Monday, 6 February 2012
#3 things I can't say out loud
I binge eat. I binge eat all the time. I weigh myself continously and freak out if my weight gain is even a fraction. I can't tell him, because he would start comparing me to his thinner ex's I am sure. Why can't I just stick to what I need to eat?? Nothing tastes as good as being skinny!
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Am I whore enough for you now?
I am seething with doubt. I look at my husband and all I want to do is divorce him and maybe go back to dating him. I know its weird, that I would date but not marry - but thats how I feel. I feel like I want the chance to choose.HE chose to marry me under false pretenses. HE lied to me about his faithfulness and committment. HE chose that while I work my ass off for our family, HE would try and sleep with anyone that would have him. HE chose this life...I didn't.
I was taken in by false advertising. I bought the product, but the gaurentee of a lifetime faded before I ever got it out of the box and I would like to return to sender. I feel disempowered and victimized - I placed my hopes and dreams in someone who didn't deserve it and now...now I am meant to forgive and move on. If it wasn't for my son, I would. Having him here complicates my decisions - I would walk away in a heart beat, but what about my sons heart?
So I have decided not to breathe a word about whether hubby is being faithful. Its hard, and surprisingly my focus has shifted to food and a part of me hopes to be anorexic so that he could suffer more guilt. I fantisise about yelling at him " Isn't this what you wanted? For me to look like one of your whores?" I want him to pay for breaking my heart. I want to wound him. Even if its an inch of how I feel, it would be enough pain to last a lifetime. I want him to doubt himself. To turn away from the mirror whenever he catches his reflection. I want him to feel like I do - disgusted with himself, ashamed of how he looks and heartbroken at the thought that maybe his not good enough.
His emails are littered with "honeys" and "mwahs". The closer we get to the picture of how it was before, the more uncomfortable I get. I have seen this scene and it decieved me...fool me once....
I long to put out the light and then put out the light...
My son is my only happiness
Why me?
Weight at start: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 105.9
Lost: 4.7 kgs
I was taken in by false advertising. I bought the product, but the gaurentee of a lifetime faded before I ever got it out of the box and I would like to return to sender. I feel disempowered and victimized - I placed my hopes and dreams in someone who didn't deserve it and now...now I am meant to forgive and move on. If it wasn't for my son, I would. Having him here complicates my decisions - I would walk away in a heart beat, but what about my sons heart?
So I have decided not to breathe a word about whether hubby is being faithful. Its hard, and surprisingly my focus has shifted to food and a part of me hopes to be anorexic so that he could suffer more guilt. I fantisise about yelling at him " Isn't this what you wanted? For me to look like one of your whores?" I want him to pay for breaking my heart. I want to wound him. Even if its an inch of how I feel, it would be enough pain to last a lifetime. I want him to doubt himself. To turn away from the mirror whenever he catches his reflection. I want him to feel like I do - disgusted with himself, ashamed of how he looks and heartbroken at the thought that maybe his not good enough.
His emails are littered with "honeys" and "mwahs". The closer we get to the picture of how it was before, the more uncomfortable I get. I have seen this scene and it decieved me...fool me once....
I long to put out the light and then put out the light...
My son is my only happiness
Why me?
Weight at start: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 105.9
Lost: 4.7 kgs
Thursday, 26 January 2012
things I can't say out loud#2
Last night, a friend of my husbands came up to us to say hi. He asked my husband why he doesn't play soccer anymore and he responded saying that he has a baby to look after now. The friend turns to me and says, so how far along are you o_0
My baby is 5 months old, turning 6 on sat...
I am so fat:-(
My baby is 5 months old, turning 6 on sat...
I am so fat:-(
Monday, 23 January 2012
How to catch a cheat
Exasperated, my husband said he doesn't know how to show me his being faithful. This after once again, I compulsively asked him questions about what has gone on before. All I can do, he said, is keep on doing what I am doing and hopefully one day you will see that I'm not cheating anymore.
