I listened as the old man, spoke to the young boy beside him...he looked like maybe he was in his late 50's . He spoke about life, marriage and sex.
I don't know what caught my attention at first...I think I recognised the tone before I heard the words. He had loved her, but she didn't love him.
They were high school sweethearts. They got pregnant, got married and had three children before the age of 25. They were both broken and thought the other could save them. Raped and molested, beaten and abused - they ran away together in hopes of finding their happily ever after...but the damage was to great to overcome and the love they had, withered away over the years - they fought about everything. The children, the discipline, the money and the men. She loved men. I leaned closer to hear as he spoke of how she would do anything for these men...he listed them off one hand and as he did, his voice grew gruffer.
I am sure that he wasn't an innocent in all of it and he had done his fair share of betrayal - but his regret stained voice got me thinking that maybe he was like me...betrayed and bereft
I wanted to tell him that maybe she was addicted to the love she thought they gave her. What is it about broken people, that the genuine love of someone isn't as good as the shallow make believe infatuation of strangers?
In his voice I heard old pain...the kind that couldn't quite heal even after all these years. He said that maybe if he had been more vicious with her she would have changed, maybe if he had put his foot down things would be different - but he chose to be soft with her and even now years later, he still wasn't sure that she loved him...not anymore at least.
All they do is fight...still. Decades upon decades of screaming tantrums and constant rejection...
Resigned to the choices he has made, he sighed and told the boy - my son, don't ever be like your father. You want something in life you go after it. You don't allow people to run your life for you. You can't change anybody who doesn't want to change...he spoke of how he tried and tried, but it was never good enough.
Now looking back at his intact failed marriage, I wondered how many of us carry the same fate? When a crises threatens to tear apart your family, do you choose to stay or do you choose to let go? Its an impossible choice, and we make it with the best information we have at the time - but what if you make the wrong one? Do you stand there, grey and aged wishing that if you had more chance you would choose a different kind of life for yourself...
I try to not let the overwhelming unknown push me into a decision that I couldn't live with, but its hard. If it ever came down to it, I really would prefer to be on my own - but its a decision made of out fear and right now I am trying so desperately to be brave. Brave for me, my son and my husband...
I was late for work and I had to leave, but I couldn't help but glance up at the man one more time...his mouth turned down at the corners, head bowed as the weight of his regret crowded him...I wanted to tell him, that he had no way of knowing how things would have turned out and if he left he would have always wondered why he didn't try harder.
sigh...
Maybe the next life will be kinder to the brokenhearted...
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Strippers
Well, over the weekend there was a bachelors party for one of my husbands colleagues. Luckily on the invite, it indicated that they may be women and my husband decided that it wasn't a good place for him to go and I was really proud of him...
But yesterday was even more interesting - so apparently there was a stripper there and the groom got off his ass drunk. Someone at the bachelors taped the stripper giving this guy a full body dance and then sent it to his fiance...they are due to be married early November. Worse still, is this guy showed my husband the stripper clip.
I am not quite sure how I feel about this yet, but what I do know is that I am proud of him for telling me that he saw this thing. Apparently it was about 10 seconds long and fairly dark, but for a recovering addict, that's enough of a trigger to set you back. I tried to suss out what he thought about it seeing the clip after all the hard work he has been doing and he seemed to think that it was no big deal - I hope he continues to be brave enough to tell me, if it has more of an impact on him than he thought.
Yesterday was a good day because he told me the truth, before I had to discover it for myself and that's AWESOME.
But yesterday was even more interesting - so apparently there was a stripper there and the groom got off his ass drunk. Someone at the bachelors taped the stripper giving this guy a full body dance and then sent it to his fiance...they are due to be married early November. Worse still, is this guy showed my husband the stripper clip.
I am not quite sure how I feel about this yet, but what I do know is that I am proud of him for telling me that he saw this thing. Apparently it was about 10 seconds long and fairly dark, but for a recovering addict, that's enough of a trigger to set you back. I tried to suss out what he thought about it seeing the clip after all the hard work he has been doing and he seemed to think that it was no big deal - I hope he continues to be brave enough to tell me, if it has more of an impact on him than he thought.
Yesterday was a good day because he told me the truth, before I had to discover it for myself and that's AWESOME.
Monday, 29 October 2012
Common ground
We have been going around from church to church, trying to find a spiritual home. A place where we would both feel comfortable - not an easy feat since I am heavily pentecostal and my husband was raised Catholic. But if there is one thing I have learnt, is that it doesn't matter if we choose different ways in which to serve the Lord -all that matters, is that we do.
