Your flirting makes me sick

My husband is flirting with me and it makes me mad...

Let me explain. My porn addict of a husband is the quite unassuming type. The video gamer, who gets excited about blu ray movies and graphic novels. The ultimate geek. I thought I knew him. I thought he wasn't interested in other women, either being to shy, to committed or not interested enough to pursue the other sex.

I was wrong.

The thread that eventually led to the unravelling of our marriage and the discovery of his porn addiction was when I read his conversation thread on Facebook with another woman. At first it seemed innocent enough, but then the conversation went on for hours and took on a decidedly flirty tone. At one point, she exclaims that she doesn't understand why so many men want to talk to her online while she is talking to my husband and he responds by saying that he is willing to stand in line- my low key, unassuming snake of a husband. He goes onto  to say how much he digs her attitude and how much he enjoys their exchanges - I had never seen him before like this. I have never seen him so much as glance at another woman. I have to admit, I knew that his job was undemanding, but I thought he filled in his time playing online games and watching movies (his an IT administrator). I had never seen my husband in action before and OH MY WORD I can only imagine what his other conversations were like, if this was just the beginning.

I have had to change the way I see him. He is a flirt, a charmer - a womanising jerk. He is everything I hoped to avoid. His the proverbial player and I can't stand it. How did I find myself in this position? And now he flirts with me and all it does is remind me that this is how he is with any woman.Slick and sweet. I'm not special, I just happen to be around. He doesn't want to get divorced, but neither does he want to be faithful. He wants it all and by getting it, he has tainted our love. Now his turning on the charm...getting slightly naughty in his insinuations and I just want to gag. I wish I could tell him to stop, but then I think that if he didn't flirt with me, I would be upset because in mind, clearly his tons of sexual energy is being spent somewhere. And maybe if I just push through - one day, he will flirt with me and I will just enjoy it, instead of thinking of every woman he talked this way with.

But for now, I am repulsed. I am not one his women. I am not a slut looking for a quick lay. I need safety in a relationship in order to feel comfortable sexually. I am sleeping with the enemy, which is hard enough - please don't ask me to flirt you in email. I want to scream. I want throw something at him - I want to move out and move on with my life. Isn't there some corny phrase, about setting something free and if it comes back then its meant to be? That's how I feel...I want to set us free. I feel bad because it means that he might miss out on our sons development and plus being a single mom is really tough and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But if I could know for sure, that my son and I would be okay financially. That my husband and son would still have a great bond and my son wouldn't feel like he doesn't have a proper dad, I would leave today.

....

The other man...

Every now and then, I find myself wondering into dangerous territory. You see, I have started noticing this other guy...

I found myself  looking (okay staring) at him and wondering how different my life would have been if I had married him instead. We're so alike, we have so much in common and his pretty good looking to boot. In a different world, I can really see myself having relationship with this guy and I imagine it would have been wonderful. I feel so guilty about how I am feeling. I know that in life, we will all meet people that could have been our spouses - but I wish I could just turn it off for a little bit. I feel like its messing with my intent to be as objective as possible, when it comes to waiting to see where my marriage will go. When I think of him and new possibilities, I am filled with...longing for something less complicated that what I have now. I want something trauma free, where I can just be myself again. A new man presents that opportunity. I bet he wouldn't expose me to STD's...he wouldn't give himself away to as many women as possible, while I wait for him at home. I bet I could trust him...

So now I am playing cat and mouse with myself. When I catch myself thinking of him, I deliberately change my track of thought. This morning, I thought that maybe if I journal about it, it would make it easier. I don't want to think about other men and yet its soooo hard when I consider what my life would be like without my traitorous husband by my side. I just want to start over. I want to divorce and see what happens. Would we still want to be with each other? Would my then ex-husband return to form and having tons of sex with numerous women? And if what if he did? Surely, it would be good, because whatever we do when we're apart would be testimony to whats really in our hearts. If we got divorced, I wouldn't be going around offering myself to strange men. I want to know who he would be, without the constraints of marriage - because thats my husband in his true form and I need to know who that man is...

