Fear infested waters

Tomorrow I go back to work after 3 months of maternity leave and all I can say is "THANK YOU GOD", for bringing me through.

My husbands' infidelities came to light when I was 7 months pregnant. The pain and misery would have killed me, but somehow God held me in the palm of His hand and protected me and my unborn son. I was so worried, that the stress would somehow mess up his development - but his a perfect beautiful baby boy. Thank you Jesus.

There were days, when for fleeting moments when I thought it would be easier just to end my life. These thoughts were just as quickly dismissed as I knew my self worth and the worth of my son was far greater than my circumstances. Thank you God.

Moments turned into hours of bitterly crying. I cried and cried until my nose was numb from wiping and my eyes were rung dry. Feeling alone,rejected and unloved, I remembered that He said he would never leave me, nor forsake me - oh how I am so undeserving  Your mercy and grace. I had left to worship at his alter, when I promised You my heart. How great is Thy faithfulness...

I was drowning in fear infested waters and you said, if I trust You...if only I believe - You will bring me through. Fear held me by the ankles and pulled and tugged me under. It nipped at my heels and grazed my belly. Drowning, falling, fading into darkness- you pulled me out - Thank you God.

In the cold depths of my despair, Your Spirit comforted me. Held me close, stroked my hair, said it will be okay,to trust in the plans You have for me. Blinded by my tears, I closed my eyes and listened to Your voice. Oh how sweet the sound....Your Holy Spirit has walked with me and comforted me, reminding me of who I am.  

I am the daughter of the great I AM. 

Sorry Daddy, for neglecting our relationship - Thank for loving me through it all. You heard my prayer and answered my call - without you I am nothing. I was lost and drowning in the inky blackness of the night - You grabbed me around the waist, lifted me up towards the horizon and showed me the coming light. 

Thank God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit for all You have done.

Amen.

Dear asshole

There have been some terrible moments over the last couple of months,  that are so painful I can't even bear to say it out loud...

4.Listening to you, while you were having dream sex with someone else. 

3.Last valentines day, I had to work in a different city. I made such an     idiot out of myself dedicating songs to you over facebook, telling everyone who cared to listen how amazing you were. You called me, to say you loved me to. Realising now that when you put the phone down - you had online sex with someone else.

2.Finally embracing the fact that my husband will cheat, manipulate and lie with no remorse.

But you know what the worst was?

1.Lying alone in my hospital bed,tubes sticking of me- unable to move and softly weeping in the dark - wondering whether you were with your mistress. I had never felt so

ALONE 

and so  

 UNLOVED. 

I will never tell you this, because 

I have my pride.

The plastic surgery question

Am I pretty enough to keep my husband?

It stings a little (okay, a heck of a lot) that all the women he cheated on me with, was thinner and younger than me. I would say that they looked like me (body wise) when I first met my husband. Toned, athletic and body beautiful. Now 8 years and 1 child later, I am big. When I met hubby I weighed 65 kgs in 2004, but the time I got married 2008 I weighed 104. My heaviest was 117.5 kgs in 2009.

Oh, I would make weak attempts at exercising, depending on those around me - to motivate me. But when I reached nearly a 120kgs, I had enough. I know everyone says it, but I just didn't fully realise how big I was getting until I was HUGE. I then started exercising religiously. Nothing hectic, but I tried to walk at least 3 times a week and the weight started dropping off. I changed my eating habits and I saw even more of a difference. I was on my way! Feeling better about myself, then I had in ages - I thought surely my husband must be happier with me now (not that he ever said that I should lose weight). By the time I fell pregnant in October 2010, I was weighing 104kgs. I had so nearly touched my goal of weighing under 100kgs, that my more vainer moments contained resentment that I fell pregnant instead of reaching my goal. I started picking up weight in the pregnancy and every kg was a little death to me. How much bigger am I going to get? When I eventually gave birth to my son, I weighed in at 122kgs. Now 3 months after his birth, I have dropped back down to 106kgs.