So we have been visiting and I have been growing desperate. October has been a HORRIBLE month. I've been fighting him and I've been fighting me and its all getting a bit much. The other day I was reading my buddys blog and she was chatting about how everything gets worse before it gets better and here I am at the end of October and things are seem to be taking a turn for the interesting.
We found a church last night and at first I was really put out, by all the pretty girls, but ja - whatcha gonna do. The worship was amazing and the minister spoke about how we are all children of God. It doesn't matter what we have done, what we will do - God knew us before we were born and He loves us just the same. It was powerful....then another minister stood up and said the following thing and I felt as if God was sending a message to me. He said:
" Sometimes we are like seeds. We are buried under the ground and we think that this is the end. That its finished - its over. But if we just hang on, we will find that what is waiting for us on the other side is far greater than what we could ever imagine. If we push through, the blessing of God is far greater than what we could hope for".
And that's what my life feels like right now. I feel like I have been buried in deep shit and I am fighting for sunlight. Its cold and its dark and I am holding on to the memory of what I know my God can do. My God has never let me down and He has saved me time and time again - and here I am desperately hoping that not only that my God Saves, but my God Heals.
At the end of the service, my husband said something that I had always hoped for - but never thought possible. He said, if we settle in this church - than he would consider helping out with their tech stuff. My mind was blown. Two years ago, my husband couldn't handle church and now his talking about volunteering - wow!!!
The sunlight is warming the soil and the possibility of what my marriage could be is calling out...
The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty."
Haggai 2:9
So we have been visiting and I have been growing desperate. October has been a HORRIBLE month. I've been fighting him and I've been fighting me and its all getting a bit much. The other day I was reading my buddys blog and she was chatting about how everything gets worse before it gets better and here I am at the end of October and things are seem to be taking a turn for the interesting.
We found a church last night and at first I was really put out, by all the pretty girls, but ja - whatcha gonna do. The worship was amazing and the minister spoke about how we are all children of God. It doesn't matter what we have done, what we will do - God knew us before we were born and He loves us just the same. It was powerful....then another minister stood up and said the following thing and I felt as if God was sending a message to me. He said:
" Sometimes we are like seeds. We are buried under the ground and we think that this is the end. That its finished - its over. But if we just hang on, we will find that what is waiting for us on the other side is far greater than what we could ever imagine. If we push through, the blessing of God is far greater than what we could hope for".
And that's what my life feels like right now. I feel like I have been buried in deep shit and I am fighting for sunlight. Its cold and its dark and I am holding on to the memory of what I know my God can do. My God has never let me down and He has saved me time and time again - and here I am desperately hoping that not only that my God Saves, but my God Heals.
At the end of the service, my husband said something that I had always hoped for - but never thought possible. He said, if we settle in this church - than he would consider helping out with their tech stuff. My mind was blown. Two years ago, my husband couldn't handle church and now his talking about volunteering - wow!!!
The sunlight is warming the soil and the possibility of what my marriage could be is calling out...
The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty."
Haggai 2:9
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
YOLO FATTY
My weight is a problem...I keep getting into these days when I look at my fat ass and in my head - I am like WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE. I am inspired for a day and then I let momentum slip through my fingers.
When am I am finally going to get it?? I need to exercise consistently and watch what I am eating - its a lifestyle and not a diet. If I want to be the better version of myself that exists in my head, then I need work at it.
I spent time with mom over the weekend...she has hired a maid, because she struggles to walk for more than 15 minutes. She thinks she weighs 200kgs, but she isn't sure because she thinks no scale can get up to her number. We would need an industrial scale to find out how heavy my mom is...
On saturday, 3am in damn morning - crying because my husband is an asshole, I weighed myself. 116kgs. Thats how much I weighed when I was at full term with my baby - AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
I am HUGE. It depresses me, but when am I going to hit rock bottom? I see what I can become and I don't want that. I want play with my kids, be sexy for myself and be sexy for my partner. These days I struggle with feeling in my legs when I sit. Its really bad. It goes totally lame if I sit with my leg crooked for a little bit, what the heck is that. I feel old and rickety. Oh how I miss the glory days of hip hop dancing.
I have started walking in my lunch times. Its hard to do it when I get home and I have let that be an excuse for to long ;-( So I now have my takkies with me and I go for a walk. I worry about stinking though. I am not running or anything, but a good pace definitely provides a "glow".
