I keep waiting to not be sad anymore, but little things remind me of his unfaithfulness and inside I die again. I try to hold back the tears, until they prick with pain. Sometimes the warmth of the trail they leave is the only clue left behind that I have been crying.
How is it that sadness has filled me to the brim and now carelessly spills onto my cheeks? I was happy once. Really, truely, genuinely happy. And now, I AM SAD. I am done.
Et tu Brute
Friday 17 February 2012
Thursday 9 February 2012
One in a million
Apprehensive at the thought about our first post discovery valentines day, I caught myself thinking about our very first valentines day.
His family had gone out of the city to visit family and he told me that wouldn't be here, but he loved me. I was little sad, but looking forward to the phonecall...those phonecalls was the axis that my world turned around...anyways, he calls and tells me that he loves and suddenly the door bell rang and there he was - a shoprite teddy bear, fake rose and mug in hand. One those cheap gift sets that sold for more than it was worth and I loved it. There was no valentines day in the recent years - I remember the last one, when I scattered little heart notes all around the flat, each with a reason on why I loved him. He barely looked at them. And then we just didn't celebrate it anymore.
He swore he loved me...cried heartbreakingly when I asked him to leave. Where was this love, when he kissed another woman...when he carressed someone else. I asked him never to tell me that he loved me again - will he try on valentines day? I will try not to think about the fact that last year valentines day, he spent the day on dating websites while I planted all over facebook that I loved him. I will try not to remember how hard it was for him to plan something for me, when he barely spared a thought at putting in leave to be his girlfriend...I will try to remember the time he sang a "One in a Million" for me...how we sat outside fancy restaurants eating schwarma on a bench, because neither of knew what that booking was important back then. We didn't care though, because we were just excited to be next to each. I will try to remember, the first time he told me loved me and the softness in eyes when he said it. I will try....
His family had gone out of the city to visit family and he told me that wouldn't be here, but he loved me. I was little sad, but looking forward to the phonecall...those phonecalls was the axis that my world turned around...anyways, he calls and tells me that he loves and suddenly the door bell rang and there he was - a shoprite teddy bear, fake rose and mug in hand. One those cheap gift sets that sold for more than it was worth and I loved it. There was no valentines day in the recent years - I remember the last one, when I scattered little heart notes all around the flat, each with a reason on why I loved him. He barely looked at them. And then we just didn't celebrate it anymore.
He swore he loved me...cried heartbreakingly when I asked him to leave. Where was this love, when he kissed another woman...when he carressed someone else. I asked him never to tell me that he loved me again - will he try on valentines day? I will try not to think about the fact that last year valentines day, he spent the day on dating websites while I planted all over facebook that I loved him. I will try not to remember how hard it was for him to plan something for me, when he barely spared a thought at putting in leave to be his girlfriend...I will try to remember the time he sang a "One in a Million" for me...how we sat outside fancy restaurants eating schwarma on a bench, because neither of knew what that booking was important back then. We didn't care though, because we were just excited to be next to each. I will try to remember, the first time he told me loved me and the softness in eyes when he said it. I will try....
Monday 6 February 2012
#3 things I can't say out loud
I binge eat. I binge eat all the time. I weigh myself continously and freak out if my weight gain is even a fraction. I can't tell him, because he would start comparing me to his thinner ex's I am sure. Why can't I just stick to what I need to eat?? Nothing tastes as good as being skinny!
Thursday 2 February 2012
Am I whore enough for you now?
I am seething with doubt. I look at my husband and all I want to do is divorce him and maybe go back to dating him. I know its weird, that I would date but not marry - but thats how I feel. I feel like I want the chance to choose.HE chose to marry me under false pretenses. HE lied to me about his faithfulness and committment. HE chose that while I work my ass off for our family, HE would try and sleep with anyone that would have him. HE chose this life...I didn't.
I was taken in by false advertising. I bought the product, but the gaurentee of a lifetime faded before I ever got it out of the box and I would like to return to sender. I feel disempowered and victimized - I placed my hopes and dreams in someone who didn't deserve it and now...now I am meant to forgive and move on. If it wasn't for my son, I would. Having him here complicates my decisions - I would walk away in a heart beat, but what about my sons heart?
So I have decided not to breathe a word about whether hubby is being faithful. Its hard, and surprisingly my focus has shifted to food and a part of me hopes to be anorexic so that he could suffer more guilt. I fantisise about yelling at him " Isn't this what you wanted? For me to look like one of your whores?" I want him to pay for breaking my heart. I want to wound him. Even if its an inch of how I feel, it would be enough pain to last a lifetime. I want him to doubt himself. To turn away from the mirror whenever he catches his reflection. I want him to feel like I do - disgusted with himself, ashamed of how he looks and heartbroken at the thought that maybe his not good enough.
His emails are littered with "honeys" and "mwahs". The closer we get to the picture of how it was before, the more uncomfortable I get. I have seen this scene and it decieved me...fool me once....
I long to put out the light and then put out the light...
My son is my only happiness
Why me?
Weight at start: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 105.9
Lost: 4.7 kgs
I was taken in by false advertising. I bought the product, but the gaurentee of a lifetime faded before I ever got it out of the box and I would like to return to sender. I feel disempowered and victimized - I placed my hopes and dreams in someone who didn't deserve it and now...now I am meant to forgive and move on. If it wasn't for my son, I would. Having him here complicates my decisions - I would walk away in a heart beat, but what about my sons heart?
So I have decided not to breathe a word about whether hubby is being faithful. Its hard, and surprisingly my focus has shifted to food and a part of me hopes to be anorexic so that he could suffer more guilt. I fantisise about yelling at him " Isn't this what you wanted? For me to look like one of your whores?" I want him to pay for breaking my heart. I want to wound him. Even if its an inch of how I feel, it would be enough pain to last a lifetime. I want him to doubt himself. To turn away from the mirror whenever he catches his reflection. I want him to feel like I do - disgusted with himself, ashamed of how he looks and heartbroken at the thought that maybe his not good enough.
His emails are littered with "honeys" and "mwahs". The closer we get to the picture of how it was before, the more uncomfortable I get. I have seen this scene and it decieved me...fool me once....
I long to put out the light and then put out the light...
My son is my only happiness
Why me?
Weight at start: 110.6kgs
Current weight: 105.9
Lost: 4.7 kgs
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