Moments of assholedom

When he was steeped in his addiction - emotionally he was absent and this meant that sometimes he acted like a complete asshole. Right now, his trying to find healthy coping mechanisms for his frustation and anger and porn used to be his to go to feel better remedy. But every now and then, he acts like a complete jerk.

So last night, I made dinner - which I don't do often as he generally cooks. I make curry and decided to add vegetables on the side. He lost it. He sulked and told me that I ruined his meal, like a child he seperated the veggies and meat so it wouldn't touch other and after he was done eating the curry, he threw away the veggies in the bin.

I threw a fit of note!! Before I would have been so hurt and upset, I would have cried and wondered whats wrong with him. But this time, I realised that I have given him to much power by excusing inexcusable behaviour. I have been to soft for to long and its time to grow a set. So the two of us sat down for a "little chat" about his absolute disrepect for me. OH MY WORD people, I have never heard a grown man sound like such a belligerent brat before. "But I didn't like it", "I didn't like the texture" blah blah...so I ran through a couple of experiential exercises with him and I think he finally got the point.But its got me thinking...

I am starting to think that he has a serious problem with empathy. He struggles to relate to other people and how his actions will have impact on people. He is totally absorbed into himself. Is this a consequence of his addiction - his inability to connect and care about other people or perhaps better put, has it resulted in his inability to put others in front of himself?

Its such a foreign concept to me - I have chosen to live a life of  being in service to others - how do you get to be the kind of person he is? I blame his dad...but I blame him more. We can choose to be different. We can choose to change.

I am glad his in recovery, but that doesn't mean its enough for me to stay. We all have our bad days - but if his way of being is to be asshole, I choose not to play the bitch or the victim. I would rather be alone and happy than married and miserable.

How to catch a cheat

Exasperated, my husband said he doesn't know how to show me his being faithful. This after once again, I compulsively asked him questions about what has gone on before. All I can do, he said, is keep on doing what I am doing and hopefully one day you will see that I'm not cheating anymore.

Well that would be great. Not to look at my husband and think about who has he attempted to screw that day.  And to be honest I have no intention of spending my life with a man, where this is a distinct possibility.  How can I be sure of his faithfulness? My plan is simple. I will give him a false sense of confidence till August, at that point I will be sending him for a lie detector test. There is no way I am spending my 30th birthday with a lying piece of shit.

I started yesterday. It was hard, but I managed. He wanted to go play cricket with some family members and two overseas students (girls) were scheduled to go along. They would be in their early twenties, bubbly and unchanged by life burdens. I didn't make a fuss - I wished him well and sent him off with a smile. When he came back, I didn't ask him any questions related to them. Let him think that I am over it...

And thats my plan. I will be doing my best not to bring up the past, I will not be exploring his laptop or googling his name every other day, to see if it will come up on some random chat group. Checking on him at every opportunity.

I want my life back. I am tired of being consumed by doubt and resentment.  He wants to cheat, I will do the best I can to provide him with an environment in which that is possible. 

I plan on going to see my sister soon. She lives in another city. I would like to go away for maybe 1 or 2 nights. I am beginning to encourage my husband to leave our son, with my mom - because I am sure he will need a bit of a break. He said no, because of two things : with our son at home, he won't cheat and if he gives him to my mom - I won't believe that he didn't cheat. I am working on it though. Maybe I will spin it, that since I am going on a mini break, he should enjoy himself as well and just take some time off.

The bottom line is that if I want to see if he will cheat, I need to provide the opportunities. I can't keep him on a tight leash forever. I refuse to operate in fear for the rest of my life. So ja. I wish my husband good luck- he has his whole family to gain and only his sin to lose.

Starting weight: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 107.1kgs
Loss: 3.5ksg

He cheated on valentines day

I found his username today...the name his been using for all his online activities. All I had to do was google it and...site after site...post after post came up. At first it really confirmed for me that my husband has a problem. But then I noticed that a couple of posts were made on valentines day last year. Want to know what I was doing last year? I had to travel for work... I publicly sent him messages of love on facebook. I dedicated a love song to him. I stood waiting by the phone, because I didn't want to miss his call. Told him I missed him and that I couldn't wait to get home to him.

I always thought it was dysfunctional to believe, that it is better to be in a relationship where the other person loves you more than you love them. But now...now I see...I have been loving him for so long, when he hasn't loved me the same. Maybe liked...maybe even liked alot...but not love. What kind of love humiliates and degrades like this...what kind of love smiles and holds me,while emailing tons of women looking for sex.

Sometimes when I am feeling gracious I remind myself, that I too have flirted and have had my share of crushes...but its nothing like this. Not the length, width or breadth of it...

He didn't want to celebrate valentines day because our wedding anniversary was the 1st March and he said he didn't have enough money to celebrate both. I understood and wholeheartedly agreed. Now...now it looks like valentines day just didn't mean a damn thing and he simply didn't care.

A long time ago, I asked him to stop telling me he loved me, because he didn't understand the meaning of the word. Lately I thought that perhaps I am to harsh, but after all I have seen- I realise I am right and I am one step closer to divorce. Who wants to be with someone who can only be faithful if you're same room with them? Who wants to be in a marriage, where you love your partner more than they love you? My mother once told me, never to give something precious over to someone who did not understand the value of it. They would merely treat as garbage. "Never throw pearls before swine" was her exact words.Is my heart not precious. Am I not precious? One thing for sure - his a pig and doesn't deserve me.