Today I weighed myself again and I am weighing in at 113.3kgs.
I don't understand why I weigh more in the afternoon than I do in the morning...anyways. So I am going to try and start small - just going for a walk during lunchtime and see what happens. Take it easy and just committ to baby steps...
p.s Apparently his moving desks. He won't be with Cheryl anymore - his going back to sitting with guys and by all accounts, the guy next him is a real jerk. I like it though, because it means that my husband will think twice of getting into weird shit with someone watching...
When am I am finally going to get it?? I need to exercise consistently and watch what I am eating - its a lifestyle and not a diet. If I want to be the better version of myself that exists in my head, then I need work at it.
I spent time with mom over the weekend...she has hired a maid, because she struggles to walk for more than 15 minutes. She thinks she weighs 200kgs, but she isn't sure because she thinks no scale can get up to her number. We would need an industrial scale to find out how heavy my mom is...
On saturday, 3am in damn morning - crying because my husband is an asshole, I weighed myself. 116kgs. Thats how much I weighed when I was at full term with my baby - AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
I am HUGE. It depresses me, but when am I going to hit rock bottom? I see what I can become and I don't want that. I want play with my kids, be sexy for myself and be sexy for my partner. These days I struggle with feeling in my legs when I sit. Its really bad. It goes totally lame if I sit with my leg crooked for a little bit, what the heck is that. I feel old and rickety. Oh how I miss the glory days of hip hop dancing.
I have started walking in my lunch times. Its hard to do it when I get home and I have let that be an excuse for to long ;-( So I now have my takkies with me and I go for a walk. I worry about stinking though. I am not running or anything, but a good pace definitely provides a "glow".
Today I weighed myself again and I am weighing in at 113.3kgs.
I don't understand why I weigh more in the afternoon than I do in the morning...anyways. So I am going to try and start small - just going for a walk during lunchtime and see what happens. Take it easy and just committ to baby steps...
p.s Apparently his moving desks. He won't be with Cheryl anymore - his going back to sitting with guys and by all accounts, the guy next him is a real jerk. I like it though, because it means that my husband will think twice of getting into weird shit with someone watching...
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
Free e-cards
Yesterday, my husband sent me a free e-card. I stared at my inbox confused as my heart skipped a beat. He sent me something...he thought of me at point during his day and sent me something to show for it...that hasn't happended in a looong time.
I followed the link and the most shmaltzy thing I have ever seen leaped at me..definitely outside of his comfort zone. It was on par with getting a greeting card and but the only thing of him on that card was his sign off "Mwah"...elated at first - I went from there to spitting mad in a split second. I raged in my own head about how many other e-cards he could have sent out to other women?? It wasn't personal enough, it wasn't good enough...but then I reminded myself that this was big step for him. His so entrenched in his own selfishness that its a big deal for him to send me something...anything remotely emotional. And for that reason alone, I allowed myself to just accept it for what it was. A first step possibily to something greater...still mad at him for dickdom, but understanding that it was a now or never moment, I sent him one back to say thank you.
Yesterday, in car we spoke about this asshole who ran away from home because he was having problems in his marriage. This jackass faked his own high jacking, had the country looking for him - only for him to admit that he was struggling in his marriage and he wanted to see what his wife would do - then preceeded to sms his 15 year old daughter "Help hijacked" and left his car in the middle of nowhere - his now on the run from the police, because they want to arrest him for perjury. My husband casually included into the conversation, that he doesn't understand why men hurt their own families like this. Why don't men realise that the decisions they make hurt the ones they love ...they understand the toll it takes on the families..his backhanded way of apologising for the hurt his caused...his become a master at those.
He sent one again today -an e-card with an actual sentence from him saying that I was the most precious thing to him in the whole world. Maybe he did get it after all? You don't need money to say you care... Well we'll see if this is just some sort of temporary appeasement or will he be able to make this as part of his communication style with me.
I hope it is...right now a free-e card is all that stands between us the unknown.
I wonder if I'll get one tomorrow...I would like that...
I followed the link and the most shmaltzy thing I have ever seen leaped at me..definitely outside of his comfort zone. It was on par with getting a greeting card and but the only thing of him on that card was his sign off "Mwah"...elated at first - I went from there to spitting mad in a split second. I raged in my own head about how many other e-cards he could have sent out to other women?? It wasn't personal enough, it wasn't good enough...but then I reminded myself that this was big step for him. His so entrenched in his own selfishness that its a big deal for him to send me something...anything remotely emotional. And for that reason alone, I allowed myself to just accept it for what it was. A first step possibily to something greater...still mad at him for dickdom, but understanding that it was a now or never moment, I sent him one back to say thank you.
