21/06/2011
Thank you for this – your emails
are eloquent and great and I feel like I am getting to know you more this way.
This is quite a difficult email for me to write, but we can’t move on
unless I do.
I am so glad that you want
things to be different for XXX and I think your commitment to being a great
father is amazing. I believe you can do it, with all my heart. As your
relationship grows with your dad and with your heavenly father – you will become
the most fabulous dad any child could have.
Last night, you said that I
never tell you that I believe that you will be an amazing husband and I thought
about it and you’re right and wondered why it’s so hard for me to say it. And
here is why:
For 8 years I believed in you
completely and totally. My faith and trust in you was without limit – to the
extent that you took the place of God in my heart and thought that you were the
best thing that ever happened to me.
I too wish that you had made
different choices. I wish that you had chosen me above everyone else…but you
didn’t and I now feel foolish and stupid for ever believing that you loved me.
I feel hurt and betrayed to think how you lied to me over and over again, while
I continued to love you more deeply each day. I feel ashamed, that I was
so blinded by my heart that I couldn’t see what my mind surely must have been
recognising – why else would I have been constantly asking you why you love me,
touching you all the time –maybe trying to make up for a love that simply
wasn’t there. Maybe I thought that if I loved you enough, maybe you would love
me more…
I do believe you could be an
amazing husband, I am just struggling to believe that you could be an amazing
husband to me. You actively seeked out opportunities to be anything but
faithful, committed and loving. When you should have protected us…me, you
turned around and along with strangers violated my heart, our bed and our home
and you enjoyed doing it. You kissed me, as you hurt me – you said you loved
me, as you betrayed me – you looked into my eyes, and told me that I am the
only one you wanted and made me feel silly for ever second guessing you. I
looked into your eyes and believed every word you said…
And in the end, it broke my
heart to know, that you cared so little about me that you would have continued
to betray me, if I hadn’t found out. Its only by Gods’ grace, that I found out,
when I did. Not because you loved me enough to tell me…
And so here I am…and I still
love you and I probably will do so until my dying day, but I really just don’t
know if it’s enough. To use your example of the love bank – our piggy bank is
not just low on funds. Our relationship currently is facing foreclosure. There
is simply no money left. You have failed to meet your obligations consistently
and due to your bad credit history, you can no longer be viewed as a viable
candidate for even a loan.
So what do we do now? I don’t
know…and I hope you are right, when you say God will show us the way forward
from here instead of us trying to guess…
What I would like though in the
meantime, is for you to stop saying you love me until you know what your love
looks like… for the last four years your love said:
·
I will live in the
same space with you– but I will always be looking for someone else to share my
body with, because you are not enough for me
·
I will do all the
husband duties so that you can’t say I don’t look after you – but the moment I
feel bored, I will take my attentions elsewhere
·
I will love you, but
not enough to care about your feelings – only enough to care about how you
affect me
·
I will do whatever I
want, until you catch me out
·
I will be committed
to you, but for only as long as it suits me
·
I will be faithful
to you, but only when no-one else wants me
·
I will say I love
you, because that seems to make you happy and words are easy. Don’t expect me
to mean it…
·
I will pretend to be
perfect for you – as long you don’t expect me to sacrifice anything for you
I find that what your love
currently looks like, is not good enough for me. I deserve more than this. It
hurts me to hear you say you love me, when I know this is what it means. So
take some time out (as much time as you need) and when you think you are ready
and prepared to make me a good offer that you can live up to, we can start from
there.
------------------------
You just called and I am happy
that you are being proactive about getting the polygraph. I really do hope it
goes well…
L.
No comments:
Post a Comment