Paranoi my good friend...

Through the years there has been this consistent messaging from various sectors that we shouldn't allow our feelings to rule over our minds, that we need to push past them and not let it control us.

And I get it - sometimes your feelings can lead you astray. They are transient and often are formed by expieriences that have no bearing in the present... for me this applied directly to my own mini porn addiction. I read so many bodice rippers that I believe it numbed my ability to have a normal sexual relationship with my husband because I expected to have the constant intense feelings that litter that kind of literature...and when those feelings aren't there, you think you're not in love. So yeah, feelings sometimes are not your friend - but what about the role of feelings and intuition when it comes to infidelity and more specifically feelings post discovery.

Should our feelings be considered paranoi or intuition? Are our feelings based on our own version of a post traumatic stress disorder and therefore unreliable at worst or red flags at best?

Yesterday I realised that for me it doesn't matter. I know my husband is untrustworthy and I would be foolish to even consider him as a source of real information, so all I have is me...me and my feelings. My feelings helped me to understand that something was wrong that led me to his discovery. My feelings told me that he was a lying peice of a shit, when on the surface he gave a performance of a lifetime. I believed that God used my feelings to save me - its all I had when I had no evidence to go on. However there is a difference now, previously I believe that God directed to me the key questions that eventually led for all his deceit to surface. I never had a sense that I was alone...but now I do. My feelings aren't accompanied by a soothing and calming next step. I feel alone with my feelings and makes me wonder if I am in fact going crazy.  But even then...isn't that enough to leave?

How can I stay, if I can't even trust myself enough to know when his up to no good? I can't bear being tossed around by my feelings. I would leave just for calmness sake...

My husband seems to think that my staying is hanging on his ability to be honest and for a while I thought so to - but I have since discovered that far more critical than this is not whether I can trust my husband again, its whether I can trust myself.

I am in serious trouble

I am struggling guys. My brilliant plan to dupe via using a fake profile on Badoo, didn't work out. Deception is so foreign to me, that I am no match for him. I can only last a couple of days with any of my cunning plans to bring him to book and then I blurt it all out.

This morning, in our little black golf. I looked at him as I opened up with " I know what you've been doing". . I told him about the website and that I saw a profile that I thought was his. He swallowed ...hard...out of fear? Nervousness? I watched his side profile for any hint of a lie - he came out swinging. "I don't know what you think you saw, but I am not any social networking sites...I've stayed away...I'm not doing anything" he said I should keep speaking to the guy and I will find out for myself that its not him...the problem with that, is that internet guy has dissapeared after I slipped up in one of my responses to him. The rythym of my speech and the way I flirted was exactly what I would say and do with my husband...since then, nothing. Gone...

My chest is hurting.Its beginning to happen more regularly now. Its a sharp pain that feels like its under my breast plate. Sometimes its on the right side, but more often than not, its on my left. Sometimes my left arm feels weird. Its not sore...its just...different. I think its the constant stress of wondering whether my husband is fucking some whore...maybe its from the idea, that maybe that would be okay as long as his good to our son and me. Thats how other women do it right and they manage...maybe I could be that kind of woman too.

Its just that...I wanted the hero.I always told my husband that the reason why I thought we were a great couple was because I knew he would be able to carry on without me...only to find that thats not what I want after all. I want love beyond all reason...I want the loyalty to the point of him wanting to be my second shadow. I want a man who would miss me, if I were to leave even for a week. My husband is not this man.

Maybe I am having a bad week - but more often than not, I am wondering whether a trial seperation would be great. I have asked him to move into our second bedroom before...but this is different. It would be feel out what living without him would be like. To have one day of peace, where I don't have to look at his face and wondering how can someone so beautiful, be so ugly inside.I would want to know if I would be in fact a lot happier without him.The only thing stopping me, is that I don't like a back and forth thing going on. For me, I enjoy making decisions and sticking to them. If he leaves...I am not sure whether I would take him back, even if I wanted to, out of fear that I would only ask him to leave once again sometime further down the line.

Guys ANY advice? How did you manage to stay sane after all our partners have done?

Pee like a lady...

My mother taught me many things. She taught me how to walk like a lady , how to sit like a lady, which knife and fork to use and when, even  which words and tone to use...she taught me how be the perfect lady and yes, she taught me how to pee like one too i.e. in order to avoid the vulgar splashing sound, when others are within hearing range - line the bottom with some loo paper LOL !

