I have been spiralling. I keep looking at Abigails picture like she's a terrorist and I need to find her and destroy her. I can feel the bitterness tighten and tighten deep inside...I joined a chat group, because I was convinced that my husband was on it. This time I didn't punk out and got the guy to send me his picture...definitely not my husband...I felt so shitty about it that I explained that I am in fact not looking for someone to hookup with and that I thought he was my husband blah blah blah I am so sorry etc etc...I then kept on apologising like a crazy woman and I wondered why? Why couldn't I just delete the account..and then I realised its because he was paying me attention and it was dangerous. I soaked it up like a sun starved eskimo and it put me in a tailspin. I apologised one more time like a stuck record and then I went for a drive.What the hell was I doing - up to now my hands have been clean, I struck up a report with internet guy in hopes of revealing my husband, but now that I knew it wasn't him - I was in quicksand, liable to lose the moral high ground.
I wondered what wrong in my relationship with my husband - why do I keep thinking his cheating on me still? Why do I keep going round and round in circles...and I realised its because my husband is not showing me love the way I need him to. His not speaking my language. I desperately need him to be overwhelming passionate about me. I need him to TELL ME how much he cares, how much I mean to him. He has words for all these other woman, but no words for me. He buys me things and does things to show me that he cares, but I don't want things - all I want is him. I want him to share himself with me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me that I am his universe and that he would be lost without me. I want him to passionately declare himself to me and court me all over again and thats exactly what I told him...he then got angry with me. I told him that I feel rejected and unloved and he said how is it possible, when he does so many things for me...I said I appreciate all that his done, but its not what I need. Its not enough -
He was angry with me, because I needed him to speak to me...he says I keep changing things and that I am always finding something wrong with him.
That was on Thursday...on Saturday we had a shouting match. I told him that he has all these words, for all his women but he has none for me. He shouted that he would have said anything to sleep with them and I told him that his not getting the point. I don't care what he told them...what I care about is that he had a commnuication plan for these women. He wanted them and he went after them- Where is my plan? Why can't he tell me things, when he obviously has no problem talking to women...where is his passionate persuit of me? Its not enough that he does things, I need him to talk to me. We shouted at each for the next 20 minutes - me begging him to understand what I need, and him defensive what he percieved as a critism and not a cry for help. He told me that I need put my self in his shoes and understand he is has been trying and how must he feel when his been doing all these things...he even said, that maybe he should stop making me breakfast and do this instead. And thats when I finally understood - I understood that maybe I am asking him to do something that he doesn't feel. I am asking him to be passionate about me, but he can't be because thats not how he feels. He hides behind doing things like doing all the chores, making me breakfast...its all stuff, but never him.
I asked him to think about how he loves me. Does he love me like a lover or like a friend.
Its our engagement all over again. I have always felt that I pushed him into it - and to this day he says I didn't. I remember issuing an ultimatum and funny enough after he proposed - maybe two/three weeks later he found himself a prostitute. Maybe I should have just let go...and here I am again, but I won't make the same mistake twice...
I told him that I have one more thing to say and this will be end of it - I want him to note and remember that there once was a time in our marriage when I fought and begged him to share himself with me. He apologised for shouting and then that was it. He surprised me with ice-cream later. I would have been happier with a hug. Argument over.
Yesterday I went for a drive to sea and I watched a small little bird battle against the winds. Her wings pumped furiously, trying to make headway - but she stayed on exactly the same spot. She kept on trying, but the winds were to strong. Didn't she know that she was fighting against something bigger than her? Maybe she should just stop and wait for the winds to die down and try again.
I don't want to have to fight with my husband to get him to love me.
p.s. I deleted the account with internet guy - even now when things are not looking good - my marriage won't fail because I didn't try my best.
Showing posts with label how to end a marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how to end a marriage. Show all posts
Monday, 22 October 2012
Monday, 16 April 2012
I am losing my shit
It was around this time last year that my world was caving in around me and I am currently losing my shit. I am convinced his cheating on me again.
Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...
This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways
Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.
His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...
I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.
He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:
"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...
I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.
I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.
Im going to go for walk...".
He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...
We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.
Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...
This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways
Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.
His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...
I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.
He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:
"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...
I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.
I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.
Im going to go for walk...".
He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...
We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
One in a million
Apprehensive at the thought about our first post discovery valentines day, I caught myself thinking about our very first valentines day.
His family had gone out of the city to visit family and he told me that wouldn't be here, but he loved me. I was little sad, but looking forward to the phonecall...those phonecalls was the axis that my world turned around...anyways, he calls and tells me that he loves and suddenly the door bell rang and there he was - a shoprite teddy bear, fake rose and mug in hand. One those cheap gift sets that sold for more than it was worth and I loved it. There was no valentines day in the recent years - I remember the last one, when I scattered little heart notes all around the flat, each with a reason on why I loved him. He barely looked at them. And then we just didn't celebrate it anymore.
He swore he loved me...cried heartbreakingly when I asked him to leave. Where was this love, when he kissed another woman...when he carressed someone else. I asked him never to tell me that he loved me again - will he try on valentines day? I will try not to think about the fact that last year valentines day, he spent the day on dating websites while I planted all over facebook that I loved him. I will try not to remember how hard it was for him to plan something for me, when he barely spared a thought at putting in leave to be his girlfriend...I will try to remember the time he sang a "One in a Million" for me...how we sat outside fancy restaurants eating schwarma on a bench, because neither of knew what that booking was important back then. We didn't care though, because we were just excited to be next to each. I will try to remember, the first time he told me loved me and the softness in eyes when he said it. I will try....
His family had gone out of the city to visit family and he told me that wouldn't be here, but he loved me. I was little sad, but looking forward to the phonecall...those phonecalls was the axis that my world turned around...anyways, he calls and tells me that he loves and suddenly the door bell rang and there he was - a shoprite teddy bear, fake rose and mug in hand. One those cheap gift sets that sold for more than it was worth and I loved it. There was no valentines day in the recent years - I remember the last one, when I scattered little heart notes all around the flat, each with a reason on why I loved him. He barely looked at them. And then we just didn't celebrate it anymore.
He swore he loved me...cried heartbreakingly when I asked him to leave. Where was this love, when he kissed another woman...when he carressed someone else. I asked him never to tell me that he loved me again - will he try on valentines day? I will try not to think about the fact that last year valentines day, he spent the day on dating websites while I planted all over facebook that I loved him. I will try not to remember how hard it was for him to plan something for me, when he barely spared a thought at putting in leave to be his girlfriend...I will try to remember the time he sang a "One in a Million" for me...how we sat outside fancy restaurants eating schwarma on a bench, because neither of knew what that booking was important back then. We didn't care though, because we were just excited to be next to each. I will try to remember, the first time he told me loved me and the softness in eyes when he said it. I will try....
Sunday, 8 January 2012
He cheated on valentines day
I found his username today...the name his been using for all his online activities. All I had to do was google it and...site after site...post after post came up. At first it really confirmed for me that my husband has a problem. But then I noticed that a couple of posts were made on valentines day last year. Want to know what I was doing last year? I had to travel for work... I publicly sent him messages of love on facebook. I dedicated a love song to him. I stood waiting by the phone, because I didn't want to miss his call. Told him I missed him and that I couldn't wait to get home to him.
I always thought it was dysfunctional to believe, that it is better to be in a relationship where the other person loves you more than you love them. But now...now I see...I have been loving him for so long, when he hasn't loved me the same. Maybe liked...maybe even liked alot...but not love. What kind of love humiliates and degrades like this...what kind of love smiles and holds me,while emailing tons of women looking for sex.