Yesterday, in car we spoke about this asshole who ran away from home because he was having problems in his marriage. This jackass faked his own high jacking, had the country looking for him - only for him to admit that he was struggling in his marriage and he wanted to see what his wife would do - then preceeded to sms his 15 year old daughter "Help hijacked" and left his car in the middle of nowhere - his now on the run from the police, because they want to arrest him for perjury. My husband casually included into the conversation, that he doesn't understand why men hurt their own families like this. Why don't men realise that the decisions they make hurt the ones they love ...they understand the toll it takes on the families..his backhanded way of apologising for the hurt his caused...his become a master at those.
He sent one again today -an e-card with an actual sentence from him saying that I was the most precious thing to him in the whole world. Maybe he did get it after all? You don't need money to say you care... Well we'll see if this is just some sort of temporary appeasement or will he be able to make this as part of his communication style with me.
I hope it is...right now a free-e card is all that stands between us the unknown.
I wonder if I'll get one tomorrow...I would like that...
Monday, 22 October 2012
Blow me
"Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" - by Pink
White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and they burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold,
But there's nothing to grasp so I let go
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (NO!)
Have you had a shit day? (NO!), we've had a shit day (NO!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did,
Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left
No more sick whiskey dick, no more battles for me
You'll be calling a trick, 'cause you'll no longer sleep
I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone
I will laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Blow me one last kiss
Blow me one last kiss
I will do what I please, anything that I want
I will breathe, I will breathe, I won't worry at all
You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why's, will all be crystal clear
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Clenched shut jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and they burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold,
But there's nothing to grasp so I let go
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (NO!)
Have you had a shit day? (NO!), we've had a shit day (NO!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did,
Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left
No more sick whiskey dick, no more battles for me
You'll be calling a trick, 'cause you'll no longer sleep
I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone
I will laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Blow me one last kiss
Blow me one last kiss
I will do what I please, anything that I want
I will breathe, I will breathe, I won't worry at all
You will pay for your sins, you'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why's, will all be crystal clear
I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Na na na na - da da da da
Blow me one last kiss.
Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day (No!)
Have you had a shit day? (No!), we've had a shit day (No!)
I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss.
To be passionately pursued
I have been spiralling. I keep looking at Abigails picture like she's a terrorist and I need to find her and destroy her. I can feel the bitterness tighten and tighten deep inside...I joined a chat group, because I was convinced that my husband was on it. This time I didn't punk out and got the guy to send me his picture...definitely not my husband...I felt so shitty about it that I explained that I am in fact not looking for someone to hookup with and that I thought he was my husband blah blah blah I am so sorry etc etc...I then kept on apologising like a crazy woman and I wondered why? Why couldn't I just delete the account..and then I realised its because he was paying me attention and it was dangerous. I soaked it up like a sun starved eskimo and it put me in a tailspin. I apologised one more time like a stuck record and then I went for a drive.What the hell was I doing - up to now my hands have been clean, I struck up a report with internet guy in hopes of revealing my husband, but now that I knew it wasn't him - I was in quicksand, liable to lose the moral high ground.
I wondered what wrong in my relationship with my husband - why do I keep thinking his cheating on me still? Why do I keep going round and round in circles...and I realised its because my husband is not showing me love the way I need him to. His not speaking my language. I desperately need him to be overwhelming passionate about me. I need him to TELL ME how much he cares, how much I mean to him. He has words for all these other woman, but no words for me. He buys me things and does things to show me that he cares, but I don't want things - all I want is him. I want him to share himself with me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me that I am his universe and that he would be lost without me. I want him to passionately declare himself to me and court me all over again and thats exactly what I told him...he then got angry with me. I told him that I feel rejected and unloved and he said how is it possible, when he does so many things for me...I said I appreciate all that his done, but its not what I need. Its not enough -
He was angry with me, because I needed him to speak to me...he says I keep changing things and that I am always finding something wrong with him.
