11.03.2013
I have gone off the rails a little bit and to my surprise I lost a 1kg. So 6 kgs lost since mid Jan. Not bad...
Yesterday I spoke to my mom...she is losing the ability to walk. Thats how fat she has become. She can stroll for a couple of minutes, but thats it. Her legs cant bear her weight anymore.
I was shocked to hear that she blames my dad. She feels that he should have "held her nose to the grindstone" when she wanted to give up. She thinks he should have forced her...but like the food addict I am, I recognise the bullshit for what it is and I am appalled. Noone can force people like us to lose weight. If you tried, the moment you turned your back that mouth watering fatty pie would be shoved half way down my mouth. The change has to come from within.
I knew I had a problem when I was under so much stress and it was all I could do - to stop myself from eating something fatty and sugar laden. I forced myself to buy fruit and a juice to appease the senses that just wouldn't quite. I know I have a problem, but how do I tell my mom that she's got a problem to - if she blames her weight on someone else?
What are you supposed to do when your mom is an addict...just like you...
11.02.13
So christmas and seasonal binge eating has come and gone. I picked up some weight and decided that I need to do better. So I weighed myself and today I weigh 110.6. Not bad...but if I wanted to get ready for Summer 2013, I need to start now. I am always that fat woman in the middel of summer that remarks to herself that she should have started losing weight before winter. And this year, I am determined not be that woman.
So the biggest change in my life is the fact that I use YOUTUBE extensively - one great thing about having a husband techie that our house is wired to the max. So I now do workouts with the awesome workouts on youtube. I simply find ones that go at my pace and I can jiggle around to my hearts content for 20 minutes a day. Thats pretty cool :-)
I have also come across THINSPIRATION!!! OH MY WORD. I watch at least 1 clip every day and the pictures of beautiful women encourage me to be good that day.
What I don't understand though is the fast rate at which I can pick up and drop my weight. Within a week I can drop 2kgs and pick it up again. Whats that all about?? Anyways...so not so bad. Hopefully before my trip to Asia I will be looking at 10kgs lighter YAY!!
07.11.12
I have come back from my lunchtime work feeling proud of myself or going out despite the wind - I then sat with my pre packed lunch of cucumber, grapefruit, 1 vienna - I feel healthy and then this bastard sitting next to me in the office brings in a fresh warm pie.
I am sitting here and the smells of buttery pastry fills my nose and I feel the saliva begin to form as I swallow. Mmmmm it smells like like a mince pie...maybe steak and kidney. Good heavens - this is not good. Suddenly I am thinking of hot chips deep fried with plenty salt and vinegar....wow is this food porn or what?? LOL
Today I have weighed in 112.2 - thats pretty cool. I hope I can keep it up
06.11.12
Yesterday was Guy Fawkes and the fireworks were magnificent. Beautiful and breath taking, I thought that one day when I pass on, I would like fireworks at my funeral - to remind people that we here for a short period of time - it is our duty to shine as brightly as we can and one day when the good Lord calls us home, we will be ready - having done all we needed to do.
I often hear people talk about my kind of weight gain as some sort of self hate or self abuse and I have always vehemently disagreed. But if its true? In my dreams , I see my best life and in it, I don't look like I do now - so whats stopping me? My inability to put the slice of bread down - to cut down the slabs of chocolate I would routinely eat.
I spoke to my dad the other around my concerns for my moms weight. And he sounded so bitter. He spoke about how over the years he has been spent thousands upon thousands on my mom. Anything she wanted, she got...during one her last attempts, he said that seemed to be doing well, but one day he found out that she was cheating. She eating chip rolls and other fatty things at work, while eating salads at home. He said he was heart broken and in that moment, I realised I speaking to someone who felt betrayed by food addict.
I used to feel very upset when my dad would even look askance at my mothers plate, but now I see it ddifferently. Mom is an addict and she couldn't let go and my dad was hurt by that. I wonder if I have taken over her issues with food because even now when I know that the quality of my life would improve tend fold by being healthier, I struggle to say NO...why is it so hard to change?
