Heavily influenced by the thousands of Mills and Boons books and bodice rippers I used to read, I had another messed up and yet persisent dream before the discovery.
I dreamed that I was kidnapped by an Indian brave. Stoic and unemotional, he made me his bride. I cooked and cleaned, but never got anything right. I fought for every kindness and soft look he gave me.He grew to love me....
One day I walked outside our tippee and I saw him riding in with another woman. I wasn't sure of what was happening, as I didn't speak the language - but it became clear that he intended to marry this woman. I was heart broken and tried harder to be the wife he wanted...but he kept on spending more and more time with her.
One day, I woke up and realised I can't be someone's second choice and decided to run away.
We made love and I whispered goodbye, as he left me yet again for her. I pretended to take the clothes to the conviently close river to do some washing...and I ran away with the next stage coach passing through.
He searched and searched for me, but I was nowhere to be found. I was long gone to my next adventure and he...well he felt a sadness, he never felt before and for the first time ever, showed some emotion and cried.
Showing posts with label Mills and Boon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mills and Boon. Show all posts
Wednesday, 15 August 2012
Thursday, 7 June 2012
Hot Sex
I want us to have raging wildfire sex life. We had one, when we started out. Each touch sizzled and every kiss tasted like more.
We were adventerous, but nothing like the stuff I now suspect my husband would have preferred. We got engaged and everything pretty much went to shit right after...as time went on our sex life dwindled. It happended less and less. The positions grew monotinous and after a time, I actually told by best friend that I felt like a cum receptacle. I know it sounds gross, but he didn't even look me in the eyes anymore. On average I would give him 2 minutes if not less, before he "finished" - which by the way I never have been able to do...
I tried to do the whole pretty underwear thing and some couple games we could play in the bedroom. All he would do is blush and say his not into into anything kinky...that he likes how things are (what a pile of shit...) anyways, I felt like such a slut for wanting to amp things up a bit. I started thinking that maybe I just had an abnormal sex drive and everything he brought into our marriage, more than made up for his lack of interest in the bedroom. Resigned to 1.5 minute sessions for the rest of my life, I bought more and more Mills and Boons books - getting porn high off the raunchy sessions I read. Mills and Boon was my sex life.
Now here we are. We have both developed unhealthy atttitudes and ways of engaging with sex. I know what I want ( a solid, loving marriage where we don't screw other people) and a part of that is to resurrect our sex life. How do you have sex with someone, who for years preferred having it with someone else. I don't know :-( But what I do know, is that sex has brought us closer since D Day. A session with my now attentive husband stills the anxiety for a little bit. But I want to try and do exciting stuff - partly to show him that excitment can be found in our bedroom if he gave it a chance and that I am pretty much up for anything and I won't judge him for wanting to try out "interesting" things. I just want to be the only one he tries them with...
So despite the pit that I am in, in my steadier moments I think of what I can do. So today, I decided that I am going to book us a hotel room for his lunch hour and surprise him with some lunch time nooky. I am trying my best to not think about the all the hotel rooms and lunch nookies he has had in the past - this one time will be our first time and it will be awesome. I am little worried that it might trigger something for him...I am even more concerned that he will decide to start up again after expieriencing it again...but there is no other way around it. In order for us to be more adventerous, we need to start exploring stuff together. I am not ready for roleplays yet. As a matter fact, I can't think of anything worse. But I love dress ups and there is nothing quite like seeing your husband in uniform.
What I still don't get is, is that I wanted to do so much together and he always turned me down. I am a bit of an exhibitionist and enjoy making love outside - the look of shock on his face was indescribable...of course the joke was on me in the end - but why did he pretend to be so shy and shocked when the videos and online conversations he had regularly was so much more dirtier that I could ever hope to be? Why the act? Why not rejoice in the fact that your wife would love to be a naughty minx with her husband...his such asshole.
Anyways, so I would like to start warming up the sheets again. I want us to have fun together. We need to start slowly, because I tend to freak out if I think his doing anything porn related - which would be hard to avoid in sex LOL
So ja, thats the plan - if we fail, I don't see how his recovery will ever be possible. The natural pull towards fulfilling sex is to strong. In this arena particularly, we must overcome and excel...
We need to get back to the place, where making love with your partner is not a chore - its your first choice.
