You must remember my love...

Mommy loves you very much. I remember my first visit to the doctor and he showed me you on his scanning machine- you were so little I could hardly see you, but mommy fell in love with you right away. And now, you are here and I am so glad I can hold you in my arms. Just so that you know - you make some serious stinky poos my son and I think you know it, because you laugh at me when I need change you:-)


My love, mommy will always be with you in your heart - but I won't always be there to walk beside you and in life you will need to make some hard decisions.  Who am I? How do I want to lead my life? What do I believe? My son, mommy wants you to know a couple of things that I have learnt in my life. Some have been passed down from your grandparents, my faith and from some really stupid decisions and good choices. Baby, remember:


1) God will never leave you, nor forsake you. Don't however abuse his grace and think you can whatever you want and you can just ask for forgiveness - it doesn't work that way. Give your heart to Him and follow Him. He loves you more than you know!

2)There is no mistake/bad decision, that you can't recover from. That doesn't mean you won't have to face the consequences, but life goes on and your tomorrow can still be brilliant, even if it looks different from what you initially thought.


3) Drugs, alcohol and porn are bad for you. Both mommy and daddy has made some really bad choices and we have hurt each and ourselves because of it. My love, you need to decide what kinds of activities are okay with you. If it changes you into someone that does bad things or things that you are ashamed of, then its probably not good for you. If you find yourself in a situation where you become an addict. Seek God and get help. Counsellors are just friends who know how to help.


4) Guard your heart and body. Don't sleep around. You are incredibly special and amazing. When you decide to have sex with somebody, its because you love each other and respect each other. When you have a lot partners, you will lose a little bit of yourself every time until you don't feel much for the person you are sleeping with anymore and then you might miss out on being able to recognise the partner that God has created for you. 


5) Condoms will protect you from HIV, but not other STDS. 


6) Surround yourself with good people. Who you hang out with, will influence who you are and what you do. People who sit on their bums and don't work towards their goals are losers. You my son, are not a loser. Surround yourself with people who will inspire you and encourage you and very importantly be honest with you. They may not get everything right, but people who love you will push you forward instead of holding you back.


7) You are in charge of your own life. Noone is going to come and just hand over things to you. You want to be happy and successful? Decide what that looks like, draw up a plan and what you will need to achieve it and GO FOR IT. You never know unless you try!


8) Love yourself and those around you. Treat everyone well. When God is in your heart, you know how to love others because God is Love.  

1 Corinthians 13

I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.If I give away all I have, and if deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.


Love is patient and kind;love does not envy or boast;it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.


Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away;as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke  like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I become a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.


So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

9) Actions speak louder than words. If people treat you badly, then they don't love you or perhaps they just don't you enough. Forgive them and take a step back from them. Its important to give people chances, but be wise as to how many and with who.


10) Be careful with other people's hearts, my love. Only say you love someone when you mean it. And when someone treats yours badly, pray about what to do. Try everything you can to heal and restore a relationship/marriage - and when everything is done and its just to broken to put back together- walk away knowing that you did everything you could.


11) The world is filled with pain and misery. People do bad things. Be the difference you want to see in the world.


12) Take calculated risks. Travel the world. Tell the people you love, you love them. Educate yourself as much as possible. You only live once, live your life.


Remember my love...

It doesn't matter what you may have done or said,

you will always be my son.

I will always be proud of you

I will always believe in you

I will always love you

The shame of the Stepford wife

So we're talking about Christmas plans with my parents over the weekend and I suggested we have the family lunch over at our place. I turned to my husband and asked him how many people does he think we can fit into our lounge and he says "Well, remember the birthday dinner you threw me last year? There was about 10 people there" and just like that, I felt foolish all over again.

I remember his birthday... 

I remember that I slaved to make a 3 course meal with assorted side dishes for 10 people. I remember asking my mom for cutlery and crockery, because I didn't have any that was fancy enough. I borrowed linens and tables...and on the night, there I was - warmer on the go, coffee tray in hand - praising him in front of everyone for being such a fantastic husband...

 And now...now I just feel stupid for going all out in front of everyone to make him happy. I feel like an idiot, because while I was planned his birthday party - he most likely planned on registering himself on yet another dating website. 


I sometimes wonder if my single friends saw his dating profiles, but never mentioned it to me:-( 


To add further insult to injury, besides the public humiliation - there is the private shame about how he always acted so possessive about his wedding band and photos of me. He would always pretend to get upset, if I deleted a photo of myself that I didn't like off his phone. He feigned anger, that I was messing with something that was precious to him. He would really go all out. Sputtering about how I am not ever allowed to touch his phone again. That the photos are special. Blah blah blah blah....


