To be passionately pursued

I have been spiralling. I keep looking at Abigails picture like she's a terrorist and I need to find her and destroy her. I can feel the bitterness tighten and tighten deep inside...I joined a chat group, because I was convinced that my husband was on it. This time I didn't punk out and got the guy to send me his picture...definitely not my husband...I felt so shitty about it that I explained that I am in fact not looking for someone to hookup with and that I thought he was my husband blah blah blah I am so sorry etc etc...I then kept on apologising like a crazy woman and I wondered why? Why couldn't I just delete the account..and then I realised its because he was paying me attention and it was dangerous. I soaked it up like a sun starved eskimo and it put me in a tailspin. I apologised one more time like a stuck record and then I went for a drive.What the hell was I doing - up to now my hands have been clean, I struck up a report with internet guy in hopes of revealing my husband, but now that I knew it wasn't him - I was in quicksand, liable to lose the moral high ground.

I wondered what wrong in my relationship with my husband - why do I keep thinking his cheating on me still? Why do I keep going round and round in circles...and I realised its because my husband is not showing me love the way I need him to. His not speaking my language. I desperately need him to be overwhelming passionate about me. I need him to TELL ME how much he cares, how much I mean to him. He has words for all these other woman, but no words for me. He buys me things and does things to show me that he cares, but I don't want things - all I want is him. I want him to share himself with me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me that I am his universe and that he would be lost without me. I want him to passionately declare himself to me and court me all over again and thats exactly what I told him...he then got angry with me. I told him that I feel rejected and unloved and he said how is it possible, when he does so many things for me...I said I appreciate all that his done, but its not what I need. Its not enough -

He was angry with me, because I needed him to speak to me...he says I keep changing things and that I am always finding something wrong with him.

That was on Thursday...on Saturday we had a shouting match. I told him that he has all these words, for all his women but he has none for me. He shouted that he would have said anything to sleep with them and I told him that his not getting the point. I don't care what he told them...what I care about is that he had a commnuication plan for these women. He wanted them and he went after them- Where is my plan? Why can't he tell me things, when he obviously has no problem talking to women...where is his passionate persuit of me? Its not enough that he does things, I need him to talk to me. We shouted at each for the next 20 minutes - me begging him to understand what I need, and him defensive what he percieved as a critism and not a cry for help. He told me that I need put my self in his shoes and understand he is has been trying and how must he feel when his been doing all these things...he even said, that maybe he should stop making me breakfast and do this instead. And thats when I finally understood - I understood that maybe I am asking him to do something that he doesn't feel. I am asking him to be passionate about me, but he can't be because thats not how he feels. He hides behind doing things like doing all the chores, making me breakfast...its all stuff, but never him.

I asked him to think about how he loves me. Does he love me like a lover or like a friend.

Its our engagement all over again. I have always felt that I pushed him into it - and to this day he says I didn't. I remember issuing an ultimatum and funny enough after he proposed - maybe two/three weeks later he found himself a prostitute. Maybe I should have just let go...and here I am again, but I won't make the same mistake twice...

I told him that I have one more thing to say and this will be end of it - I want him to note and remember that there once was a time in our marriage when I fought and begged him to share himself with me. He apologised for shouting and then that was it. He surprised me with ice-cream later. I would have been happier with a hug. Argument over.

Yesterday I went for a drive to sea and I watched a small little bird battle against the winds. Her wings pumped furiously, trying to make headway - but she stayed on exactly the same spot. She kept on trying, but the winds were to strong. Didn't she know that she was fighting against something bigger than her? Maybe she should just stop and wait for the winds to die down and try again.

I don't want to have to fight with my husband to get him to love me.

p.s. I deleted the account with internet guy - even now when things are not looking good - my marriage won't fail because I didn't try my best.

An open letter Robert Pattinson

Wassup...

Hows it hanging these days? So the news is abuzz that your girlfriend kissed another dude. That really sucks...Its great that Reese has set you up in a place of your own. Tell her I say hey...You're one lucky son of a gun, you know that. Most of us...the betrayed, have no where to go but the old couches and beds our mates pretended to love us on. Listen pal, I am going to tell you something I wished somebody told me...

If she is treating you like shit now, its only going to get worse once you get married. You are better off without her. It doesn't get better and at least you don't have kids. Kids complicate things...

So I know you're heartbroken...but there are millions of us who would have paid good money to know what our mates were up to behind our backs. We didn't get photos - we got the increasingly cold shoulder, the pre-mature ejaculation and the bullshit attitude that made everything that went wrong, somehow our fault.

Dude, don't do it. Don't take her back. 

You will always wonder, what she is doing. Everytime she sms's in your company, everytime she is late from "work"...every late meeting will be torture and with every on screen kiss you are going to wonder if its the real deal. Maybe she is sorry...maybe she'll never do it again...on the other hand maybe she has been cheating on you for years, every time you took your English ass back home - she took the opportunity to review her performance with her director...and then even worse, the emotional shit storm that happens every time she is happy. You will wonder who is making her happy....and why is she so crappy do dah happy when you hurt so much.

Are you really ready to sign up for that shit? Because let me tell you that love after infidelity takes balls of steel. After you wipe off the taste of another man on your lips, you are going to have wake up every damn morning and choose to forgive her all over again. You are going to have to look yourself in the mirror and wonder what was so wrong with you, that she had to go looking for sex someplace else. People are going to call you brave for sticking it out, when its all you can do to bite your lip to stop yourself from saying that every damn day you think of leaving...

Keep your pain and forgiveness for someone who matters. Keep it for your wife, when one day after she bears you children her eyes wander to an available man.Keep it for the relationship that you have invested so much in, that it would be a loss to walk away without a fight. Everyone will hurt you...is she really worth the pain that you will need to endure?

Dude, don't do it. Don't take her back! 

You tell her to pack her shit and go, maybe with an awesome kick ass track in the background. I would recommend "Irreplaceble" by Beyonce or "Secretly" by Skunk Anansie. And if you have any sense, as you stand at the door while her cheating ass vacates the premises you say..

I'm still the Lion bitch...