Gmail chat and Skype porno accounts

There is an unfortunate truth that in the world we live in, escaping basic technology is impossible. We use all these different platforms at work to chat and meet online to talk business...but what happens when your partner is using it as a cover for all the random bullshit they get up to.

To my knowledge hubby has at 2 gmail accounts, 1 afrihost email account (because its for our internet) and 1 skype account. Now to me its really possible that he has more then these because life has taught me not to trust what I see... but I have had to embrace the fact that there are some things out of my control. Anyways, so things have relatively been going okay, but lately the little camera icon on gmail chat has been getting my attention.

Is he using gmail chat to pick up chicks? To talk to female work colleagues...and what is worse is that the little green dot sometimes turns into a camera icon. Does mean his chatting to someone. He swears his not talking to anyone, but why would the little dot change to the camera icon is he wasn't using it? I checked out his account of course no history of anything...whats going on? Is he lying to me yet again...am I being blind? What the hell is going on.

Its fucking driving me insane. I feel the rage and bile rise up in the back of my throat and I am tense enough to pull a muscle in my neck....what is he doing? WHO IS HE SPEAKING TO??

He loves chatrooms, that much has become very clear to me. Is gmail chat just to alluring to ignore?

I tried to google what it means when the little green dot changes to the camera and all they say, is that shows that the person has an camera and use it chat....it doesn't say that its activated when they do chat. FUUUUUCK.

Maybe he isn't cheating...but the suspicion of it, is enough to end a marriage. Its to much to bear, since the little green camera has caught my eye, I keep on dreaming about him meeting women for lunch...I dream that his bored at work and this is how is he spending his time...chatting. Its tormenting me and I can't let it go... I won't be betrayed again.

My lips are dry and my eyes ache with tiredness. I feel like a child strapped in the back seat of a car going to nowhere, begging the question- are we there yet? But noone answers...

I am alone in the backseat in a car destined for hell..

To Thailand with love

Dear Thailand

In two weeks my husband and I are paying you a lovely  visit. Its meant to indicate a fresh start in our marriage and has seemed appropriate since he started acting out when I last visited without him. I can't tell you how many times I have regretted that, but whats done is done and I have said my goodbyes to the fiance I knew when he dropped me off at the airport. The man waiting for me when I got back was a different story...

So here is the deal - I need help.

I thought that this would be a fresh start, but more and more I realise that there is no "start date" to rest of my life. I am still paralyseyd with fear in quite moments, when I wonder if his cheating. I still rage when an sms notification goes off on his phone and I don't instantly know who it is. The other day, riddled with bitterness I blogged about an old mistress of his, hoping that her family and friends would read it... I still long to know what his doing 24/7 and I don't think our trip to Thailand is going to change that.

So help me build good memories...memories that will outlast the pain of the years behind me. Give me photographs that I can look at without wondering who was he doing when it was taken...give me songs for the soundtrack of our lives that belong to just us and that I don't have to share with another woman's memory. I still grieve the fact that there are some artists that I can no longer listen to because while I dedicating those songs to him in my heart, he was thinking of someone else.

I know that you have dangers...only a fool would not realise the strong sex trade that happens within your borders. I remember smells from street carts and the ageless women eagerly offering me and my dad  "massages" at neon lit parlours.  Its unavoidable, but help us to be wise about areas that we shouldn't go into. Phuket is already off the list and some road called Soi Cowboy, that apparently are hotspots...when my family went, we managed to avoid this sort of thing, please help me to do it again.

Give us adventure and romance...enough for me to rebuild my dreams around. Enough for us to fall in love again....

See you soon
XXX

Miss Abby Jacobs - the blueprint of a tramp

 

Miss Abby Jacobs ---found her twitter account. She wants to know what Jesus would do...I bet he wouldn't try to f*ck a married man.

I am so tempted to let her network know of the kind of woman she is...the kind that slipped my husband her phone number last year (2012) so that they could catch and chat about the good ol' days.

I wonder if she ever regrets it...I wonder if she still is cheating on her partner with whatever man allows her to go down on him.

I wish I could tell that she should go and get herself tested- after all, my husband was making the rounds with prostitutes and strangers from chat rooms.  A HIV test would be a good idea, if I were her. If you know this woman, perhaps pass along the pamphlet.

My husband is an asshole and I blame him for every sordid thing his done - but thats not to say, that I resent the fact that when he cheated, he cheated with the office cum dump site.

Eeeuuww!

My mom

Once in the heat of discovery, I called my mom to take me to my husbands workplace - suspecting that he was meeting someone there after hours.

My mom took me gladly and off I went - highly pregnant and pissed off. En route she told me that every woman should have a car. Not only for their our own independence, but so that we can track down our husbands whenever we need to. I believe her exact words were - no man should ever think that you can't reach them. A bit dramatic I thought at the time, but she was right. Men take advantage of our homeliness and get away with murder, simply because they have the car.

This year, my mom gave her car to me. A little beat up, but its mine free and clear. When I spoke about getting a family car, all she said was she hopes that I remember what she said. I had forgotten in that moment, how it had felt to call my own mother to track down my husband. The embarrassment and anger at the time was to much for me to bear...and now again, if I should call on her to do the same, she would do it in a heartbeat, but that wouldn't be fair.