I FEEL UGLY.

I resent my husband for not caring that I tried SO HARD to lose weight. I did it, so that he could be proud to be with me...to be aroused by me again. When I have my bad weight days (like today), I feel like going onto those websites where men are looking for bigger women. They find my shape beautiful - I don't need to feel like they have "settled" for me. They would love me. They would adore me.

Seriously... I am like a third of her size. I wonder if this guy is single now...

 My hubby and I have started a no secrets policy, so instead of letting this desire grow - I have confessed it to my husband. His always quick to say that the porn he watched also had big women in it. He doesn't get it...whats a fucking knife in the back was that the women he actually had physical contact with (not online or video) where all thinner than me. When he had the choice, he didn't go after a big girl...he didn't go after someone like me. And can I blame him? No. In my dreams, the guy was never pudgy. He was muscled and strong - why should his dream girl be any different? So no matter what he says, I don't believe he finds me attractive and now I am considering plastic surgery.

Yes, I want to be beautiful for him - but more importantly I am tired of settling for how I look. When I look in the mirror, I want to love what I see. I am tired of wearing control top panties with dresses. I don't want to wear t-shirts and tops that are long enough to reach mid thigh so that it can cover my hanging tummy. I want to feel irrestible and I think that getting a tummy tuck could speed along the process.

He gets all freaked out by it, any time I mention it. He thinks that I shouldn't mess with my body. But what the hell does he know. His not the one, who has met and seen the other women and have walked away feeling old, frumpy and discarded like yesterdays trash. He hasn't had to stand there and feel the burn of humiliation when its clear who the prettier girl is. I just want someone to love me...is that so hard?

Father forgive me, I have sinned...

Did I not see his addiction, because I was an addict too?

This is my confession....

When I was 11 years old, I found a Mills and Boon book in my grandmothers house. It was nothing as risque, as you get in todays books. Back  then the sighting of a heaving bosom was as scintillating as it got. I fell in love immediately. I read that book over and over again, until it literally fell apart.

The rush of feelings that swept my body felt incredible. By then I had noticed boys and I had, had a couple of crushes - but this "feeling" was on a whole new level. I was experiencing lust for the first time and it felt good. My mom caught me reading this book and threw the book away. I took it out of the trash, locked myself in the bathroom and read it again. I wish I could I tell you that this was the end, but it was just the beginning.

I started looking for more and when the local library ran out of books, I searched for bookshops that had the kind of books I was looking for. No longer was the sighting of a "globe" exciting, I needed more...a lot more. The more graphic the better. I was readying about 6 or 7 books a week. I was about 14/15 years old. I used my lunch and travel money to buy books. Choosing to walk home and go hungry, so I could get my fix. And when I didn't have money...I stole. I wanted the books...I NEEDED them. It felt great to "get away with it" and then I started stealing books, even though I had the money. The high from getting away with it and enjoying my treasure was so intoxicating. I did it as often as I could...but then my conscience would attack and I would stop stealing completely or I would buy some and take some, telling myself that I am repeat customer, so they are still making money...

Of course I masturbated, as the feelings coursing through my body was highly addictive and no man could match that feeling. So much so, that I wonder if I have forever reprogrammed by body, only to highly aroused by these books instead of with the man that I love. Today, I don't orgasm...ever. Sex is a great and wonderful experience, but its a different feeling to one I have when reading. My husband thinks I don't understand the feeling and compulsive needs around masturbation and watching porn, but I understand only to clearly. I have felt so disgusted with myself. The need to read and masturbate was compulsive...