We were adventerous, but nothing like the stuff I now suspect my husband would have preferred. We got engaged and everything pretty much went to shit right after...as time went on our sex life dwindled. It happended less and less. The positions grew monotinous and after a time, I actually told by best friend that I felt like a cum receptacle. I know it sounds gross, but he didn't even look me in the eyes anymore. On average I would give him 2 minutes if not less, before he "finished" - which by the way I never have been able to do...
I tried to do the whole pretty underwear thing and some couple games we could play in the bedroom. All he would do is blush and say his not into into anything kinky...that he likes how things are (what a pile of shit...) anyways, I felt like such a slut for wanting to amp things up a bit. I started thinking that maybe I just had an abnormal sex drive and everything he brought into our marriage, more than made up for his lack of interest in the bedroom. Resigned to 1.5 minute sessions for the rest of my life, I bought more and more Mills and Boons books - getting porn high off the raunchy sessions I read. Mills and Boon was my sex life.
Now here we are. We have both developed unhealthy atttitudes and ways of engaging with sex. I know what I want ( a solid, loving marriage where we don't screw other people) and a part of that is to resurrect our sex life. How do you have sex with someone, who for years preferred having it with someone else. I don't know :-( But what I do know, is that sex has brought us closer since D Day. A session with my now attentive husband stills the anxiety for a little bit. But I want to try and do exciting stuff - partly to show him that excitment can be found in our bedroom if he gave it a chance and that I am pretty much up for anything and I won't judge him for wanting to try out "interesting" things. I just want to be the only one he tries them with...
So despite the pit that I am in, in my steadier moments I think of what I can do. So today, I decided that I am going to book us a hotel room for his lunch hour and surprise him with some lunch time nooky. I am trying my best to not think about the all the hotel rooms and lunch nookies he has had in the past - this one time will be our first time and it will be awesome. I am little worried that it might trigger something for him...I am even more concerned that he will decide to start up again after expieriencing it again...but there is no other way around it. In order for us to be more adventerous, we need to start exploring stuff together. I am not ready for roleplays yet. As a matter fact, I can't think of anything worse. But I love dress ups and there is nothing quite like seeing your husband in uniform.
What I still don't get is, is that I wanted to do so much together and he always turned me down. I am a bit of an exhibitionist and enjoy making love outside - the look of shock on his face was indescribable...of course the joke was on me in the end - but why did he pretend to be so shy and shocked when the videos and online conversations he had regularly was so much more dirtier that I could ever hope to be? Why the act? Why not rejoice in the fact that your wife would love to be a naughty minx with her husband...his such asshole.
Anyways, so I would like to start warming up the sheets again. I want us to have fun together. We need to start slowly, because I tend to freak out if I think his doing anything porn related - which would be hard to avoid in sex LOL
So ja, thats the plan - if we fail, I don't see how his recovery will ever be possible. The natural pull towards fulfilling sex is to strong. In this arena particularly, we must overcome and excel...
We need to get back to the place, where making love with your partner is not a chore - its your first choice.
Friday, 6 January 2012
Does being fat give him a right to be unfaithful?
Does picking up weight give your partner the right to stray?
I met my husband when I was 20 yrs old and a hip hop dancer. I had dropped the weight I had been carrying in high school and weighed in at a cool 65 kgs/143 pounds. I was wearing a bikini and jeans hung off my hips. 9 years later, I am 110.6 kgs. The period during which my husband was unfaithful coincides with my heaviest weight ever - 116/7 kgs. I was virtually twice the girl he met.
It stings. In my heart I always thought that he should love me and be glad to have me, no matter how much weight I gained. He always told me that he thought I was beautiful and he loved me just the way I was. But we were lying to ourselves I think. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I never caught him staring the way he used to. Over the last 2 years, I would have been hearing odds and ends that slowly changed the way I see things.
#1: I was watching a Dr Phil show about cheating and he was speaking to this woman and simply said, He doesn't have the right to cheat, but you need to help him out a little. Fix your hair in the mornings, put on some lipstick. His about to walk into an office with fully made up women, looking for his attention. Help him be faithful by doing your best to look good for him.
#2: I was reading - Dont sweat the small stuff for women (I think ;-(). Right at the end it talks bluntly about weight gain in marriage. The author talks about expectations in marriage. As women, we expect men to continue striving to be successful in their careers, men expect women to continue striving to look good. This is our unspoken agreement. As different genders, we value different things. We value the provider and men value looks. How would we feel as women, if when we dated someone who was doing amazingly well and then once we got married, they decided they didn't feel like working anymore and sat around the house all day? I wouldn't take it kindly...and although I struggled with what I saw as a shallow and unrealistic expectation, I began to wonder if that is how men truly felt? I would leave a man, who went from a working class guy to someone who wilfully doesn't work. It would feel like a betrayal. Do men feel just as strongly about weight gain? It seems so harsh...