Sometimes when I am feeling gracious I remind myself, that I too have flirted and have had my share of crushes...but its nothing like this. Not the length, width or breadth of it...
He didn't want to celebrate valentines day because our wedding anniversary was the 1st March and he said he didn't have enough money to celebrate both. I understood and wholeheartedly agreed. Now...now it looks like valentines day just didn't mean a damn thing and he simply didn't care.
A long time ago, I asked him to stop telling me he loved me, because he didn't understand the meaning of the word. Lately I thought that perhaps I am to harsh, but after all I have seen- I realise I am right and I am one step closer to divorce. Who wants to be with someone who can only be faithful if you're same room with them? Who wants to be in a marriage, where you love your partner more than they love you? My mother once told me, never to give something precious over to someone who did not understand the value of it. They would merely treat as garbage. "Never throw pearls before swine" was her exact words.Is my heart not precious. Am I not precious? One thing for sure - his a pig and doesn't deserve me.
I am more sure now than ever, that he has had sex with more women than what he has let on. I am not convinced that he has stopped visiting sites. I have no proof. But something told me, something was wrong before. I feel that way now...I could ask him, but he lies straight to my face and sometimes even with a smile - so what would be the point. I am no match for him. Maybe if we got divorced, we could start again...later, when he has done and explored all that he needs to explore.
I feel foolish and stupid. What am I going to do?
I always thought it was dysfunctional to believe, that it is better to be in a relationship where the other person loves you more than you love them. But now...now I see...I have been loving him for so long, when he hasn't loved me the same. Maybe liked...maybe even liked alot...but not love. What kind of love humiliates and degrades like this...what kind of love smiles and holds me,while emailing tons of women looking for sex.
Sometimes when I am feeling gracious I remind myself, that I too have flirted and have had my share of crushes...but its nothing like this. Not the length, width or breadth of it...
He didn't want to celebrate valentines day because our wedding anniversary was the 1st March and he said he didn't have enough money to celebrate both. I understood and wholeheartedly agreed. Now...now it looks like valentines day just didn't mean a damn thing and he simply didn't care.
A long time ago, I asked him to stop telling me he loved me, because he didn't understand the meaning of the word. Lately I thought that perhaps I am to harsh, but after all I have seen- I realise I am right and I am one step closer to divorce. Who wants to be with someone who can only be faithful if you're same room with them? Who wants to be in a marriage, where you love your partner more than they love you? My mother once told me, never to give something precious over to someone who did not understand the value of it. They would merely treat as garbage. "Never throw pearls before swine" was her exact words.Is my heart not precious. Am I not precious? One thing for sure - his a pig and doesn't deserve me.
I am more sure now than ever, that he has had sex with more women than what he has let on. I am not convinced that he has stopped visiting sites. I have no proof. But something told me, something was wrong before. I feel that way now...I could ask him, but he lies straight to my face and sometimes even with a smile - so what would be the point. I am no match for him. Maybe if we got divorced, we could start again...later, when he has done and explored all that he needs to explore.
I feel foolish and stupid. What am I going to do?
Thursday, 5 January 2012
arrivederci, goodbye and go well....
Its a new year!!
I can't say goodbye to 2011 fast enough. Its a fabulous feeling to say this happened last year.What a year... the greatest pain and the greatest joy all rolled into one. I often wonder why things happened the way it did. Holding my son in my arms, I now know why. It would have taken the greatest amount of love to counter the greatest amount of hurt. If my son wasn't there, I doubt I would still be married today.
The Christmas season was wonderful and tiring. I looked at my husband and wondered why couldn't he have just kept his d*ck to himself. Christmas day, looking at youngsters running around catching up to no good, the older generation sitting back, talking about how things used to be...watching the the adults laugh together - I wondered why I...we...weren't enough for him. I don't think he even knows the answer...
And now I don't know whether we will survive this year - but what I do know is that God has been good to me! I will not be entrapped in this bondage again. I see my life for what it is and not the masquerade my husband put on for me.
Every day I am rediscovering who I am in this relationship. I read this post on the the betrayed wives club site and its added such value already to how I am going about my life. It said, let go of the things you used to do. All it does it remind you of how things used to be pre discovery and it shows in stark relief what now exists. That's happened to me. The pain and the bitterness is enough swallow me whole. So its time for a change. I am starting with my wedding anniversary.
Hubby and I started dating on the 31st December 2002. We got married on the 1st March 2008. As new year approached this year, I realised that I don't see any reason to celebrate our marriage as I could barely stand the thought of celebrating our relationship. So I told him that our wedding anniversary is off the table. He was concerned, but I don't care. As a matter fact, I am really beginning to like the idea of going away by myself around March, just to take stock of my life.
I am tempted to cut out Valentines Day too, as last year (yeah, that felt good to say) I was sending him public messages of love while he was most likely having online sex with someone else...talking about that. I don't know why, but I keep thinking that he had someone in our house. I was away on business. I came back and the house was spotless and I mean SPOTLESS. When I walked through the door, he hugged me, took my luggage and firmly placed in the middle of our bed...I had been away for two weeks. When I went in for a snuggle, he wasn't interested. I don't know whether to let it go or not. If anything, I have realised, that my gut is generally on point and that the most simple explanation is probably the right one. But what's the point of bringing it up? He has done the worst...perhaps more often than he has let on. But when I took him back, I took him knowing this to probably be true...I guess its just hard to let go.
But here is to the new year. New possibilities and opportunities, new life and new relationship. Thank you God for bringing me through 2011. Help me to rely on you in 2012. Restore me and my marriage in line with Your will. Nothing is impossible for my God...
I can't say goodbye to 2011 fast enough. Its a fabulous feeling to say this happened last year.What a year... the greatest pain and the greatest joy all rolled into one. I often wonder why things happened the way it did. Holding my son in my arms, I now know why. It would have taken the greatest amount of love to counter the greatest amount of hurt. If my son wasn't there, I doubt I would still be married today.
The Christmas season was wonderful and tiring. I looked at my husband and wondered why couldn't he have just kept his d*ck to himself. Christmas day, looking at youngsters running around catching up to no good, the older generation sitting back, talking about how things used to be...watching the the adults laugh together - I wondered why I...we...weren't enough for him. I don't think he even knows the answer...
And now I don't know whether we will survive this year - but what I do know is that God has been good to me! I will not be entrapped in this bondage again. I see my life for what it is and not the masquerade my husband put on for me.
Every day I am rediscovering who I am in this relationship. I read this post on the the betrayed wives club site and its added such value already to how I am going about my life. It said, let go of the things you used to do. All it does it remind you of how things used to be pre discovery and it shows in stark relief what now exists. That's happened to me. The pain and the bitterness is enough swallow me whole. So its time for a change. I am starting with my wedding anniversary.
Hubby and I started dating on the 31st December 2002. We got married on the 1st March 2008. As new year approached this year, I realised that I don't see any reason to celebrate our marriage as I could barely stand the thought of celebrating our relationship. So I told him that our wedding anniversary is off the table. He was concerned, but I don't care. As a matter fact, I am really beginning to like the idea of going away by myself around March, just to take stock of my life.
I am tempted to cut out Valentines Day too, as last year (yeah, that felt good to say) I was sending him public messages of love while he was most likely having online sex with someone else...talking about that. I don't know why, but I keep thinking that he had someone in our house. I was away on business. I came back and the house was spotless and I mean SPOTLESS. When I walked through the door, he hugged me, took my luggage and firmly placed in the middle of our bed...I had been away for two weeks. When I went in for a snuggle, he wasn't interested. I don't know whether to let it go or not. If anything, I have realised, that my gut is generally on point and that the most simple explanation is probably the right one. But what's the point of bringing it up? He has done the worst...perhaps more often than he has let on. But when I took him back, I took him knowing this to probably be true...I guess its just hard to let go.
