When science and faith collide..

I am waiting for the familiar ache in my chest, that confirms that what I am hearing is a lie. It has never failed me once I knew my husband was a bit of a slut...I listened to him tell me time and time again, that the lie detector test wasn't truthful. That the machine in a sense lied. For me, there was no accompanying feeling that he was lying once again. But I also don't believe that somehow the machine was faulty.

I think the machine picked up his responses to questions pretty accurately. I felt comfortable with the polygraphist, who actually took the time to walk me through my husbands charts afterwards and yet...I actually dont think I believe the result. My husband has done his utmost in the past year, to show that he has changed his ways.But then again, my husband has shown me in no uncertain terms that he is quite the skilled orator when required.So, faced with my seemingly looming divorce, not believing the polygraph but loathe to believe that my husband has somehow fooled me once again - I decided to give him the best opportunity I can afford him, to make his case. The problem is, is that my husbands word is shot to hell - so with the dedication and clear headedness that has been reserved to tracking down his infidelities over the last four years, I took that skill and began to research lie detector tests and gathering evidence, deciding to let it speak for itself. Standing at the biggest fork of our lives...I had to make sure that what I decided was a weighted decision, but at a loss for how to do that since I struggle to trust myself and I can't believe him. So I researched...

In summary: I found the that main value of the polygraph, is that it forces confessions. So the test itself does not hold value, but instead it brings about an environment where confessions are more likely. I researched into its validity in the courtroom and I found that when the polygraph is used, it has to be coupled with evidence. It can not stand on its own, because its not strong enough on its own. So I sat there and thought about what this meant for me. So, the polygraph can only be validated by confession or evidence. Since there was no confession, I must gather unarguable evidence that would either support or dispute the results. Dispute the results, we stay married. Support and my husband can kiss my ass goodbye.

Next step - where to gather evidence? I had exhausted all avenues except one...I did what I told myself I would never do...I got in touch with the other woman.

Since she now lives in Germany, I facebooked her. Told her that we were sorting some stuff out to be a stronger couple and that I was concerned that my husband wasn't being truthful. That I am willing to forgive anything, but we need to be honest about whats happened and that I was concerned that he was not being truthful out of fear. The whole message to her, what set up to reflect that she would be the hero of the hour if she could honest with me. Within 24hrs she responded. In detail she explained to me what had happended between her and my husband. Not pretty, but sex didn't feature. I think what made me believe her, was that she actually mentions that my husband told her, that he was developing a crush on her and how she had attempted to rekindle the relationship after the first "breakup"...two truths so awkward to share, but she did it. So I believe her, more than I believe my husband...

Okay, next step - why would my husband organise a polygraph - pay a buckload of money for it when he knew he was lying. I don't put anything past my husband anymore, so its quite possible to me - that he did it, to force a confrontation and make me choose and voila, here we are. And then I remembered that on our way to the test, he mentioned that he had planned a surprise for me...

The following day, I asked him what was the plan, if he had passed. He said he had made a booking at a restaurant that we have been wanting to spoil ourselves with. I let it be...I called the restaurant yesterday to confirm whether my husband had made a booking. My rationale being, that maybe he was crazy enough to book a test and hope that it was enough for me to believe him (hahaha), but he wouldn't go through the trouble of booking us a table, if he genuinely didn't believe that he would pass. Its such a minor detail, in the bigger scheme of things, that it wouldn't have occured to him to do that. So I listened over the phone, as tthe sniffing maitre d told me...that he had indeed booked and had missed it...

So where does this leave me. In theory, I believe now that he didn't have sex with that woman...I believe he thought he would pass - which means he must have tried to be faithful...

But the truth is, is that it doesn't prove much, but casts enough doubt in the test for me to stay.

This will be the last time I use a polygraph, as this round has freed me from believing in its unassailability. BUT It has served its purpose and I am in a much better position in my marriage for it...

So where to from here? I am staying because I feel, that his not lying - even though I struggle to trust the feeling. I can't explain the polygraph...but it doesn't reflect my experience of my husband over the last year. I choose to believe my husband. If he had passed the test, I probably would be forever dependent on it, to believe him about anything. In a way its forced perhaps a truer starting of our journey to recovery and for me to start believing in my God given intuition once again.

Failure to thrive

He failed. The test showed deception for a) have you been a relationship with anyone other than your wife since April 2011 b) have you had sexual intercourse since April 2011 c) Have you been watching pornography without your wife's consent since May 2011.

The polygraphy guy said -3 would show deception. My husband clocked in at -5, -7 and -2 respectively.

HE LIED...

I don't know what to do...

He is swearing his innocence...that he told the truth. that his worked damn hard this last year and his not going to let some machine take it from him.

So do I believe a machine or do I believe my husband?

I just cant believe it. I thought we were doing so well. Dear God please help me. I don't understand what to do anymore. Please show me what I need to do...please.

