The causalities of war

The beat that drums within my breast,inspires me- lifts me - opens me to a world of feeling and thought.

I literally have a soundtrack to my life. At any given life event, I could tell you what I was listening and dancing to. Music has entwined itself to my state of conscience, so much that we are one. In moments of great joy and sadness music comes to the fore - it flashes through me as means of expression as what I am really feeling. 

There has been some surprise discoveries this past year - the biggest being when I went to my husbands place of work, to take a good look at his mistress, the soundtrack was " A little less conversation" by Elvis Presley. I couldn't believe, but that is my "I am about to kick your ass" track. I discovered Adele (who at first I HATED because she liked it and I thought she was sending my husband messages through songs) - but the lyrics caught my heart and I decided it wasn't Adele's fault that even ho's like her music.

And just like I have had music hero's that have comforted me, I have some of my most beloved soldiers die out in the field. I can't bear listening to Jill Scott anymore. I have always associated my husband with "He loves me" - its a beautifully written and heartfelt song about how I felt about my husband and now...now its just absurd. To listen to it now, feels as if I left my raw heart open to flayed. I can't bear it. I deleted all her music. I just can't see myself ever listening to her again. It reminds me to much of how much I loved him, while he was loving some one else...

Another is Michael Buble - Michael was the romantic soundtrack of our lives. My husband took me to his concert once and " L.O.V.E" was our wedding song.  Since then I have found out that, the concert was shortly after his first affair with a co-worker (he denies he bought the tickets because he felt guilty...I don't believe him) - looking back at our wedding song, thinking that for that whole year he was sleeping around and picking women up, just makes a joke of it. I can't separate him tearing up at our wedding to this track, while knowing that he betrayed me over and over again.  Now its Christmas time and I see promotions for Michaels new Christmas CD and my stomach rolls. I hope he doesn't try and buy me the CD to make me happy, because I'm gonna have to tell him - that I don't ever want to listen his music ever again.

I loved them both, but they gotta go. The killing fields of marriage is littered with my love, hopes and dreams. I don't know if I will miss them, but c'est le vie - the soundtrack to my life will go on.

Just do it - cheat already

His wearing a shirt today...


In the middle of this week, when he was super busy and meeting people he wore a dirty t-shirt to work because he see why wearing a clean shirt was better and today is traditionally a very slow day, where he literally just sits in his office and plays games...and today his wearing a nice shirt. I wonder who his trying to impress.


I watch him with his laptop, to see if he quickly clicks out of things whenever I am close...


At night, I sometimes watch him while his sleeping to see if he will give anything away. I wonder if his cheating on me again and it makes me sad that this is what my marriage has come to.


They say it takes 3-4 years to truly get over betrayal, but I don't know if I can hang on for that long. The waiting to see if I can catch him out again, the misery when I realise I will never really know for sure. I am so tired of not knowing, not trusting...I miss the warmth of security.

I have constant dreams, where I catch him cheating again. Mostly his having dinner with a female co-worker after he told me he needs to work late.In my dreams I feel sad, but also surprisingly a strong sense of relief. I guess its because if he cheats, the waiting will be over. I can move on with my life and leave him behind knowing that I did the best I could for our son. There will be no more waiting to see if he lets me down again. There will be no more second guessing when he looks nice for work.I won't have the compulsive need to check where his phone is every time he goes to the bathroom in case his texting someone else. It will just be me and I think I could be really am happy with that.


I have deliberately chosen not to remind him that we have agreed that he will be taking a lie detector test. He will assume that I am beginning to trust him again. I have decided to give him enough rope to hang himself. So I will try to not use his laptop any more and I will stop asking him how his "temptations" are going. We are supposed to have relationship Thursdays where we talk about our relationship - but I won't bring it up any more. The sooner he cheats on me, the sooner I can get on with my life instead of wasting more time on someone who loves me, but apparently doesn't love me enough to stop sleeping around.


If I had money I would pay a woman to strike a relationship with him and tempt him. I really would and if she cracks him within a month- there would even be a bonus...mmmmm I need a hug :-(

Sick...reeeaally

Sick huh?

Mmmmm, my first day back at work and my husband has decided that today he is sick and needs to stay home...

Of course the first thought that went through my mind, was whether his actually staying home to either have;

a) Online sex with someone

b) Actual sex with someone

c)  Sex with himself

Before I caught him, I would have been soooo sorry for him. Poor baby! But when I think about the time he actually went to meet someone he met online - I wonder if he told me if he was "sick" then to and had to stay home...or maybe he just pretended to go to work.

I am sad that my first thoughts are now whether or not his actually screwing around. I am sadder still that I then immediately think, that is doesn't matter - with the next lie detector test I'll catch him out.  But you can bet your ass on this -if he has been creeping around, there is not enough meds in the world that will save him from what I got in store!