My little love

My little love turned a whole 1 over the weekend...I love him so much. He is beautiful, energetic, curious and bloody naughty.  I love him the way I loved my husband, with a completely full heart. Sometimes its hard to love again like that, because I now look at my son and I know that his life will be whatever he makes it and I hope to the heavens he doesn't choose to be an asshole and I am sad, because inevitably someone will break his heart the way his father broke mine.


I have taken to heart the verse that says - Bring your child in the way they should go and when they are older they will nto depart from it. Its the only thing of lasting value I have to offer. Money comes and goes...people pass away...but faith is strong and everlasting.  My son...I want so much for him...

So I held him close to me and told my husband that I think my son should become a dweeb, so that he can stay with me all the time. My husband had an interesting response to that...one that I haven't really heard him speak about before. He immediately and emphatically said NO, I don't my son to be like me...he said that he wishes that he wasn't as afraid to take chances when he was younger...he should have spoken to more girls, he should have played more sports...he should have accepted the invitation to dance from a girl. It was the first time I heard of that, so I asked him what happened. It turns out when my husband was 17 he went to a party and a 15 year old girl came up to him and asked him to dance, he turned her down. Years later... he regrets it. I don't think its about the girl, I think his regret is about the road not taken. He went on to say, that he didn't the make the choices he should have made and now his making choices that is ruining lives.

I think that was of the most sincerest remorseful things I have ever heard him say...that he didn't want his son to be like him. That if he could do it all over again, he wouldn't have been so afraid to try out different things...

I feel sorry for him...to let go of what might have been, is a hard thing. You see my husband was shy to the core when he was younger. I actually liked him for this...I thought it was endearing. But as time has gone on, my husband has changed. His no longer gawky...his filled out into a full blooded latin male. His found the look that works for him and the man is hot. His got a job, thats paying a decent wage and his respected by his peers...his confidence in himself has increased and by default its like he wishes he was that guy in high school - so he tried to make it happen. He tried to recoup all the lost opportunities and moments. He tried to get the experience he wanted...not caring about the experience we agreed to share to together.

I hope we get the balance right with my son. I want him to try new things and know that its okay to be scared, but its cool to explore things. I want him to flirt and steal kisses from pretty girls, without becoming a jerk. I want my little love to have a full life...and not regret as his father regrets...

My little love is 1 and he is the best gift God ever gave me...I decided to apply for my masters and just see what happens. Even if I don't get in, I will apply elsewhere...its now or never. It will take four years, so he will be 5 years old when I am done. I should be in a better position to get a better job and take care of him myself if need be.

My husband seems so thrilled about my birthday...its on Friday and its the big 30. I wonder what his going to do. I am tempted to ask him not to put on a whole show and dance for my family if his just going to continue screwing other women. It was such a slap in the face to my family, when they welcomed him in, called him their son- only to find out that he took their trust and wiped his ass with it. Anyways, I am EXCITED about my birthday. Its the start of a new era for me...and I am feeling good ;-)

I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt

Sometimes, I think my family thinks me weak for staying. I am often told, I don't know how you do it...every now and then I hear that so and so said, that I should leave, that I should just move on. I don't know how to tell them that although its hard at the best of times, I don't stay because I am weak...I stay because I am strong. I stay because the most obvious choice is not always the right one...I stay because I choose to and not because I would feel lost without him. My staying is a choice...and its a choice I make every day and perhaps one day that decision will be different...

I have never been able to explain that adequately though, until I saw this qoute from community:

 "The meaning of self-esteem

Abed: Britta, I've got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That's why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal. (Season 1, Episode 17, "Physical Education")"

I have never watched the show - but it inspired me. I am strong enough to see this thing through to the end...I am not to weak to leave. I am not a walk over...I am steady in the storm, holding out for the long term reward instead of jumping ship for short term relief...I am not stupid nor naive...I am smart and a visionary, understanding that somethings require sacrifice at  great personal cost - so that in the fullness of time, my family and I will be blessed.  I don't stay for him...I stay for me.

For those of us, who choose to stay and do battle - I salute you for your courage even when the world doesn't always understand why...

Monthly suspicion...

I have noticed when its that time of the month, I regularly think his cheating...

Like today, his happy. Too happy for my liking...and I can't help but think that his met someone at the office (again) and his doing his best to have an affair (again) and his lying peice of shit that I can only trust  as far as I can spit (again).

The thing is that this feeling, seems to become gospel. Like I am convinced that this is what his doing, but I don't know if its just the hormones ramping up my distrust of him or if my intuition is telling me something.

I am this close to accusing him of cheating - but I don't want to get into some warped way of being, where I am constantly  accusing him of stuff.

What has happened though, is that I have decided that I want to study and sent out some queries. So if he is cheating, if he can just keep his d*ck clean for like two years, not transmit anything to me and help me with my little one, I can complete my Masters and single handedly provide a good life my son and after that my husband can do and go wherever the heck he wants...and maybe by then I would view my marriage differently.

