The ministers daughter

My earliest memories are of the church. Nights and mornings - week days and weekends - our life was the church. My grandparents were ministers and we are a ministering family. Often my grandmother would talk about how her father would walk the streets with an accordian calling people to church on a Sunday morning. We are church folk...its in our blood.

And just as we are of the church - we are also broken. I wish that someone had told me thats its possible to be both, instead of feeling like a failure when my brokeness and my faith conflicted with one another. This weekend was a reminder of our families brokeness and our anointedness...

I watched as my mom took to the stage. My mom - who in her old age has grown bitter about the harsh hand life has dealt her...my mom the flirt and rage-o-holic...she stood and opended her mouth and I felt Gods presence in my heart.  She sang and sang and my spirit stilled within me and I was blessed.

There are many who are capable, but there are very few who are called to minister. My mother is one of the called. I sat there and I was reminded that God does not call on us because of who we are...He calls on us, despite of who we are. Broken and imperfect, in Him we are made vessels and testiment to His grace and mercy.

I listened as the ocherstra and choir swelled up in chorus behind her and I thought, how is it that God picked such a woman to bless thousands of people? They don't know her like I know her. They don't know how we suffered at her hand and her sharp tongue when we grew up. They have no idea of the fear her impatience inspired...oh, but now when she sings, its connects you to something other than yourself. How is it that God chose her to bring forth his message to millions? Maybe it was because of her brokeness and her own sexual and physical abuse that has paved the way for her to truly reflect the human heart. We feel ugly and unworthy, but like David a man who fell time and time again - we still can rise up and sing and dance to glory of God...our worship and praise sincere and honest because we have been in the valley of death and have been lost in the darkness - we truly understand the misery of pain and therefore we now understand His comfort and love.

God sees us for more than our mistakes and the terrible things that have been done to us and what we have done to each other. In us He sees His image and we are made perfect by His blood.

It is comforting to know God loves me enough for the both us and even when my brokeness gets in the way, His faith in me never wanes.

I am reminded that its okay to be broken...its only in Christ that I am made whole. My past does not define me - it's part of my testimony. I don't know why certain things have happended in my life - but its okay, because God will always be with me.

Pee like a lady...

My mother taught me many things. She taught me how to walk like a lady , how to sit like a lady, which knife and fork to use and when, even  which words and tone to use...she taught me how be the perfect lady and yes, she taught me how to pee like one too i.e. in order to avoid the vulgar splashing sound, when others are within hearing range - line the bottom with some loo paper LOL !

Image becomes really important, when its all you have to get ahead.

My mom however never mentioned some other life saving tips, that I have needed to find out on my own. Like how attention from a man feels great, but it could endanger your relationship. So how do you let a guy down, when his great and you enjoy being in his company - but its dodgy, because of how partner might feel about it.

So last night, while feeling vulnerable about my husband attending his staff party - wouldn't you believe that I get a "LinkedIn" invitation from that guy who was here a couple of weeks ago? We got on really well. While I didn't find him physically attrative, his interest me felt amazing. But like a good girl, I declined his invitation to dinner. I "lost" his card and ignored his invite to search for each other on LinkedIn - but hells bells, in my inbox currently sits an invite to be connected.

Now I could be misreading him and maybe his simply a nice guy, but I can't afford to take that chance. Feeling rather pleased with his interest (enough to actually look for me, after silence on my end), for a second I was tempted to not tell my husband and just accept the guy as a connection. Fortunately, sanity reigned and I realised three NB things

1) If I am to hold my husband accountable with intergrity, I need to disclose what is happening and what I am going to do about it. Not only do I expect full disclosure from my husband as well and therefore should role-model it- but without this, I lose my moral standing and thats all I got right now. Plus, if things go sour, I want to be able to look my husband in the face and say - this is what I contended with, these are choices I had made to protect our marriage. Pack up your shit and go...maybe I will even have the tune "R.E.S.P.E.C.T" playing in the background...

2) When you are feeling low and vulnerable, the devil attacks. Sitting there, feeling sorry for myself - I get an invite from some guy, who potentially could wreck the fragile beginnings again of our marriage.Unbelievable...

