Is it better for someone to cheat for love or lust?

My husband would emphasise that none of them meant anything. It was a sex thing. Purely physical and nothing more...

At first it was a comfort as I felt the death knell, surely would ring if he had said that he had loved any of them. But now I am not so sure.

I look into my sons face, beaming at his dad and I wonder how he could have put this on line, for sex with a stranger. How could he have put my love on the line for one night stands...and I search and search for an answer that would satisfy me. One that I could totally embrace and understand and I thought that only one that I would be "okay" with was that if he told me that he loved her...them. I understand love. I have never believed that there is this one true soul mate for everyone. I think that there are a couple of people on this earth that could make you very happy and would be wonderful partners. If you're lucky, you meet one of them and you promise life long committment. I have always understood that somewhere along the line, you will might meet another person that could have made a great partner as well - it would be sad, but you make the right choice and you stick with the one you committed to. Sometimes I find myself thinking...please tell me you loved her. Tell me that you put us on the line for someone who was amazing, wonderful and you had a deep abiding connection with. Please don't tell me, that you put me at risk for some tramp who thought it was cool to do a married guy.

But then I think, if it was love. Shouldn't he have loved me more? I think its possible to care for two people at the same time, but I don't think its possible to care about them the same. Surely, I should have come out on top. So no...love wouldn't do.

So what is it? Yes he hits all the markers for a porn addict, but for some reason I struggle to really embrace it even though it true. For me, I think the simple truth is,is that my husband is broken. His my favourite dress, that got torn at the back by some nail. His the project I have been working on for months only for my boss to make a couple of "suggestions". His my parents first vicious arugment in front of us.... He is broken...and thats something I can understand.

His broken and I can't fix him. His broken and he didn't know. His broken and has cut me on his jagged edges. His broken and I can't bear it...

#8 things I can't say out loud

My husband is a whore :-(

#7 things I can't say out loud

I feel ugly around you

Do you think she was prettier than me...was she a better kisser than me? Where her lips soft and welcoming...and never complaining...

I can not bear my own reflection because of you...

I wish I wasn't me...I wish you weren't you

The Pyrrhic victory

Pyrrhic victory \PIR-ik\ , noun:
A victory achieved at great or excessive cost; a ruinous victory.

They say, that you should stay after your partner cheats provided they understand the amount of pain they have caused. They say that once a cheater sees the destruction they have caused, he will treat you like a queen. They will never ever cheat again.Why let another woman benefit from the pain from you have endured. To reap the rewards of living with a reformed cheat.

But what measure of happiness can really be gotten by staying? So what if he treats you like precious stones - where was this care before? So what if his now on the straight and narrow? By staying you have doomed yourself to a lifetime of questioning his faithfulness...every background sound over the phone could be another woman...every tap of a keyboard could be an online chat. What price am I to pay for my 'reward'. They say that being with someone who has cheated on you once is better than being with someone has never cheated on you before. The logic being that once its done, its over with. But someone who has never cheated is always wondering and can do it at anytime.

How fucked up is that. It's better to stay with someone who has betrayed you, in the hopes that they have learnt their lesson after seeing you cry? In the meantime your life slips away, waiting for him to betray himself again. What kind of life is that? Is this the life I am meant to have? Seeming gratitude that its happened and move on as if its all par for the course? I can't...I just can't. It hurts to much. I would rather be alone, than to wait for him to slip up. I don't want to be with anyone else. I just don't want to be with him...

The loss is to great, tainting dreams in hues of bittersweetness.

I am left dying on the battlefield of his addiction. The trauma to my shattered heart can barely be endured through gritted teeth. He wails over my broken self, trying to withdraw the knife he savaged me with. He tells me the battle is over and we won...I try to smile but as far as I can see I am the only casuality of war. I am the bloodprice for his victory...

The escape plan...

Sitting alone in living room with some b grade action movie playing in the background, I am considering my escape plan. My husband and child are fast asleep and I really should go to bed, but I can't let it go...my escape plan has taken over my imagination.
The thing is, is that I can't possibly stay in a marriage where its become very clear that my husband is an asshole even though his trying to change. It drives me crazy wondering if staying is just going to bite me in the ass down the line. I have always believed once a cheater always a cheater, and now faced my own cheater - I am forced to take a leap of faith if I am to give my marriage a fighting chance. So as I prepare to take this leap of faith, I have decided to strap on a parachute...my escape plan. I am going to open up an account and start saving money. I have started calling it my freedom fund. The sole purpose of this fund, is to allow me and whatever children I may have to start afresh, without daddy dearest. The thought of the fund already makes me feel more at peace. The notion that I will be able to move out or chuck him out with some sort of financial cushion, helps me to breathe easier.
Also I need to pursue my studies more aggressively. Maybe I will do my masters. It will make me more marketable if and when my marriage finally gives up the ghost. I won't have time to study then...but I can study now while he babysits. So ja studying and saving, will give me a fighting chance to be a successful single mom and provide for my family. Mmmm that feels good...

#6 Things I can't say out loud

I miss believing in my husband. I miss the surety that his telling the truth and that he would never hurt me. A drift at sea...I miss the comforting feel of solid ground beneath my feet.

If I could choose - would I choose to know the truth? I don't know if I would...after all if I believe that something is true doesn't it make it real? I miss my innocence...

When truth plays hide and seek

Truth...what is the truth? Is it the truth that he loved me, but not enough to be faithful? Is it the truth that he loved himself more than he loved me and thats why he found it so easy to betray me...or maybe the truth is more heartbreakingly simple. Maybe he just didn't care...

The hardest part about trying to heal, is coming to grips with that the fact that two truths seemingly in conflict, can both exist - valid in its own right and yet discordant when placed next to each other.  Its true he betrayed me...its also true that he loves me. Its true that he cooks, cleans and pays the bills...its true that he never looked after my heart half as well. He loves me...he loves me not...he needs me...maybe not.

In my head I understand what went wrong - I understand how addiction wrapped itself around his heart like a boa constrictor until it finally squeezed the life out of him. I understand it all and yet I don't understand any of it - the questions of why keeps coming up. Its as if my heart refuses to understand, no matter how much I tell it to let it go...come on dear heart,  you read that article of porn addiction over and over again, it makes sense, so let it go....come on dear heart, his already said his sorry a million times, don't you believe him? Come on dear heart, I know you're hurting, but try one more time...just for me.Try to believe...

His porn addiction has robbed me of so much. It has stripped me of my joy and gave away my hard won peace, for not a nickel or dime. He allowed his fantasies to blur into reality and turned my world into a place of doubt, self loathing and insecurity. He took what was good about me and made a mockery of my beliefs...my belief in him...and my belief in myself. Maybe the truth is, I shouldn't have given him that much power...but how do you love someone and hold a part of you back? I don't know how to be self-protective and its killing me.  How do I become stronger, without becoming bitter.

Maybe the truth is, that some truths you don't need to know. If he had had one or two indiscretions and stopped it there - I didn't need to know and I would have been happy - happy but foolish for loving a man, who doesn't love me the same way, I loved him.

The truth is smoke and mirrors and I am tired from trying to understand. I am worn out by reality and heartbreak. I long for the eternal sunshine of spotless mind...

I live by simple truths these days. I love my son and he loves me. God is good all the time. I am on my own... and thats the truth.