He lied about his staff party

Today is a hard day. Its my husbands first fathers day and he has gone off to visit his dad, with our son. I am losing it a little bit. The problem is, is that his way to happy. You know, like uncharacteristically(?) over the top happy. My first thought is, what the hell are you so happy about and the next is...what has he been up to that his so happy. His been this way for about a week now...

I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be miserable and forever angry about what his done. He has no right to be happy.

Maybe the problem is that it reminds me of how he used to be. He was an amazing partner is every way except the bedroom. Ever so helpful and with a spring his step...his been like that lately and I can't stand it.

I did what I never thought I would do...I looked up a local hypnotist in the area. I sent them an email asking how much it would be...I am so desperate for a concrete answer. I mean, he can't lie then right? The words will literally come out of his own mouth.  I am genuinely struggling with the whole just seeing how things go approach...If we get divorced, I am afraid that it won't be because he cheated. It will because I am no longer sure of him. I don't know if I can live with the uncertainty.

Is this how it will always be? He smiles and I am suspicious? He laughs a little to readily and I immediately search his laptop for tell tale signs. Its driving me crazy...in my head I have a list of things he has done wrong in the last 6 months and its piling up and up and up. I keep thinking, I can't take responsibility for him. I can't monitor his every move and facial expression - I need to let go and let God - but every time he does something wrong, my chest tightens and I get a weird sharp pain in my right breastbone...I have been carrying around this list of everything he has done that has offended me and has broken our agreement we made last year and I need to download, so here it is in no particular order:

1.He has two Skype accounts. Why does anyone need two? In one of them I noticed that under contact info the email address is an old one, that he used to have all his porn notifications sent to. WTF is that?

2.Lied about his whereabouts - He lied about his staff party. He forgot he told me, that he had told me that this would happen monthly. One day I get a phone call and he says he has to stay late for a work presentation. I was pissed - I didn't believe him, but hey it could be true right. So he comes home late and he says that he needs to tell me something...that he was at his staff party and didn't want to upset me by telling me about it. As part of the staff party, there apparently was a real work presentation. He told me that he hadn't planned on telling me about the staff party because it would stress me out - but it then was expected of him to stay late and it couldn't be avoided...my reaction was less than ladylike.

3. He continues to have multiple harddrives

4. He continues to have multiple email addresses -3 different email addresses that I know of.

5.He continues  to bring his laptop home with him even though we now have a personal pc at home.

Of course there he has given a reason for all it, but deep down inside I think its all bullshit. I don't believe him. That's why I pushed hard for the lie detector test and when that went bust - I was left speechless.

On the other side of things:

1.Our sex life is which was close to dead as could be, has drastically improved. Which technically should mean, that his porn habits has taken a back seat right?We have intimacy issues and having a baby has made it even harder...but we can work on that.
2.He initiated counselling
3.He very happily went on a marriage course I found and has answered all the same questions over and over again.
4.I know he lied about the staff party, but he didn't need to tell me that he did.
5.I have 3 email addresses - 1 work, 1 current, 1 old (it has my maiden name on it and I don't want to give it up in case we get divorced)... I thought that maybe we could get a family email account, but I thinking that thats to drastic. We are both individuals with separate identities...also the emails I send to my BFF is less than flattering about him and I would need to give that up.

6. The relationship feels better now than its been over the last couple of years.

I find myself thinking, so what if his having the odd sex chat online- as long as it doesn't negatively impact on our relationship and I never find out about it...it will be okay.

Sometimes I wonder if we should just get divorced, so it no longer becomes my problem what he does. The peace that can be found in something like that, gets more and more attractive each passing day.

I wonder if its all a big show and once again I am playing the starring role of the fool...I am so desperate to believe that we could be a happy well adjusted family. But perhaps I am to desperate?

Today is a hard day...

After work drinks --- are you f*cking kidding me.

Glowing in the new found serenity within my marriage, a turd of note hit me. You see my husband started a new job yesterday. I had placed a lot of pressure on him to get a new job because:

a) he works with young hot women = waaay to much easily available temptation
b) we need the bucks now that we have a baby to look after

So off he went and got a job. In our over dinner chit chat, he casually tells me that at the his new place of employment, they have monthly after work staff parties. From what I gather, alcohol is freely available.

                                                                   M*THER F*CKER

Can you believe it!!!

I am trying to hang onto the serenity, but its slipping through my fingers like sand. My husband going to monthly staff parties, is not within my game plan for our marriage. The last time he went to a staff get together, he stayed behind "chatting" to a colleague, in the dark, well after everyone went home. Staff parties are out- but on the other hand...he needs to learn to deal with inviting situations. I want scream at him...I want him to have a boring job and work with only straight males. I feel as though danger is lurking everywhere and I am scared that he will make the wrong choices.

Can I ban my husband from attending working functions?....should I? I want to, but it doesn't solve the problem. To make matters worse - the object of my obsession, his laptop had to be returned to his previous employer. No more manic "searches" through his folders, in which I was utterly convinced he was hiding something - its gone and I feel the loss keenly.

So to recap , his laptop is no longer accessible and he is starting a new job where staff parties are regular and lots of young flesh will be on show and inhibitions will be lost. stress Stress STRESS!!!

Why does this happen everything time I think we have made in roads?? Somethings comes up and sweeps it aside. 1 step forward, 2 steps back and its driving me crazy.

I don't know what I am going to tell him about the staff party thing. I think that if partners are not invited to an after work function, that you shouldn't go. Those things are breeding grounds for affairs and flirting... I feel like the hulk and all I want to do is SMASH!!!