Either shit or get off the pot...

Forever burned in my memory, is the morning before the beginning of the end. It was cold and rainy outside, my husband and I cuddled under warm blankets. I remember how his arm rested across my pregnant belly...how he kissed me softly. I remember feeling content and that if I could just stay this way forever, I would be happy. It was a moment of pure crystalised happiness - 24 hours later he would call my cellphone and I would dismiss him, because I was to busy to talk to him, 25 hours later he would befriend a work colleague on facebook and a week later, I would be crying and he would be begging to stay - 2 months later he would be living with his dad...a year later, my son is in my arms, my husband is back in our bed and I am forever changed.

This weekend almost felt like it used to be. Rainy and miserable outside, we cuddled under blankets -  with our 9 month old son in between. My husband kissed me softly over our sons head and I thought about the stranger who came on to me, the women my husband betrayed me with...I thought about the man my husband used be and wondered if he could be that man again.

For the last year, I have qualified every and any statement about our future with "if we don't get divorced". Unwilling to committ to anything,beyond the next second or minute. I refused to committ to a future and more recently started using "divorce" as a blackmail weapon. If I was feeling particularly hurt or angry, I would bring up an amazing idea of what our future could hold i.e. more children or travel- I would lay it before him, painting a glorious picture of what our future could be like and then I would slide in the throw comment - "if we don't get divorced, that is"... I silently derived satisfaction from the swift look of sadness in his eyes. I would know that I really hit the mark, when he started cleaning the house (my husband has been trying to prove his worth, by doing everything in our home).

Bitter and mad at my husband, I stood in the pew of our church and tried to connect. There a particular sentence in one of the hymns that caught my eye - "He forgave, so that we can forgive"... I had thought I had forgiven, but had I really, when my jibes came out of a place of revenge instead of authentic sadness and anger? I felt convicted that I have deliberately stoked the flame of his shame for my own enjoyment. There is so much that I should be ashamed of and God has forgiven me - there is much that I wish I could take back, but I can't and in God I have found peace. Who am I, not to withold forgiveness? God has been so good to me...

All at once, I felt sooo tired. Tired of being hurt and tired of hurting. I have held onto my unforgiveness and used it as a shield to protect my broken heart...and to wound his. Standing there, I just knew that it was time...time to either committ or leave. Within my heart I knew what my choice was.

Certainty that accompanied my doubts about him, now accompanied the realisation that I would stay. Yes, I allowed him back home - but I had never allowed him back in my heart. So, I will stay and stop using him as a whipping post for my grief, because I enjoy watching him squirm. I will stop emotionally bullying him and instead I would try to be less defensive and less vicious. I will start calling him "love" again and perhaps I would permit myself to run my fingers through his hair, every now and then.

I told him, that instead of being a step away from getting divorced - we are now perhaps two or three steps away. He looked relieved... We have teetered on the brink for so long, that even having our feet planted on solid ground no matter how close to the edge is a big deal.

So heres' to trying again...

"The glory of this latter house shall be greater than of the former, saith the LORD of hosts: and in this place will I give peace."

Haggai 2 vs9

Seduction

This week, at work we have been hosting an overseas team of MBA students. I have been the liaison between the teams, so I have spent hours with them...him.

There is this guy, which has taken an obvious liking to me and it feels great to be looked at with appreciation. He made sure that I knew that he would be staying until saturday before heading back home. Coupled with the intense look in his eyes, I am sure his hoping that I got the message. Well message recieved and understood.

The group has invited me to dinner tonight - I declined. As he shook my hand goodbye, he asked me to reconsider...twice. Its not that I am particularly attracted to him even, its just that he wants me.

His interested and it feels good to know that someone at least likes me - thinks I am worthy of their attention. The thought of soaking up his attention is alluring. It whispers, that I deserve it - why not...my husband will never find out.

Beyond the scintillating thought of having someone being interested me, it makes me a little sad to. This is how easy it is to cheat. When my husband was faced with the same situation, he never hesitated- not once did he think of me. I so badly want to tell him - See, guys flirt with me, you don't see me acting like a whore. See other men want me...look at my amazing self-control.

(sigh)

The man who cried faithful

I had it out with him. I told him bluntly, that I thought he was cheating. I told him, that I am scared of who is in his class...and then I waited.

He was silent for a moment and walked away. He came back 2 minutes later and proceeded to protest his innocence. He told me to take his phone and check it - I laughed in his face. He told me, teary eyed that he wasn't cheating and he that didn't want to leave. He said, he had been trying so hard and that he hasn't done anything. I'm not cheating he kept on saying and I kept thinking - you lying sack of shit.

He made to try and prove his innocence and willingness to be transparent. He offered to not study (I vitoed that - if I am going to get child support - I need to him to earn good money). He offered to take a photo of everyone is his class (I agreed), He offered to swop phones with me whenever he went to class, so that if someone was texting him, I would see ( I laughed again - I mean what kind of idiot does my husband take me for exactly?). I reminded him that the only way I am going to believe that he hasn't been cheating, is if his next lie detector test works out. He said that sometimes it feels as though I hate him...I said sometimes I do.

I told him (again) that the problem is that he had lied so well before. He had become a master at covering his tracks. If I hadn't have found that one thread, today I would know nothing of my husbands unfaithfulness. His in a hell of own making and like the boy who cried wolf and to find his village no longer cared, I find that I am no longer willing to be believe my husband when he says his faithful. Taken a cue from another blog I love eat my scabs I asked my husband a couple of questions. I asked him over email, because his more comfortable emailing me than talking face to face about serious things (hows that for an unwanted consequence of online media). I simply asked - "What do you wish you had known looking back?" I didn't hear what I thought he would say, this is his response:

"Firstly, I think that if I had known that my pornography viewing had escalated into an addiction, then perhaps I would have been able to talk to someone about it and gotten the help I needed. I think that if I had done that, I would not have been tempted into looking for more exciting sexual sources such as online chatting.

