Sooooo things are relatively going well - every now and then I spazz out in my head, but I have been managing to centre myself with the question as whether this is a feeling or whether I am right to look sideways at my husband...
Yesterday, he shared with me that he was having coffee break with guys in his team when a woman walked past...apparently a really hot one, with butterfly cut outs in her stockings...one of the guys couldn't stop staring and my husband teased him about it.
Now I am firstly relieved that he felt he could share that with me...that he had the balls to say that he saw an attractive woman. I don;t ask that my husband pretend his blind, I just ask that he stops trying to put his d*ck in every attractive woman he finds - so thats cool, but then a little voice whispers that maybe he was the one that was being teased and he just had to somehow tell me about it?? Ag, I don't know - right now a big account has landed on my desk and as I dreamed last night that if I found out that my husband was going back to jerk off days, there would be no drama this time. I would simply ask him to leave and get back to work!! Maybe I am the workaholic he calls me...
Anyways, so lets assume that its true - the guy that was staring has been married for less than a month - things don't look so hot in that future, but it got me thinking...
Why do things turn to shit after we get married? Like do our husbands feel that they have somehow reached the finish line and have conquered all they can, they need new challenges? Is it the stress of needing to pay the bills, dealing with someone else's irritating habits - that damn near extinguishes all romantic love?
There is something about getting married that seems to ruin a relationship...
I don't know how I feel about living with your partner before you get married. I lived with my hubby for a year before getting married - all turned out to be a lie...but at the same time, surely if you are committed enough to live together, you should be committed enough to get married?
What will I tell my child one day, when they ask my opinion? Do I advise them to truly know someone before you marry them or do I say - that there is no way to prepare for what life has in store so just dive in...
So ja man - life is strange...
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Tuesday 20 November 2012
Hyperviligance for sexual abuse
I can't talk to my husband about it...he wouldn't understand...
I think I have a problem. I am drowning in fear of sexual abuse of my son.
It didn't start now...for as long as I can remember I have always been...aware. Too aware. I am constantly looking out into fields to see if anyone is being raped or beaten...its not a choice that I make, its a compulsive need to search out the landscape. Whether I am in a car, train or taxi, it doesn't matter - I search dark alleyways, dark spots under bridges- anywhere where the dark and remoteness exists - I look... and I am relieved when I see nothing, but the drive to wander around with a gun to save the victims is strong...maybe I should have become a cop.
I suspect everyone. EV.RY.ONE. I watch men...I watch if they linger a little to long with a child...I watch their hands in case it creeps to inappropriate places...I see men walking with what could very well be their own child or grandchild and my first reaction is whether they have kidnapped them and are going to rape them. I longingly watch them walk away, as I battle the need to follow them and wrestle the child away.
I sometimes have dreams of opening up my own childrens home and I would look after them and love them...and protect them.
This was all before I had a child and now its worse. If my son it to tired, I think someone is abusing him. My son went through a phase where he clenched his legs together at nappy changes and I nearly went ballistic. I do body inspections and every mark, redness and scrape is taken seriously...perhaps to seriously. I scour websites that tell me that the things I see are normal and the pressure building inside of me subsides...until the next time...
I have began to wonder over the last couple of years, whether its because of my sensitive nature that I am this way...or is it because I was abused when I was younger. If it happened, I have no recollection of it...not that it helps. I realised about 10 years ago - that when I perceive something as life threatening, I remember the before and after, but nothing in between and when I look back over my life, there are pockets, that I simply don't recall... I had wondered whether I should go and see a therapist, to see if there is anything to unearth - but I have decided that I don't want to remember if that's the case... there are people out there who spend their whole lives trying to forget and I am lucky to not remember as a self protective measure but the flip side is that I am left with the bitter residue of a memory I don't have..
But maybe...just maybe the is really nothing to it and I just have a shockingly bad memory and I am just very neurotic by nature...I do worry a lot. I worry constantly about most things. I not only have a plan A and B, but also Cs and Ds.