Well that would be great. Not to look at my husband and think about who has he attempted to screw that day. And to be honest I have no intention of spending my life with a man, where this is a distinct possibility. How can I be sure of his faithfulness? My plan is simple. I will give him a false sense of confidence till August, at that point I will be sending him for a lie detector test. There is no way I am spending my 30th birthday with a lying piece of shit.
I started yesterday. It was hard, but I managed. He wanted to go play cricket with some family members and two overseas students (girls) were scheduled to go along. They would be in their early twenties, bubbly and unchanged by life burdens. I didn't make a fuss - I wished him well and sent him off with a smile. When he came back, I didn't ask him any questions related to them. Let him think that I am over it...
And thats my plan. I will be doing my best not to bring up the past, I will not be exploring his laptop or googling his name every other day, to see if it will come up on some random chat group. Checking on him at every opportunity.
I plan on going to see my sister soon. She lives in another city. I would like to go away for maybe 1 or 2 nights. I am beginning to encourage my husband to leave our son, with my mom - because I am sure he will need a bit of a break. He said no, because of two things : with our son at home, he won't cheat and if he gives him to my mom - I won't believe that he didn't cheat. I am working on it though. Maybe I will spin it, that since I am going on a mini break, he should enjoy himself as well and just take some time off.
The bottom line is that if I want to see if he will cheat, I need to provide the opportunities. I can't keep him on a tight leash forever. I refuse to operate in fear for the rest of my life. So ja. I wish my husband good luck- he has his whole family to gain and only his sin to lose.
Starting weight: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 107.1kgs
Loss: 3.5ksg
Well that would be great. Not to look at my husband and think about who has he attempted to screw that day. And to be honest I have no intention of spending my life with a man, where this is a distinct possibility. How can I be sure of his faithfulness? My plan is simple. I will give him a false sense of confidence till August, at that point I will be sending him for a lie detector test. There is no way I am spending my 30th birthday with a lying piece of shit.
I started yesterday. It was hard, but I managed. He wanted to go play cricket with some family members and two overseas students (girls) were scheduled to go along. They would be in their early twenties, bubbly and unchanged by life burdens. I didn't make a fuss - I wished him well and sent him off with a smile. When he came back, I didn't ask him any questions related to them. Let him think that I am over it...
And thats my plan. I will be doing my best not to bring up the past, I will not be exploring his laptop or googling his name every other day, to see if it will come up on some random chat group. Checking on him at every opportunity.
I want my life back. I am tired of being consumed by doubt and resentment. He wants to cheat, I will do the best I can to provide him with an environment in which that is possible.
The bottom line is that if I want to see if he will cheat, I need to provide the opportunities. I can't keep him on a tight leash forever. I refuse to operate in fear for the rest of my life. So ja. I wish my husband good luck- he has his whole family to gain and only his sin to lose.
Starting weight: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 107.1kgs
Loss: 3.5ksg
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Friday, 13 January 2012
Confession#1
My husband wishes that I looked like Beyonce or Jessica Alba. Why can't I be good enough as I am?....
Monkey see, Monkey do
My grandfather is a philandering jerk. A minister, who loved women. Throughout my grandmothers life, she watched as they came and went and even brought up a child from one of his affairs. Oh, how her heart must have broke. My father vividly remembers listening to my grandfather plead for forgiveness, only to cheat again.
She was an uneducated woman, who came to the city after living on a farm in her childhood. She met my grandfather and was swept away. She bore him 6 children and raised 1, as if it was her own. She was my dads entire world. She may have been uneducated in academic circles, but she was wise. She was a housewife all her years, with doing some house cleaning every now and then. I wonder what she would say to me now.What would she do, if she knew what I am going through. I grew up constantly thinking that I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. I never wanted to turn out to be like my ma - sad and tired. I would be different...
But here I am at my own crossroads and while I feel the tug to leave (okay violent shove) - I don't want to make the decision out of fear. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I out earn my husband and I do not depend on him for a damn dime. I would be fine...but what about my child?