3) Lastly, wow do you politely tell someone who may or may not be interested in you, that you are not interested? I was brought up having to kiss uncles and aunties even though I felt uncomfortable, because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I was taught to politely nod and smile, when even the most asinine opinion was offered by someone else. We must strive to not hurt other peoples feelings. We want everyone to like us. Smile, laugh, flirt a little and be soft and understanding in all communication, lest you seem agressive and unladylilke... We simply do not do outright rejection. So now, as a grown ass woman, I feel uncomfortable "rejecting" a perfectly nice person -who I was friendly towards (I had to as part of relationship building for my company) and maybe took it the wrong way...

I wonder what my mother would say...

But for now I think I will just politely delete his invitation and hopefully we never run into each other again...

You must remember my love...

Mommy loves you very much. I remember my first visit to the doctor and he showed me you on his scanning machine- you were so little I could hardly see you, but mommy fell in love with you right away. And now, you are here and I am so glad I can hold you in my arms. Just so that you know - you make some serious stinky poos my son and I think you know it, because you laugh at me when I need change you:-)


My love, mommy will always be with you in your heart - but I won't always be there to walk beside you and in life you will need to make some hard decisions.  Who am I? How do I want to lead my life? What do I believe? My son, mommy wants you to know a couple of things that I have learnt in my life. Some have been passed down from your grandparents, my faith and from some really stupid decisions and good choices. Baby, remember:


1) God will never leave you, nor forsake you. Don't however abuse his grace and think you can whatever you want and you can just ask for forgiveness - it doesn't work that way. Give your heart to Him and follow Him. He loves you more than you know!

2)There is no mistake/bad decision, that you can't recover from. That doesn't mean you won't have to face the consequences, but life goes on and your tomorrow can still be brilliant, even if it looks different from what you initially thought.


3) Drugs, alcohol and porn are bad for you. Both mommy and daddy has made some really bad choices and we have hurt each and ourselves because of it. My love, you need to decide what kinds of activities are okay with you. If it changes you into someone that does bad things or things that you are ashamed of, then its probably not good for you. If you find yourself in a situation where you become an addict. Seek God and get help. Counsellors are just friends who know how to help.


4) Guard your heart and body. Don't sleep around. You are incredibly special and amazing. When you decide to have sex with somebody, its because you love each other and respect each other. When you have a lot partners, you will lose a little bit of yourself every time until you don't feel much for the person you are sleeping with anymore and then you might miss out on being able to recognise the partner that God has created for you. 


5) Condoms will protect you from HIV, but not other STDS. 


6) Surround yourself with good people. Who you hang out with, will influence who you are and what you do. People who sit on their bums and don't work towards their goals are losers. You my son, are not a loser. Surround yourself with people who will inspire you and encourage you and very importantly be honest with you. They may not get everything right, but people who love you will push you forward instead of holding you back.


7) You are in charge of your own life. Noone is going to come and just hand over things to you. You want to be happy and successful? Decide what that looks like, draw up a plan and what you will need to achieve it and GO FOR IT. You never know unless you try!


8) Love yourself and those around you. Treat everyone well. When God is in your heart, you know how to love others because God is Love.  

1 Corinthians 13

I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.If I give away all I have, and if deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.


Love is patient and kind;love does not envy or boast;it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.


Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away;as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke  like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I become a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.


So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

9) Actions speak louder than words. If people treat you badly, then they don't love you or perhaps they just don't you enough. Forgive them and take a step back from them. Its important to give people chances, but be wise as to how many and with who.


10) Be careful with other people's hearts, my love. Only say you love someone when you mean it. And when someone treats yours badly, pray about what to do. Try everything you can to heal and restore a relationship/marriage - and when everything is done and its just to broken to put back together- walk away knowing that you did everything you could.


11) The world is filled with pain and misery. People do bad things. Be the difference you want to see in the world.


12) Take calculated risks. Travel the world. Tell the people you love, you love them. Educate yourself as much as possible. You only live once, live your life.


Remember my love...