But here is to the new year. New possibilities and opportunities, new life and new relationship. Thank you God for bringing me through 2011. Help me to rely on you in 2012. Restore me and my marriage in line with Your will. Nothing is impossible for my God...
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
The other man...
Every now and then, I find myself wondering into dangerous territory. You see, I have started noticing this other guy...
I found myself looking (okay staring) at him and wondering how different my life would have been if I had married him instead. We're so alike, we have so much in common and his pretty good looking to boot. In a different world, I can really see myself having relationship with this guy and I imagine it would have been wonderful. I feel so guilty about how I am feeling. I know that in life, we will all meet people that could have been our spouses - but I wish I could just turn it off for a little bit. I feel like its messing with my intent to be as objective as possible, when it comes to waiting to see where my marriage will go. When I think of him and new possibilities, I am filled with...longing for something less complicated that what I have now. I want something trauma free, where I can just be myself again. A new man presents that opportunity. I bet he wouldn't expose me to STD's...he wouldn't give himself away to as many women as possible, while I wait for him at home. I bet I could trust him...
So now I am playing cat and mouse with myself. When I catch myself thinking of him, I deliberately change my track of thought. This morning, I thought that maybe if I journal about it, it would make it easier. I don't want to think about other men and yet its soooo hard when I consider what my life would be like without my traitorous husband by my side. I just want to start over. I want to divorce and see what happens. Would we still want to be with each other? Would my then ex-husband return to form and having tons of sex with numerous women? And if what if he did? Surely, it would be good, because whatever we do when we're apart would be testimony to whats really in our hearts. If we got divorced, I wouldn't be going around offering myself to strange men. I want to know who he would be, without the constraints of marriage - because thats my husband in his true form and I need to know who that man is...
I know they say the reason why the grass is greener on the other side, is because there is more shit - but seriously, the other side of fence is looking pretty good to me. It couldn't possibly be any worse than the crap I am wading in now. Maybe, just maybe, the grass is looking greener on the side, because IT IS GREENER.
To make matters, I am starting to have flashbacks of my favourite "scenes" from M&B books. Its my sex showreel of hot and heavy stuff. I try to change track when it comes up, but its getting harder and harder. Last night was a little tough. I allowed it float in my conscience to long and then I struggled to get rid of it. It called to me to relax, close my eyes and get swept away. My husband and I haven't had sex in maybe a week - maybe thats the problem. I have found that when my hubby and I don't regularly have sex, the temptation gets a lot stronger.
Lord, protect my eyes and thoughts. The temptation is strong and I don't know what to do...
I found myself looking (okay staring) at him and wondering how different my life would have been if I had married him instead. We're so alike, we have so much in common and his pretty good looking to boot. In a different world, I can really see myself having relationship with this guy and I imagine it would have been wonderful. I feel so guilty about how I am feeling. I know that in life, we will all meet people that could have been our spouses - but I wish I could just turn it off for a little bit. I feel like its messing with my intent to be as objective as possible, when it comes to waiting to see where my marriage will go. When I think of him and new possibilities, I am filled with...longing for something less complicated that what I have now. I want something trauma free, where I can just be myself again. A new man presents that opportunity. I bet he wouldn't expose me to STD's...he wouldn't give himself away to as many women as possible, while I wait for him at home. I bet I could trust him...
So now I am playing cat and mouse with myself. When I catch myself thinking of him, I deliberately change my track of thought. This morning, I thought that maybe if I journal about it, it would make it easier. I don't want to think about other men and yet its soooo hard when I consider what my life would be like without my traitorous husband by my side. I just want to start over. I want to divorce and see what happens. Would we still want to be with each other? Would my then ex-husband return to form and having tons of sex with numerous women? And if what if he did? Surely, it would be good, because whatever we do when we're apart would be testimony to whats really in our hearts. If we got divorced, I wouldn't be going around offering myself to strange men. I want to know who he would be, without the constraints of marriage - because thats my husband in his true form and I need to know who that man is...
I know they say the reason why the grass is greener on the other side, is because there is more shit - but seriously, the other side of fence is looking pretty good to me. It couldn't possibly be any worse than the crap I am wading in now. Maybe, just maybe, the grass is looking greener on the side, because IT IS GREENER.
To make matters, I am starting to have flashbacks of my favourite "scenes" from M&B books. Its my sex showreel of hot and heavy stuff. I try to change track when it comes up, but its getting harder and harder. Last night was a little tough. I allowed it float in my conscience to long and then I struggled to get rid of it. It called to me to relax, close my eyes and get swept away. My husband and I haven't had sex in maybe a week - maybe thats the problem. I have found that when my hubby and I don't regularly have sex, the temptation gets a lot stronger.
Lord, protect my eyes and thoughts. The temptation is strong and I don't know what to do...
Friday, 25 November 2011
To hot to last
My husband took me out on a really great date night. A movie and an awesome restaurant afterwards. It cost him a bomb and it should have been really great night.We watched Breaking Dawn and of course I cried.... I was fine until the wedding scene (BTW whats up with Jacob taking off his shirt in the first 10 seconds of the movie?). As I watched them get married and seeing Edward so absolutely besotted with Bella, I kept thinking - it must be nice, to be loved like that...
I didn't plan on crying, it just kinda happened. I felt so pathetic. Tears sliding down my cheeks, while my husband held my hand in the dark theatre, teenage girls screaming every time Jacob came on. I felt so alone :-(
This seems to be a continuous struggle for me. I need to understand what does realistic love look like, because it kills me that my husband doesn't seem to love me with the intensity I want. Or does that intensity only belong to dysfunctional crazy relationships? I want to be swept away and held tight. I want to know that my husband would go crazy if he didn't have me - I want that forever, you are my soul mate, no one else will do, kinda love. But is that realistic? I didn't think so before, but maybe its because I made excuses for him...
I want to know without a doubt that my husband wants only me and yet I know that its human nature to always be wondering about others. I want him to love me with such intensity that he only wants to be around me, but I believe the official term for that is stalker. I grew up reading Mills and Boon books and that's what I wanted - to be swept up and away, but now it seems significant that there was never a behind the scenes look at marriage. After he kissed her breathless, did he take out his cellphone and play games? After a passionate night, did he check his online dating profile in case anyone responded to his post. Is the kind of love I want, to hot to last? I always loved the way men, looked at women on their covers. Such focus and passion. In that kiss only she exists for him...
Mills and Boon taught me that love looks a certain way and now that I have grown up, I feel cheated. I thought my marriage would be one continuous M&B story. I thought I was getting Edward Cullin, instead I got the cheating philandering asshole on the Wedding Singer.
Am I being foolish for wanting Ralph Fiennes from the English Patient? I would even be happy with Ewan Mcgregor from Moulin Rouge. I just want to be truly wonderfully wanted by husband again Mills and Boon style, is that to much to ask for?
I didn't plan on crying, it just kinda happened. I felt so pathetic. Tears sliding down my cheeks, while my husband held my hand in the dark theatre, teenage girls screaming every time Jacob came on. I felt so alone :-(
This seems to be a continuous struggle for me. I need to understand what does realistic love look like, because it kills me that my husband doesn't seem to love me with the intensity I want. Or does that intensity only belong to dysfunctional crazy relationships? I want to be swept away and held tight. I want to know that my husband would go crazy if he didn't have me - I want that forever, you are my soul mate, no one else will do, kinda love. But is that realistic? I didn't think so before, but maybe its because I made excuses for him...