I think it was Lara...it must be. She is the one I caught him having an affair with. Their offices were right next door to each other. He said they broke it off - but maybe he lied. Maybe he was fucking her everyday until she left to go back to home to fucking germany. Maybe my paranoi that he was chatting to her, while I was recovering in hospital from the birth of our son, wasn't so far from the truth.

I don't know what to believe anymore. I love him so much - why couldn't he just be faithful WHY WHY WHY WHY.

what am i supposed to do now?

Nandos and heartbreak

We love food. We don't need much of an excuse to eat a wonderful meal, but I have noticed that when we want to celebrate we get Chinese. It marked our first anniversay, the day we moved in together, when we got raises etc. Good times = Chinese food.

And when things fell apart and we had our "discussion" over whether we were getting divorced or not, we ordered Nandos'. When he first started counselling and we sat together to chat afterwards, we ate Nandos'. When he moved out of the house, and I sat alone in the stillness of our house - I ordered Nando's. Nando's has began to = sadness to me. Tonight he wants Nando's. A fresh wave of dread has hit me and my chest is tight with anxiety. Nando's...really? If tonight is our last night as a family, do you really want Nando's? Is it a sign?I know its something small, but I just can't. I can see myself beginning to cry over eating an lemon and herb wing. Wiping away said tears over a portugese roll.

I don't think he realises what his suggested.

No honeypie...no Nando's for me tonight. I think I'll hold out for some Chinese tomorrow...

Surprise! I booked a lie detector test...

My husband has surprised me, by booking his own lie detector test on Saturday.

In the beginning of this year, I made no bones about my expectations that I would require a lie detector test. However, I wasn't going to drive myself crazy and I told him that I would leave it up to him. So if he doesn't want to, thats okay...but just as he has his choices, I have mine.

My family would be shocked to know that I have asked for a second polygraph - but they wouldn't understand. My husband, who I have shared a bed with for the past four years has learnt how to lie. 

He has lied and lied and lied. I was completely blind-sided by his ability to weave story upon story-who knew my IT geek of a husband could be so creative. Oh how he cried and cried while fabricating some bullshit, for me to buy into. He led me down a fictitous path, laying down a false trail of trickle truth. Often I would be journeying with him, only to find that something didn't sound right and down the next rabbit hole we would go as he changed course. He lied to save himself and then he lied to save "us" and all it did, was break down our relationship further...

The original lie detector test, brought him to his knees and stopped all of that. In the habit of lying, he tried to be "honest" after realising how serious I was - only to lay down another lie and than when I stated we were going ahead - wow, did the shit hit the fan.  I have no doubt, my husband would have continued lying to me if he could. I believe we would have been divorced today, if he been provided the space to continue doing so. The lie detector test, was a watershed event.

Maybe my dad should have done this too!

He failed his first test, not wanting to tell the guy that he had been with a prostitute (which is illegal over here). So his test came back negative. I was hurt, but I made the call to give him a year. Even if he hasn't been completely honest about everything he has done - for me I realised the point was, whether he would be able to stop. So I swallowed the little bit of pride I had left. Told him I understood, deciding that I wouldn't tell him this, but I was prepared to give him a year.A year to show me whether he has the ability to either a) stop trying to screw everything that moves b) whether he would be able to tell me the truth, if he slipped up.

At the beginning of this year, I told that I would like him to take a lie detector test. He was surprised, but agreed. I told him that I didn't want anything to do with it, he needs to organise it. And then I waited to see what he would do. Would he try to convince me that it wasn't needed (like the last time) or would a spring of new deceptions spill out.

I waited and nothing happened. I had that conversation in January and it is now May. I decided that if by July, nothing was forthcoming I would leave, because I am not spending my 30th birthday in a marriage with a tramp. Last night, he told me he wanted to surprise me and thats why he hasn't spoken about it - he wanted to pay for it himself, and now that he has the money, he has booked a polygraph for saturday.

He has asked me what questions I want to give the guy, but all I have is one " Have you been faithful to me since April 2011". My entire future depends on the answer to this one question. If he fails again, I will not be so understanding as I was the last time. I have decided whatever filthy secrets he has kept, he can keep - I am ready to move on...if he passes.

He will be paying R1000 for the polygraph...seems like a lot for just one question, but what is R1000 when compared to the value of what we could have...

Wish me luck...

Xena!

Gypsy Weddings

I have been watching Gypsy Weddings and I am totally facinated by their culture. What has grabbed my attention even more, is the age at which they get married. When I was 16, all I knew was that I liked the flirtatous looks boys gave me. They are so young and inexperienced, but so sure that this is what they want..it astounds me.

I wonder what life is like for them after the novelty of sex and being husband and wife wears off. I wonder about the long term happiness in these marriages - is infidelity expected and part and parcel of life or is the happily ever after still desired? Barely adults when they get married, how do they know what they need vs what they want?