Its been 1 year and 4 months since D Day and I knew it was going to be tough, but I thought that it would be easier. They say its take about 4 years to heal...I wonder if thats true. At least I am not constantly crying anymore and can make it through the week generally unscathed. We seem to be more intune with each other...but around this time of month I always wonder if its a farce.

I wonder sometimes if he cares about how his hurt me...but then maybe this time next week when the monthly monster is gone I'll feel a lot better...

His installed a tracking programme on his phone

So while I am still processing the whole cousin in jail thing...my husband has moved back into our bedroom. Its been a weird space for me. He stood at the door, with his pillow folded against his chest and asked if he could come back. He had done all he promised to do, since our revisiting of our agreement...but I have been afraid. I have been afraid that once again his lying...that his managing to pull the wool over my eyes and I will be led down the proverbial garden path. There is nothing he can do to assure me that this is not the case...in fact I feel like- never again will I ever assume my husbands fedility...instead I would need to change how I see my future.

The hardest part is embracing the unknown. I am a planner. I plan for this and that...I have lists and contingencies for just in case. I am constantly calculating the costs of mistakes and weighing the options on how to move forward towards success...I have been struggling to do with my marriage. My head tells me, that once a cheater always cheater. That if I stay, I will regret it...because eventually he will let me down again, regardless of he says now. There is so much to lose if I stay...and yet I believe that the rewards could be phenominal if I stay and he remains faithful and our relationship goes from strength to strength...there is so much joy and happiness that could be waiting on the other side- but I haven't been able to reconcile the rewards with the risk that I would be taking if I stayed. Until I saw this pic, the other day:

I stilled and finally I felt at peace. The right question at the right time, is as a good as gold. I can't know what the future holds, regardless of how much I plan, debate and review our agreements...but in my heart I know that this is the right thing to do.  Perhaps my right thing will be different in the years to come, but for now - the right thing is to try again.

So as he stood there, pillow in hand - I asked him if he would faithful and honest- of course he said yes. He held me close...perhaps knowing how close he came to being permanently asked to live in the 2nd room.

On saturday, he says he has something to show me and shows me this tracking programme on his phone and mine, so that I could always see where he was. Of course I stood there and thought, well he could have a second phone or he could "forget" his phone at work while he does heaven knows what...but I decided to be gracious and accept it for what it seems...a peace offering from an imperfect man to an imperfect woman.


"‘The latter glory of this house will be greater than the former,’ says the LORD of hosts, ‘and in this place I will give peace,’ declares the LORD of hosts.”Haggai 2:9

The unkindness of Christians...

This week has been quite a week...we had our first event with a well known magazine, I rode on the train for the first time in years, I invited my husband back into our bedroom and I found out that my cousin is in prison...

While all of it seemed unrelated, there seems to be consistent reality that I have been confronted with...

We're unkind to those who love us and we're unkind to ourselves. We're unkind to strangers and perhaps give the best of who we are to fleeting aquitances...why?

At this swish event, I was sick- but sometimes you need to bite the bullet and paste on a smile - the chief editor was so kind to me...she didn't need to be...afterwards I took the train home. A man and his family boarded the train. They were begging for money. Now, our city is teeming with people whose sole purpose is to scam you, but they were different. Carrying a real deal newspaper article, they were about to lose their home...nobody even looked their way...to busy ignoring the quiet dignity of the man, doing his best to save his house. I scooped the little change I had and gave it him...next a young man stood at the train door, while the train was preparing to leave the station. An old woman carrying 4 shopping bags did her best to get to the door and the young man tried to keep it open but he wasn't strong enough. Nobody stirred...nobody cared. She would have to wait another 30 minutes for the next train and by that time, the city would be dark and dangerous. I stood up and kept it open with him, while the men around me stared into nothingness...why is it so hard for us to be kind?  Has it really gotten so bad, that we refuse to do anything for nothing?...

My cousin is in Pollsmoor prison...his father once was in prison for murder. My aunt tried her best by him...we all did. Those of us with money and connections offered rehab and job opportunities...none of it took. So now his in prison for stealing a card swipe machine...he sleeps amongst rapists and murderers...I remember when he was younger. He was such a beautiful boy...meditterean colouring with gorgeous curls. There was such promise and for a moment, we thought that he would be able to get over his dad and live an amazing life. But he chose differently. He chose drugs and running with drug dealers and thieves. My mom told me today, that he called my aunt from prison...I don't want to know what he had to do, to use someones smuggled in cellphone...he begged her for bail money...she refused. After a lifetime of rescuing him from himself, she finally had enough. His an adult man now and there is nothing more that she can do... So now my aunt, had to tell her only child that she won't bail him out and she left him there. No mom should ever have to make that kind of choice...

Why has he been so unkind to himself? Didn't he believe that he was worth so much more, than the short lived thrills of drugs and scoring. If he didn't care about himself...what his mom, couldn't he pulled it together for her?

And now what kind of life will he have once he leaves prison...prison changes a man. Will I want him around my child...will he be worse than when he went in? I can't see how he could not be...all I want is to ask him why??