I want to know without a doubt that my husband wants only me and yet I know that its human nature to always be wondering about others. I want him to love me with such intensity that he only wants to be around me, but I believe the official term for that is stalker. I grew up reading Mills and Boon books and that's what I wanted - to be swept up and away, but now it seems significant that there was never a behind the scenes look at marriage. After he kissed her breathless, did he take out his cellphone and play games? After a passionate night, did he check his online dating profile in case anyone responded to his post. Is the kind of love I want, to hot to last? I always loved the way men, looked at women on their covers. Such focus and passion. In that kiss only she exists for him...
Mills and Boon taught me that love looks a certain way and now that I have grown up, I feel cheated. I thought my marriage would be one continuous M&B story. I thought I was getting Edward Cullin, instead I got the cheating philandering asshole on the Wedding Singer.
Am I being foolish for wanting Ralph Fiennes from the English Patient? I would even be happy with Ewan Mcgregor from Moulin Rouge. I just want to be truly wonderfully wanted by husband again Mills and Boon style, is that to much to ask for?
Monday, 21 November 2011
When freedom calls...
One good thing (at least I think its good), that has come out of this ball of crap was that I have rediscovered my independence. I foolishly and so willingly gave it up when I got married. It wasn't a conscious choice...I just found that I slowly and quite happily started thinking in terms of "us" and "we". Dreams that didn't include my husband was shelved to gather dust. Hopes that my husband wasn't excited about, were tucked away into the section called "its not that important"...well, the chickens have come home to roost and I am dusting off my dreams and displaying my hopes, under the banner "Hahaha, I'm back sucker"
Its a funny thing that happens when you face the serious possibility of divorce- suddenly your hearts yearning that was dampened down by marital commitment shows its itself in a ray of hope.Your heart beats faster, you're excited about the possibility even though it comes at such a great cost. Its something to look forward to, in mire of your relationship. In the quiet moments when you wonder what the future holds, you allow your dreams to run riot as suddenly possibilities seem endless. In that moment, the truth of what you compromised starkly comes to life...my husband dreamed about furthering his experiences with women, and I dreamed travelling.
I dreamed of lands I had never seen - a couple of years ago I was fortunate enough to tour Asia with my parents. It was FANTASTIC. Seeing different cultures and different ways of living was mind blowing. Strolling through Hong Kong at night, watching soon to be brides twirl in wedding gowns in store windows - visiting temples and smelling roasting cashew nuts in Singapore...just thinking about it now brings a calmness to my spirit. Philippines and Kuala Lumper, where I surprising look like the locals LOL The smells and sights were wonders to behold. I could spend my life travelling and I gave it up because he didn't want to. I want to go to India and Morocco. Spain and Sicily...instead my enthusiasm was met with frowns and explanations of why it would be bad idea to go. We didn't even have a child then. There was nothing holding us back- but somehow it was to much of an issue. What he wanted was more important....
So I thought fine, maybe his just a bit of a homebody. Not everybody wants to travel. Maybe we can do local things...try different markets, restaurants - go for drives and explore our own country...but no, that wasn't okay either. There was always something better to do, even if that something was nothing. He sat there glued to his laptop day after day.... what I wanted wasn't important.
I was always the last on his list
But now things are different and I have changed. No longer, will I let my life pass me by. Before my grandmother passed away, she said that the one thing she regretted was sitting and watching while life passed her by. Thats not going to happen to me. There has been a shift of power in our relationship and I am using it to build the future I want. I want to travel and I want a better life - I am tired of being ok with living from month to month. Its amazing the change in him and makes me sad that its happened this way. All I did was mention once, post D Day that I want to go to Spain - the next time we chatted he had researched affordable ways to get there and tour. He had checked out other local travelling destinations as well, just in case I wanted to holiday soon. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, suddenly money wasn't a massive insurmountable problem anymore. Where was this man, when I day dreamed of saffron and far away markets? Was he really that selfish once...
Now his pointing out new restaurants we absolutely have to try. I mention that we should join a hiking group to get more exercise and his excited. Everything is yes, sure, why not...and I really appreciate the effort his making. I could live with this man. The question is, whether this is a temporary façade or genuine change? Do I need to waste another 8 years of my life, trying to find that out? Either way, I have decided that I am not going back to the way it was. My dreams and hopes are important, and I won't so foolishly stow it away ever again.
Its a funny thing that happens when you face the serious possibility of divorce- suddenly your hearts yearning that was dampened down by marital commitment shows its itself in a ray of hope.Your heart beats faster, you're excited about the possibility even though it comes at such a great cost. Its something to look forward to, in mire of your relationship. In the quiet moments when you wonder what the future holds, you allow your dreams to run riot as suddenly possibilities seem endless. In that moment, the truth of what you compromised starkly comes to life...my husband dreamed about furthering his experiences with women, and I dreamed travelling.
I dreamed of lands I had never seen - a couple of years ago I was fortunate enough to tour Asia with my parents. It was FANTASTIC. Seeing different cultures and different ways of living was mind blowing. Strolling through Hong Kong at night, watching soon to be brides twirl in wedding gowns in store windows - visiting temples and smelling roasting cashew nuts in Singapore...just thinking about it now brings a calmness to my spirit. Philippines and Kuala Lumper, where I surprising look like the locals LOL The smells and sights were wonders to behold. I could spend my life travelling and I gave it up because he didn't want to. I want to go to India and Morocco. Spain and Sicily...instead my enthusiasm was met with frowns and explanations of why it would be bad idea to go. We didn't even have a child then. There was nothing holding us back- but somehow it was to much of an issue. What he wanted was more important....
So I thought fine, maybe his just a bit of a homebody. Not everybody wants to travel. Maybe we can do local things...try different markets, restaurants - go for drives and explore our own country...but no, that wasn't okay either. There was always something better to do, even if that something was nothing. He sat there glued to his laptop day after day.... what I wanted wasn't important.
I was always the last on his list
But now things are different and I have changed. No longer, will I let my life pass me by. Before my grandmother passed away, she said that the one thing she regretted was sitting and watching while life passed her by. Thats not going to happen to me. There has been a shift of power in our relationship and I am using it to build the future I want. I want to travel and I want a better life - I am tired of being ok with living from month to month. Its amazing the change in him and makes me sad that its happened this way. All I did was mention once, post D Day that I want to go to Spain - the next time we chatted he had researched affordable ways to get there and tour. He had checked out other local travelling destinations as well, just in case I wanted to holiday soon. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, suddenly money wasn't a massive insurmountable problem anymore. Where was this man, when I day dreamed of saffron and far away markets? Was he really that selfish once...
Now his pointing out new restaurants we absolutely have to try. I mention that we should join a hiking group to get more exercise and his excited. Everything is yes, sure, why not...and I really appreciate the effort his making. I could live with this man. The question is, whether this is a temporary façade or genuine change? Do I need to waste another 8 years of my life, trying to find that out? Either way, I have decided that I am not going back to the way it was. My dreams and hopes are important, and I won't so foolishly stow it away ever again.
Friday, 18 November 2011
Sex after infidelity
Sex after infidelity...this must be the most confusing thing after discovering your partner is a unfaithful shmuck.
I have done so many searches on "when to have sex, after you find out your partner is a porn addict" or "when do you know the time is right to have sex after discovering an affair?' and there are no answers. But what I do know, is that sex after discovering infidelity is an insane roller-coaster ride.
There seems to be a couple of phases involved.
I have done so many searches on "when to have sex, after you find out your partner is a porn addict" or "when do you know the time is right to have sex after discovering an affair?' and there are no answers. But what I do know, is that sex after discovering infidelity is an insane roller-coaster ride.