It went on this way for years and then I stumbled across online sex. And WOW!! What a rush. Its incredible. I could write my own Mills and Boon scenes with a willing,anonymous partner. The dirtier, the better. By then I had met my husband and I loved him. I figured though, that since I am not actually doing anything physical, it wasn't being unfaithful. But then I started getting irritated with him, more than I should. I was beginning to lose that loving feeling. The more online sex I had, the less I "loved" my boyfriend. One day I sat at my desk ( I was having online sex at work, using work resources...oh man, just writing that made me so sad) and I realised, that I had to choose between my online lover and my boyfriend. I chose my boyfriend...it took a while for my system to calm down, but after about two weeks I started feeling like my old self again.I remember that there were days when I felt weak and I would go these online websites and just kinda cruise around...I realised that if I didn't stop cold turkey I would just go back, so every day I committed to not going back to these sites. 

It was getting to scary. I chose to leave my job and work someplace else. A week before my final day, my boss called me into the office and asked me if I let other people use my computer. My sixth sense told me to lie and I said yes, all the time. And then he said, "oh because we got a report that someone is accessing porn from your computer" - I of course acted appropriately disgusted...I remember feeling relieved and grateful that I was leaving this job in a couple of days...I never made that mistake again at the workplace, but seriously what the hell was wrong with me...

I continued reading as much Mills and Boon and other hardcore material I could get my hands on. I flirted with friends - I always thought, that it was no big deal, but given the right kind of environment what would have I done? I had a close call one day, when this guy which invited me to his place. I was tempted for like a second and then I thought to myself WTF and stopped it right there. Its only beens Gods grace, that unlike my husband I haven't actually gone out and made a play for some guy.

When my boyfriend proposed, we moved in together. Our sex life dewindled. He was watching tons of porn and would prefer to touch himself and I was reading Mills and Boon books and thick 'romantic" novels. I put down our lack of sex to just being a phase in the relationship at the time. I never saw the danger surrounding us.

That year my husband started picking up girls on trains and I had a weird expierience. One day, hubby gets up and goes to work. I remember lying in bed and it felt as if someone was straightening out and parting my legs. In half a daze, I thought I was sleeping - but I remember distinctly feeling "awake" but unable to move. I remember feeling like I was about to sex, but noone was there. The feeling called to me and tempted me to just relax and enjoy it. But my sixth sense kicked in and I realised, that something weird was happening and I started to struggle against the feeling and get out of bed. It was so hard! I got so scared. The more I struggled, the more it felt like something was working its way up my body. I started to pray and "it" released me. I stumbled out of bed, shaken and relieved - and yet I perversely missed that sexual feeling. During my darker periods of despair, when I wonder if my husband is telling the truth regarding whether his porn addiction. I remember this thing that happened and I remind myself that  clearly we have issues with lust and I do believe that what I was expieriencing was demonic. Lust pervaded our home and was pulling us further into the darkness and we never saw it coming...

For a while I didn't read Mills and Boons books, but inevitably I started a short while later. Intimacy was nowhere to be found in our marriage, we were having sex maybe once every couple of weeks. We loved each other, but we were not IN love. This is how we carried on for years. Then one day I found out I was pregnant and I asked God, to help us be the best parents we could be for our son. Soon after I discovered my husband having an affair and everything unravelled.

My husband made life altering decisions in the face of his porn addiction, I chose to stand with him. As a family we do not watch nor read porn. We are careful about the kinds of movies we see.We do not masturbate. We have chosen to only share sexual contact with each other and our sex life has never been better.

Some days its hard for me. The impulse to masturbate is strong, but I have taught myself to focus on something else. And when this doesn't work, I simply have to fight through the feeling. Lately I have had "flashbacks" of my favourite Mills and Boon scenes. It just pops up in my mind at unexpected times. I haven't read a book in months...7 months to be exact. As soon as it pops up, I start thinking of something else. But that feeling to enjoy it...noone will know, is so tantalising. 

And this is how I realised that my husband does not stand alone in the porn addict stakes. Yes, I didn't go as far as he did, but I have dishonoured him and God nonetheless.

So as a family, with God firmly leading us forth. We are forging a new path, for a better healthier kind of life. I have realised, that without God my family and I will fall apart. I am sorry, that wondered away from Him so far, but today right here, right now I confess with heart that I have sinned and I am so sorry.

God has heard my cry and He has saved me....

