He lied about his staff party

Today is a hard day. Its my husbands first fathers day and he has gone off to visit his dad, with our son. I am losing it a little bit. The problem is, is that his way to happy. You know, like uncharacteristically(?) over the top happy. My first thought is, what the hell are you so happy about and the next is...what has he been up to that his so happy. His been this way for about a week now...

I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be miserable and forever angry about what his done. He has no right to be happy.

Maybe the problem is that it reminds me of how he used to be. He was an amazing partner is every way except the bedroom. Ever so helpful and with a spring his step...his been like that lately and I can't stand it.

I did what I never thought I would do...I looked up a local hypnotist in the area. I sent them an email asking how much it would be...I am so desperate for a concrete answer. I mean, he can't lie then right? The words will literally come out of his own mouth.  I am genuinely struggling with the whole just seeing how things go approach...If we get divorced, I am afraid that it won't be because he cheated. It will because I am no longer sure of him. I don't know if I can live with the uncertainty.

Is this how it will always be? He smiles and I am suspicious? He laughs a little to readily and I immediately search his laptop for tell tale signs. Its driving me crazy...in my head I have a list of things he has done wrong in the last 6 months and its piling up and up and up. I keep thinking, I can't take responsibility for him. I can't monitor his every move and facial expression - I need to let go and let God - but every time he does something wrong, my chest tightens and I get a weird sharp pain in my right breastbone...I have been carrying around this list of everything he has done that has offended me and has broken our agreement we made last year and I need to download, so here it is in no particular order:

1.He has two Skype accounts. Why does anyone need two? In one of them I noticed that under contact info the email address is an old one, that he used to have all his porn notifications sent to. WTF is that?

2.Lied about his whereabouts - He lied about his staff party. He forgot he told me, that he had told me that this would happen monthly. One day I get a phone call and he says he has to stay late for a work presentation. I was pissed - I didn't believe him, but hey it could be true right. So he comes home late and he says that he needs to tell me something...that he was at his staff party and didn't want to upset me by telling me about it. As part of the staff party, there apparently was a real work presentation. He told me that he hadn't planned on telling me about the staff party because it would stress me out - but it then was expected of him to stay late and it couldn't be avoided...my reaction was less than ladylike.

3. He continues to have multiple harddrives

4. He continues to have multiple email addresses -3 different email addresses that I know of.

5.He continues  to bring his laptop home with him even though we now have a personal pc at home.

Of course there he has given a reason for all it, but deep down inside I think its all bullshit. I don't believe him. That's why I pushed hard for the lie detector test and when that went bust - I was left speechless.

On the other side of things:

1.Our sex life is which was close to dead as could be, has drastically improved. Which technically should mean, that his porn habits has taken a back seat right?We have intimacy issues and having a baby has made it even harder...but we can work on that.
2.He initiated counselling
3.He very happily went on a marriage course I found and has answered all the same questions over and over again.
4.I know he lied about the staff party, but he didn't need to tell me that he did.
5.I have 3 email addresses - 1 work, 1 current, 1 old (it has my maiden name on it and I don't want to give it up in case we get divorced)... I thought that maybe we could get a family email account, but I thinking that thats to drastic. We are both individuals with separate identities...also the emails I send to my BFF is less than flattering about him and I would need to give that up.

6. The relationship feels better now than its been over the last couple of years.

I find myself thinking, so what if his having the odd sex chat online- as long as it doesn't negatively impact on our relationship and I never find out about it...it will be okay.

Sometimes I wonder if we should just get divorced, so it no longer becomes my problem what he does. The peace that can be found in something like that, gets more and more attractive each passing day.

I wonder if its all a big show and once again I am playing the starring role of the fool...I am so desperate to believe that we could be a happy well adjusted family. But perhaps I am to desperate?

Today is a hard day...

The ministers daughter

My earliest memories are of the church. Nights and mornings - week days and weekends - our life was the church. My grandparents were ministers and we are a ministering family. Often my grandmother would talk about how her father would walk the streets with an accordian calling people to church on a Sunday morning. We are church folk...its in our blood.

And just as we are of the church - we are also broken. I wish that someone had told me thats its possible to be both, instead of feeling like a failure when my brokeness and my faith conflicted with one another. This weekend was a reminder of our families brokeness and our anointedness...

I watched as my mom took to the stage. My mom - who in her old age has grown bitter about the harsh hand life has dealt her...my mom the flirt and rage-o-holic...she stood and opended her mouth and I felt Gods presence in my heart.  She sang and sang and my spirit stilled within me and I was blessed.