That was on Thursday...on Saturday we had a shouting match. I told him that he has all these words, for all his women but he has none for me. He shouted that he would have said anything to sleep with them and I told him that his not getting the point. I don't care what he told them...what I care about is that he had a commnuication plan for these women. He wanted them and he went after them- Where is my plan? Why can't he tell me things, when he obviously has no problem talking to women...where is his passionate persuit of me? Its not enough that he does things, I need him to talk to me. We shouted at each for the next 20 minutes - me begging him to understand what I need, and him defensive what he percieved as a critism and not a cry for help. He told me that I need put my self in his shoes and understand he is has been trying and how must he feel when his been doing all these things...he even said, that maybe he should stop making me breakfast and do this instead. And thats when I finally understood - I understood that maybe I am asking him to do something that he doesn't feel. I am asking him to be passionate about me, but he can't be because thats not how he feels. He hides behind doing things like doing all the chores, making me breakfast...its all stuff, but never him.
I asked him to think about how he loves me. Does he love me like a lover or like a friend.
Its our engagement all over again. I have always felt that I pushed him into it - and to this day he says I didn't. I remember issuing an ultimatum and funny enough after he proposed - maybe two/three weeks later he found himself a prostitute. Maybe I should have just let go...and here I am again, but I won't make the same mistake twice...
I told him that I have one more thing to say and this will be end of it - I want him to note and remember that there once was a time in our marriage when I fought and begged him to share himself with me. He apologised for shouting and then that was it. He surprised me with ice-cream later. I would have been happier with a hug. Argument over.
Yesterday I went for a drive to sea and I watched a small little bird battle against the winds. Her wings pumped furiously, trying to make headway - but she stayed on exactly the same spot. She kept on trying, but the winds were to strong. Didn't she know that she was fighting against something bigger than her? Maybe she should just stop and wait for the winds to die down and try again.
I don't want to have to fight with my husband to get him to love me.
p.s. I deleted the account with internet guy - even now when things are not looking good - my marriage won't fail because I didn't try my best.
I wondered what wrong in my relationship with my husband - why do I keep thinking his cheating on me still? Why do I keep going round and round in circles...and I realised its because my husband is not showing me love the way I need him to. His not speaking my language. I desperately need him to be overwhelming passionate about me. I need him to TELL ME how much he cares, how much I mean to him. He has words for all these other woman, but no words for me. He buys me things and does things to show me that he cares, but I don't want things - all I want is him. I want him to share himself with me. I want him to look into my eyes and tell me that I am his universe and that he would be lost without me. I want him to passionately declare himself to me and court me all over again and thats exactly what I told him...he then got angry with me. I told him that I feel rejected and unloved and he said how is it possible, when he does so many things for me...I said I appreciate all that his done, but its not what I need. Its not enough -
He was angry with me, because I needed him to speak to me...he says I keep changing things and that I am always finding something wrong with him.
That was on Thursday...on Saturday we had a shouting match. I told him that he has all these words, for all his women but he has none for me. He shouted that he would have said anything to sleep with them and I told him that his not getting the point. I don't care what he told them...what I care about is that he had a commnuication plan for these women. He wanted them and he went after them- Where is my plan? Why can't he tell me things, when he obviously has no problem talking to women...where is his passionate persuit of me? Its not enough that he does things, I need him to talk to me. We shouted at each for the next 20 minutes - me begging him to understand what I need, and him defensive what he percieved as a critism and not a cry for help. He told me that I need put my self in his shoes and understand he is has been trying and how must he feel when his been doing all these things...he even said, that maybe he should stop making me breakfast and do this instead. And thats when I finally understood - I understood that maybe I am asking him to do something that he doesn't feel. I am asking him to be passionate about me, but he can't be because thats not how he feels. He hides behind doing things like doing all the chores, making me breakfast...its all stuff, but never him.
I asked him to think about how he loves me. Does he love me like a lover or like a friend.
Its our engagement all over again. I have always felt that I pushed him into it - and to this day he says I didn't. I remember issuing an ultimatum and funny enough after he proposed - maybe two/three weeks later he found himself a prostitute. Maybe I should have just let go...and here I am again, but I won't make the same mistake twice...
I told him that I have one more thing to say and this will be end of it - I want him to note and remember that there once was a time in our marriage when I fought and begged him to share himself with me. He apologised for shouting and then that was it. He surprised me with ice-cream later. I would have been happier with a hug. Argument over.
Yesterday I went for a drive to sea and I watched a small little bird battle against the winds. Her wings pumped furiously, trying to make headway - but she stayed on exactly the same spot. She kept on trying, but the winds were to strong. Didn't she know that she was fighting against something bigger than her? Maybe she should just stop and wait for the winds to die down and try again.
I don't want to have to fight with my husband to get him to love me.
p.s. I deleted the account with internet guy - even now when things are not looking good - my marriage won't fail because I didn't try my best.
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