I don't want to become a crazy mom, who keeps her children close to her at all times and home schools them for safety reasons. I don't know what to do with myself? Where is the line between neurotic compulsion and just being a good mom?
I think I have a problem. I am drowning in fear of sexual abuse of my son.
It didn't start now...for as long as I can remember I have always been...aware. Too aware. I am constantly looking out into fields to see if anyone is being raped or beaten...its not a choice that I make, its a compulsive need to search out the landscape. Whether I am in a car, train or taxi, it doesn't matter - I search dark alleyways, dark spots under bridges- anywhere where the dark and remoteness exists - I look... and I am relieved when I see nothing, but the drive to wander around with a gun to save the victims is strong...maybe I should have become a cop.
I suspect everyone. EV.RY.ONE. I watch men...I watch if they linger a little to long with a child...I watch their hands in case it creeps to inappropriate places...I see men walking with what could very well be their own child or grandchild and my first reaction is whether they have kidnapped them and are going to rape them. I longingly watch them walk away, as I battle the need to follow them and wrestle the child away.
I sometimes have dreams of opening up my own childrens home and I would look after them and love them...and protect them.
This was all before I had a child and now its worse. If my son it to tired, I think someone is abusing him. My son went through a phase where he clenched his legs together at nappy changes and I nearly went ballistic. I do body inspections and every mark, redness and scrape is taken seriously...perhaps to seriously. I scour websites that tell me that the things I see are normal and the pressure building inside of me subsides...until the next time...
I have began to wonder over the last couple of years, whether its because of my sensitive nature that I am this way...or is it because I was abused when I was younger. If it happened, I have no recollection of it...not that it helps. I realised about 10 years ago - that when I perceive something as life threatening, I remember the before and after, but nothing in between and when I look back over my life, there are pockets, that I simply don't recall... I had wondered whether I should go and see a therapist, to see if there is anything to unearth - but I have decided that I don't want to remember if that's the case... there are people out there who spend their whole lives trying to forget and I am lucky to not remember as a self protective measure but the flip side is that I am left with the bitter residue of a memory I don't have..
But maybe...just maybe the is really nothing to it and I just have a shockingly bad memory and I am just very neurotic by nature...I do worry a lot. I worry constantly about most things. I not only have a plan A and B, but also Cs and Ds.
I don't want to become a crazy mom, who keeps her children close to her at all times and home schools them for safety reasons. I don't know what to do with myself? Where is the line between neurotic compulsion and just being a good mom?
Thursday 15 November 2012
Cheatin don't discriminate
As I look at the women I have had the privilege of connecting with and those besieged by media for the partners infidelity - I have finally embraced that it really can happen to anyone.
Smart Women - funny women - big women - slim women - naturally gorgeous women...women who depend on that amazing foundation and mascara we covet...it doesn't matter. Infidelity can happen to anyone...
And its not our fault.
Those louses who we have have been tasked with raising up to be men of balance and conscience - it really is because they are broken and not us.
Life is tough - but as women we are tougher. We can make the hard choices - make the sacrifices required to ensure a better home for our children, whether its with the men or not.
To all my sisters and those who love us - MASSIVE HUGS :-)
Smart Women - funny women - big women - slim women - naturally gorgeous women...women who depend on that amazing foundation and mascara we covet...it doesn't matter. Infidelity can happen to anyone...
And its not our fault.
Those louses who we have have been tasked with raising up to be men of balance and conscience - it really is because they are broken and not us.
Life is tough - but as women we are tougher. We can make the hard choices - make the sacrifices required to ensure a better home for our children, whether its with the men or not.
To all my sisters and those who love us - MASSIVE HUGS :-)
Tuesday 6 November 2012
Those damn Thai hookers
So, my husband and I have decided that we are going on a proper oversees holiday. At first I was really excited about going to Spain, but the euro would kill us - so I slowly broached the idea of South East Asia.