I also think that if I was closer to God and and accepted Jesus into my heart sooner, I would have been able to reject the temptations that we put into my life. I should have tried harder, instead of hating the fact that I had to go to church.

Lastly, I wish that I was better at my role of husband. I wish that I had put more effort into our relationship instead of just letting it go into "auto-pilot". Perhaps if I had done that, I would have been able to be more honest about my sins, instead of being scared of your reaction and the consequences".

I guess I was hoping to hear more about him acknowledging the pain he caused me - but I told him that I didn't want an apology, I wanted the truth and there it is... (sigh).

I am losing my shit

It was around this time last year that my world was caving in around me and I am currently losing my shit. I am convinced his cheating on me again.

Yesterday, I saw what looked like a long sms on his phone, but I was to far away to see it properly. I checked his phone later and couldn't find it. His coming on to me, when he knows we can't have sex and his distant when its possible (yep, can you believe he did this all this all the time - I took me a while to see the pattern, but I eventually saw it). Yesterday, we went to church - I don't think he sang, but then again I wasn't watching him all the time...

This time last year, I found out about a work colleague and how smitten he apparently was with her. He says he wasn't - but damn you could almost see his words written online dripping with honey, but no, if I ask him to talk to me and he has nothing to say...anways

Am I going crazy? Is this a serious bout of post traumatic stress or what? Is he doing the deed or not. I am suspicious of even his toilet breaks, checking to see where his phone is and I spot it, I wonder if he has two.I can't believe this crap. I never thought this where I would be.

His starting a new course today. 3 nights a week at a college close to Greenpoint ( our red light district, where prostitutes line the side walk). What if he does it again? What if there is some beautiful young thing in his class? What if...

I googled his name for the millionth time and found the same chatrooms I found a year ago. This time, I thought I saw him connect with a guy. My heart jumped into my throat - please don't tell I need to watch out for close male friends too...this time it wasnt a guy, but something tells me that hubby dearest, given the right circumstances, its a possibility.

He emailed me this morning and asked how I am doing after I saw he had a profile on linked in and all the bitterness and poison spewed out. I sent him this:

"We both know that you deleted any incriminating stuff a long time ago, so there are no surprises. I don't know why I even asked - forced habit guess.I need to accept that you are a first rate liar and know how to cover your tracks, so I shouldn't try to control anything or see everything you do, because its pointless. Its hard to embrace that - but I need to. If we stay married, than thats just how it is. The choices you make are really your own. So you want to keep the profile go ahead. You want to delete stuff off your webmail account go ahead. You want to have multiple accounts go ahead...

I won't bother to ask you, to at least have the decency to let me know when try to fuck other people again so I can get on with my life, because we both know thats not going to happen. You like having me around to play happy families to much, while you get a piece of action on the side. You have been such a monumental tool.

I know I sound angry and thats because I am. I am angry, bitter and heartbroken. Its not because of the profile itself - its just a reminder of how fake our marriage is and how fake you have been when you have tried to use every available opportunity to you to screw anything that would open its legs for you and then asking me to blow you afterwards...and me like a retard thought that wow you must be the most amazing husband in the universe and that I was stupid for thinking that something was wrong.

Im going to go for walk...".

He hasn't responded yet. His probably angry, because he thinks his doing all he can and why can't I just get over it. Well, screw that shit. This is how I feel today...


We are creeping ever closer to the abyss and a part of me thinks it will be a relief to finally fall.

Is it better for someone to cheat for love or lust?

My husband would emphasise that none of them meant anything. It was a sex thing. Purely physical and nothing more...

At first it was a comfort as I felt the death knell, surely would ring if he had said that he had loved any of them. But now I am not so sure.

I look into my sons face, beaming at his dad and I wonder how he could have put this on line, for sex with a stranger. How could he have put my love on the line for one night stands...and I search and search for an answer that would satisfy me. One that I could totally embrace and understand and I thought that only one that I would be "okay" with was that if he told me that he loved her...them. I understand love. I have never believed that there is this one true soul mate for everyone. I think that there are a couple of people on this earth that could make you very happy and would be wonderful partners. If you're lucky, you meet one of them and you promise life long committment. I have always understood that somewhere along the line, you will might meet another person that could have made a great partner as well - it would be sad, but you make the right choice and you stick with the one you committed to. Sometimes I find myself thinking...please tell me you loved her. Tell me that you put us on the line for someone who was amazing, wonderful and you had a deep abiding connection with. Please don't tell me, that you put me at risk for some tramp who thought it was cool to do a married guy.

But then I think, if it was love. Shouldn't he have loved me more? I think its possible to care for two people at the same time, but I don't think its possible to care about them the same. Surely, I should have come out on top. So no...love wouldn't do.

So what is it? Yes he hits all the markers for a porn addict, but for some reason I struggle to really embrace it even though it true. For me, I think the simple truth is,is that my husband is broken. His my favourite dress, that got torn at the back by some nail. His the project I have been working on for months only for my boss to make a couple of "suggestions". His my parents first vicious arugment in front of us.... He is broken...and thats something I can understand.

His broken and I can't fix him. His broken and he didn't know. His broken and has cut me on his jagged edges. His broken and I can't bear it...

#8 things I can't say out loud

My husband is a whore :-(

#7 things I can't say out loud

I feel ugly around you

Do you think she was prettier than me...was she a better kisser than me? Where her lips soft and welcoming...and never complaining...

I can not bear my own reflection because of you...

I wish I wasn't me...I wish you weren't you