D@mn that felt good...

Yummy moments...I search for my happiness these days. It used to be my way of being, but now its intentional...a choice I make to watch a lame comedy and embrace the childish humor that allows me to shift to a lower gear...its a decision I make to get onto the floor with my child and pull silly faces...I search for my happines and sometimes it hears me and comes running...other times...well other times we play hide and seek...

But this weekend was a yummy time. My husband for the first time in years planned for my birthday. He didn't care enough before to put any effort into it. But this time, it was different. He has been smiling for weeks...I have been stressed out wondering if its another woman thats put that smile there...on Friday all was revealed.

He surprised me with breakfast at the Cape Nature Reserve - a little cold, but I could see whales from the cliffs. As we entered into the gates the R85 charge just to get into the reserve got his attention. But not a complaint anywhere in sight. This man, who would be constantly insistently complaining about EVERYTHING. He was so desperately unhappy with his life...this time, whatever passed through his mind, stayed there and I smiled as he produced his card to pay.

After breakfast, we went and bought our sons first booster seat for the car. I never thought I could love being a mom, as much as I do.And then ta da...he packs a bag for an overnight stay at the 12 Apostles....O.M.W The 12 Apostles, is one of those posh places you are forever driving past and wishing you could just see inside of the place.

  He could only afford one night, which I am sure has bankrupted him for the rest of the year...but oh man, what an experience. He booked us for a couples message. Now at first, I wasn't so sure about that. My recovering porn addict of a husband, with another womans hands on him...mmmmm. But I quizzed him about it. He said, if it got weird, he would end it. So off we went together for our message...and let me tell you, those things are to painful to get a boner of any kind LOL We both enjoyed it though. It was so relaxing and I think it safe to do together as a hobby, whenever we can afford it.

Its NB that we find pleasant stuff to do together...when boredom sets in, it only brings in rot. Plus I felt refreshed and beautiful and thats a feeling worth holding on to.And then we went for dinner. Of course the portions were miniscule - but I was to busy being impressed with my husband to care. After dinner, we headed up for our sea facing room and with the smell of sea I felt happy. The sea calms me down like nothing else.  I stood there and watching the growing greyness over the ocean and praised GOD. I never thought I would see this day come, when I would still be with my husband.


We spoke spoke about going to go see a movie at the inhouse theatre or perhaps going over to bar later...we of course, babyless - fell promptly asleep at 9pm. I woke up to the sea and an amazing breakfast. We checked out and then met up with my family for lunch. My sister flew down from Johannesburg and there were tears and smiles all around.

That for me, was the pinnacle of my birthday. Having my family around me...and while it shouldn't mean much, I am glad my husband paid for it all. It hurt that he paid for  a prostitute, when even going out home made picnics was expensive for him. It hurt that he spent more attention to his flings than he did me. I have seen my husband on full charm and believe me he was spending money...just not on me....so there a little bitter slice in me, that enjoys it when he now pays for stuff...and he definitely paid big time, this time.

So all in all, a successful weekend YAY!!!

Healthy Secrets

I am turning 30 on the 3rd of August!!! Yeah baby :-) I am feeling like I am really coming into my own and I have decided that despite everything that has happened, my 30th will mark a turning point for me. Its happening already- I can feel it vibrate beneath my skin. I am old enough now to know that fairytales are just that and that as much as I have wanted my partner for last 10 years to be that prince charming - it aint gonna happen. I will save myself.

You want some of this!!!

So two things are going to happen. First I decided to buy myself an awesome tanzanite ring as a gift to myself. It will be expensive and I will love it without feeling guilty about the expense. He wanted to buy it for me, but I made it clear this was one gift I am giving myself. To remind me that faith, love and hope in myself, my family and God is important and my happiness does not depend on him. That I have control of my own choices and I will always have right to choose my destiny.

Secondly - when he asked me what I wanted, I told him to throw me a birthday party. And not just any ol birthday party...I want something close to the one I threw for him and in front of all his friends carried on and on about how fantastic he was...bastard. Anyways, so the stage is set and its going to be a surprise. All I know is that my one and only sister is coming down from Johannesburg and thats going to be a gift in itself. The problem is, is that because his planning a surprise...his keeping secrets. I can feel it and it makes me anxious. He has asked me not to check his emails and I am pretty sure he wiped the history off our computer at home. What if his using the opportunity to do "other" things. His keeping things from me, but what is it?? Is it nice things or is it a pile of shit like before?

I love surprises. Well good ones, that is... I don't want to have a marriage where my husband has to check in with me on everything he does. I want him to surprise me...to keep healthy secrets for joy and happiness. So I am trying to bite my tongue and when he looks far to happy, I will attempt not to think about what the heck he has gotten up to that makes him so damn happy. It will be hard...I have already checked his skype account history...nothing. But what does that mean- this man has tons of different accounts and alias's.

Ag, I am going to drive myself crazeeee. Well whatever is happening will obviously end after my birthday - if my skin is still crawling afterwards, we'll see what happens... I guess this is just one of the casualties of his infidelity - my willingness to trust that he only wants the best for me...

So ja, we shall see how things unfold. In the meantime I am planning my sons first birthday party WOOOHOOO!!! I think I am going to hold a "tea" for the nearest and dearest. The house is in a bit of a state ( we got it at a good price, because lots of work needed to be done...which we of course then didn't do LOL) Anways, so the in-laws and my family will be invited and its going to be interesting. Two different cultures and race groups, who have problems with each other... ( I am mixed race and my husband is portuguese) but they all better blooming well behave themselves for my baba, or mama is not going to take it kindly...Mmmm what would be good winter Tea eats?