It doesn't matter what you may have done or said,

you will always be my son.

I will always be proud of you

I will always believe in you

I will always love you

Fear infested waters

Tomorrow I go back to work after 3 months of maternity leave and all I can say is "THANK YOU GOD", for bringing me through.

My husbands' infidelities came to light when I was 7 months pregnant. The pain and misery would have killed me, but somehow God held me in the palm of His hand and protected me and my unborn son. I was so worried, that the stress would somehow mess up his development - but his a perfect beautiful baby boy. Thank you Jesus.

There were days, when for fleeting moments when I thought it would be easier just to end my life. These thoughts were just as quickly dismissed as I knew my self worth and the worth of my son was far greater than my circumstances. Thank you God.

Moments turned into hours of bitterly crying. I cried and cried until my nose was numb from wiping and my eyes were rung dry. Feeling alone,rejected and unloved, I remembered that He said he would never leave me, nor forsake me - oh how I am so undeserving  Your mercy and grace. I had left to worship at his alter, when I promised You my heart. How great is Thy faithfulness...

I was drowning in fear infested waters and you said, if I trust You...if only I believe - You will bring me through. Fear held me by the ankles and pulled and tugged me under. It nipped at my heels and grazed my belly. Drowning, falling, fading into darkness- you pulled me out - Thank you God.

In the cold depths of my despair, Your Spirit comforted me. Held me close, stroked my hair, said it will be okay,to trust in the plans You have for me. Blinded by my tears, I closed my eyes and listened to Your voice. Oh how sweet the sound....Your Holy Spirit has walked with me and comforted me, reminding me of who I am.  

I am the daughter of the great I AM. 

Sorry Daddy, for neglecting our relationship - Thank for loving me through it all. You heard my prayer and answered my call - without you I am nothing. I was lost and drowning in the inky blackness of the night - You grabbed me around the waist, lifted me up towards the horizon and showed me the coming light. 

Thank God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for all You have done.

Amen.

Father forgive me, I have sinned...

Did I not see his addiction, because I was an addict too?

This is my confession....

When I was 11 years old, I found a Mills and Boon book in my grandmothers house. It was nothing as risque, as you get in todays books. Back  then the sighting of a heaving bosom was as scintillating as it got. I fell in love immediately. I read that book over and over again, until it literally fell apart.

The rush of feelings that swept my body felt incredible. By then I had noticed boys and I had, had a couple of crushes - but this "feeling" was on a whole new level. I was experiencing lust for the first time and it felt good. My mom caught me reading this book and threw the book away. I took it out of the trash, locked myself in the bathroom and read it again. I wish I could I tell you that this was the end, but it was just the beginning.

I started looking for more and when the local library ran out of books, I searched for bookshops that had the kind of books I was looking for. No longer was the sighting of a "globe" exciting, I needed more...a lot more. The more graphic the better. I was readying about 6 or 7 books a week. I was about 14/15 years old. I used my lunch and travel money to buy books. Choosing to walk home and go hungry, so I could get my fix. And when I didn't have money...I stole. I wanted the books...I NEEDED them. It felt great to "get away with it" and then I started stealing books, even though I had the money. The high from getting away with it and enjoying my treasure was so intoxicating. I did it as often as I could...but then my conscience would attack and I would stop stealing completely or I would buy some and take some, telling myself that I am repeat customer, so they are still making money...

Of course I masturbated, as the feelings coursing through my body was highly addictive and no man could match that feeling. So much so, that I wonder if I have forever reprogrammed by body, only to highly aroused by these books instead of with the man that I love. Today, I don't orgasm...ever. Sex is a great and wonderful experience, but its a different feeling to one I have when reading. My husband thinks I don't understand the feeling and compulsive needs around masturbation and watching porn, but I understand only to clearly. I have felt so disgusted with myself. The need to read and masturbate was compulsive...