I know they say the reason why the grass is greener on the other side, is because there is more shit - but seriously, the other side of fence is looking pretty good to me. It couldn't possibly be any worse than the crap I am wading in now. Maybe, just maybe, the grass is looking greener on the side, because IT IS GREENER.

To make matters, I am starting to have flashbacks of my favourite "scenes" from M&B books. Its my sex showreel of hot and heavy stuff. I try to change track when it comes up, but its getting harder and harder. Last night was a little tough. I allowed it float in my conscience to long and then I struggled to get rid of it. It called to me to relax, close my eyes and get swept away. My husband and I haven't had sex in maybe a week - maybe thats the problem. I have found that when my hubby and I don't regularly have sex, the temptation gets a lot stronger.

Lord, protect my eyes and thoughts. The temptation is strong and I don't know what to do...

The causalities of war

The beat that drums within my breast,inspires me- lifts me - opens me to a world of feeling and thought.

I literally have a soundtrack to my life. At any given life event, I could tell you what I was listening and dancing to. Music has entwined itself to my state of conscience, so much that we are one. In moments of great joy and sadness music comes to the fore - it flashes through me as means of expression as what I am really feeling. 

There has been some surprise discoveries this past year - the biggest being when I went to my husbands place of work, to take a good look at his mistress, the soundtrack was " A little less conversation" by Elvis Presley. I couldn't believe, but that is my "I am about to kick your ass" track. I discovered Adele (who at first I HATED because she liked it and I thought she was sending my husband messages through songs) - but the lyrics caught my heart and I decided it wasn't Adele's fault that even ho's like her music.

And just like I have had music hero's that have comforted me, I have some of my most beloved soldiers die out in the field. I can't bear listening to Jill Scott anymore. I have always associated my husband with "He loves me" - its a beautifully written and heartfelt song about how I felt about my husband and now...now its just absurd. To listen to it now, feels as if I left my raw heart open to flayed. I can't bear it. I deleted all her music. I just can't see myself ever listening to her again. It reminds me to much of how much I loved him, while he was loving some one else...

Another is Michael Buble - Michael was the romantic soundtrack of our lives. My husband took me to his concert once and " L.O.V.E" was our wedding song.  Since then I have found out that, the concert was shortly after his first affair with a co-worker (he denies he bought the tickets because he felt guilty...I don't believe him) - looking back at our wedding song, thinking that for that whole year he was sleeping around and picking women up, just makes a joke of it. I can't separate him tearing up at our wedding to this track, while knowing that he betrayed me over and over again.  Now its Christmas time and I see promotions for Michaels new Christmas CD and my stomach rolls. I hope he doesn't try and buy me the CD to make me happy, because I'm gonna have to tell him - that I don't ever want to listen his music ever again.

I loved them both, but they gotta go. The killing fields of marriage is littered with my love, hopes and dreams. I don't know if I will miss them, but c'est le vie - the soundtrack to my life will go on.

The knowing...

I made it...its xmas and I didn't kill my husband in his sleep or chop off his happy bits and play go fetch with it. Has it really  been 9 months...feels like it was yesterday. 

In my mind xmas has become the finishing line. If I can just reach it, it would be like this mess of a year is finally over and maybe I can move on to the next phase. So I am planning my holiday meals and decorations, dreaming of the family table - hoping that when the day comes I will exhale and all the tragedy will simply be something that happened in 2011. 

Looking back, its hard to be grateful when I have hurt so much and yet its an undeniable fact that I am in a much better position to take care of myself and my child then I was ever before. I know now the shadowy darkness that lurks and awaits us...the boogeyman masquerading as a friend...I know now...