There seems to be a couple of phases involved.
PHASE ONE: DON'T TOUCH ME!!
After finding out that his arms had been around someone else. That his lips has touched another, it was excruciating to have him even hold my hand. When he tried to kiss me, all I could think of was whether he had kissed her like this. If he had held her tightly...if he looked into her eyes as he caressed her face. I couldn't bear it. It all felt...wrong. I cringed at his touch - all it did was remind me of what he did with other women. It broke me, to know he had shared something so special to me - with any woman who he could get into bed with. His touches, his smile and kisses were no longer mine. Instead they belonged to the world...to strangers that he didn't even love.
PHASE TWO: HYSTERICAL BONDING
Hands down the best sex we have had in a looong time. I don't why my feelings shifted, but suddenly I was up for anything and everything. It was intense. The kind of sex you see in movies and wish you that your husband was that connected with you. During this period we had more sex, than we had in the last couple of months combined. Twice a day is a mile away from once every month or so. And it was always face to face. Somehow, any other position just seemed to disconnect us. Apparently dysfunctional sex=hot sex. Afterwards I always felt as if I let myself down. How could I do this with a man, who a couple of days before was trying to get into someone else's pants. Did I have no self respect? After the adrenaline faded, this turned into....
PHASE THREE: CRYING SEX
You know you are messed up when you cry during sex. And not a "this is wonderful and I am so happy cry" - I am talking about tears rolling down your cheeks as your throat closes with heartbreak kind of cry. The kind of cry, when pain seems to vibrate through your entire being and no words could possibly express how you feel. Questions and wondering whether he tried this position with her - was she better then me? Did he learn how to move that way with her? How could he have shared this with someone else? Wasn't I good enough? Does he compare her to me? I once asked him, if he prefers doing it from the back, because then he didn't have to see my face and could imagine someone else. He said no...but I didn't believe him.
The other day I cried again. I wasn't expecting it. I suddenly felt warmth creep out of the corners of my eyes and splash on my ears. He stopped and asked if I was okay. I answered him with a kiss, trying to convey that I love him, but I am sad. That its okay...it will be okay. I kissed him with all the passion I had, but in all honesty there were moments when it almost felt like I was saying goodbye. I don't know where it came from - maybe its because I am tired of being tired of the all that has happened. Maybe my unconscious self knows something I am yet to discover in my awake state. He hasn't tried again since then, and I don't blame him. Who wants to have sex with someone who might cry half way through it?
PHASE FOUR: LETS TRY AGAIN
When I am not crying or fuelled with an serious urge to copulate, it feels like we're committing to each other all over again. We have promised that we will only share sexual activities with each other, as we both suffer from porn addiction. So no self-gratification, no looking at sexual material or fantasising unless its about your partner. This has dramatically improved our love life. Because there is no other outlet, we turn to each other and it has helped to bond us emotionally and physically all over again.
These phases don't seem to be static. I go back and forth between them and right now I feel like I am back to crying again. With the possibility of divorce seriously weighing on my mind, it tinges everything with bitter sweetness. His trying so hard, but it may not be enough...in the meantime I have given myself permission to feel the way I do. Sometimes I feel bad, because one day I am totally up for it and the next week I am hesitant to even kiss him. I don't mean to send conflicting messages, this is just how I feel and I am trying to be okay with that. This is just part of the price that we have to pay I guess...
Friday, 11 November 2011
Just do it - cheat already
His wearing a shirt today...
In the middle of this week, when he was super busy and meeting people he wore a dirty t-shirt to work because he see why wearing a clean shirt was better and today is traditionally a very slow day, where he literally just sits in his office and plays games...and today his wearing a nice shirt. I wonder who his trying to impress.
I watch him with his laptop, to see if he quickly clicks out of things whenever I am close...
At night, I sometimes watch him while his sleeping to see if he will give anything away. I wonder if his cheating on me again and it makes me sad that this is what my marriage has come to.
They say it takes 3-4 years to truly get over betrayal, but I don't know if I can hang on for that long. The waiting to see if I can catch him out again, the misery when I realise I will never really know for sure. I am so tired of not knowing, not trusting...I miss the warmth of security.
I have constant dreams, where I catch him cheating again. Mostly his having dinner with a female co-worker after he told me he needs to work late.In my dreams I feel sad, but also surprisingly a strong sense of relief. I guess its because if he cheats, the waiting will be over. I can move on with my life and leave him behind knowing that I did the best I could for our son. There will be no more waiting to see if he lets me down again. There will be no more second guessing when he looks nice for work.I won't have the compulsive need to check where his phone is every time he goes to the bathroom in case his texting someone else. It will just be me and I think I could be really am happy with that.
I have deliberately chosen not to remind him that we have agreed that he will be taking a lie detector test. He will assume that I am beginning to trust him again. I have decided to give him enough rope to hang himself. So I will try to not use his laptop any more and I will stop asking him how his "temptations" are going. We are supposed to have relationship Thursdays where we talk about our relationship - but I won't bring it up any more. The sooner he cheats on me, the sooner I can get on with my life instead of wasting more time on someone who loves me, but apparently doesn't love me enough to stop sleeping around.
If I had money I would pay a woman to strike a relationship with him and tempt him. I really would and if she cracks him within a month- there would even be a bonus...mmmmm I need a hug :-(
In the middle of this week, when he was super busy and meeting people he wore a dirty t-shirt to work because he see why wearing a clean shirt was better and today is traditionally a very slow day, where he literally just sits in his office and plays games...and today his wearing a nice shirt. I wonder who his trying to impress.
I watch him with his laptop, to see if he quickly clicks out of things whenever I am close...
At night, I sometimes watch him while his sleeping to see if he will give anything away. I wonder if his cheating on me again and it makes me sad that this is what my marriage has come to.
They say it takes 3-4 years to truly get over betrayal, but I don't know if I can hang on for that long. The waiting to see if I can catch him out again, the misery when I realise I will never really know for sure. I am so tired of not knowing, not trusting...I miss the warmth of security.
I have deliberately chosen not to remind him that we have agreed that he will be taking a lie detector test. He will assume that I am beginning to trust him again. I have decided to give him enough rope to hang himself. So I will try to not use his laptop any more and I will stop asking him how his "temptations" are going. We are supposed to have relationship Thursdays where we talk about our relationship - but I won't bring it up any more. The sooner he cheats on me, the sooner I can get on with my life instead of wasting more time on someone who loves me, but apparently doesn't love me enough to stop sleeping around.
If I had money I would pay a woman to strike a relationship with him and tempt him. I really would and if she cracks him within a month- there would even be a bonus...mmmmm I need a hug :-(
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
My Gethsemane
Can you be happy in a marriage, after a partner has been unfaithful? Is this to be my gethsemane?
Before I discovered my husbands numerous infidelities, I was a happily married woman. I was content with my lot in life. I let go of the fact that my husband never spoke to me about his feelings, but I rationalised that it was just a guy thing. I ignored the fact that over the years, intimacy dwindled to the extent where we felt like two friends instead of two people in love.So what if we were more lukewarm, than hot - maybe this is what family life looks like.
I had asked God to help us be good parents and then watched as he answered my prayer, by stripping bear our sham of a marriage. My husband and I now stand at ground zero trying to rebuild, but all that we have these days are glimpses of happiness. These glimpses for me are often followed by a far longer lasting hammering of memories and pain. I refuse to ignore it, but I work hard at not being gratuitous about it. I have accepted the fact, that there is no way around it - if I want to heal, I need to go through it. Its hard though. We both wish "it" would just go away.
we both wish we could be happy, but the truth is we're not. 85% of the time I am completely miserable. I don't know how he feels, because he still doesn't tell me unless I ask him. I have asked God to restore my heart to my husband, because this thing is so far beyond me, that its crushed me. If my marriage survives, it will only be because God has healed it...or maybe that's the point?