It went on this way for years and then I stumbled across online sex. And WOW!! What a rush. Its incredible. I could write my own Mills and Boon scenes with a willing,anonymous partner. The dirtier, the better. By then I had met my husband and I loved him. I figured though, that since I am not actually doing anything physical, it wasn't being unfaithful. But then I started getting irritated with him, more than I should. I was beginning to lose that loving feeling. The more online sex I had, the less I "loved" my boyfriend. One day I sat at my desk ( I was having online sex at work, using work resources...oh man, just writing that made me so sad) and I realised, that I had to choose between my online lover and my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend...it took a while for my system to calm down, but after about two weeks I started feeling like my old self again.I remember that there were days when I felt weak and I would go these online websites and just kinda cruise around...I realised that if I didn't stop cold turkey I would just go back, so every day I committed to not going back to these sites. 

It was getting to scary. I chose to leave my job and work someplace else. A week before my final day, my boss called me into the office and asked me if I let other people use my computer. My sixth sense told me to lie and I said yes, all the time. And then he said, "oh because we got a report that someone is accessing porn from your computer" - I of course acted appropriately disgusted...I remember feeling relieved and grateful that I was leaving this job in a couple of days...I never made that mistake again at the workplace, but seriously what the hell was wrong with me...

I continued reading as much Mills and Boon and other hardcore material I could get my hands on. I flirted with friends - I always thought, that it was no big deal, but given the right kind of environment what would have I done? I had a close call one day, when this guy which invited me to his place. I was tempted for like a second and then I thought to myself WTF and stopped it right there. Its only beens Gods grace, that unlike my husband I haven't actually gone out and made a play for some guy.

When my boyfriend proposed, we moved in together. Our sex life dewindled. He was watching tons of porn and would prefer to touch himself and I was reading Mills and Boon books and thick 'romantic" novels. I put down our lack of sex to just being a phase in the relationship at the time. I never saw the danger surrounding us.

That year my husband started picking up girls on trains and I had a weird expierience. One day, hubby gets up and goes to work. I remember lying in bed and it felt as if someone was straightening out and parting my legs. In half a daze, I thought I was sleeping - but I remember distinctly feeling "awake" but unable to move. I remember feeling like I was about to sex, but noone was there. The feeling called to me and tempted me to just relax and enjoy it. But my sixth sense kicked in and I realised, that something weird was happening and I started to struggle against the feeling and get out of bed. It was so hard! I got so scared. The more I struggled, the more it felt like something was working its way up my body. I started to pray and "it" released me. I stumbled out of bed, shaken and relieved - and yet I perversely missed that sexual feeling. During my darker periods of despair, when I wonder if my husband is telling the truth regarding whether his porn addiction. I remember this thing that happened and I remind myself that  clearly we have issues with lust and I do believe that what I was expieriencing was demonic. Lust pervaded our home and was pulling us further into the darkness and we never saw it coming...

For a while I didn't read Mills and Boons books, but inevitably I started a short while later. Intimacy was nowhere to be found in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once every couple of weeks. We loved each other, but we were not IN love. This is how we carried on for years. Then one day I found out I was pregnant and I asked God, to help us be the best parents we could be for our son. Soon after I discovered my husband having an affair and everything unravelled.

My husband made life altering decisions in the face of his porn addiction, I chose to stand with him. As a family we do not watch nor read porn. We are careful about the kinds of movies we see.We do not masturbate. We have chosen to only share sexual contact with each other and our sex life has never been better.

Some days its hard for me. The impulse to masturbate is strong, but I have taught myself to focus on something else. And when this doesn't work, I simply have to fight through the feeling. Lately I have had "flashbacks" of my favourite Mills and Boon scenes. It just pops up in my mind at unexpected times. I haven't read a book in months...7 months to be exact. As soon as it pops up, I start thinking of something else. But that feeling to enjoy it...noone will know, is so tantalising. 

And this is how I realised that my husband does not stand alone in the porn addict stakes. Yes, I didn't go as far as he did, but I have dishonoured him and God nonetheless.

So as a family, with God firmly leading us forth. We are forging a new path, for a better healthier kind of life. I have realised, that without God my family and I will fall apart. I am sorry, that wondered away from Him so far, but today right here, right now I confess with heart that I have sinned and I am so sorry.

God has heard my cry and He has saved me....