I feel bitter about it, but one day perhaps I will just accept this as part of the difference between men and women. So where does this leave me? To be honest, all I want to do is to hookup with someone from one of the websites that love fat women. They would encourage me to pick up even more weight. Wouldn't it be bliss to hear, that I am to skinny?? LOL. But perhaps if everything goes to shit, than I will go back to that option. But for now.. Well pre-d day, I had already started losing weight because I wanted to help my husband out and then I fell pregnant, during which he continued being unfaithful to me (asshole), but my beautiful son is now here and it is the beginning of a new era. I have decided that I am jumping back onto the wagon. I want to be healthier for my son, so I can be active with him. I want to feel and look sexy again, because it makes me feel good (plus if I get divorced, I want to be market ready:-)). I will try to lose the weight, to give my husband something to work with - but seriously when someone is a porn addict, I could be wondering around in a thong and it wouldn't matter. Women more beautiful than I, have been cheated on - but I will try.
I am sad that weight plays such a huge role for men, but perhaps this is just part of letting go of the Mills and Boon dream of happily ever afters and eternal loyalty and commitment. There is no hero coming to sweep me off my feet. The man of my dreams does not exist. I will need to save myself and I intend to look hot doing it. My short term goal is to weigh 90kgs by December 2012. Mini goal is to weigh under 100 kgs by July 2012. Ultimate goal - weigh 80kgs by December 2013.
Weight at start: 110.6
Current weight: 109.4
Loss: 1.2 kgs.
I met my husband when I was 20 yrs old and a hip hop dancer. I had dropped the weight I had been carrying in high school and weighed in at a cool 65 kgs/143 pounds. I was wearing a bikini and jeans hung off my hips. 9 years later, I am 110.6 kgs. The period during which my husband was unfaithful coincides with my heaviest weight ever - 116/7 kgs. I was virtually twice the girl he met.
It stings. In my heart I always thought that he should love me and be glad to have me, no matter how much weight I gained. He always told me that he thought I was beautiful and he loved me just the way I was. But we were lying to ourselves I think. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I never caught him staring the way he used to. Over the last 2 years, I would have been hearing odds and ends that slowly changed the way I see things.
#1: I was watching a Dr Phil show about cheating and he was speaking to this woman and simply said, He doesn't have the right to cheat, but you need to help him out a little. Fix your hair in the mornings, put on some lipstick. His about to walk into an office with fully made up women, looking for his attention. Help him be faithful by doing your best to look good for him.
#2: I was reading - Dont sweat the small stuff for women (I think ;-(). Right at the end it talks bluntly about weight gain in marriage. The author talks about expectations in marriage. As women, we expect men to continue striving to be successful in their careers, men expect women to continue striving to look good. This is our unspoken agreement. As different genders, we value different things. We value the provider and men value looks. How would we feel as women, if when we dated someone who was doing amazingly well and then once we got married, they decided they didn't feel like working anymore and sat around the house all day? I wouldn't take it kindly...and although I struggled with what I saw as a shallow and unrealistic expectation, I began to wonder if that is how men truly felt? I would leave a man, who went from a working class guy to someone who wilfully doesn't work. It would feel like a betrayal. Do men feel just as strongly about weight gain? It seems so harsh...
I feel bitter about it, but one day perhaps I will just accept this as part of the difference between men and women. So where does this leave me? To be honest, all I want to do is to hookup with someone from one of the websites that love fat women. They would encourage me to pick up even more weight. Wouldn't it be bliss to hear, that I am to skinny?? LOL. But perhaps if everything goes to shit, than I will go back to that option. But for now.. Well pre-d day, I had already started losing weight because I wanted to help my husband out and then I fell pregnant, during which he continued being unfaithful to me (asshole), but my beautiful son is now here and it is the beginning of a new era. I have decided that I am jumping back onto the wagon. I want to be healthier for my son, so I can be active with him. I want to feel and look sexy again, because it makes me feel good (plus if I get divorced, I want to be market ready:-)). I will try to lose the weight, to give my husband something to work with - but seriously when someone is a porn addict, I could be wondering around in a thong and it wouldn't matter. Women more beautiful than I, have been cheated on - but I will try.