The knowing has weighed heavily on me, but I believe that God will see me through. The other day my husband informs me that the local TV station will be introducing three new porn channels. It would have been easily accessible to my husband and I realised just how much more horrific things would have become and believe me when I say - that that's saying something. Did God know it was coming? He must have... He drew the line in the sand and said, "NO FURTHER". Our walls are up and our guns are loaded - my husband said that when he heard the news, some of that old curiosity crept back...now we're standing on the wall tops and pouring down flaming tar - if we hadn't known- Like thieves, porn would have slipped through the night, snuck into our beds and killed us in our sleep. But we know now...and we're ready.

I will clothe myself in the armour of God. I will wait and listen for His voice - I WILL FIGHT

To hot to last

My husband took me out on a really great date night. A movie and an awesome restaurant afterwards. It cost him a bomb and it should have been really great night.We watched Breaking Dawn and of course I cried.... I was fine until the wedding scene (BTW whats up with Jacob taking off his shirt in the first 10 seconds of the movie?). As I watched them get married and seeing Edward so absolutely besotted with Bella, I kept thinking - it must be nice, to be loved like that... 


I didn't plan on crying, it just kinda happened. I felt so pathetic. Tears sliding down my cheeks, while my husband held my hand in the dark theatre, teenage girls screaming every time Jacob came on. I felt so alone :-(


This seems to be a continuous struggle for me. I need to understand what does realistic love look like, because it kills me that my husband doesn't seem to love me with the intensity I want. Or does that intensity only belong to dysfunctional crazy relationships? I want to be swept away and held tight. I want to know that my husband would go crazy if he didn't have me - I want that forever, you are my soul mate, no one else will do, kinda love. But is that realistic? I didn't think so before, but maybe its because I made excuses for him...


I want to know without a doubt that my husband wants only me and yet I know that its human nature to always be wondering about others. I want him to love me with such intensity that he only wants to be around me, but I believe the official term for that is stalker. I  grew up reading Mills and Boon books and that's what I wanted - to be swept up and away, but now it seems significant that there was never a behind the scenes look at marriage. After he kissed her breathless, did he take out his cellphone and play games? After a passionate night, did he check his online dating profile in case anyone responded to his post. Is the kind of love I want, to hot to last? I always loved the way men, looked at women on their covers. Such focus and passion. In that kiss only she exists for him...

Mills and Boon taught me that love looks a certain way and now that I have grown up, I feel cheated. I thought my marriage would be one continuous M&B story. I thought I was getting Edward Cullin, instead I got the cheating philandering asshole on the Wedding Singer.


Am I being foolish for wanting Ralph Fiennes from the English Patient? I would even be happy with Ewan Mcgregor from Moulin Rouge. I just want to be truly wonderfully wanted by husband again Mills and Boon style, is that to much to ask for?

My Redeemer lives

After writing the  post demons and divorce, the fact that I said I was a terrible Christian began weighing on me heavily. I am not a terrible Christian, just the average guilty one. Guilty of not praying enough when I should, for even questioning my faith, even if it is for a split second. But my Redeemer lives and He knows my heart. His grace and mercy abounds and I am covered by His blood. It never ceases to amaze me, that even when my faith seems to waiver, His faith in me has never changed.

Thank you God for loving me.

Demons and Divorce

I am a terrible Christian. My basic tendency is toward a tangible and scientific approach to life. Like many Christians out there, I have merged what  I have deemed common sense and my faith. For example, I believe in evolution - I also believe that God designed us and the world that way...but every now and then a little voice in my head whispers in my ear "Are you sure, God is real" - "What if Jesus wasn't the son of God, instead just a kid that had to be explained away by an unmarried woman". I feel intense guilt and resolve not to waver in my faith again...but it still happens every now and then. When I can't chase away these thoughts, I become my own witness. I testify to myself about Gods mercy and what He has done for me and believe me, He has done plenty. How can I question, when I have experienced his presence, seen Him move mountains on my behalf and literally have seen Him carry me through the valley death... and its happening again. Lately I haven't been praying as much as I should and in the oddest moments the voice calls to me..."Are you sure...?"