There are many who are capable, but there are very few who are called to minister. My mother is one of the called. I sat there and I was reminded that God does not call on us because of who we are...He calls on us, despite of who we are. Broken and imperfect, in Him we are made vessels and testiment to His grace and mercy.

I listened as the ocherstra and choir swelled up in chorus behind her and I thought, how is it that God picked such a woman to bless thousands of people? They don't know her like I know her. They don't know how we suffered at her hand and her sharp tongue when we grew up. They have no idea of the fear her impatience inspired...oh, but now when she sings, its connects you to something other than yourself. How is it that God chose her to bring forth his message to millions? Maybe it was because of her brokeness and her own sexual and physical abuse that has paved the way for her to truly reflect the human heart. We feel ugly and unworthy, but like David a man who fell time and time again - we still can rise up and sing and dance to glory of God...our worship and praise sincere and honest because we have been in the valley of death and have been lost in the darkness - we truly understand the misery of pain and therefore we now understand His comfort and love.

God sees us for more than our mistakes and the terrible things that have been done to us and what we have done to each other. In us He sees His image and we are made perfect by His blood.

It is comforting to know God loves me enough for the both us and even when my brokeness gets in the way, His faith in me never wanes.

I am reminded that its okay to be broken...its only in Christ that I am made whole. My past does not define me - it's part of my testimony. I don't know why certain things have happended in my life - but its okay, because God will always be with me.

Pee like a lady...

My mother taught me many things. She taught me how to walk like a lady , how to sit like a lady, which knife and fork to use and when, even  which words and tone to use...she taught me how be the perfect lady and yes, she taught me how to pee like one too i.e. in order to avoid the vulgar splashing sound, when others are within hearing range - line the bottom with some loo paper LOL !

Image becomes really important, when its all you have to get ahead.

My mom however never mentioned some other life saving tips, that I have needed to find out on my own. Like how attention from a man feels great, but it could endanger your relationship. So how do you let a guy down, when his great and you enjoy being in his company - but its dodgy, because of how partner might feel about it.

So last night, while feeling vulnerable about my husband attending his staff party - wouldn't you believe that I get a "LinkedIn" invitation from that guy who was here a couple of weeks ago? We got on really well. While I didn't find him physically attrative, his interest me felt amazing. But like a good girl, I declined his invitation to dinner. I "lost" his card and ignored his invite to search for each other on LinkedIn - but hells bells, in my inbox currently sits an invite to be connected.

Now I could be misreading him and maybe his simply a nice guy, but I can't afford to take that chance. Feeling rather pleased with his interest (enough to actually look for me, after silence on my end), for a second I was tempted to not tell my husband and just accept the guy as a connection. Fortunately, sanity reigned and I realised three NB things

1) If I am to hold my husband accountable with intergrity, I need to disclose what is happening and what I am going to do about it. Not only do I expect full disclosure from my husband as well and therefore should role-model it- but without this, I lose my moral standing and thats all I got right now. Plus, if things go sour, I want to be able to look my husband in the face and say - this is what I contended with, these are choices I had made to protect our marriage. Pack up your shit and go...maybe I will even have the tune "R.E.S.P.E.C.T" playing in the background...

2) When you are feeling low and vulnerable, the devil attacks. Sitting there, feeling sorry for myself - I get an invite from some guy, who potentially could wreck the fragile beginnings again of our marriage.Unbelievable...

3) Lastly, wow do you politely tell someone who may or may not be interested in you, that you are not interested? I was brought up having to kiss uncles and aunties even though I felt uncomfortable, because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I was taught to politely nod and smile, when even the most asinine opinion was offered by someone else. We must strive to not hurt other peoples feelings. We want everyone to like us. Smile, laugh, flirt a little and be soft and understanding in all communication, lest you seem agressive and unladylilke... We simply do not do outright rejection. So now, as a grown ass woman, I feel uncomfortable "rejecting" a perfectly nice person -who I was friendly towards (I had to as part of relationship building for my company) and maybe took it the wrong way...

I wonder what my mother would say...

But for now I think I will just politely delete his invitation and hopefully we never run into each other again...