Money and Infidelity

My husband was my world. I wanted him to be happy, so I bought him the things he wanted even though I could barely afford it. In my world, that's what you do when you love someone - you show them how special they are, by giving them the desires of their heart. So I bought him the huge ass TV and Blue-ray player that I am still paying off today. If I had known about his need to fuck anything that walks, I could have saved myself some money and just bought him a prostitute - maybe we could even worked out a financial plan - like for every 12 sessions you buy, get one free or something...

Wow, I get a free STD as well...super ;-)

But you know what pisses me off the most? Its the fact that I took out the loan to get married to this jerk...and yes, I am still paying it off. I think about how he must have laughed at me, behind my back when I signed the paperwork. You see, I thought that when he proposed and took out a (much smaller) loan for us to get our own place - I mistakenly took it as a sign of commitment to me. What it really was a sign of, was his committment to watching as much porn and having as much online sex as he could handle. Apparently, being in his mothers house just didn't give him the kind of environment he needed...

It messes me up to think, that I was so gaga over him. I was thrilled because we had gotten our first new place - I saw sunshine and rainbows, while he was looking at tits and ass. I feel taken in...like he made a fool out of me. I was the butt of his lame joke  and I contributed financially for it.


Never again will I put myself financially on the line for him. Don't ask me, what I'm going to get him for christmas.Going from gifts worth thousands of rands, to what? A Musica voucher worth R150?

Besides all that, is that fact that I gave him full access to my accounts. I trusted him with me card and salary. He no longer enjoys that privilege. The kind of man who will cheat on his 7 month pregnant wife, is the kind of man that would steal from her. I remember a conversation I had with  my mom, she was dismayed that I trusted him so freely with my hard earned money - I thought she was crazy. After all, we were in love and he would never take advantage of me - what an idiot I was.

My husband was so offended, when I told him that I no longer want him anywhere near my money. "I have never taken any of it" he said...so he even treats my money with more respect than what he treated my body. I am so tired of being on the bottom of his list, so you know what...fuck his list, because

Now, he will need to pay. If there are loans that need to be taken out - he can do it. Facing divorce, I took a look at my precarious financial position and never never never again and will I do this to myself!

If you can't trust someone with your heart and body - you can't trust them with your finances!

Love is a four letter word

He lies...

I desperately want to believe him, but how can I - when I know he lies. He has looked me straight in the eyes and lied. He has kissed me and lied. Held me and lied. He...lies.

I always thought I was the creative one in the family, but man I don't hold a candle to him. His dedication to the role of faithful husband and loyal lover was outstanding...I never would have guessed he was anything other but that. And why should I have? I believed the lie.

I miss my friend...

Othello and me...

Everytime I think I am doing better - my heart falters and I despair of where I have found myself.

My husband recently did a very good thing. He tracked down the chick he cheated on me with after we got married (the first one) and told her off in no uncertain terms. Now, I totally believe that what happended was completely his fault. He could have said "no", but he didn't...as a matter fact he wanted to screw this chick, but she turned him down. You would think that because "it" didn't happen, it would hurt less - but it still does. Anyways, so he tracks her down and craps on her from a dizzy height. He told her, he was disgusted with them both, that they were both pathetic- he did it in front of me and I felt..vindicated. I was happy, elated and felt like I got the last laugh. It felt good...

So tell me, why do I feel so sad today? Maybe its because, I should never have had to hear my husband tell another woman how he regrets playing tonsil hockey. My mind wonders through everything he has done, and I bite my tongue lest I ask him useless questions, because infidelity is infidelity no matter how many times he did it, who he did it with and where. His unfaithful heart has cast me in the role of Othello and jealousy,hurt and paranoi has set fire to my dreams. I am convinced, he hasn't told me everything - but what is the point of asking, as surely it would be just more of the same. Whats one or two more women to the many he has betrayed me with...

O thou weed,

Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweet

That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne’er been born.

                                                                                                                 Othello. ACT IV Scene 2.