Tragically overweight and unfit

My husband met me at my best weight. I was doing serious dancing for about 4 days a week - I was a hip hop dance squad captain. I was looking AWESOME!

But I stopped dancing when I started doing my honours year and was working full time, at the same time. It was just to much for me. And that was the beginning of my yo-yo dieting. He never said anything and for a while there I thought it was okay. That he loved me anyway. About 2 years ago, I read a christian book from a couple and the wife took time out to say it like it is...weight is an issue for men. I started exercising at that point, feeling guilty that I wasn't trying my best to look my best for him. And then of course, I found out his assholeness...which just made me feel worse about myself. For a while I wasn't eating much, determined to starve myself to make a point, which of course didn't last long. Oh I have attemtped to take control of my eating habits along the way, but I was either "sick" or "tired"...excuses...

This weekend, I played with my beautiful son and my knees were weak and my legs struggled with his weight. My breathing, fast and shallow- I could only play for maybe 15 minutes. I am so tragically unfit. I look at my mother and she could easily turn into one of those women that you need to hire a crane to get out of their own homes. I don't want to turn out like that. So Spring is nearly upon us, and its time to try again. Its time to try, so I can play with my son, but also protect him if I had to, I want to try, because I have never felt so beautiful and confident as I did, then when I felt healthy and in control...and although some women would say that it doesn't matter and I would agree it shouldn't, but I need to lose weight for my husband. Its not fair that that I am three times the woman I used to be when he met me. I will never have skinny hip bones again, but right now the massive tummy could do with a change.

I don't know why its so hard for me. I know its wrong, but I continue to stuff myself with food, long after I feel full. Its not okay and I want to feel better about myself.

I have been afraid to weigh myself again. I think I weigh almost as much as I did, when I was full term pregnant. So I will start today. Nothing hectic. Keyword will be sustainable. I will not go out and buys tons of chips, chocolate and the like. I will have my lunch and it will be enough. If it doesn't rain, I will venture outside for a quick walk, just to get some form of exercise going...tomorrow I will face what I have done to myself and weigh myself to assess the damage. Come summer, I will be a better, healthier me!

My marriage rocks... NOT

So we started a marriage course last night called My Marriage Rocks. It was really uncomfortable for me, even though I have been the one pushing for us to attend some sort of seminar. Last night the discussion was around myths and marriage - the guy had some interesting stuff to say. He spoke about how we shouldn't encourage the culture of "falling in love" because if you can fall in love, you can fall out of love. Instead he advocated that people, should grow in love together. Slowly and overtime, so that by the time you have been together for 20 yrs - you should love your partner more, than when we first started going out. He spoke about how we compartmentalise our partners into roles i.e. wife, housekeeper, sexual partner, friend etc and over time, we only start relating to our partner on one level -either as just the wife or husband. All other roles are given for other people to fill. So someone else becomes the sexual partner, someone else becomes the best friend. I was honest enough in my own self reflection to acknowledge, that my husband wasn't the only one who did this in our marriage. I did it to- to a lesser degree. We were bored...

He spoke about how what we see growing up, influences how we believe marriage should be. Well my husband had a womanising father and was emotionally unavailable to his mom, and true as bob, my husband is the same. Same could be said for me...my father stayed with my mom even though she has become severly obese, to the extent that she can't walk properly anymore- he stayed. Maybe I thought my husband would be the same...that it wouldn't matter how weight I gained, that he would be faithful and love me. Of course, he denies my weight has anything to do with it- but I was literally double the girl he met. I jiggle in all the wrong places and my double chin is unfortunate to say the least. He tried again last night to tell me that looks don't count - but thats what people say to ugly people. I know looks count and more so to men because they are visual creatures.

And then he gave us an assignment - women need to create a poster for their husbands and say something nice on it and men have to find a rock and write something on it for their wives. I was uncomfortable to say the least. We have didn't celebrate our wedding anniversary, we don't say I love you anymore and now we need to do something good to each other. I was tempted to tell my husband that I am not going back, that I am not ready for this - but I honestly don't know if I will ever be ready. So I will trust the process and see what happens, as awkward as it feels.

After the class, we went for coffee and spoke for a little bit about stuff, we haven't spoken about in a while. We spoke about his addiction and how his recovery is going. We spoke about his feelings around me asking for another lie detector test. It was the first time we had connected in a while and it felt...ok.

I don't know what I am going to put on my poster :-( Putting yourself out there is hard...we'll see what happens.

Start weight: 110.6
Current weight 103
Lost: 7.6 kgs