Now for many us - we know what goes on there. In my first trip there with my folks, I saw some interesting things - including the obvious foreigner with his Thai companion.These men tower over genetically small men and women...blatant in there differentness. The women look smug while there fingers curl tightly over the sex tourists t-shirt...there is no shame to be seen anywhere. These women would love my husband and I am sure he would love them to...at least once upon a time he would have.
I wonder if its wise to go...
I don't want to hide though - I want to go and he will need to learn to face his demons in the onslaught of willing women. I can hear it now...Maaasssage sir - easy easy - right this way- YUCK YUCK. I wonder if they will even care that I will standing right beside him.What I know for sure, is that there won't be a minute where we won't be with each other, so they can go fly a kite - but the offer of easy sex - will it trigger something for him?
Another issue is my weight- these women age amazingly and they must be at least quarter my size. I felt my size keenly the last time I was there. I was slightly lighter then, at 104kgs, but still man, as even I stood head and shoulders over most people I felt like a fumbling female giant. They stared at me with amazement - how does someone get that big, I could almost hear them wonder. This one woman campaigned quite heavily to massage my mom - most likely because they had never seen so much flesh and fat on one person before. I felt like a freak show, constantly aware that I did not compare favourably with the local fare...
So even more reason to lose the love handles - to check out my journey - feel free to check the next tab called called the http://xena-killingcupid.blogspot.com/p/fatty-boom-boom-diaries.html
So yep - we're looking at awesome places to visit - for with him we need tech at bargain prices and sport and I adore cultural and historical sites...this could be something good for us...I hope it turns out that way...
Now for many us - we know what goes on there. In my first trip there with my folks, I saw some interesting things - including the obvious foreigner with his Thai companion.These men tower over genetically small men and women...blatant in there differentness. The women look smug while there fingers curl tightly over the sex tourists t-shirt...there is no shame to be seen anywhere. These women would love my husband and I am sure he would love them to...at least once upon a time he would have.
I wonder if its wise to go...
I don't want to hide though - I want to go and he will need to learn to face his demons in the onslaught of willing women. I can hear it now...Maaasssage sir - easy easy - right this way- YUCK YUCK. I wonder if they will even care that I will standing right beside him.What I know for sure, is that there won't be a minute where we won't be with each other, so they can go fly a kite - but the offer of easy sex - will it trigger something for him?
Another issue is my weight- these women age amazingly and they must be at least quarter my size. I felt my size keenly the last time I was there. I was slightly lighter then, at 104kgs, but still man, as even I stood head and shoulders over most people I felt like a fumbling female giant. They stared at me with amazement - how does someone get that big, I could almost hear them wonder. This one woman campaigned quite heavily to massage my mom - most likely because they had never seen so much flesh and fat on one person before. I felt like a freak show, constantly aware that I did not compare favourably with the local fare...
So even more reason to lose the love handles - to check out my journey - feel free to check the next tab called called the http://xena-killingcupid.blogspot.com/p/fatty-boom-boom-diaries.html
So yep - we're looking at awesome places to visit - for with him we need tech at bargain prices and sport and I adore cultural and historical sites...this could be something good for us...I hope it turns out that way...
Top TV supports adultery - epic asshole move
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
The struggling pay-TV operator, currently in business rescue, wanted to launch a porn bouquet a year ago. Massive public uproar followed which massively damaged the pay-TV platform's brand and image after it originally said at launch that it will be a "family friendly" business.
TopTV failed to make it's case since the operator failed to show at its own public hearing for the bouquet application, and the Independent Communications Authority of South Africa (Icasa) denied TopTV's application.
Now the "family friendly" pay-TV operator is showing "adultery advertisements" in which a woman and man undress, climb into bed, kiss and then tells viewers: "This couple is married. But not to each other."
The ad on TopTV then says: "Life is short. Have an affair".
The company who wants to help married people have affairs, says in a press statement the 40 second "adultery advertisements" was first shown since mid-October on TopTV after other South African broadcasters have simply refused to show it.
"TopTV is the only broadcaster that sold advertising space" for their controversial TV commercial says the company in a statement.
The company says in the statement "we are thrilled with the air time we have on TopTV."