Demons and Divorce

I am a terrible Christian. My basic tendency is toward a tangible and scientific approach to life. Like many Christians out there, I have merged what  I have deemed common sense and my faith. For example, I believe in evolution - I also believe that God designed us and the world that way...but every now and then a little voice in my head whispers in my ear "Are you sure, God is real" - "What if Jesus wasn't the son of God, instead just a kid that had to be explained away by an unmarried woman". I feel intense guilt and resolve not to waver in my faith again...but it still happens every now and then. When I can't chase away these thoughts, I become my own witness. I testify to myself about Gods mercy and what He has done for me and believe me, He has done plenty. How can I question, when I have experienced his presence, seen Him move mountains on my behalf and literally have seen Him carry me through the valley death... and its happening again. Lately I haven't been praying as much as I should and in the oddest moments the voice calls to me..."Are you sure...?"


Well yes
                                                                          I AM SURE


let me tell you about what God has done for my marriage. He has led me every step of the way. Its because of Him that I have discovered what my husband is and in turn myself. I can't begin to tell you the divine intervention that took place. God planted questions and "feelings" that I went with, that I didn't understand - but once I obeyed them, my once "private" husband opened up like you wouldn't believe.  After the God inspired "lie detector" test idea, my husband told me things he never would have said - the result of which was me chucking my husband out of the house. At that moment, if someone had put divorce papers in front of me, I would have signed them.


Anyways, so after he left and I had time to think, I called a meeting to see what he wanted to do with our marriage. It was a heavy conversation spiritually. God opened up my eyes and I saw...things. My husbands countenance had changed...his eyes were shifty and he couldn't look me in the eyes. I am not talking nervousness, this was darker. At first I didn't recognise it for what it was, but slowly as our argument got heated it showed its face more and more. It was this spiritual awareness, that kept me from telling  him go to hell, I want  a divorce. My husband refused to fight for our marriage beyond the token protest in the beginning. His lack of passion to save us, didn't ring true for some reason ( I know its crazy, since his been cheating on me, but something was "off".) The conversation circled a couple of times, until we came to an impasse. He wasn't making enough of an effort to fight for me and then out of nowhere I asked him, "What do you want to do, once we get divorced?" And then he spoke to me about how he was "curious" about other women. I asked him whether this was porn curiosity or you want to be in another relationship curiosity. He looked at me in surprise and said, its a porn curiosity. He didn't realise it before...but its just about sex,not about us. And that moment was the birth of us trying again. I recognised that my husband had no idea what was going on his own heart and mind.  Porn had him wrapped up so tight, he couldn't see beyond the nudy pictures. I remember the moment I shifted to warrior mode instead of hurt wife. Its happened a couple of times over the last couple of months. Its like the pain shuts off and suddenly I am operating on a strength and clarity for greater than my own. Once he told me that his curiosity was porn related, I shape shifted. I was going to fight my husband for my husband.


The shifty eyed bastard was more prominent now, as the truth was slowly emerging. My husband began to sway ever so slightly and began looking like a trapped animal. I tapped into what God has always told me -"I will be with you always"  I refused to be intimidated and I went for the kill.  I looked my husband and knew, that he would need to come and get me. To active "show me" his choice. God had brought us to this place, where his confusion was laid bare and insight was brought to the table. We had gone as far as we could, now it was my husbands turn. I sat in silence and waited...he looked me and said. "Its not from God is it? This curiosity..." I said "No" and waited some more. I watched as my husband waged an internal battle and started to cry. My heart went out to him, but I sat glued to my seat. The devil was playing games, trying out different approaches to get a reaction out of me. He has tried the nonchalance passive approach, designed to hurt me and anger me into a divorce, he tried the insincere crying apology to stop any more questions because I would feel so sorry for him. He tried out irritation, to make me impatient - but God kept me stable and I saw through it all. It was like all these arrows were continually being fired at my heart, but Gods armour kept me so safe, I didn't feel a thing. After about 2.5 hours - I watched as I saw the first sincere tear roll from his eyes. In the silence my husband has fought his demon and reached for me and ultimately God. He pleaded with me to stay, he said he would become the man the I needed him to be...and I believed him for the first time, since our meeting began. After he did that, his countenance changed again. Eyes red with crying, he no longer looked shifty...he was calm and I felt he was spiritually present with me.


This conversation, more than any other shifted the direction of our marriage. I literally saw his demons weigh on him and I watched him fight it. If he had been a coward or loved me less, I would be divorced today. Instead, God put a fire in my belly and I fought hard. God took him by the hand, and showed him what was truly going on in his heart. We met each other at the half way line. I take no responsibility for this intervention. I was simply a conduit for His word.


I know God was there, I felt Him and saw His wisdom in every action.  Praise be to God for all He has done.