Image becomes really important, when its all you have to get ahead.

My mom however never mentioned some other life saving tips, that I have needed to find out on my own. Like how attention from a man feels great, but it could endanger your relationship. So how do you let a guy down, when his great and you enjoy being in his company - but its dodgy, because of how partner might feel about it.

So last night, while feeling vulnerable about my husband attending his staff party - wouldn't you believe that I get a "LinkedIn" invitation from that guy who was here a couple of weeks ago? We got on really well. While I didn't find him physically attrative, his interest me felt amazing. But like a good girl, I declined his invitation to dinner. I "lost" his card and ignored his invite to search for each other on LinkedIn - but hells bells, in my inbox currently sits an invite to be connected.

Now I could be misreading him and maybe his simply a nice guy, but I can't afford to take that chance. Feeling rather pleased with his interest (enough to actually look for me, after silence on my end), for a second I was tempted to not tell my husband and just accept the guy as a connection. Fortunately, sanity reigned and I realised three NB things

1) If I am to hold my husband accountable with intergrity, I need to disclose what is happening and what I am going to do about it. Not only do I expect full disclosure from my husband as well and therefore should role-model it- but without this, I lose my moral standing and thats all I got right now. Plus, if things go sour, I want to be able to look my husband in the face and say - this is what I contended with, these are choices I had made to protect our marriage. Pack up your shit and go...maybe I will even have the tune "R.E.S.P.E.C.T" playing in the background...

2) When you are feeling low and vulnerable, the devil attacks. Sitting there, feeling sorry for myself - I get an invite from some guy, who potentially could wreck the fragile beginnings again of our marriage.Unbelievable...

3) Lastly, wow do you politely tell someone who may or may not be interested in you, that you are not interested? I was brought up having to kiss uncles and aunties even though I felt uncomfortable, because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I was taught to politely nod and smile, when even the most asinine opinion was offered by someone else. We must strive to not hurt other peoples feelings. We want everyone to like us. Smile, laugh, flirt a little and be soft and understanding in all communication, lest you seem agressive and unladylilke... We simply do not do outright rejection. So now, as a grown ass woman, I feel uncomfortable "rejecting" a perfectly nice person -who I was friendly towards (I had to as part of relationship building for my company) and maybe took it the wrong way...

I wonder what my mother would say...

But for now I think I will just politely delete his invitation and hopefully we never run into each other again...

I am losing my shit

It was around this time last year that my world was caving in around me and I am currently losing my shit. I am convinced his cheating on me again.

Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...

This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways

Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.

His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...

I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.

He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:

"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...

I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.

I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.

Im going to go for walk...".

He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...


We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.

The Pyrrhic victory

Pyrrhic victory \PIR-ik\ , noun:
A victory achieved at great or excessive cost; a ruinous victory.

They say, that you should stay after your partner cheats provided they understand the amount of pain they have caused. They say that once a cheater sees the destruction they have caused, he will treat you like a queen. They will never ever cheat again.Why let another woman benefit from the pain from you have endured. To reap the rewards of living with a reformed cheat.

But what measure of happiness can really be gotten by staying? So what if he treats you like precious stones - where was this care before? So what if his now on the straight and narrow? By staying you have doomed yourself to a lifetime of questioning his faithfulness...every background sound over the phone could be another woman...every tap of a keyboard could be an online chat. What price am I to pay for my 'reward'. They say that being with someone who has cheated on you once is better than being with someone has never cheated on you before. The logic being that once its done, its over with. But someone who has never cheated is always wondering and can do it at anytime.

How fucked up is that. It's better to stay with someone who has betrayed you, in the hopes that they have learnt their lesson after seeing you cry? In the meantime your life slips away, waiting for him to betray himself again. What kind of life is that? Is this the life I am meant to have? Seeming gratitude that its happened and move on as if its all par for the course? I can't...I just can't. It hurts to much. I would rather be alone, than to wait for him to slip up. I don't want to be with anyone else. I just don't want to be with him...

The loss is to great, tainting dreams in hues of bittersweetness.

I am left dying on the battlefield of his addiction. The trauma to my shattered heart can barely be endured through gritted teeth. He wails over my broken self, trying to withdraw the knife he savaged me with. He tells me the battle is over and we won...I try to smile but as far as I can see I am the only casuality of war. I am the bloodprice for his victory...