Oh and the damn wedding band. He always ensured that he had it on. When he took off for soccer, it would be the first thing he would ask for when we went home.2 days before D day, he told me that it was special to him because it reminded him of me - that same day he spent the night chatting away online. Mmmm, I wonder if he took it off when he made out with that chick after we got married....


Now I can't bear the thought of taking photos with him and he can shove his band. As a matter of fact, I no longer wear my wedding ring, because it has lost all meaning. I cringe at the thought, that we are going to have pose for family pics come Christmas. And if he asks for photos of just the two of us...I don't know. What would be the point? Its not like carrying around photos of me helped him stay faithful - as a matter of fact when he started his last FB relationship, his profile pic was of the two of us together.


I am devastated and embarrassed that I so publicly championed him. He smile and enjoyed it, while betraying me with any harlot he could find...


Well no more. He won't make a fool of me again. He can take his band and shove it and as for photos...well my son better be there, because his the only reason I would be willing to take them!

She said no, but she meant yes...

"In South Africa, a woman has a greater chance of being raped 

than learning how to read..."

One in three of the 4,000 women questioned by the Community of Information, Empowerment and Transparency said they had been raped in the past year. A survey conducted among 1,500 schoolchildren in the Soweto township, a quarter of all the boys interviewed said that 'jackrolling', a term for gang rape, was fun. More than 25% of South African men questioned in a survey admitted to raping someone; of those, nearly half said they had raped more than one person, according to a new study conducted by the Medical Research Council (MRC). It is estimated that 500,000 rapes are committed annually in South Africa. A 2010 study led by the government-funded Medical Research Foundation says that in Gauteng province, home to South Africa's most populous city of Johannesburg, more than 37 percent of men said they had raped a woman. Nearly 7 percent of the 487 men surveyed said they had participated in a gang rape. South Africa has some of the highest incidences of child and baby rape in the world with more than 67,000 cases of rape and sexual assaults against children reported in 2000.(http://www.rape.co.za/)

                                                 "She said no, but she meant yes..."

A story caught my eye the other day. It was about the man they now call the "Facebook rapist".  He had done some despicable things including rape and when they asked why he had done it - he said it was the spirit of lust. Some scoffed, but I immediately knew what he meant. The kind of lust he was talking about, isn't the kind of butterflies in your tummy feeling when you see someone attractive. This is the ugly, compulsive need to treat someone else like trash in the most worst possible way. Its that feeling that doesn't recognise the other person as a human being - instead they are just objects to be used and abused. 

                            " In most cases of rape, the rapist had been watching porn"

Objectification is a massive part of porn addiction. The inability to actually see the other person.  Porn glorifies the man who can subdue the "unwilling" woman. It glamorises men forcing themselves onto women, because ALL women like to be treated roughly. It teaches us, that deep down, all women are whores and are up for it, anytime.

In a poverty ridden country, we do what we can to entertain ourselves. We look for cheap and easy access activities. Sex and porn has become an easy solution for boredom...and look what its done to my country. We have the highest rate of rape and HIV/AIDS in the world. Nobody can tell me, that porn plays no part in this.

Porn destroys more than just relationships. It destroys cities...countries. It infiltrates the very fabric of who we are and it turns us into predators. Porn turns loved ones to victims and blinds the heart of the perpetrator, until they lose sight of who they really are...

                                     We hide from God, ashamed of what we have become....

                                        Father please forgive us...what have we done?

I'm a dirty girl

To whom it may concern: I am dirty, dirty girl...
I have found this phenomenal site called "Dirty Girl Ministries" https://dgm.onthecity.org/home

Oh my...

I have been feeling so alone. As a Christian in South Africa, we tend to be a very conservative bunch. Nobody wants to know about porn addiction in the congregation. We can barely talk about how to treat your wife and husband with respect in case we offend some custom or tradition. I have been searching for something to help women, but according to my search for support- apparently in SA only men suffer from porn addiction :-(


Maybe I should start a womans' ministry. Heaven knows we need it...anyways check it out, you won't be sorry!

My mom and porn

A while back, my husband mentioned to me that his dad had asked if he has any porn to lend him. I was sooo disgusted. How can a parent ask a child if they have porn? What's wrong with the man?

I was so blind to my own behaviour that I only just realised, that that's exactly what I have been doing with my mom. We have been swapping Mills and Boon and thick "romantic" books for years. I gave my grandmother over 400 books at the beginning of this year before my marriage fell apart. I didn't want her to get bored...

 In the most bluntest terms, I have been feeding my families lust. Now I used to argue that it wasn't about the sex, it was all about the love story, but that's a load of shit. It was all about the sex and even though I did sometimes feel a prick of embarrassment when I gave my mom some of my more x-rated stuff, it never lasted very long.What was wrong with me?

