D@mn that felt good...

Yummy moments...I search for my happiness these days. It used to be my way of being, but now its intentional...a choice I make to watch a lame comedy and embrace the childish humor that allows me to shift to a lower gear...its a decision I make to get onto the floor with my child and pull silly faces...I search for my happines and sometimes it hears me and comes running...other times...well other times we play hide and seek...

But this weekend was a yummy time. My husband for the first time in years planned for my birthday. He didn't care enough before to put any effort into it. But this time, it was different. He has been smiling for weeks...I have been stressed out wondering if its another woman thats put that smile there...on Friday all was revealed.

He surprised me with breakfast at the Cape Nature Reserve - a little cold, but I could see whales from the cliffs. As we entered into the gates the R85 charge just to get into the reserve got his attention. But not a complaint anywhere in sight. This man, who would be constantly insistently complaining about EVERYTHING. He was so desperately unhappy with his life...this time, whatever passed through his mind, stayed there and I smiled as he produced his card to pay.

After breakfast, we went and bought our sons first booster seat for the car. I never thought I could love being a mom, as much as I do.And then ta da...he packs a bag for an overnight stay at the 12 Apostles....O.M.W The 12 Apostles, is one of those posh places you are forever driving past and wishing you could just see inside of the place.

  He could only afford one night, which I am sure has bankrupted him for the rest of the year...but oh man, what an experience. He booked us for a couples message. Now at first, I wasn't so sure about that. My recovering porn addict of a husband, with another womans hands on him...mmmmm. But I quizzed him about it. He said, if it got weird, he would end it. So off we went together for our message...and let me tell you, those things are to painful to get a boner of any kind LOL We both enjoyed it though. It was so relaxing and I think it safe to do together as a hobby, whenever we can afford it.

Its NB that we find pleasant stuff to do together...when boredom sets in, it only brings in rot. Plus I felt refreshed and beautiful and thats a feeling worth holding on to.And then we went for dinner. Of course the portions were miniscule - but I was to busy being impressed with my husband to care. After dinner, we headed up for our sea facing room and with the smell of sea I felt happy. The sea calms me down like nothing else.  I stood there and watching the growing greyness over the ocean and praised GOD. I never thought I would see this day come, when I would still be with my husband.


We spoke spoke about going to go see a movie at the inhouse theatre or perhaps going over to bar later...we of course, babyless - fell promptly asleep at 9pm. I woke up to the sea and an amazing breakfast. We checked out and then met up with my family for lunch. My sister flew down from Johannesburg and there were tears and smiles all around.

That for me, was the pinnacle of my birthday. Having my family around me...and while it shouldn't mean much, I am glad my husband paid for it all. It hurt that he paid for  a prostitute, when even going out home made picnics was expensive for him. It hurt that he spent more attention to his flings than he did me. I have seen my husband on full charm and believe me he was spending money...just not on me....so there a little bitter slice in me, that enjoys it when he now pays for stuff...and he definitely paid big time, this time.

So all in all, a successful weekend YAY!!!

Money and Infidelity

My husband was my world. I wanted him to be happy, so I bought him the things he wanted even though I could barely afford it. In my world, that's what you do when you love someone - you show them how special they are, by giving them the desires of their heart. So I bought him the huge ass TV and Blue-ray player that I am still paying off today. If I had known about his need to fuck anything that walks, I could have saved myself some money and just bought him a prostitute - maybe we could even worked out a financial plan - like for every 12 sessions you buy, get one free or something...

Wow, I get a free STD as well...super ;-)

But you know what pisses me off the most? Its the fact that I took out the loan to get married to this jerk...and yes, I am still paying it off. I think about how he must have laughed at me, behind my back when I signed the paperwork. You see, I thought that when he proposed and took out a (much smaller) loan for us to get our own place - I mistakenly took it as a sign of commitment to me. What it really was a sign of, was his committment to watching as much porn and having as much online sex as he could handle. Apparently, being in his mothers house just didn't give him the kind of environment he needed...

It messes me up to think, that I was so gaga over him. I was thrilled because we had gotten our first new place - I saw sunshine and rainbows, while he was looking at tits and ass. I feel taken in...like he made a fool out of me. I was the butt of his lame joke  and I contributed financially for it.


Never again will I put myself financially on the line for him. Don't ask me, what I'm going to get him for christmas.Going from gifts worth thousands of rands, to what? A Musica voucher worth R150?

Besides all that, is that fact that I gave him full access to my accounts. I trusted him with me card and salary. He no longer enjoys that privilege. The kind of man who will cheat on his 7 month pregnant wife, is the kind of man that would steal from her. I remember a conversation I had with  my mom, she was dismayed that I trusted him so freely with my hard earned money - I thought she was crazy. After all, we were in love and he would never take advantage of me - what an idiot I was.

My husband was so offended, when I told him that I no longer want him anywhere near my money. "I have never taken any of it" he said...so he even treats my money with more respect than what he treated my body. I am so tired of being on the bottom of his list, so you know what...fuck his list, because

Now, he will need to pay. If there are loans that need to be taken out - he can do it. Facing divorce, I took a look at my precarious financial position and never never never again and will I do this to myself!

If you can't trust someone with your heart and body - you can't trust them with your finances!