I am sad that weight plays such a huge role for men, but perhaps this is just part of letting go of the Mills and Boon dream of happily ever afters and eternal loyalty and commitment. There is no hero coming to sweep me off my feet. The man of my dreams does not exist. I will need to save myself and I intend to look hot doing it. My short term goal is to weigh 90kgs by December 2012. Mini goal is to weigh under 100 kgs by July 2012. Ultimate goal - weigh 80kgs by December 2013.
Weight at start: 110.6
Current weight: 109.4
Loss: 1.2 kgs.
Friday, 25 November 2011
To hot to last
My husband took me out on a really great date night. A movie and an awesome restaurant afterwards. It cost him a bomb and it should have been really great night.We watched Breaking Dawn and of course I cried.... I was fine until the wedding scene (BTW whats up with Jacob taking off his shirt in the first 10 seconds of the movie?). As I watched them get married and seeing Edward so absolutely besotted with Bella, I kept thinking - it must be nice, to be loved like that...
I didn't plan on crying, it just kinda happened. I felt so pathetic. Tears sliding down my cheeks, while my husband held my hand in the dark theatre, teenage girls screaming every time Jacob came on. I felt so alone :-(
This seems to be a continuous struggle for me. I need to understand what does realistic love look like, because it kills me that my husband doesn't seem to love me with the intensity I want. Or does that intensity only belong to dysfunctional crazy relationships? I want to be swept away and held tight. I want to know that my husband would go crazy if he didn't have me - I want that forever, you are my soul mate, no one else will do, kinda love. But is that realistic? I didn't think so before, but maybe its because I made excuses for him...
I want to know without a doubt that my husband wants only me and yet I know that its human nature to always be wondering about others. I want him to love me with such intensity that he only wants to be around me, but I believe the official term for that is stalker. I grew up reading Mills and Boon books and that's what I wanted - to be swept up and away, but now it seems significant that there was never a behind the scenes look at marriage. After he kissed her breathless, did he take out his cellphone and play games? After a passionate night, did he check his online dating profile in case anyone responded to his post. Is the kind of love I want, to hot to last? I always loved the way men, looked at women on their covers. Such focus and passion. In that kiss only she exists for him...
Mills and Boon taught me that love looks a certain way and now that I have grown up, I feel cheated. I thought my marriage would be one continuous M&B story. I thought I was getting Edward Cullin, instead I got the cheating philandering asshole on the Wedding Singer.
Am I being foolish for wanting Ralph Fiennes from the English Patient? I would even be happy with Ewan Mcgregor from Moulin Rouge. I just want to be truly wonderfully wanted by husband again Mills and Boon style, is that to much to ask for?
I didn't plan on crying, it just kinda happened. I felt so pathetic. Tears sliding down my cheeks, while my husband held my hand in the dark theatre, teenage girls screaming every time Jacob came on. I felt so alone :-(
This seems to be a continuous struggle for me. I need to understand what does realistic love look like, because it kills me that my husband doesn't seem to love me with the intensity I want. Or does that intensity only belong to dysfunctional crazy relationships? I want to be swept away and held tight. I want to know that my husband would go crazy if he didn't have me - I want that forever, you are my soul mate, no one else will do, kinda love. But is that realistic? I didn't think so before, but maybe its because I made excuses for him...
I want to know without a doubt that my husband wants only me and yet I know that its human nature to always be wondering about others. I want him to love me with such intensity that he only wants to be around me, but I believe the official term for that is stalker. I grew up reading Mills and Boon books and that's what I wanted - to be swept up and away, but now it seems significant that there was never a behind the scenes look at marriage. After he kissed her breathless, did he take out his cellphone and play games? After a passionate night, did he check his online dating profile in case anyone responded to his post. Is the kind of love I want, to hot to last? I always loved the way men, looked at women on their covers. Such focus and passion. In that kiss only she exists for him...
Mills and Boon taught me that love looks a certain way and now that I have grown up, I feel cheated. I thought my marriage would be one continuous M&B story. I thought I was getting Edward Cullin, instead I got the cheating philandering asshole on the Wedding Singer.
Am I being foolish for wanting Ralph Fiennes from the English Patient? I would even be happy with Ewan Mcgregor from Moulin Rouge. I just want to be truly wonderfully wanted by husband again Mills and Boon style, is that to much to ask for?
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