Learning to Live with Less

Every now and then I trawl through the male perspective on how it felt to be cheated on...I came across that one sentence amongst  all the angst " I am learning how to live with less" and it broke my heart, because thats it, isn't - we are all learning how to live with less...

Some might argue that, while we have less- at least its honest...but still. The truth can't stop the cloying feeling of loss.

Last night, something to 1 in the morning I went through his phone. I don't what I expected to find...I know he doesn't use his phone to cheat, but I couldn't stop myself from just checking.... I signed up for a social site he used to use, to see if he was on there and 5 minutes later deleted the account having found nothing...I wish I could just shut it all away.

I want to take my son and drift off in fields of golden sunshine, where I provide everything he could ever need and I would be free from this constant feeling of doubt

When we first got married, our future stretched before us---boring, but predictable and now it seems like every other month I am wondering if divorce is on the cards. Not because his cheating, but because doubt has exhausted me.

I dream of paying a woman to come on to him, just to see what he would do. Why wait for years, when I could find out right now what kind of man he has decided to be.

I don't know what tomorrow holds - torn between my dreams of old and hazy future- I am learning to live with less...now if only I can teach my heart to be satisfied with that...

His ex Abby Jacobs has moved back into town

Slut looks as Slut does..this was posted to facebook for the world to see

 So I understand that my husbands ex mistress is back in cape town. Thats right, she could be lurking around the next corner. There is a part of me that hopes we run into each other...and I hope her husband is with her.

Multiple Passwords...Multiple problems

My husband was always fanatical about passwords. He laughed at me, when I revealed how simple mine was...after all, it just needs to be difficult enough for someone not to guess off hand and easy enough for a bit scatter brain to remember...I will never forget how committed and serious he was about passwords...

Fast forward two years later and I know why that son of bitch was fanatical about passwords. During the fall out, I discovered accounts...it was hard because even if I could guess it what accounts he had, the password stopped me. It wasn't proof enough if the login screen automatically started his email address - it happens all the time.

Passwords...

When I made the amnesty deal...that everything he said was up for forgiveness, if only he would be honest. It was a time limited deal and he took advantage...he gave me his passwords. There must have been at least 7 or 8 of them and the kicker was that they were all variations...and these variations would change every 3 months. I didn't stand a chance...

The other day he needs to log onto webmail (DID YOU KNOW THAT WEBMAIL WILL NOT DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT- WHAT ASSHOLES) anyways, he pauses over the keypad as I sit next him. I had given up the pretense of not watching and stared at his long fingers as they hovered over the key board.  I could almost hear the whirring in his brain - which one was it...what if he put in a password he hadn't given me before...high drama indeed. He typed in a password I was familiar with and he shoulders sagged with relief when it went through...

Passwords are good, but be careful if your partner has multiple passwords for multiple things. Anybody that security conscience is hiding something.

I literally taught myself to read code to catch him

To this day, I assume he had other accounts he never told me about... I have lost the advantage of surprise and he has learnt that his naive wife can be an investigative journalist when the need strikes. If he has accounts, it won't be under his name anymore...

But I watch those passwords...he hasn't changed them in looong time. But I am patient and I'll wait and if there is change, you better bet you ass- that I will find what it unlocks...

Piece of my heart - Janis Joplin

Saying no to mediocre bullshit from our husbands

He took the leftover money from my engagement ring and bought the services of a prostitute with it. I liked my engagement ring - it was modest (small) and a nice cut (small) and at least it didn't turn my finger green (real). Afterwards I wondered if he really bought me the best he could or whether he just bought me something because it was available.

When things went to shit, I took my wedding ring off and to this day I haven't put it back on. That was 2 years and 2 months ago. No tan line is left of what used to be...

As I vacillate between staying and going, one thing has remained clear. That I expect another proposal...and this time, his going to have to give his best. I don't know when I started accepting sub standard behavior and sub standard investment in our relationship - but f*ck him, this time round I am sending the shit back to the kitchen. Why because I am worth of quality...

We're doing date nights now and it has started off really well - but there might com

"OH MY WORD GUYS - MY BOSS JUST CAME TO SIT AT MY DESK AND SAW THIS POST. IF ANYTHING SHE READ THE FIRST SENTENCE FREEEK OUT!!!!  - I AM SO EMBARRASSED. I am sitting here shaking my head and my face is just get super hot....shit man...anyways, its my lunch break....maybe I should go for a walk SMH....

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Well now, as I was saying - there might come a time, when he doesn't want to invest time into thinking about it or planning anything and thats not going to end well, because I am not accepting his mediocre shit anymore...

The only problem, is that sometimes I feel like a nag. Because I speak up more readily and more often - but thats his problem, not mine.

I am on my way to being a partner that demands quality investment and genuine time and I think thats' a good start :-)

Little Girl Blue - Janis Joplin

How much would you sacrifice for your child?

I hate being sick. When I am sick all the bad thoughts I normally keep at bay keeps flooding back. I notice Miss Abby Jacobs facebook is no longer active. I wonder if they found my posts...whether her husband contacted mine to verify what happened, like I did with her. I would hope that he would tell me - after all there is nothing wrong with verification. Anyways...down in the dolldrums I keep thinking about what my sister told me...

Two months ago, she looked at me and declared " You are different"... "You are harder and I have forgiven your husband for that, but I miss the way you used to be". You see I am the rainbows and happily ever after type. I believed the best about everyone...seriously, thats why I am a counsellor - because I believe in an individuals ability to reach beyond themselves and live their best life. In my world, everyone was a hero...everyone was a star. My husband being one of the greatest...

I didn't think that anyone really noticed that my eyes no longer soften, that my smile is not quite as forthcoming and that I no longer argue when someone insists that they have met an asshole. Instead I tilt my head and silently agree that they probably have.

I mourn the loss of my heart and joy. Its criminal what my husband has done...he has robbed me of me. I wonder if his sorry...I hope he is.

I thought again today about why I have stayed. Will it all be worth it in the end, if my son has a father who can teach him how to be a man even though its based on the experience that was the foundation of my heartbreak. The winter months are coming and its getting colder now - it leaves much to much time for introspection and mind wandering thoughts about how my life could be different if I just took my son and left.

If only I could know for sure whether he loved me. Whether he was faithful and true...but wishing for this, is like wishing for the moon. Maybe the day will come when I finally know for sure how my husband feels for me...but for now, perhaps its enough to know how much I love my son.