I wont ever see my hip bones again - but it would be cool to be that mom who rocks an awesome pair of jeans, can go hiking and do the twist when required.
Today, I went for a walk during lunch break wearing my ugly running shoes, which I have been avoiding - but I couldn't bear it a moment longer in my cute takkies, not meant for anything remotely active. I feel good but sweaty (how do people manage to do this during lunchtimes??). I have decided to stop weighing myself like a maniac and weigh on Fridays. Lets see what the end of the week brings ;-)
02.11.12 - Wishing I was Pro Ana
I am losing little bit of water. Today I weighed myself and I clocked in at 113.8 - not bad. I wonder how much water I am retaining?
The weekend is coming and I am worried- I hope I don't eat stupid things. I have been googling for thinspiration and wow, what I would give to be that thin. The smooth concave tummy, thighs small enough to hold a proper lunch box in between...I am envious. A part of me wishes that I had anorexia instead of bulimia. For years I struggled with my weight - binge and purge...for a while there chocolate flavoured laxatives had me in its grip. I have problems with food and I don't know what to do about it....
My grandma would laugh at me and remind me that my entire family is big - I mean we worked on farms and shit, so we are literally built to be like pack mules.
I threatened my husband after D Day that if he wanted a skinny bitch then I will give him and starve myself to death - I look back and I can't believe how serious I was - I can barely stop thinking about warm yummy bread (FFFFUUUUCK) - how am I ever going to starve myself to death?
But yeah here I go again - so today I am inspired by these:
Just for today, I choose to make the best eating choices I can. I will not worry about tomorrow and become overwhelmed with the possibility of failure. Just for today, 5 minutes at a time - I will try to make the right choices for me...
31 October 2012
I like to play a game called .."is that how I look?" - I struggle to connect with how I really look with how I feel. My eyes glance over women as they pass me by in their summer dresses and I wonder, do I look like that? Some have shaky bellies that aren't quite hidden by the skimming fabric of their dresses and I wonder...do I look like that? Sometimes, the hair is done perfectly - the make-up looks good - but still, its not really the same is it? You need to look perfectly groomed, just to look normal - I longingly look at the suntanned legs of lean young women, with barely there boobs and my mounds of post breast feeding boobs tighten with jealousy...
I don't know if I will ever be able to come to terms with the fact that I will never be slender. I am big girl with athletic shoulders, broad back and round face...this year I straightened my hair, because the ririotous curls I have, just makes me look like an apple with crazy curls - aint good for those super hoity toity meetings...
I am walking a bit more and I have started compulsively weighing myself every morning - I know its not healthy, but for now I need it. I stare as the figures escalate...when will it stop?This morning it stopped at 114.4kgs...1kg heavier than last week?
I wonder if my IBS has an impact on this? (sigh)
Today is 27 degrees and I should go for a stroll during lunch time...maybe that will get things moving...
25 October 2012
Wobble wobble goes my thighs, I don't have a spare tyre - fuck I am spare tyre . The 2nd chin with a hair growing out of it, the batwings that shake whenever I lift my arms. I stare resentfully at the scale - that truth telling bitch.
I am 30 years old - it was a good ten years ago that I last saw my flat tummy and taunt arms. Admittedly I was a hip hop dancer and danced for 1.5 hours a day way back then - but all that means is that I know what it takes to get the results I want - I need to work hard, eat smart and most importantly - committ.
This week I started walking during my lunch breaks, because I seem to struggle motivating myself when I get home. So the takkies are at work and I try for 20 minute walk, that at least brings a light sheen to the forward. Which isn't to difficult, since I sweat at the drop of a hat.
I am going back to eating the heart foundation meal plan. It doesn't have to be 7 days a week - but if 70% I am eating okay and the other 30% give myself permission to be little naughty - I think I could maintain that.
I am going to attempt to log how I am doing exercise wise and eating and maybe linking it to how I feel - whatever I need is what will appear in this journal I think - so I am ready to evolve...
This morning
I ate a Macdonalds breakfast
Having lunch with husband - wondering what semi healthy meal I can get...
Weight: 113.3kgs
Evolve! go for it!!
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