the rest of my life. So ja. I wish my husband good luck- he has his whole family to gain and only his sin to lose.

Starting weight: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 107.1kgs
Loss: 3.5ksg

Monkey see, Monkey do

My grandfather is a philandering jerk. A minister, who loved women. Throughout my grandmothers life, she watched as they came and went and even brought up a child from one of his affairs. Oh, how her heart must have broke. My father vividly remembers listening to my grandfather plead for forgiveness, only to cheat again.

She was an uneducated woman, who came to the city after living on a farm in her childhood. She met my grandfather and was swept away. She bore him 6 children and raised 1, as if it was her own. She was my dads entire world. She may have been uneducated in academic circles, but she was wise. She was a housewife all her years, with doing some house cleaning every now and then. I wonder what she would say to me now.What would she do, if she knew what I am going through. I grew up constantly thinking that I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. I never wanted to turn out to be like my ma - sad and tired. I would be different...

But here I am at my own crossroads and while I feel the tug to leave (okay violent shove) - I don't want to make the decision out of fear. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I out earn my husband and I do not depend on him for a damn dime. I would be fine...but what about my child?

The other day, my father finally told his dad, what he thought of him. My grandfather now in his 70's doesn't understand why none of his children visit him. My dad explained to him, that he is bearing the fruits of his behaviour. This is the consequences of his actions. His own children didn't want to be around him. I was sad for my granddad. Now alone, paying for his mistakes because at the time - he lived for the moment, with no thought as to what it would mean for his future. He didn't know that children will watch you and learn about life from you. It made me think about my son...

His 5 months old now and I love him more than anything in this entire world. I want whats best for him and I do believe that the best involves him being brought up in a home with his own mommy and daddy. He doesn't deserve a broken family. He should know what its like to see healthy relationships played out. I look at my husband and the fact that he comes from a broken family. I see the links between him seeing his dad with his mistress, finding his dad porn collection and medicating himself with masturbation and pornography since the age of 11. He has never had the opportunity to see what a committed relationship looks like. I don't want that for my son. My husband learnt his behaviour from his dad - monkey see, monkey do apparently. But its time for a change in their generational line. I found this image and it really just captures my attitude - let no evil pass through your eyes, do not listen to the voice calling you to stray, guard your tongue and do not let your hormones and lusty appetites govern you...it will only lead to heartbreak.

I want to make my choices from a place of strength, not fear. I want to reach for the best future for my son - the question is, does the best future include living with his biological dad? Would be without his dad, have the same impact? I heard somewhere that only 23%  of todays kids in my city is brought up in a home where they still have both their parents.I want my son to be part of the 23%...but what at what cost?

What I know for sure, is that this crap will not be passed down to my son. I will not be treated like my grandmother was...this is a game changing generation - we refuse to take what is being handed to us. Father God please help to see what my next move is...

Starting weight:110.6kgs
Current weight: 108.4kgs
Lost:2.2 kgs

Letters to a shmuck

Hey,

21/06/2011

Thank you for this – your emails are eloquent and great and I feel like I am getting to know you more this way.  This is quite a difficult email for me to write, but we can’t move on unless I do.

I am so glad that you want things to be different for XXX and I think your commitment to being a great father is amazing. I believe you can do it, with all my heart. As your relationship grows with your dad and with your heavenly father – you will become the most fabulous dad any child could have.

Last night, you said that I never tell you that I believe that you will be an amazing husband and I thought about it and you’re right and wondered why it’s so hard for me to say it. And here is why:

For 8 years I believed in you completely and totally. My faith and trust in you was without limit – to the extent that you took the place of God in my heart and thought that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I too wish that you had made different choices. I wish that you had chosen me above everyone else…but you didn’t and I now feel foolish and stupid for ever believing that you loved me. I feel hurt and betrayed to think how you lied to me over and over again, while I continued to love you more deeply each day.  I feel ashamed, that I was so blinded by my heart that I couldn’t see what my mind surely must have been recognising – why else would I have been constantly asking you why you love me, touching you all the time –maybe trying to make up for a love that simply wasn’t there. Maybe I thought that if I loved you enough, maybe you would love me more…

I do believe you could be an amazing husband, I am just struggling to believe that you could be an amazing husband to me.  You actively seeked out opportunities to be anything but faithful, committed and loving. When you should have protected us…me, you turned around and along with strangers violated my heart, our bed and our home and you enjoyed doing it. You kissed me, as you hurt me – you said you loved me, as you betrayed me – you looked into my eyes, and told me that I am the only one you wanted and made me feel silly for ever second guessing you. I looked into your eyes and believed every word you said…

And in the end, it broke my heart to know, that you cared so little about me that you would have continued to betray me, if I hadn’t found out. Its only by Gods’ grace, that I found out, when I did. Not because you loved me enough to tell me…

And so here I am…and I still love you and I probably will do so until my dying day, but I really just don’t know if it’s enough. To use your example of the love bank – our piggy bank is not just low on funds. Our relationship currently is facing foreclosure. There is simply no money left. You have failed to meet your obligations consistently and due to your bad credit history, you can no longer be viewed as a viable candidate for even a loan.

