I am losing my shit

It was around this time last year that my world was caving in around me and I am currently losing my shit. I am convinced his cheating on me again.

Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...

This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways

Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.

His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...

I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.

He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:

"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...

I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.

I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.

Im going to go for walk...".

He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...


We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.

arrivederci, goodbye and go well....

Its a new year!!

I can't say goodbye to 2011 fast enough. Its a fabulous feeling to say this happened last year.What a year... the greatest pain and the greatest joy all rolled into one. I often wonder why things happened the way it did. Holding my son in my arms, I now know why. It would have taken the greatest amount of love to counter the greatest amount of hurt. If my son wasn't there, I doubt I would still be married today.

The Christmas season was wonderful and tiring. I looked at my husband and wondered why couldn't he have just kept his d*ck to himself. Christmas day, looking at youngsters running around catching up to no good, the older generation sitting back, talking about how things used to be...watching the the adults laugh together - I wondered why I...we...weren't enough for him. I don't think he even knows the answer...

And now I don't know whether we will survive this year - but what I do know is that God has been good to me! I will not be entrapped in this bondage again. I see my life for what it is and not the masquerade my husband put on for me.

Every day I am rediscovering who I am in this relationship. I read this post on the the betrayed wives club site and its added such value already to how I am going about my life. It said, let go of the things you used to do. All it does it remind you of how things used to be pre discovery and it shows in stark relief what now exists. That's happened to me. The pain and the bitterness is enough swallow me whole. So its time for a change. I am starting with my wedding anniversary.

Hubby and I started dating on the 31st December 2002. We got married on the 1st March 2008. As new year approached this year, I realised that I don't see any reason to celebrate our marriage as I could barely stand the thought of celebrating our relationship. So I told him that our wedding anniversary is off the table. He was concerned, but I don't care. As a matter fact, I am really beginning to like the idea of going away by myself around March, just to take stock of my life.

I am tempted to cut out Valentines Day too, as last year (yeah, that felt good to say) I was sending him public messages of love while he was most likely having online sex with someone else...talking about that. I don't know why, but I keep thinking that he had someone in our house. I was away on business. I came back and the house was spotless and I mean SPOTLESS. When I walked through the door, he hugged me, took my luggage and firmly placed in the middle of our bed...I had been away for two weeks. When I went in for a snuggle, he wasn't interested. I don't know whether to let it go or not. If anything, I have realised, that my gut is generally on point and that the most simple explanation is probably the right one. But what's the point of bringing it up? He has done the worst...perhaps more often than he has let on. But when I took him back, I took him knowing this to probably be true...I guess its just hard to let go.

But here is to the new year. New possibilities and opportunities, new life and new relationship. Thank you God for bringing me through 2011. Help me to rely on you in 2012.  Restore me and my marriage in line with Your will. Nothing is impossible for my God...

Your flirting makes me sick

My husband is flirting with me and it makes me mad...

Let me explain. My porn addict of a husband is the quite unassuming type. The video gamer, who gets excited about blu ray movies and graphic novels. The ultimate geek. I thought I knew him. I thought he wasn't interested in other women, either being to shy, to committed or not interested enough to pursue the other sex.

I was wrong.

The thread that eventually led to the unravelling of our marriage and the discovery of his porn addiction was when I read his conversation thread on Facebook with another woman. At first it seemed innocent enough, but then the conversation went on for hours and took on a decidedly flirty tone. At one point, she exclaims that she doesn't understand why so many men want to talk to her online while she is talking to my husband and he responds by saying that he is willing to stand in line- my low key, unassuming snake of a husband. He goes onto  to say how much he digs her attitude and how much he enjoys their exchanges - I had never seen him before like this. I have never seen him so much as glance at another woman. I have to admit, I knew that his job was undemanding, but I thought he filled in his time playing online games and watching movies (his an IT administrator). I had never seen my husband in action before and OH MY WORD I can only imagine what his other conversations were like, if this was just the beginning.

