Men by Maya Angelou

Men

When I was young, I used to
Watch behind the curtains
As men walked up and down the street. Wino men, old men.
Young men sharp as mustard.
See them. Men are always
Going somewhere.
They knew I was there. Fifteen
Years old and starving for them.
Under my window, they would pauses,
Their shoulders high like the
Breasts of a young girl,
Jacket tails slapping over
Those behinds,
Men.

One day they hold you in the
Palms of their hands, gentle, as if you
Were the last raw egg in the world. Then
They tighten up. Just a little. The
First squeeze is nice. A quick hug.
Soft into your defenselessness. A little
More. The hurt begins. Wrench out a
Smile that slides around the fear. When the
Air disappears,
Your mind pops, exploding fiercely, briefly,
Like the head of a kitchen match. Shattered.
It is your juice
That runs down their legs. Staining their shoes.
When the earth rights itself again,
And taste tries to return to the tongue,
Your body has slammed shut. Forever.
No keys exist.

Then the window draws full upon
Your mind. There, just beyond
The sway of curtains, men walk.
Knowing something.
Going someplace.
But this time, I will simply
Stand and watch.

Maybe.

Maya Angelou

Just my imagination

I grieve for my romantic illusions. My dreams of happily ever after seems childish in the light of day, as I forge ahead with the weight of experience bowing my shoulders.

I came across the cartoon of Calvin and Hobbes and in a way, I feel like this is what happened. One day, me and romance and devoted love spoke and laughed together, then reality intruded and what before seemed real enough to taste and touch, softly dimmed until I realised that the love I thought I had,  was just my imagination.

#7 truth about infidelity

You will never be the same again. You can only hope to become a stronger and wiser version of you...but the truth is that light will never shine as brightly from your eyes as it did before when you looked at him and your smile will be measured in an unconscious effort to not give all of yourself again.

Its in his kiss

Kisses...I am teaching my husband how I liked to be kissed. I figure since he apparently is the village bicyle why not get something out of it. He wants to act like a tramp, why not treat him like one?

So previously when we first started going out and every now and then I  brought up the way we kiss. I enjoy french kissing. My husband hates it. He says it makes him feel shy...this from a guy who groped a strange woman on a train (they apparently had met each other online and decided to meet on the train...he says thats all that happened...I don't believe him, anyways...). So he has always felt uncomfortable frenching and to me it has been a major loss in the "wanting to feel desired" department. So it always been lip to lip, slightly open mouthed maybe sometimes...it really sucked.

So I have decided that thats enough of that shit. From now on, he needs to please me - so I set about teaching him how I liked to be kissed. Its not a dominatrix kind of thing, but I am easing him into it - instructing him as we go along and I am enjoying it immensely.

So we're in bed and things are going well and afterwards I ask him how the kissing is feeling for him. He told me that he feels shy again...I laughed at him and told him how is it possible for him to feel shy after all he has done. He pretended to sleep after that...I don't know why I said it, maybe to hurt him...maybe to support my feeling that what he wants doesn't matter anymore. His been so selfish in bed that I am sick of not feeling desired, because he feels "shy".  I bet he wasn't feeling shy when he paid that prostitue to suck his d*ck or when he fingered his work colleague in their company's boardroom.  So thats enough of that...if I am going to stay in this marriage, the least he can do is learn how to kiss me properly.

unexpected consequences

Look I had to blog about this, because its become so damn embarressing. I have been increasingly stressed out about my husbands shinanigans and I have always carried stress in my body. I don't sleep well, I am constantly emotionally eating, I get the runs and I am prone to crying jags.

So over the last while I have realised that I have also started to get hectic chest pains and whatnot, every time I think about my husband...and last night I realised that I am also been quite...flatulent LOL Yesterday OMW, I just bent over to put my son in his car seat and damn it, I am glad I was in a loud parking lot because it sounded like I was heralding the second coming.

And then I realised that I have actually been fluffing virtually uncontrollaby for at least the past three weeks. I thought maybe it was food? But no...I think its my tummy getting all upset and then bam...

The other day I barely escaped my office before one slipped out...you know those high pitched ones that sqeek past the cheeks. Its getting bad! Luckly for the most part, there doesn't seem to be a hectic smell - but how soon will my luck last?

Yesterday I was in a meeting with a client and what would have happended if I just turned to quickly???

So there you have it...my husbands cheating has given me gas. It doesn't help when I am trying to look all hot for him and these little bubbles of fumes creep out LOL Man, I can't believe it myself...

Paranoi my good friend...

Through the years there has been this consistent messaging from various sectors that we shouldn't allow our feelings to rule over our minds, that we need to push past them and not let it control us.

And I get it - sometimes your feelings can lead you astray. They are transient and often are formed by expieriences that have no bearing in the present... for me this applied directly to my own mini porn addiction. I read so many bodice rippers that I believe it numbed my ability to have a normal sexual relationship with my husband because I expected to have the constant intense feelings that litter that kind of literature...and when those feelings aren't there, you think you're not in love. So yeah, feelings sometimes are not your friend - but what about the role of feelings and intuition when it comes to infidelity and more specifically feelings post discovery.