I've asked TopTV if the pay-TV operator has any comment, response or statement regarding why TopTV decided to broadcast the TV commercials, and will bring that response the moment there is any, if there is any.
BREAKING. TopTV starts to broadcast TV commercials for married people to have affairs because 'life is short'.
TopTV has started broadcasting TV commercials in which married people are encouraged to have affairs because "life is short".
The struggling pay-TV operator, currently in business rescue, wanted to launch a porn bouquet a year ago. Massive public uproar followed which massively damaged the pay-TV platform's brand and image after it originally said at launch that it will be a "family friendly" business.
TopTV failed to make it's case since the operator failed to show at its own public hearing for the bouquet application, and the Independent Communications Authority of South Africa (Icasa) denied TopTV's application.
Now the "family friendly" pay-TV operator is showing "adultery advertisements" in which a woman and man undress, climb into bed, kiss and then tells viewers: "This couple is married. But not to each other."
The ad on TopTV then says: "Life is short. Have an affair".
The company who wants to help married people have affairs, says in a press statement the 40 second "adultery advertisements" was first shown since mid-October on TopTV after other South African broadcasters have simply refused to show it.
"TopTV is the only broadcaster that sold advertising space" for their controversial TV commercial says the company in a statement.
The company says in the statement "we are thrilled with the air time we have on TopTV."
I've asked TopTV if the pay-TV operator has any comment, response or statement regarding why TopTV decided to broadcast the TV commercials, and will bring that response the moment there is any, if there is any.
Thursday 1 November 2012
Vicious Tango
I have noticed that when things are good...he distances himself. I get the best of him when we're fighting - he listens attentively to all I say, he looks at me lets me know that he wants to be connected, but when I respond he backs off.
Today is a good day. We are thinking about going on holiday next year and we're chatting about where. I called him from work because I wanted to hear his voice...I called and about 3 minutes into the conversation I feel the slight lag in response time...like his not quite focused on me. I remembered feeling this way before, only now I know I was probably messing up his chat time to other women online... so I ask him out right - what are you looking at and he responds that his just going through the logs (queries)...half focused on me, half focused on someone...thing...else again. I ended the conversation right and then by saying we'll chat later. I wonder if he even noticed the abrupt end or if he was relieved...
Sometimes I get the impression that if I want the best of him, I need to give less of me and that really sucks big time.
I want to adore someone, to spoil them and generally love them from dusk till dawn. This is who I am - I long to be sold out for one man and to spend my days showing him how much he means to me...
I don't want to be half ignored...I read my buddys' blog today http://mockturtlemusings.com/ and she is right- detaching with love is the best thing to do - but I just don't know if I want to do that. I want to love with all my being and it goes against the grain to hold back - maybe because its the first step to permanent detachment that it bothers me...but what bothers me more is being ignored.
Love me or leave me...just don't ignore to me.
Today is a good day. We are thinking about going on holiday next year and we're chatting about where. I called him from work because I wanted to hear his voice...I called and about 3 minutes into the conversation I feel the slight lag in response time...like his not quite focused on me. I remembered feeling this way before, only now I know I was probably messing up his chat time to other women online... so I ask him out right - what are you looking at and he responds that his just going through the logs (queries)...half focused on me, half focused on someone...thing...else again. I ended the conversation right and then by saying we'll chat later. I wonder if he even noticed the abrupt end or if he was relieved...
Sometimes I get the impression that if I want the best of him, I need to give less of me and that really sucks big time.
I want to adore someone, to spoil them and generally love them from dusk till dawn. This is who I am - I long to be sold out for one man and to spend my days showing him how much he means to me...
I don't want to be half ignored...I read my buddys' blog today http://mockturtlemusings.com/ and she is right- detaching with love is the best thing to do - but I just don't know if I want to do that. I want to love with all my being and it goes against the grain to hold back - maybe because its the first step to permanent detachment that it bothers me...but what bothers me more is being ignored.
Love me or leave me...just don't ignore to me.
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