The other day, my father finally told his dad, what he thought of him. My grandfather now in his 70's doesn't understand why none of his children visit him. My dad explained to him, that he is bearing the fruits of his behaviour. This is the consequences of his actions. His own children didn't want to be around him. I was sad for my granddad. Now alone, paying for his mistakes because at the time - he lived for the moment, with no thought as to what it would mean for his future. He didn't know that children will watch you and learn about life from you. It made me think about my son...
His 5 months old now and I love him more than anything in this entire world. I want whats best for him and I do believe that the best involves him being brought up in a home with his own mommy and daddy. He doesn't deserve a broken family. He should know what its like to see healthy relationships played out. I look at my husband and the fact that he comes from a broken family. I see the links between him seeing his dad with his mistress, finding his dad porn collection and medicating himself with masturbation and pornography since the age of 11. He has never had the opportunity to see what a committed relationship looks like. I don't want that for my son. My husband learnt his behaviour from his dad - monkey see, monkey do apparently. But its time for a change in their generational line. I found this image and it really just captures my attitude - let no evil pass through your eyes, do not listen to the voice calling you to stray, guard your tongue and do not let your hormones and lusty appetites govern you...it will only lead to heartbreak.
I want to make my choices from a place of strength, not fear. I want to reach for the best future for my son - the question is, does the best future include living with his biological dad? Would be without his dad, have the same impact? I heard somewhere that only 23% of todays kids in my city is brought up in a home where they still have both their parents.I want my son to be part of the 23%...but what at what cost?
What I know for sure, is that this crap will not be passed down to my son. I will not be treated like my grandmother was...this is a game changing generation - we refuse to take what is being handed to us. Father God please help to see what my next move is...
Starting weight:110.6kgs
Current weight: 108.4kgs
Lost:2.2 kgs
She was an uneducated woman, who came to the city after living on a farm in her childhood. She met my grandfather and was swept away. She bore him 6 children and raised 1, as if it was her own. She was my dads entire world. She may have been uneducated in academic circles, but she was wise. She was a housewife all her years, with doing some house cleaning every now and then. I wonder what she would say to me now.What would she do, if she knew what I am going through. I grew up constantly thinking that I would never stay with a man who cheated on me. I never wanted to turn out to be like my ma - sad and tired. I would be different...
But here I am at my own crossroads and while I feel the tug to leave (okay violent shove) - I don't want to make the decision out of fear. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I out earn my husband and I do not depend on him for a damn dime. I would be fine...but what about my child?
The other day, my father finally told his dad, what he thought of him. My grandfather now in his 70's doesn't understand why none of his children visit him. My dad explained to him, that he is bearing the fruits of his behaviour. This is the consequences of his actions. His own children didn't want to be around him. I was sad for my granddad. Now alone, paying for his mistakes because at the time - he lived for the moment, with no thought as to what it would mean for his future. He didn't know that children will watch you and learn about life from you. It made me think about my son...
His 5 months old now and I love him more than anything in this entire world. I want whats best for him and I do believe that the best involves him being brought up in a home with his own mommy and daddy. He doesn't deserve a broken family. He should know what its like to see healthy relationships played out. I look at my husband and the fact that he comes from a broken family. I see the links between him seeing his dad with his mistress, finding his dad porn collection and medicating himself with masturbation and pornography since the age of 11. He has never had the opportunity to see what a committed relationship looks like. I don't want that for my son. My husband learnt his behaviour from his dad - monkey see, monkey do apparently. But its time for a change in their generational line. I found this image and it really just captures my attitude - let no evil pass through your eyes, do not listen to the voice calling you to stray, guard your tongue and do not let your hormones and lusty appetites govern you...it will only lead to heartbreak.
I want to make my choices from a place of strength, not fear. I want to reach for the best future for my son - the question is, does the best future include living with his biological dad? Would be without his dad, have the same impact? I heard somewhere that only 23% of todays kids in my city is brought up in a home where they still have both their parents.I want my son to be part of the 23%...but what at what cost?
What I know for sure, is that this crap will not be passed down to my son. I will not be treated like my grandmother was...this is a game changing generation - we refuse to take what is being handed to us. Father God please help to see what my next move is...
Starting weight:110.6kgs
Current weight: 108.4kgs
Lost:2.2 kgs
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