Should our feelings be considered paranoi or intuition? Are our feelings based on our own version of a post traumatic stress disorder and therefore unreliable at worst or red flags at best?

Yesterday I realised that for me it doesn't matter. I know my husband is untrustworthy and I would be foolish to even consider him as a source of real information, so all I have is me...me and my feelings. My feelings helped me to understand that something was wrong that led me to his discovery. My feelings told me that he was a lying peice of a shit, when on the surface he gave a performance of a lifetime. I believed that God used my feelings to save me - its all I had when I had no evidence to go on. However there is a difference now, previously I believe that God directed to me the key questions that eventually led for all his deceit to surface. I never had a sense that I was alone...but now I do. My feelings aren't accompanied by a soothing and calming next step. I feel alone with my feelings and makes me wonder if I am in fact going crazy.  But even then...isn't that enough to leave?

How can I stay, if I can't even trust myself enough to know when his up to no good? I can't bear being tossed around by my feelings. I would leave just for calmness sake...

My husband seems to think that my staying is hanging on his ability to be honest and for a while I thought so to - but I have since discovered that far more critical than this is not whether I can trust my husband again, its whether I can trust myself.

truth#6 about infidelity

The joy of stolen moments will cost you a lifetime of regret. Passionate words will turn into bitter memories as you ask yourself the question...was it worth it?

Waiting for Love to Die

I told him this weekend that I am really struggling. I told him its like suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I have these episodes of obsessiveness...I search and search for anything that will tell me his cheating again. He has no idea what his done to me and I am tired of feeling crazy and sad. He tells me that internet guy isn't him...well I think it is. I am open to the possibility that its not, but then my feelings are simply just pointing to a bigger problem... that I don't trust him anymore.

Every day is an opportunity for him to be screwing some chick from work or whoring with some prostitute he found on the street..and its killing me literally. My heart is aching and a heart attack seems immenint. While dying of a broken heart sounds woefully romantic, I have realised that I am not going out this way. So what am I waiting for? I look at my son and I think that this wasn't the life I wanted for him.To come from a broken home with a dad he sees every now and then. I feel like I have let him down.I look at my husband and I am filled with love for him...I wasn't the one who strayed - I was steadfast and true, because I loved him...and now it feels like I am waiting for my love to die.

I wish upon a wish, that my heart was stronger than your arrow

I have been thinking of our joint savings and the money we put aside to go on holiday next year. I'm thinking that we can split it 50/50. I will buy some old second hand car, so I can get my son from place to place...I'm thinking that even if I can't afford the bond, we can sell our home and I buy a flat for us. First prize though would be for me to keep the house. I have made a note to make an appointment to get my drivers liscence and to get our house appraised.

4 things happened this weekend, that has made really think about what it is that I want.

1. My uncle died. He was married to a bitch. She would insult him and put him down in front of everyone. Last week he told my sister, that when it comes to marriage you have to take the bitter with the sweet. He died in church yesterday. He was old, so I'm not feeling to cut up about it, but it did get me thinking...whats the point of it all, if the bitter outweighs the sweet? Life is different now, you don't need to spend 60 years with someone who treats you like shit and then comfort yourself with "you must take the bitter with the sweet". I wonder if he would do it all again, if he knew that this was how it was all going to end...

2. There is mould on our bedroom ceiling. In the early days post DDay my husband painted our ceiling because it looked terrible with all the mould. So he painted it white and it looked good. Lately the mould has come through the white and it now it looks yucky again.In many ways its like my marriage...it was ugly and instead of fixing the problem, my husband merely covered the ugliness with behaviour he thought I wanted to see.But nothing underneath had changed and now the ugliness is shining through...

3. He cried this weekend and told me that he loves me and that there is nothing more he can do to prove it. He sounded desperate. He buried his face against my neck and sobbed...and I remembered last year how he would cry as he wove lie upon lie...story upon story...and how I would believe him until something didn't quite make sense and the mess would unravell around me. He lies and lies with his pretty eyes and trembling lips...

4. Funnily enough it was something small. I have become present to that fact that he doesn't visit me at work during the week. He works 5 minutes away and he never comes by for a cup of coffee. We had a massive fight about it about 3 months ago...looking back I feel pathetic. Even though his cheated on me for 4 years, I told him that I would really like it if he came for lunch every now and then. He told me that he couldn't for a number of reasons...all of which didn't hold much water. For my birthday he dropped by for a pity lunch and since then I haven't seen him.  I was training a week agao and he emailed me during my training day and asked if I wanted to go for lunch. He knew I couldn't...but even then giving him the benefit of the doubt, he never tried again. 5 minutes away...and my husband won't even come and see me for a cup of coffee without me begging him to.

