Tragically overweight and unfit

My husband met me at my best weight. I was doing serious dancing for about 4 days a week - I was a hip hop dance squad captain. I was looking AWESOME!

But I stopped dancing when I started doing my honours year and was working full time, at the same time. It was just to much for me. And that was the beginning of my yo-yo dieting. He never said anything and for a while there I thought it was okay. That he loved me anyway. About 2 years ago, I read a christian book from a couple and the wife took time out to say it like it is...weight is an issue for men. I started exercising at that point, feeling guilty that I wasn't trying my best to look my best for him. And then of course, I found out his assholeness...which just made me feel worse about myself. For a while I wasn't eating much, determined to starve myself to make a point, which of course didn't last long. Oh I have attemtped to take control of my eating habits along the way, but I was either "sick" or "tired"...excuses...

This weekend, I played with my beautiful son and my knees were weak and my legs struggled with his weight. My breathing, fast and shallow- I could only play for maybe 15 minutes. I am so tragically unfit. I look at my mother and she could easily turn into one of those women that you need to hire a crane to get out of their own homes. I don't want to turn out like that. So Spring is nearly upon us, and its time to try again. Its time to try, so I can play with my son, but also protect him if I had to, I want to try, because I have never felt so beautiful and confident as I did, then when I felt healthy and in control...and although some women would say that it doesn't matter and I would agree it shouldn't, but I need to lose weight for my husband. Its not fair that that I am three times the woman I used to be when he met me. I will never have skinny hip bones again, but right now the massive tummy could do with a change.

I don't know why its so hard for me. I know its wrong, but I continue to stuff myself with food, long after I feel full. Its not okay and I want to feel better about myself.

I have been afraid to weigh myself again. I think I weigh almost as much as I did, when I was full term pregnant. So I will start today. Nothing hectic. Keyword will be sustainable. I will not go out and buys tons of chips, chocolate and the like. I will have my lunch and it will be enough. If it doesn't rain, I will venture outside for a quick walk, just to get some form of exercise going...tomorrow I will face what I have done to myself and weigh myself to assess the damage. Come summer, I will be a better, healthier me!

Supersize

I have picked up weight. Two months ago I got super sick. I think my body finally caved in, from the stress of my husbands infidelity, being made redundant and my sister telling me that her husband hits her. I have had a shit year.

So there I was struggling to even breathe. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Sick and tired of me and my life, feeling guilty that I used to weep in front of my baby, when daddy wasn't around. It all got to much. So ja, my body took matters into its own hands and shut down. I was sick, so I stopped exercising to my body a chance to regroup, but days turned weeks and weeks have turned into months and I started eating everything in sight... and I have picked up 4kgs.

I haven't weighed myself in a while, afraid that the heaviness I feel is real. But this morning, was the day and yep, 4 kgs heavier. I am disspointed in myself that I haven't tried harder, but today I will start again.

I want to feel and look good. I am tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I am tired of sitting next to my skinny friends and trying to hide behind them in photographs. Soooo, next step- discovering healthy winter meals.

Thursday is his first staff party...mmmm by now I would be bouncing off the walls. Surprisingly after the first onslought of stressdom, I am not doing to badly. Maybe I have moved forward after all...

#3 things I can't say out loud

I binge eat. I binge eat all the time. I weigh myself continously and freak out if my weight gain is even a fraction. I can't tell him, because he would start comparing me to his thinner ex's I am sure. Why can't I just stick to what I need to eat?? Nothing tastes as good as being skinny!