Looking back, I don't know if I would have allowed my husband to get married so young. He was freshly 24 then and inexperienced. In my more clinical moments I recognise the allure of grabbing the opportunity, when you have only ever had sex with one person. I understand how wonderful it must feel to know someone else is interested in you and to want the opportunity explore other relationships. It was just bad timing. Maybe he should have played the field a little bit, before settling down. Perhaps life would have been different for us, if he had...but he wanted both and wasn't courageous enough to choose.

And now I look at these young guys, excited and flush with victory of getting the girl and I wonder how long it will be before their eyes and hands wander to next available woman. Has their culture ensured marital misery? and are they okay with it? Passion burns bright, but it burns itself out in the end - and when that happens often we believe that love no longer exists and that other woman or man down the road must surely be your soul mate. The wedding dress, escourt and cake all distant memories...

Cinders for a day...

I think we should ban people getting married under the age of 27. We barely know who we are, never mind what we need in a partner...but on the other hand people change anyway, so who you marry today, may not be the same person you wake up to in years to come...

Gypsy weddings...I wish we could see how life unfolds afterwards...

The other family

My aunt related to me by affair, died this week. She had a heart attack. I barely knew her and perhaps have seen her a handful of times. She belonged to the "other family"...

You see my maternal great grandfather had two women. He had been with my great grandmother first and then the mistress came along.They didn't know about each other until it came time for him to choose. My great grandmother didn't have much, but she was intelligent, ambitious and strong. He didn't choose her. And when it was time to leave, he said that he couldn't possibly leave this other woman because she needed him. She wouldn't be able to survive on her own, as he knew my great grandmother could. They say, his mistress had wrapped him around her little finger so tightly, they didn't who he was anymore. There was hushed conversations of witchraft involved...my great grandmother fought and begged for him to stay...

At the end of the day, he left. He left her and their children for his mistress and their children.

So my grandfather and his siblings lived in fishermans cottage, little better than a shack. Sleeping in one room on the floor...where the other family seemed to do well. I can only imagine the bitterness my grandfather must have felt.

Well, years later blood has told. Our family has prospered and theirs haven't. There isn't a shack in sight, we have good paying jobs and ambitiously we persue our dreams and careers - and we are successful at it. I wish my great grandmother could see the line of women that has come after her. What we have done and accomplished, even though she had to scrape and beg to keep a roof over her families head. I believe it was because she remained faithful to God and although she never got to see us in action, her sacrifice has paved the way for us.

The "other" family struggles. Poverty stricken, living in a slum - going nowhere slowly. I feel the corner of my mouth turn up in scorn - my heart whispers the words "this is what you get"...I feel petty, but somehow their downfall has fed my attitude of vengeance. My family suffered, heartbroken and alone my great grandmother was left to fend for herself and now look...blood tells.

Why did my great grandfather do it?

I actually believe that just as my great grandmothers actions has influenced our family line, his actions have influenced theirs. They are paying the price for his disloyalty. He brought into that home, a spirit of lust, betrayal and brokeness. Its a generational curse brought on by his own actions. Today, parts of that family is christian and they pray and attend church - but I wonder if that they understand the bigger picture of why they are where they are. Did they think, that life just happened this way? I feel bad for the upcoming generations and I believe that a full recovery can be made - but a price must be paid and today we see it happening.

We like to think of ourselves seperate from the generations before us, but its all linked. Things are passed down - hardships and blessings due to someone elses actions- this is how things work. Our partners are porn addicts for a reason - it would be interesting to know what happened in that family line (if the family is honest enough to say it like it is)...

We have a serious problem with lust and abuse in my family line from both sides. In every generation, we see it pop up. Its there because we have failed to make the right decisions, when we were called to be righteous and do the right thing.

I would be lying if I said my decision to stay up to this point hasn't been largely, because I believe that my son will reap the rewards if I stay. My husband comes from a broken home, because his father was a philandering jerk and his father before him was an absentee dad. I want more for my son than the life, his father and grandfather has up to this point had  laid out for him.

Of course, if my husband continues being unfaithful - I wouldn't want my son around that either - but while we are all trying, I will stay because I believe that will bring about positive change in his family line and my son will be in a better place for it.

As future elders of our families, we need to understand what we do now matters. We need to truly embrace the idea that we have the power to change things for the better or the worst and that sometimes to see joy and goodness in our families we need to pay the price for someone elses bad choices.

Sms...

My baby is asleep on my chest. I'm alone again. My husband is heaven knows where. His meant to be in class tonight ( I've been encouraging him to find a hobby to fill the void left by porn) as he reminded me twice this morning.

This afternoon he said his boss wants to go for lunch and needs some bucks. I transfer it..2 minutes later I get sms saying thank you. A minute after that I get saying " can I buy you dinner tonight". No familiar salutations that suggests he knows his smsed his wife. With reminders of class still fresh in my mind, I sms him saying that since his class ends at 9.30pm it might be a late...no answering sms.

Later he claims to have not seen it. I'm not so sure that I believe him.

Where is my husband tonight?