My mother taught me many things. She once told me, not to act "sexy" when taking public transport because you simply don't know what kind of men are out there. She taught me "never to throw pearls before swine" meaning, that you shouldn't share important personal things with just anybody. She has shown me, that if anybody messes with me - she will be the first in line to kick their asses...and she taught me that Mills and Boon books are acceptable by swopping them with me. A far cry from the woman who once threw away my books. What changed for her? Did time and being bored in her own marriage finally wear her down?

I don't blame my mom for the choices I have made. I am just saying that I wish things could have been different. I wish that she could have blazed a path for me, but she allowed unhealthy lust to seem okay. I wish that she could have told me, that reading these kinds of books would take my eyes off my husband and focus them instead on strange men. I wish she could have told me that my sex life would go down the toilet, because no human man can match the cocaine like high from reading porn and I would just be bringing trouble into my own marriage. If I had kept on this path, I am sure I would have cheated on my husband. In our most honest conversations we have both admitted to thinking about other people during sex - it was only a matter of time before it became a reality. 

I will ensure that my children learn from my mistakes. Maybe they won't listen to "crazy" mom, but the cost of this experience is so high that it would be foolish not to share it. 

I wish I could share this with my mom too, but she isn't ready for this level of honesty and introspection. Right now she seems happy to function in her dysfunction and until someone is ready to let that go, everything falls on deaf ears. I am sad that I have allowed lust to rob me of so much. I am sadder still that my mom has been tangled alongside me in this web of lust. My prayer is for her to see the light and for her marriage to be healed. I trust that God will use what has happened and will beam a light into the darkness.


And mom, I will be here whenever you're ready. I love you...

My Gethsemane

Can you be happy in a marriage, after a partner has been unfaithful? Is this to be my gethsemane?


Before I discovered my husbands numerous infidelities, I was a happily married woman. I was content with my lot in life. I let go of the fact that my husband never spoke to me about his feelings, but I rationalised that it was just a guy thing. I ignored the fact that over the years, intimacy dwindled to the extent where we felt like two friends instead of two people in love.So what if we were more lukewarm, than hot - maybe this is what family life looks like.


I had asked God to help us be good parents and then watched as he answered my prayer, by stripping bear our sham of a marriage.  My husband and I now stand at ground zero trying to rebuild, but all that we have these days are glimpses of happiness. These glimpses for me are often followed by a far longer lasting hammering of memories and pain. I refuse to ignore it, but I work hard at not being gratuitous about it. I have accepted the fact, that there is no way around it - if I want to heal, I need to go through it. Its hard though. We both wish "it" would just go away. 

We both wish I could forget "it" and move on...

we both wish we could be happy, but the truth is we're not. 85% of the time I am completely miserable. I don't know how he feels, because he still doesn't tell me unless I ask him. I have asked God to restore my heart to my husband, because this thing is so far beyond me, that its crushed me. If my marriage survives, it will only be because God has healed it...or maybe that's the point?


Is my marriage meant to be a testimony to Gods grace? I know its selfish, but if it is...why me? Couldn't He have found some other way? Is my purpose in this life, to be Gods hand in severing the clear generational curse of lust and broken families that run in his bloodline and perhaps mine (just found out the other day that my grandmother was an affair when she was a young married woman)...its to much for me to bear. I can't carry this load and yet...and yet if I stay and if God is faithful to His word - then my son will be free, my husband will know and feel Gods grace, forgiveness and joy. Is this my calling? Is this my ministry?

what 

about 

me? 

I am afraid, that if I stay I will just be wasting more time. I am scared that I am misreading Gods will and this just my desperate need to  make it all, make sense. 


I am terrified that the man who betrayed me as he kissed me - will take what little is left of my precious heart and give it away to some prostitute or a cheap one night stand.


God I ask for the strength and the resolve to see this through. If this is Your will, show me what you want me to do. This load is to heavy to carry and so I hand it and my heart over to You...

Sick...reeeaally

Sick huh?

Mmmmm, my first day back at work and my husband has decided that today he is sick and needs to stay home...

Of course the first thought that went through my mind, was whether his actually staying home to either have;

a) Online sex with someone

b) Actual sex with someone

c)  Sex with himself

Before I caught him, I would have been soooo sorry for him. Poor baby! But when I think about the time he actually went to meet someone he met online - I wonder if he told me if he was "sick" then to and had to stay home...or maybe he just pretended to go to work.

I am sad that my first thoughts are now whether or not his actually screwing around. I am sadder still that I then immediately think, that is doesn't matter - with the next lie detector test I'll catch him out.  But you can bet your ass on this -if he has been creeping around, there is not enough meds in the world that will save him from what I got in store!