I am more sure now than ever, that he has had sex with more women than what he has let on. I am not convinced that he has stopped visiting sites. I have no proof. But something told me, something was wrong before. I feel that way now...I could ask him, but he lies straight to my face and sometimes even with a smile - so what would be the point. I am no match for him. Maybe if we got divorced, we could start again...later, when he has done and explored all that he needs to explore.

I feel foolish and stupid. What am I going to do?

Just do it - cheat already

His wearing a shirt today...


In the middle of this week, when he was super busy and meeting people he wore a dirty t-shirt to work because he see why wearing a clean shirt was better and today is traditionally a very slow day, where he literally just sits in his office and plays games...and today his wearing a nice shirt. I wonder who his trying to impress.


I watch him with his laptop, to see if he quickly clicks out of things whenever I am close...


At night, I sometimes watch him while his sleeping to see if he will give anything away. I wonder if his cheating on me again and it makes me sad that this is what my marriage has come to.


They say it takes 3-4 years to truly get over betrayal, but I don't know if I can hang on for that long. The waiting to see if I can catch him out again, the misery when I realise I will never really know for sure. I am so tired of not knowing, not trusting...I miss the warmth of security.

I have constant dreams, where I catch him cheating again. Mostly his having dinner with a female co-worker after he told me he needs to work late.In my dreams I feel sad, but also surprisingly a strong sense of relief. I guess its because if he cheats, the waiting will be over. I can move on with my life and leave him behind knowing that I did the best I could for our son. There will be no more waiting to see if he lets me down again. There will be no more second guessing when he looks nice for work.I won't have the compulsive need to check where his phone is every time he goes to the bathroom in case his texting someone else. It will just be me and I think I could be really am happy with that.


I have deliberately chosen not to remind him that we have agreed that he will be taking a lie detector test. He will assume that I am beginning to trust him again. I have decided to give him enough rope to hang himself. So I will try to not use his laptop any more and I will stop asking him how his "temptations" are going. We are supposed to have relationship Thursdays where we talk about our relationship - but I won't bring it up any more. The sooner he cheats on me, the sooner I can get on with my life instead of wasting more time on someone who loves me, but apparently doesn't love me enough to stop sleeping around.


If I had money I would pay a woman to strike a relationship with him and tempt him. I really would and if she cracks him within a month- there would even be a bonus...mmmmm I need a hug :-(

The shame of the Stepford wife

So we're talking about Christmas plans with my parents over the weekend and I suggested we have the family lunch over at our place. I turned to my husband and asked him how many people does he think we can fit into our lounge and he says "Well, remember the birthday dinner you threw me last year? There was about 10 people there" and just like that, I felt foolish all over again.

I remember his birthday... 

I remember that I slaved to make a 3 course meal with assorted side dishes for 10 people. I remember asking my mom for cutlery and crockery, because I didn't have any that was fancy enough. I borrowed linens and tables...and on the night, there I was - warmer on the go, coffee tray in hand - praising him in front of everyone for being such a fantastic husband...

 And now...now I just feel stupid for going all out in front of everyone to make him happy. I feel like an idiot, because while I was planned his birthday party - he most likely planned on registering himself on yet another dating website. 


I sometimes wonder if my single friends saw his dating profiles, but never mentioned it to me:-( 


To add further insult to injury, besides the public humiliation - there is the private shame about how he always acted so possessive about his wedding band and photos of me. He would always pretend to get upset, if I deleted a photo of myself that I didn't like off his phone. He feigned anger, that I was messing with something that was precious to him. He would really go all out. Sputtering about how I am not ever allowed to touch his phone again. That the photos are special. Blah blah blah blah....


Oh and the damn wedding band. He always ensured that he had it on. When he took off for soccer, it would be the first thing he would ask for when we went home.2 days before D day, he told me that it was special to him because it reminded him of me - that same day he spent the night chatting away online. Mmmm, I wonder if he took it off when he made out with that chick after we got married....


Now I can't bear the thought of taking photos with him and he can shove his band. As a matter of fact, I no longer wear my wedding ring, because it has lost all meaning. I cringe at the thought, that we are going to have pose for family pics come Christmas. And if he asks for photos of just the two of us...I don't know. What would be the point? Its not like carrying around photos of me helped him stay faithful - as a matter of fact when he started his last FB relationship, his profile pic was of the two of us together.


I am devastated and embarrassed that I so publicly championed him. He smile and enjoyed it, while betraying me with any harlot he could find...


Well no more. He won't make a fool of me again. He can take his band and shove it and as for photos...well my son better be there, because his the only reason I would be willing to take them!

Dear asshole

There have been some terrible moments over the last couple of months,  that are so painful I can't even bear to say it out loud...

4.Listening to you, while you were having dream sex with someone else. 

3.Last valentines day, I had to work in a different city. I made such an     idiot out of myself dedicating songs to you over facebook, telling everyone who cared to listen how amazing you were. You called me, to say you loved me to. Realising now that when you put the phone down - you had online sex with someone else.

2.Finally embracing the fact that my husband will cheat, manipulate and lie with no remorse.

But you know what the worst was?

1.Lying alone in my hospital bed,tubes sticking of me- unable to move and softly weeping in the dark - wondering whether you were with your mistress. I had never felt so

ALONE 

and so  

 UNLOVED. 

I will never tell you this, because 

I have my pride.