Is my marriage meant to be a testimony to Gods grace? I know its selfish, but if it is...why me? Couldn't He have found some other way? Is my purpose in this life, to be Gods hand in severing the clear generational curse of lust and broken families that run in his bloodline and perhaps mine (just found out the other day that my grandmother was an affair when she was a young married woman)...its to much for me to bear. I can't carry this load and yet...and yet if I stay and if God is faithful to His word - then my son will be free, my husband will know and feel Gods grace, forgiveness and joy. Is this my calling? Is this my ministry?
I am terrified that the man who betrayed me as he kissed me - will take what little is left of my precious heart and give it away to some prostitute or a cheap one night stand.
God I ask for the strength and the resolve to see this through. If this is Your will, show me what you want me to do. This load is to heavy to carry and so I hand it and my heart over to You...
Before I discovered my husbands numerous infidelities, I was a happily married woman. I was content with my lot in life. I let go of the fact that my husband never spoke to me about his feelings, but I rationalised that it was just a guy thing. I ignored the fact that over the years, intimacy dwindled to the extent where we felt like two friends instead of two people in love.So what if we were more lukewarm, than hot - maybe this is what family life looks like.
I had asked God to help us be good parents and then watched as he answered my prayer, by stripping bear our sham of a marriage. My husband and I now stand at ground zero trying to rebuild, but all that we have these days are glimpses of happiness. These glimpses for me are often followed by a far longer lasting hammering of memories and pain. I refuse to ignore it, but I work hard at not being gratuitous about it. I have accepted the fact, that there is no way around it - if I want to heal, I need to go through it. Its hard though. We both wish "it" would just go away.
We both wish I could forget "it" and move on...
we both wish we could be happy, but the truth is we're not. 85% of the time I am completely miserable. I don't know how he feels, because he still doesn't tell me unless I ask him. I have asked God to restore my heart to my husband, because this thing is so far beyond me, that its crushed me. If my marriage survives, it will only be because God has healed it...or maybe that's the point?
Is my marriage meant to be a testimony to Gods grace? I know its selfish, but if it is...why me? Couldn't He have found some other way? Is my purpose in this life, to be Gods hand in severing the clear generational curse of lust and broken families that run in his bloodline and perhaps mine (just found out the other day that my grandmother was an affair when she was a young married woman)...its to much for me to bear. I can't carry this load and yet...and yet if I stay and if God is faithful to His word - then my son will be free, my husband will know and feel Gods grace, forgiveness and joy. Is this my calling? Is this my ministry?
what
about
me?
I am afraid, that if I stay I will just be wasting more time. I am scared that I am misreading Gods will and this just my desperate need to make it all, make sense. I am terrified that the man who betrayed me as he kissed me - will take what little is left of my precious heart and give it away to some prostitute or a cheap one night stand.
God I ask for the strength and the resolve to see this through. If this is Your will, show me what you want me to do. This load is to heavy to carry and so I hand it and my heart over to You...
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Sick...reeeaally
Sick huh?
Mmmmm, my first day back at work and my husband has decided that today he is sick and needs to stay home...
Of course the first thought that went through my mind, was whether his actually staying home to either have;
a) Online sex with someone
b) Actual sex with someone
c) Sex with himself
Before I caught him, I would have been soooo sorry for him. Poor baby! But when I think about the time he actually went to meet someone he met online - I wonder if he told me if he was "sick" then to and had to stay home...or maybe he just pretended to go to work.
I am sad that my first thoughts are now whether or not his actually screwing around. I am sadder still that I then immediately think, that is doesn't matter - with the next lie detector test I'll catch him out. But you can bet your ass on this -if he has been creeping around, there is not enough meds in the world that will save him from what I got in store!
Monday, 31 October 2011
Fear infested waters
Tomorrow I go back to work after 3 months of maternity leave and all I can say is "THANK YOU GOD", for bringing me through.
My husbands' infidelities came to light when I was 7 months pregnant. The pain and misery would have killed me, but somehow God held me in the palm of His hand and protected me and my unborn son. I was so worried, that the stress would somehow mess up his development - but his a perfect beautiful baby boy. Thank you Jesus.
There were days, when for fleeting moments when I thought it would be easier just to end my life. These thoughts were just as quickly dismissed as I knew my self worth and the worth of my son was far greater than my circumstances. Thank you God.
Moments turned into hours of bitterly crying. I cried and cried until my nose was numb from wiping and my eyes were rung dry. Feeling alone,rejected and unloved, I remembered that He said he would never leave me, nor forsake me - oh how I am so undeserving Your mercy and grace. I had left to worship at his alter, when I promised You my heart. How great is Thy faithfulness...
I was drowning in fear infested waters and you said, if I trust You...if only I believe - You will bring me through. Fear held me by the ankles and pulled and tugged me under. It nipped at my heels and grazed my belly. Drowning, falling, fading into darkness- you pulled me out - Thank you God.
In the cold depths of my despair, Your Spirit comforted me. Held me close, stroked my hair, said it will be okay,to trust in the plans You have for me. Blinded by my tears, I closed my eyes and listened to Your voice. Oh how sweet the sound....Your Holy Spirit has walked with me and comforted me, reminding me of who I am.
I am the daughter of the great I AM.
Sorry Daddy, for neglecting our relationship - Thank for loving me through it all. You heard my prayer and answered my call - without you I am nothing. I was lost and drowning in the inky blackness of the night - You grabbed me around the waist, lifted me up towards the horizon and showed me the coming light.
Thank God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for all You have done.
Amen.
Friday, 28 October 2011
Dear asshole
There have been some terrible moments over the last couple of months, that are so painful I can't even bear to say it out loud...
4.Listening to you, while you were having dream sex with someone else.
3.Last valentines day, I had to work in a different city. I made such an idiot out of myself dedicating songs to you over facebook, telling everyone who cared to listen how amazing you were. You called me, to say you loved me to. Realising now that when you put the phone down - you had online sex with someone else.
2.Finally embracing the fact that my husband will cheat, manipulate and lie with no remorse.
But you know what the worst was?
1.Lying alone in my hospital bed,tubes sticking of me- unable to move and softly weeping in the dark - wondering whether you were with your mistress. I had never felt so
ALONE
and so
UNLOVED.
I will never tell you this, because
I have my pride.
Thursday, 27 October 2011
The plastic surgery question
Am I pretty enough to keep my husband?
It stings a little (okay, a heck of a lot) that all the women he cheated on me with, was thinner and younger than me. I would say that they looked like me (body wise) when I first met my husband. Toned, athletic and body beautiful. Now 8 years and 1 child later, I am big. When I met hubby I weighed 65 kgs in 2004, but the time I got married 2008 I weighed 104. My heaviest was 117.5 kgs in 2009.
Oh, I would make weak attempts at exercising, depending on those around me - to motivate me. But when I reached nearly a 120kgs, I had enough. I know everyone says it, but I just didn't fully realise how big I was getting until I was HUGE. I then started exercising religiously. Nothing hectic, but I tried to walk at least 3 times a week and the weight started dropping off. I changed my eating habits and I saw even more of a difference. I was on my way! Feeling better about myself, then I had in ages - I thought surely my husband must be happier with me now (not that he ever said that I should lose weight). By the time I fell pregnant in October 2010, I was weighing 104kgs. I had so nearly touched my goal of weighing under 100kgs, that my more vainer moments contained resentment that I fell pregnant instead of reaching my goal. I started picking up weight in the pregnancy and every kg was a little death to me. How much bigger am I going to get? When I eventually gave birth to my son, I weighed in at 122kgs. Now 3 months after his birth, I have dropped back down to 106kgs.