So what do we do now? I don’t know…and I hope you are right, when you say God will show us the way forward from here instead of us trying to guess…

What I would like though in the meantime, is for you to stop saying you love me until you know what your love looks like… for the last four years your love said:

·         I will live in the same space with you– but I will always be looking for someone else to share my body with, because you are not enough for me

·         I will do all the husband duties so that you can’t say I don’t look after you – but the moment I feel bored, I will take my attentions elsewhere

·         I will love you, but not enough to care about your feelings – only enough to care about how you affect me

·         I will do whatever I want, until you catch me out

·         I will be committed to you, but for only as long as it suits me

·         I will be faithful to you, but only when no-one else wants me

·         I will say I love you, because that seems to make you happy and words are easy. Don’t expect me to mean it…

·         I will pretend to be perfect for you – as long you don’t expect me to sacrifice anything for you

I find that what your love currently looks like, is not good enough for me. I deserve more than this. It hurts me to hear you say you love me, when I know this is what it means. So take some time out (as much time as you need) and when you think you are ready and prepared to make me a good offer that you can live up to, we can start from there.

------------------------

You just called and I am happy that you are being proactive about getting the polygraph. I really do hope it goes well…

L.

The shame of the Stepford wife

So we're talking about Christmas plans with my parents over the weekend and I suggested we have the family lunch over at our place. I turned to my husband and asked him how many people does he think we can fit into our lounge and he says "Well, remember the birthday dinner you threw me last year? There was about 10 people there" and just like that, I felt foolish all over again.

I remember his birthday... 

I remember that I slaved to make a 3 course meal with assorted side dishes for 10 people. I remember asking my mom for cutlery and crockery, because I didn't have any that was fancy enough. I borrowed linens and tables...and on the night, there I was - warmer on the go, coffee tray in hand - praising him in front of everyone for being such a fantastic husband...

 And now...now I just feel stupid for going all out in front of everyone to make him happy. I feel like an idiot, because while I was planned his birthday party - he most likely planned on registering himself on yet another dating website. 


I sometimes wonder if my single friends saw his dating profiles, but never mentioned it to me:-( 


To add further insult to injury, besides the public humiliation - there is the private shame about how he always acted so possessive about his wedding band and photos of me. He would always pretend to get upset, if I deleted a photo of myself that I didn't like off his phone. He feigned anger, that I was messing with something that was precious to him. He would really go all out. Sputtering about how I am not ever allowed to touch his phone again. That the photos are special. Blah blah blah blah....


Oh and the damn wedding band. He always ensured that he had it on. When he took off for soccer, it would be the first thing he would ask for when we went home.2 days before D day, he told me that it was special to him because it reminded him of me - that same day he spent the night chatting away online. Mmmm, I wonder if he took it off when he made out with that chick after we got married....


Now I can't bear the thought of taking photos with him and he can shove his band. As a matter of fact, I no longer wear my wedding ring, because it has lost all meaning. I cringe at the thought, that we are going to have pose for family pics come Christmas. And if he asks for photos of just the two of us...I don't know. What would be the point? Its not like carrying around photos of me helped him stay faithful - as a matter of fact when he started his last FB relationship, his profile pic was of the two of us together.


I am devastated and embarrassed that I so publicly championed him. He smile and enjoyed it, while betraying me with any harlot he could find...


Well no more. He won't make a fool of me again. He can take his band and shove it and as for photos...well my son better be there, because his the only reason I would be willing to take them!

Fear infested waters

Tomorrow I go back to work after 3 months of maternity leave and all I can say is "THANK YOU GOD", for bringing me through.

My husbands' infidelities came to light when I was 7 months pregnant. The pain and misery would have killed me, but somehow God held me in the palm of His hand and protected me and my unborn son. I was so worried, that the stress would somehow mess up his development - but his a perfect beautiful baby boy. Thank you Jesus.

There were days, when for fleeting moments when I thought it would be easier just to end my life. These thoughts were just as quickly dismissed as I knew my self worth and the worth of my son was far greater than my circumstances. Thank you God.

Moments turned into hours of bitterly crying. I cried and cried until my nose was numb from wiping and my eyes were rung dry. Feeling alone,rejected and unloved, I remembered that He said he would never leave me, nor forsake me - oh how I am so undeserving  Your mercy and grace. I had left to worship at his alter, when I promised You my heart. How great is Thy faithfulness...

I was drowning in fear infested waters and you said, if I trust You...if only I believe - You will bring me through. Fear held me by the ankles and pulled and tugged me under. It nipped at my heels and grazed my belly. Drowning, falling, fading into darkness- you pulled me out - Thank you God.

In the cold depths of my despair, Your Spirit comforted me. Held me close, stroked my hair, said it will be okay,to trust in the plans You have for me. Blinded by my tears, I closed my eyes and listened to Your voice. Oh how sweet the sound....Your Holy Spirit has walked with me and comforted me, reminding me of who I am.  

I am the daughter of the great I AM. 

Sorry Daddy, for neglecting our relationship - Thank for loving me through it all. You heard my prayer and answered my call - without you I am nothing. I was lost and drowning in the inky blackness of the night - You grabbed me around the waist, lifted me up towards the horizon and showed me the coming light. 

Thank God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for all You have done.

Amen.