Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...
This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways
Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.
His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...
I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.
He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:
"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...
I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.
I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.
Im going to go for walk...".
He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...
We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.