I FEEL UGLY.
I resent my husband for not caring that I tried SO HARD to lose weight. I did it, so that he could be proud to be with me...to be aroused by me again. When I have my bad weight days (like today), I feel like going onto those websites where men are looking for bigger women. They find my shape beautiful - I don't need to feel like they have "settled" for me. They would love me. They would adore me.
 |
| Seriously... I am like a third of her size. I wonder if this guy is single now... |
My hubby and I have started a no secrets policy, so instead of letting this desire grow - I have confessed it to my husband. His always quick to say that the porn he watched also had big women in it. He doesn't get it...whats a fucking knife in the back was that the women he actually had physical contact with (not online or video) where all thinner than me. When he had the choice, he didn't go after a big girl...he didn't go after someone like me. And can I blame him? No. In my dreams, the guy was never pudgy. He was muscled and strong - why should his dream girl be any different? So no matter what he says, I don't believe he finds me attractive and now I am considering plastic surgery.
Yes, I want to be beautiful for him - but more importantly I am tired of settling for how I look. When I look in the mirror, I want to love what I see. I am tired of wearing control top panties with dresses. I don't want to wear t-shirts and tops that are long enough to reach mid thigh so that it can cover my hanging tummy. I want to feel irrestible and I think that getting a tummy tuck could speed along the process.
He gets all freaked out by it, any time I mention it. He thinks that I shouldn't mess with my body. But what the hell does he know. His not the one, who has met and seen the other women and have walked away feeling old, frumpy and discarded like yesterdays trash. He hasn't had to stand there and feel the burn of humiliation when its clear who the prettier girl is. I just want someone to love me...is that so hard?
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Father forgive me, I have sinned...
Did I not see his addiction, because I was an addict too?
This is my confession....
When I was 11 years old, I found a Mills and Boon book in my grandmothers house. It was nothing as risque, as you get in todays books. Back then the sighting of a heaving bosom was as scintillating as it got. I fell in love immediately. I read that book over and over again, until it literally fell apart.
The rush of feelings that swept my body felt incredible. By then I had noticed boys and I had, had a couple of crushes - but this "feeling" was on a whole new level. I was experiencing lust for the first time and it felt good. My mom caught me reading this book and threw the book away. I took it out of the trash, locked myself in the bathroom and read it again. I wish I could I tell you that this was the end, but it was just the beginning.
I started looking for more and when the local library ran out of books, I searched for bookshops that had the kind of books I was looking for. No longer was the sighting of a "globe" exciting, I needed more...a lot more. The more graphic the better. I was readying about 6 or 7 books a week. I was about 14/15 years old. I used my lunch and travel money to buy books. Choosing to walk home and go hungry, so I could get my fix. And when I didn't have money...I stole. I wanted the books...I NEEDED them. It felt great to "get away with it" and then I started stealing books, even though I had the money. The high from getting away with it and enjoying my treasure was so intoxicating. I did it as often as I could...but then my conscience would attack and I would stop stealing completely or I would buy some and take some, telling myself that I am repeat customer, so they are still making money...
Of course I masturbated, as the feelings coursing through my body was highly addictive and no man could match that feeling. So much so, that I wonder if I have forever reprogrammed by body, only to highly aroused by these books instead of with the man that I love. Today, I don't orgasm...ever. Sex is a great and wonderful experience, but its a different feeling to one I have when reading. My husband thinks I don't understand the feeling and compulsive needs around masturbation and watching porn, but I understand only to clearly. I have felt so disgusted with myself. The need to read and masturbate was compulsive...
It went on this way for years and then I stumbled across online sex. And WOW!! What a rush. Its incredible. I could write my own Mills and Boon scenes with a willing,anonymous partner. The dirtier, the better. By then I had met my husband and I loved him. I figured though, that since I am not actually doing anything physical, it wasn't being unfaithful. But then I started getting irritated with him, more than I should. I was beginning to lose that loving feeling. The more online sex I had, the less I "loved" my boyfriend. One day I sat at my desk ( I was having online sex at work, using work resources...oh man, just writing that made me so sad) and I realised, that I had to choose between my online lover and my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend...it took a while for my system to calm down, but after about two weeks I started feeling like my old self again.I remember that there were days when I felt weak and I would go these online websites and just kinda cruise around...I realised that if I didn't stop cold turkey I would just go back, so every day I committed to not going back to these sites.
It was getting to scary. I chose to leave my job and work someplace else. A week before my final day, my boss called me into the office and asked me if I let other people use my computer. My sixth sense told me to lie and I said yes, all the time. And then he said, "oh because we got a report that someone is accessing porn from your computer" - I of course acted appropriately disgusted...I remember feeling relieved and grateful that I was leaving this job in a couple of days...I never made that mistake again at the workplace, but seriously what the hell was wrong with me...
I continued reading as much Mills and Boon and other hardcore material I could get my hands on. I flirted with friends - I always thought, that it was no big deal, but given the right kind of environment what would have I done? I had a close call one day, when this guy which invited me to his place. I was tempted for like a second and then I thought to myself WTF and stopped it right there. Its only beens Gods grace, that unlike my husband I haven't actually gone out and made a play for some guy.
When my boyfriend proposed, we moved in together. Our sex life dewindled. He was watching tons of porn and would prefer to touch himself and I was reading Mills and Boon books and thick 'romantic" novels. I put down our lack of sex to just being a phase in the relationship at the time. I never saw the danger surrounding us.
That year my husband started picking up girls on trains and I had a weird expierience. One day, hubby gets up and goes to work. I remember lying in bed and it felt as if someone was straightening out and parting my legs. In half a daze, I thought I was sleeping - but I remember distinctly feeling "awake" but unable to move. I remember feeling like I was about to sex, but noone was there. The feeling called to me and tempted me to just relax and enjoy it. But my sixth sense kicked in and I realised, that something weird was happening and I started to struggle against the feeling and get out of bed. It was so hard! I got so scared. The more I struggled, the more it felt like something was working its way up my body. I started to pray and "it" released me. I stumbled out of bed, shaken and relieved - and yet I perversely missed that sexual feeling. During my darker periods of despair, when I wonder if my husband is telling the truth regarding whether his porn addiction. I remember this thing that happened and I remind myself that clearly we have issues with lust and I do believe that what I was expieriencing was demonic. Lust pervaded our home and was pulling us further into the darkness and we never saw it coming...
For a while I didn't read Mills and Boons books, but inevitably I started a short while later. Intimacy was nowhere to be found in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once every couple of weeks. We loved each other, but we were not IN love. This is how we carried on for years. Then one day I found out I was pregnant and I asked God, to help us be the best parents we could be for our son. Soon after I discovered my husband having an affair and everything unravelled.
My husband made life altering decisions in the face of his porn addiction, I chose to stand with him. As a family we do not watch nor read porn. We are careful about the kinds of movies we see.We do not masturbate. We have chosen to only share sexual contact with each other and our sex life has never been better.
Some days its hard for me. The impulse to masturbate is strong, but I have taught myself to focus on something else. And when this doesn't work, I simply have to fight through the feeling. Lately I have had "flashbacks" of my favourite Mills and Boon scenes. It just pops up in my mind at unexpected times. I haven't read a book in months...7 months to be exact. As soon as it pops up, I start thinking of something else. But that feeling to enjoy it...noone will know, is so tantalising.