So my freedom now stands in our driveway and he is confused as to why I won't give it up for a bigger car.

But I won't. Its mine.

Thanks mom for giving me that....

Lunchtime affairs

I don't know...I have noticed whenever I get my monthlies (periods), for a week before then I start to suspect that his cheating on me and its happening again.

He works down the road and yet never asks me for a cup of coffee, I always instigate it. I think his seeing someone. I think his struck a deal that he takes all his lunchtimes with her and after work is family. His so fiercely defensive of his lunchtimes...

I don't understand why he doesn't want to have lunch with me. I'm not talking daily...just sporadically. He tries to make me feel bad that I am doubting him, but that's an old trick of his. He makes me sound unreasonable and unjustified in my suspicions...until I have proof that is, and then there is no wiggle room.

I have come to terms with the fact that he doesn't want to spend more time with me than absolutely necessary. He says its because he needs to hang out with his friends...but I think he lies.

My mom gave me her car and in the first flush of receiving it, I thought we could trade in both our cars and get a really great family car - but I have since put that idea away.

I am keeping my car and I am going to save money.  He can have as many office flings as he likes, but the day will come when I am tired of his shit and I will leave.

I just need to him to hang around long enough to give me a second child and I am sure that I would be able to raise both kids without him. I don't want my son to be alone and I want my kids to have the same dad and my husband will just need to pay maintenance.

Maybe it is just PMS and in a week I will be fine again...but for today, I am sad.  I guess thats just how to goes sometimes...

Learning how to Listen

I am a counsellor by trade. I listen for a living. But for a long time now, I haven't really listened to my husband with the aim of just allowing him to share.

I have listened intently to catch him out on a lie...I have listened for inconsistencies and half truths. I would like to think I only stopped really listening to him when he started lying to me...but the truth is I stopped listening a long time ago.

I stopped listening to all the things my husband wasn't saying. I brushed it off thinking that he just wasn't the emotional type. I stopped watching his body language and missed all the times he eyes should have crinkled when he smiled at me, but didn't...when he should have been patient and kind with me, but wasn't.

I stopped paying attention.

I stopped listening and missed the cues within the silence that told me that something was seriously wrong. I made the mistake of thinking that all relationships go through stressful periods...its only in hindsight that I now know that what I was going through wasn't stress - it was infidelity.

Yesterday I listened to him. I bit my tongue, so as not to respond to issues I normally would have had a 2 hour conversation around.  I listened, because I realise that I don't really know my husband at all...and maybe I am partly to blame.

With every issue that comes up, I rush to fix it - to respond and debate for hours on end. I am exhausted by my own need to sort it out...sort him out. I talk and talk and talk, until I can't bear the sound of my own voice.

When I offered to just listen, he was surprised.  He said that what he had to say would just make me mad and he didn't want to ruin our day. I promised I wouldn't... he didn't believe me, but tested me anyway. It was good for us both. He spoke softly and every now and then glanced at me, to check whether I was about to pounce on what he had said. And to be honest, I really wanted to...but if I did, he was never going to share with me again.

So I listened and afterwards thanked him for sharing. Shaking off the need to make this a teachable moment for him and I allowed it to become a teachable moment for me instead. Maybe its time to start listening again and somewhere in ether we will find each other again.

Naming your daughter after a mistress

I have always known that I want more children. It scares the living daylights out of me, because my pregnancy last time was eventful to say the least. And yet, I want my second child. I want a playmate for my son and its NB that he doesn't grow up alone. There is something magical about us against the folks scenario ya know...

So yes, I would like a second child. The other night my husband and I chatted about the name we would give our daughter...we were thinking of Alyssa meaning joy or great happiness...and out of nowhere my mouth formed the question - did any of your other girlfriends have that name? He looked shocked for a minute and retreated in tense silence. I asked if he was annoyed and he said yes- how I could ask that. And I reminded him, that one of the possible names he volunteered was Abigail...that's right, the name of the first post wedding dalliance. He said nothing...but to honest he didn't really seem to have heard me.  He went to bed angry and I shrugged it off, because it was pretty much his problem.

The next morning I asked if he wanted to talk about it...once I promised to just listen, he shared with me that he was hurt and angry that I would think that he would stoop so low as to name our daughter after one of his mistresses. That I would think that he would punish me like that...I am glad I promised to listen, but I had to bite my tongue to not remind him about Abigail..

He said that maybe I should pick the name of our daughter - it was said in anger and little flippantly, but the truth is, I probably will. I want to because I need to know that the name I give my child, is the name that I want and not spawned out of some good feeling memories my husband might have.

It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth knowing what my husband is capable of...but perhaps what is more confusing is  seeing for the very first time how he has completely separated himself from what he used to be like. Its like he couldn't reconcile what he had once done to the man he is now. He was disgusted that I could even think that he would name our daughter after a mistress...but you know what, while I allow to warm my heart a little bit - there are some lessons that I would be foolish to forget.

I remember my husband turning on me in anger, when I discovered his first affair. I remember his seemingly annoyance that I could even consider that he was cheating me. I have learnt to take everything he says, with the wariness it deserves.

So he can be upset and even hurt...its water off a ducks back. The time for not wanting to hurt his feelings have come and gone, all is left is reality and a healthy skepticism of life as I know it.