I have had to change the way I see him. He is a flirt, a charmer - a womanising jerk. He is everything I hoped to avoid. His the proverbial player and I can't stand it. How did I find myself in this position? And now he flirts with me and all it does is remind me that this is how he is with any woman.Slick and sweet. I'm not special, I just happen to be around. He doesn't want to get divorced, but neither does he want to be faithful. He wants it all and by getting it, he has tainted our love. Now his turning on the charm...getting slightly naughty in his insinuations and I just want to gag. I wish I could tell him to stop, but then I think that if he didn't flirt with me, I would be upset because in mind, clearly his tons of sexual energy is being spent somewhere. And maybe if I just push through - one day, he will flirt with me and I will just enjoy it, instead of thinking of every woman he talked this way with.

But for now, I am repulsed. I am not one his women. I am not a slut looking for a quick lay. I need safety in a relationship in order to feel comfortable sexually. I am sleeping with the enemy, which is hard enough - please don't ask me to flirt you in email. I want to scream. I want throw something at him - I want to move out and move on with my life. Isn't there some corny phrase, about setting something free and if it comes back then its meant to be? That's how I feel...I want to set us free. I feel bad because it means that he might miss out on our sons development and plus being a single mom is really tough and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But if I could know for sure, that my son and I would be okay financially. That my husband and son would still have a great bond and my son wouldn't feel like he doesn't have a proper dad, I would leave today.

....

Just do it - cheat already

His wearing a shirt today...


In the middle of this week, when he was super busy and meeting people he wore a dirty t-shirt to work because he see why wearing a clean shirt was better and today is traditionally a very slow day, where he literally just sits in his office and plays games...and today his wearing a nice shirt. I wonder who his trying to impress.


I watch him with his laptop, to see if he quickly clicks out of things whenever I am close...


At night, I sometimes watch him while his sleeping to see if he will give anything away. I wonder if his cheating on me again and it makes me sad that this is what my marriage has come to.


They say it takes 3-4 years to truly get over betrayal, but I don't know if I can hang on for that long. The waiting to see if I can catch him out again, the misery when I realise I will never really know for sure. I am so tired of not knowing, not trusting...I miss the warmth of security.

I have constant dreams, where I catch him cheating again. Mostly his having dinner with a female co-worker after he told me he needs to work late.In my dreams I feel sad, but also surprisingly a strong sense of relief. I guess its because if he cheats, the waiting will be over. I can move on with my life and leave him behind knowing that I did the best I could for our son. There will be no more waiting to see if he lets me down again. There will be no more second guessing when he looks nice for work.I won't have the compulsive need to check where his phone is every time he goes to the bathroom in case his texting someone else. It will just be me and I think I could be really am happy with that.


I have deliberately chosen not to remind him that we have agreed that he will be taking a lie detector test. He will assume that I am beginning to trust him again. I have decided to give him enough rope to hang himself. So I will try to not use his laptop any more and I will stop asking him how his "temptations" are going. We are supposed to have relationship Thursdays where we talk about our relationship - but I won't bring it up any more. The sooner he cheats on me, the sooner I can get on with my life instead of wasting more time on someone who loves me, but apparently doesn't love me enough to stop sleeping around.


If I had money I would pay a woman to strike a relationship with him and tempt him. I really would and if she cracks him within a month- there would even be a bonus...mmmmm I need a hug :-(

Dear asshole

There have been some terrible moments over the last couple of months,  that are so painful I can't even bear to say it out loud...

4.Listening to you, while you were having dream sex with someone else. 

3.Last valentines day, I had to work in a different city. I made such an     idiot out of myself dedicating songs to you over facebook, telling everyone who cared to listen how amazing you were. You called me, to say you loved me to. Realising now that when you put the phone down - you had online sex with someone else.

2.Finally embracing the fact that my husband will cheat, manipulate and lie with no remorse.

But you know what the worst was?

1.Lying alone in my hospital bed,tubes sticking of me- unable to move and softly weeping in the dark - wondering whether you were with your mistress. I had never felt so

ALONE 

and so  

 UNLOVED. 

I will never tell you this, because 

I have my pride.