Well yes
                                                                          I AM SURE


let me tell you about what God has done for my marriage. He has led me every step of the way. Its because of Him that I have discovered what my husband is and in turn myself. I can't begin to tell you the divine intervention that took place. God planted questions and "feelings" that I went with, that I didn't understand - but once I obeyed them, my once "private" husband opened up like you wouldn't believe.  After the God inspired "lie detector" test idea, my husband told me things he never would have said - the result of which was me chucking my husband out of the house. At that moment, if someone had put divorce papers in front of me, I would have signed them.


Anyways, so after he left and I had time to think, I called a meeting to see what he wanted to do with our marriage. It was a heavy conversation spiritually. God opened up my eyes and I saw...things. My husbands countenance had changed...his eyes were shifty and he couldn't look me in the eyes. I am not talking nervousness, this was darker. At first I didn't recognise it for what it was, but slowly as our argument got heated it showed its face more and more. It was this spiritual awareness, that kept me from telling  him go to hell, I want  a divorce. My husband refused to fight for our marriage beyond the token protest in the beginning. His lack of passion to save us, didn't ring true for some reason ( I know its crazy, since his been cheating on me, but something was "off".) The conversation circled a couple of times, until we came to an impasse. He wasn't making enough of an effort to fight for me and then out of nowhere I asked him, "What do you want to do, once we get divorced?" And then he spoke to me about how he was "curious" about other women. I asked him whether this was porn curiosity or you want to be in another relationship curiosity. He looked at me in surprise and said, its a porn curiosity. He didn't realise it before...but its just about sex,not about us. And that moment was the birth of us trying again. I recognised that my husband had no idea what was going on his own heart and mind.  Porn had him wrapped up so tight, he couldn't see beyond the nudy pictures. I remember the moment I shifted to warrior mode instead of hurt wife. Its happened a couple of times over the last couple of months. Its like the pain shuts off and suddenly I am operating on a strength and clarity for greater than my own. Once he told me that his curiosity was porn related, I shape shifted. I was going to fight my husband for my husband.


The shifty eyed bastard was more prominent now, as the truth was slowly emerging. My husband began to sway ever so slightly and began looking like a trapped animal. I tapped into what God has always told me -"I will be with you always"  I refused to be intimidated and I went for the kill.  I looked my husband and knew, that he would need to come and get me. To active "show me" his choice. God had brought us to this place, where his confusion was laid bare and insight was brought to the table. We had gone as far as we could, now it was my husbands turn. I sat in silence and waited...he looked me and said. "Its not from God is it? This curiosity..." I said "No" and waited some more. I watched as my husband waged an internal battle and started to cry. My heart went out to him, but I sat glued to my seat. The devil was playing games, trying out different approaches to get a reaction out of me. He has tried the nonchalance passive approach, designed to hurt me and anger me into a divorce, he tried the insincere crying apology to stop any more questions because I would feel so sorry for him. He tried out irritation, to make me impatient - but God kept me stable and I saw through it all. It was like all these arrows were continually being fired at my heart, but Gods armour kept me so safe, I didn't feel a thing. After about 2.5 hours - I watched as I saw the first sincere tear roll from his eyes. In the silence my husband has fought his demon and reached for me and ultimately God. He pleaded with me to stay, he said he would become the man the I needed him to be...and I believed him for the first time, since our meeting began. After he did that, his countenance changed again. Eyes red with crying, he no longer looked shifty...he was calm and I felt he was spiritually present with me.


This conversation, more than any other shifted the direction of our marriage. I literally saw his demons weigh on him and I watched him fight it. If he had been a coward or loved me less, I would be divorced today. Instead, God put a fire in my belly and I fought hard. God took him by the hand, and showed him what was truly going on in his heart. We met each other at the half way line. I take no responsibility for this intervention. I was simply a conduit for His word.


I know God was there, I felt Him and saw His wisdom in every action.  Praise be to God for all He has done.