And this is how I realised that my husband does not stand alone in the porn addict stakes. Yes, I didn't go as far as he did, but I have dishonoured him and God nonetheless.
So as a family, with God firmly leading us forth. We are forging a new path, for a better healthier kind of life. I have realised, that without God my family and I will fall apart. I am sorry, that wondered away from Him so far, but today right here, right now I confess with heart that I have sinned and I am so sorry.
God has heard my cry and He has saved me....
Monday, 17 October 2011
Money and Infidelity
My husband was my world. I wanted him to be happy, so I bought him the things he wanted even though I could barely afford it. In my world, that's what you do when you love someone - you show them how special they are, by giving them the desires of their heart. So I bought him the huge ass TV and Blue-ray player that I am still paying off today. If I had known about his need to fuck anything that walks, I could have saved myself some money and just bought him a prostitute - maybe we could even worked out a financial plan - like for every 12 sessions you buy, get one free or something...
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| Wow, I get a free STD as well...super ;-) |
It messes me up to think, that I was so gaga over him. I was thrilled because we had gotten our first new place - I saw sunshine and rainbows, while he was looking at tits and ass. I feel taken in...like he made a fool out of me. I was the butt of his lame joke and I contributed financially for it.
Never again will I put myself financially on the line for him. Don't ask me, what I'm going to get him for christmas.Going from gifts worth thousands of rands, to what? A Musica voucher worth R150?
Besides all that, is that fact that I gave him full access to my accounts. I trusted him with me card and salary. He no longer enjoys that privilege. The kind of man who will cheat on his 7 month pregnant wife, is the kind of man that would steal from her. I remember a conversation I had with my mom, she was dismayed that I trusted him so freely with my hard earned money - I thought she was crazy. After all, we were in love and he would never take advantage of me - what an idiot I was.
If you can't trust someone with your heart and body - you can't trust them with your finances!
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Love is a four letter word
He lies...
I desperately want to believe him, but how can I - when I know he lies. He has looked me straight in the eyes and lied. He has kissed me and lied. Held me and lied. He...lies.
I always thought I was the creative one in the family, but man I don't hold a candle to him. His dedication to the role of faithful husband and loyal lover was outstanding...I never would have guessed he was anything other but that. And why should I have? I believed the lie.
I miss my friend...
I desperately want to believe him, but how can I - when I know he lies. He has looked me straight in the eyes and lied. He has kissed me and lied. Held me and lied. He...lies.
I always thought I was the creative one in the family, but man I don't hold a candle to him. His dedication to the role of faithful husband and loyal lover was outstanding...I never would have guessed he was anything other but that. And why should I have? I believed the lie.
I miss my friend...
Saturday, 15 October 2011
Othello and me...
Everytime I think I am doing better - my heart falters and I despair of where I have found myself.
My husband recently did a very good thing. He tracked down the chick he cheated on me with after we got married (the first one) and told her off in no uncertain terms. Now, I totally believe that what happended was completely his fault. He could have said "no", but he didn't...as a matter fact he wanted to screw this chick, but she turned him down. You would think that because "it" didn't happen, it would hurt less - but it still does. Anyways, so he tracks her down and craps on her from a dizzy height. He told her, he was disgusted with them both, that they were both pathetic- he did it in front of me and I felt..vindicated. I was happy, elated and felt like I got the last laugh. It felt good...
So tell me, why do I feel so sad today? Maybe its because, I should never have had to hear my husband tell another woman how he regrets playing tonsil hockey. My mind wonders through everything he has done, and I bite my tongue lest I ask him useless questions, because infidelity is infidelity no matter how many times he did it, who he did it with and where. His unfaithful heart has cast me in the role of Othello and jealousy,hurt and paranoi has set fire to my dreams. I am convinced, he hasn't told me everything - but what is the point of asking, as surely it would be just more of the same. Whats one or two more women to the many he has betrayed me with...
O thou weed,Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweetThat the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne’er been born.
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Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Out for blood...
When your significant other decides to have an affair, they may as well have taken a dump on your favourite dress. I looked at so many sites of people who cheated and the description that comes up often, is that they felt like they were in a "fog". Well then, lets see what we can do to help clear that up...
After D Day- what every cheating heart should do....
1. Soul search - are you really sorry? This is most kindest things you can do, after you decided to step out of your marriage and betrayed your spouse. If your not sorry, don't waste your spouses time and just leave. Don't waste anymore of her precious time. She only has this one life to live - allow her to live it with someone who will love and treasure her. It will be best final gift you ever give her. If you realise that you made a mistake...
2. Confront that bitch. Tell her, that it was a mistake - you don't know what the hell happened, but you 're sorry that you ever spoke to her, touched her and any other nasty ass thing you did. You choose your wife and your marriage. Nothing and noone is worth risking your marriage for. You were stupid to have done what you did and you regret it intensely. Say it in the most strongly worded way possible, so that there is no doubt. Your wife shouldn't have to tell you what to say - if you are genuinely sorry let the words flow from your heart and let your sincerity shine through. You have stripped pride and dignity from both your spouse and yourself. Its time to restore it. The enemy came in the dead of the night and has threatened your home and your family - its time to find your balls and fight back
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| I said f*ck off... |
3. Show your wife that she is the one you want. You should have by now, effectively told that ho, that she needs to move along - but now you are faced with a broken marriage. Your partner no longer feels loved, attractive, special, wanted. At some point, she must have been precious to you - after all you married her. Have a serious talk about how she would like you to show her, how much you care and the follow through. If she is to pissed to care, then just be there. Hold her, kiss her (if she will let you) - research as much as possible on ways to win her heart back.
4.Be prepared to be target practice for a while. You have poisoned her and it is killing her from the inside. In order for your marriage to be better than before, it all needs to come out. She will spewing words, that you never thought your wife even knew. You might even have be ducking and diving for a while. Allow it happen. Don't defend your actions, accept the fact that you deserve it. You have betrayed her, did you really think that she wouldn't be hurt by it...
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| I am so happy that your banging that chick from accounts... |
5. Share her pain - you are about to run out of toilet paper very quickly. Oh man, are the tears going to flow. Hers and yours. Don't shy away from her pain. Go to her and hold her as she weeps. She is hurting badly and she needs you to just hold her. She also needs to see how sorry you are. Cry with her and share with her how you feel. She will never know how you feel, unless you show her. She might seem not to care, and there will be days were she wont... but she IS listening...
What is working in my marriage:
- We have put God back in our relationship. Our marriage could not heal and thrive without him. We pray together and attend church. That spirit of lust that has overtaken us, will not destroy my family!
- My husband had to decide, what he wanted. I was his first proper girlfriend and along with his porn addiction, his curiosity about what it would be like with other women just was to much for him. But it couldn't be helped, that we met when we did - so he needed to decide what he wanted and be prepared to faithful to that. He needed to recommit. He taped his conversation with the other woman, where he told her it was over. I loved it - it felt like it gave me some of my power back.
- After he decided what he wanted, he needed to show me his plans in how he was going to prevent this from happening ever again.You need real tangible changes, otherwise it will be so easy to slip again. This included, giving away all his porn, identifying triggers and avoiding them eg pics of near naked women. Without a plan,you have nothing
- He is willing to do whatever it takes, to be with me and to make my dreams come true. I am through, with taking a back seat to him. (Not that he ever asked me to, but I did it to make our marriage work). Its my time now and he has committed enthuisiastically to support my dreams and plans.Its a new era in our marriage, because I am different and if he wants to stick around then he better buckle up.
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