I am in serious trouble

I am struggling guys. My brilliant plan to dupe via using a fake profile on Badoo, didn't work out. Deception is so foreign to me, that I am no match for him. I can only last a couple of days with any of my cunning plans to bring him to book and then I blurt it all out.

This morning, in our little black golf. I looked at him as I opened up with " I know what you've been doing". . I told him about the website and that I saw a profile that I thought was his. He swallowed ...hard...out of fear? Nervousness? I watched his side profile for any hint of a lie - he came out swinging. "I don't know what you think you saw, but I am not any social networking sites...I've stayed away...I'm not doing anything" he said I should keep speaking to the guy and I will find out for myself that its not him...the problem with that, is that internet guy has dissapeared after I slipped up in one of my responses to him. The rythym of my speech and the way I flirted was exactly what I would say and do with my husband...since then, nothing. Gone...

My chest is hurting.Its beginning to happen more regularly now. Its a sharp pain that feels like its under my breast plate. Sometimes its on the right side, but more often than not, its on my left. Sometimes my left arm feels weird. Its not sore...its just...different. I think its the constant stress of wondering whether my husband is fucking some whore...maybe its from the idea, that maybe that would be okay as long as his good to our son and me. Thats how other women do it right and they manage...maybe I could be that kind of woman too.

Its just that...I wanted the hero.I always told my husband that the reason why I thought we were a great couple was because I knew he would be able to carry on without me...only to find that thats not what I want after all. I want love beyond all reason...I want the loyalty to the point of him wanting to be my second shadow. I want a man who would miss me, if I were to leave even for a week. My husband is not this man.

Maybe I am having a bad week - but more often than not, I am wondering whether a trial seperation would be great. I have asked him to move into our second bedroom before...but this is different. It would be feel out what living without him would be like. To have one day of peace, where I don't have to look at his face and wondering how can someone so beautiful, be so ugly inside.I would want to know if I would be in fact a lot happier without him.The only thing stopping me, is that I don't like a back and forth thing going on. For me, I enjoy making decisions and sticking to them. If he leaves...I am not sure whether I would take him back, even if I wanted to, out of fear that I would only ask him to leave once again sometime further down the line.

Guys ANY advice? How did you manage to stay sane after all our partners have done?

I am losing my shit

It was around this time last year that my world was caving in around me and I am currently losing my shit. I am convinced his cheating on me again.

Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...

This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways

Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.

His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...

I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.

He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:

"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...

I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.

I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.

Im going to go for walk...".

He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...


We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.