Am I whore enough for you now?

I am seething with doubt. I look at my husband and all I want to do is divorce him and maybe go back to dating him. I know its weird, that I would date but not marry - but thats how I feel. I feel like I want the chance to choose.HE chose to marry me under false pretenses. HE lied to me about his faithfulness and committment. HE chose that while I work my ass off for our family, HE would try and sleep with anyone that would have him. HE chose this life...I didn't.

I was taken in by false advertising. I bought the product, but the gaurentee of a lifetime faded before I ever got it out of the box and I would like to return to sender. I feel disempowered and victimized - I placed my hopes and dreams in someone who didn't deserve it and now...now I am meant to forgive and move on. If it wasn't for my son, I would. Having him here complicates my decisions - I would walk away in a heart beat, but what about my sons heart?

So I have decided not to breathe a word about whether hubby is being faithful. Its hard, and surprisingly my focus has shifted to food and a part of me hopes to be anorexic so that he could suffer more guilt. I fantisise about yelling at him " Isn't this what you wanted? For me to look like one of your whores?" I want him to pay for breaking my heart. I want to wound him. Even if its an inch of how I feel, it would be enough pain to last a lifetime. I want him to doubt himself. To turn away from the mirror whenever he catches his reflection. I want him to feel like I do - disgusted with himself, ashamed of how he looks and heartbroken at the thought that maybe his not good enough.

His emails are littered with "honeys" and "mwahs". The closer we get to the picture of how it was before, the more uncomfortable I get. I have seen this scene and it decieved me...fool me once....

I long to put out the light and then put out the light...

My son is my only happiness

Why me?

Weight at start: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 105.9
Lost: 4.7 kgs

Does being fat give him a right to be unfaithful?

Does picking up weight give your partner the right to stray? 


I  met my husband when I was 20 yrs old and a hip hop dancer. I had dropped the weight I had been carrying in high school and weighed in at a cool 65 kgs/143 pounds. I was wearing a bikini and jeans hung off my hips. 9 years later, I am 110.6 kgs. The period during which my husband was unfaithful coincides with my heaviest weight ever - 116/7 kgs. I was virtually twice the girl he met.


 It stings. In my heart I always thought that he should love me and be glad to have me, no matter how much weight I gained. He always told me that he thought I was beautiful and he loved me just the way I was. But we were lying to ourselves I think. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and I never caught him staring the way he used to. Over the last 2 years, I would have been hearing odds and ends that slowly changed the way I see things. 


#1: I was watching a Dr Phil show about cheating and he was speaking to this woman and simply said, He doesn't have the right to cheat, but you need to help him out a little. Fix your hair in the mornings, put on some lipstick. His about to walk into an office with fully made up women, looking for his attention. Help him be faithful by doing your best to look good for him. 


#2: I was reading - Dont sweat the small stuff for women (I think ;-(). Right at the end it talks bluntly about weight gain in marriage. The author talks about expectations in marriage. As women, we expect men to continue striving to be successful in their careers, men expect women to continue striving to look good. This is our unspoken agreement. As different genders, we value different things. We value the provider and men value looks. How would we feel as women, if when we dated someone who was doing amazingly well and then once we got married, they decided they didn't feel like working anymore and sat around the house all day? I wouldn't take it kindly...and although I struggled with what I saw as a shallow and unrealistic expectation, I began to wonder if that is how men truly felt? I would leave a man, who went from a working class guy to someone who wilfully doesn't work. It would feel like a betrayal. Do men feel just as strongly about weight gain? It seems so harsh...


I feel bitter about it, but one day perhaps I will just accept this as part of the difference between men and women. So where does this leave me? To be honest, all I want to do is to hookup with someone from one of the websites that love fat women. They would encourage me to pick up even more weight. Wouldn't it be bliss to hear, that I am to skinny?? LOL. But perhaps if everything goes to shit, than I will go back to that option. But for now.. Well pre-d day, I had already started losing weight because I wanted to help my husband out and then I fell pregnant, during which he continued being unfaithful to me (asshole), but my beautiful son is now here and it is the beginning of a new era. I have decided that I am jumping back onto the wagon. I want to be healthier for my son, so I can be active with him. I want to feel and look sexy again, because it makes me feel good (plus if I get divorced, I want to be market ready:-)). I will try to lose the weight, to give my husband something to work with - but seriously when someone is a porn addict, I could be wondering around in a thong and it wouldn't matter. Women more beautiful than I, have been cheated on - but I will try.


I am sad that weight plays such a huge role for men, but perhaps this is just part of letting go of the Mills and Boon dream of happily ever afters and eternal loyalty and commitment. There is no hero coming to sweep me off my feet. The man of my dreams does not exist. I will need to save myself and I intend to look hot doing it. My short term goal is to weigh 90kgs by December 2012. Mini goal is to weigh under 100 kgs by July 2012. Ultimate goal - weigh 80kgs by December 2013.


Weight at start: 110.6   
Current weight: 109.4
Loss: 1.2 kgs.