I feel like I have given the year I promised to give, to see if I could manage. It turns out I can't. So today I found a counsellor as my last ditch attempt before asking for a divorce. The idea is talk through whats happening with me. To equip me with tools to either improve the disaster that is my marriage or to help me explore divorce.

All I know for sure right now is that I long for happiness. I feel sad in my marriage and my doubt in my husband is driving me crazy. Life as it currently is, is not working for me. I am not looking for a quick solution. I searching for hope and a promise of a better life.

It irks me a little, that if we get divorced he won't have any problems finding a partner and I will probably struggle...but I am finally experiencing the truth that I would rather be happy and alone then be miserable with someone else.

I am in serious trouble

I am struggling guys. My brilliant plan to dupe via using a fake profile on Badoo, didn't work out. Deception is so foreign to me, that I am no match for him. I can only last a couple of days with any of my cunning plans to bring him to book and then I blurt it all out.

This morning, in our little black golf. I looked at him as I opened up with " I know what you've been doing". . I told him about the website and that I saw a profile that I thought was his. He swallowed ...hard...out of fear? Nervousness? I watched his side profile for any hint of a lie - he came out swinging. "I don't know what you think you saw, but I am not any social networking sites...I've stayed away...I'm not doing anything" he said I should keep speaking to the guy and I will find out for myself that its not him...the problem with that, is that internet guy has dissapeared after I slipped up in one of my responses to him. The rythym of my speech and the way I flirted was exactly what I would say and do with my husband...since then, nothing. Gone...

My chest is hurting.Its beginning to happen more regularly now. Its a sharp pain that feels like its under my breast plate. Sometimes its on the right side, but more often than not, its on my left. Sometimes my left arm feels weird. Its not sore...its just...different. I think its the constant stress of wondering whether my husband is fucking some whore...maybe its from the idea, that maybe that would be okay as long as his good to our son and me. Thats how other women do it right and they manage...maybe I could be that kind of woman too.

Its just that...I wanted the hero.I always told my husband that the reason why I thought we were a great couple was because I knew he would be able to carry on without me...only to find that thats not what I want after all. I want love beyond all reason...I want the loyalty to the point of him wanting to be my second shadow. I want a man who would miss me, if I were to leave even for a week. My husband is not this man.

Maybe I am having a bad week - but more often than not, I am wondering whether a trial seperation would be great. I have asked him to move into our second bedroom before...but this is different. It would be feel out what living without him would be like. To have one day of peace, where I don't have to look at his face and wondering how can someone so beautiful, be so ugly inside.I would want to know if I would be in fact a lot happier without him.The only thing stopping me, is that I don't like a back and forth thing going on. For me, I enjoy making decisions and sticking to them. If he leaves...I am not sure whether I would take him back, even if I wanted to, out of fear that I would only ask him to leave once again sometime further down the line.

Guys ANY advice? How did you manage to stay sane after all our partners have done?

Internet guy...GAG

Last week I trained. 5 days a week, all day. I loved it - I love supporting people to stretch into their potential. We are so capable of so much! The last time I trained, I was a wreck. I was pregnant and was training a counselling course...it was weird - standing neck deep in my own crises while training on counselling methodolgy was surreal.

One day last week, I have one of my obessive compulsive moments and scanned the internet for any chatrooms he could be in. I found one I think...there is something off about the pic and the personal information. It doesn't match and yet...something tells me this could be my husband...well him or any of the thousands of married men out there looking for a quicky. It could be my paranoi and that would be awesome - but his to self-centered to realise that now that I know the score, never again will I be so easily blinded to the truth.  So I set up a profile, saying all the right things with the right kind of picture. I messaged him and he messaged back, with a very casual hello. Last night we were supposed to "meet" to chat, but he didn't come.  Does he know its me? Am I perhaps to perfect? Last night for the first time in months, he spoke about his wedding band. During "Fuckyou" gate of 2011, I told him I don't want him wearing it anymore, because it doesn't mean anything and then when I chucked him out, I gave it to him saying that I don't want it and he should take it with him. So last night out of nowhere, he tells me this story about someone at his work questioning whether his really married because he doesn't wear a ring and then he asked my permission to wear it again...it all seems really suspicious. After chatting to my fake persona, he now wants to show the world how committed he is... thats exactlyhow he used to be.

My husband loved having people admire him and think his the best husband/son in law/son in the world, while he carried on his shady dealings on the side. Am I seeing a re-establishment of a pattern?

There is no way I am getting hot and heavy over the net. Its a line I won't cross, so I need him to reveal his hand before then. But how? Last night I kept checking my phone, hoping that internet guy would message me, while my husband sat beside me, but nothing. Today I will try again and wait for him online...I will be young, stupid and needing someone to make a woman out of me GAG.

I feel a little sorry for my husband. If internet guy doesn't respond, then I will think its my husband and he has somehow caught onto me- the only way out is for internet guy to send me his real pic or agree to meet me somewhere, so I can see for myself that its not my husband.

I am constantly searching for evidence that his cheating. Will I ever be satisfied?