I thought this week, that majority of people I saw on the train and definitely my family would consider themselves Christians. Now I will be the first to say, that I am christian because I am in sore need of a redeemer - but part of our Christian journey is to rolemodel christ to others...how we can divorce our beliefs from our daily actions so easily or have we come so used to Sunday Christians...

We need to begin to love ourselves enough and be drenched in the love of Christ again. We will find that the love of God will overflow and we will in turn can not help but be kind to not ourselves but to those around us.

My husband once asked me, why does he need to give to the poor. If he was poor nobody would give to him...I told him this: An act of kindness is not a reflection of how deserving the person is, that you are giving to. Its a reflection of who you are in Christ".

Hiding Porn in Hardrives

Things are going well over at our house. My husband scoured the place and found 15 harddrives- thats right 15!!! hardrives...these little schmucks have become the bane of my existence. Each one has the capacity to store hundreds if not thousands of porn related crap. I will never forget the first time the first time he confessed that he had porn saved on a hard drive. He told me, that he had around 400 clips selected out of the the thousands he had been watching. Before then, I never gave much thought to hard drives...but in that moment everything changed. Hard drives...

So leading up to the great expulsion, I started getting antsy. Last year, he told me he would get rid of them..back when I still thought there was only 4. But this year, I have been seeing pieces everywhere. On the floor of our car, in my sons cupboards and in our bedroom...everywhere, everywhere...laughing at my ingnorance because I don't understand the world he moves in. Its not fair, when your husband is a complete techie...he thrives off buying anything electronic. We have damn gadgets all over the place...a hobby I once thought endearing, has become a threat. I don't understand what I see...and the little bastards taunt me every time I lay eyes on it.

And thats what I told him...I told him, he can't expect me to understand every freaking motherboard, hard drive, computer part I see. My understanding is limited and before he thinks that thats a great thing, he should understand that my position is, is that if I don't understand what I am seeing, I will assume its for porn. Unfair, I know - but he has used my ignorance against me before, but never again. So he went through the house and through the shed and found 15 hard drives...it looked as if he was pain, when he threw them away. In my heart, I was glad. With every thunk in the bin, I began to feel less claustrophobic...let those little bastards  taunt me from the local rubbish heap LOL

And just as I was about to begin my benovolent speech on how well he has done...he says..."um I haven't checked our bedroom though"... and I thought well, thats about that then. I refuse to settle again. The last time, I took him back in good faith that he would deliver on his promises regardless if whether they were on 60% done...but not now. So he hasn't checked our bedroom...okay, so until he does I won't be inviting him back into it. I haven't told him that though...I would like him to just do it, because thats part of a promise he made. So we will see how long it takes for him to check out bedroom...

15 hardrives...4 flashdrives...hells bells man...how much storage does one man need?

#12 Things I can't say out loud

Don't you hate it, when you wipe your ass and your finger goes through the loo paper...and then to make it worse crap finds itself in the little bit where the fingernail meets skin.

I spend the next 10 minutes scrabbing my finger nail, so that my hand does not smell like crap...I sniff it compusively for the following 5 minutes to make sure that it doesn't...

And thats what his infidelity sometimes feels like to me...a shitty hand, that even scrubbed.. is suspiciously looked at...just in case.

When an addict becomes a bully

We finally had our review of our contract...which apparently he doesn't like me calling it that, but at any rate. I had putting it off for ages and finally it was time. So I told him that there were things that I thought I would be okay with, but Im not. Im not okay with all his endless storage gadgets of hardrives and flashdrives...I am not okay with his emails and that its time to delete and let go of things that are getting in the way of our healing.
So his agreed by next week to delete all extra emails. He will have only 1 personal email. He will going through the house and shed and bringing all his electronics into one space. He will be getting rid of extra storage that he doesn't need. Very soon my cousins are love him...

I think the hardest and perhaps biggest thing on my heart to talk to him about is how he treats our 11th month old son.

My husband is an amazing man - but his quick temper is something to behold. I think his years of porn addiction made this worse. Quick to anger and mean spirited would be a defining charateristic if he thought he wasn't getting his way. To everyone else, he was the gentle and kind...but I have seen him at his worst and suffice to say, his not a saint.

 Over the years I have spoken to him about it and he tries and tries and has improved. Last year when he gave his heart to God, there was tremendous change and his been doing well for the most part...except when our son wakes up in the middle of night and its his turn to look after him. The language is horrendous and aggresive and every now and then I have made mention of my concerns, but this time I gave it to him straight.

I told him, his bullying our child. If my son was 7 foot tall, he wouldn't speak to him that way. If it was me that woke him up, he wouldn't dare address me like that...but suddenly with our son it different. He tried to laugh it off, clearly uncomfortable - but I told him that he might find it funny, but does he see me laughing? After that I got his attention. For the next two minutes, I explained to him that no one is born a perfect parent. We all make mistakes and we all do our best. The thing though is, is that the kind of parent we become is based on our daily engagement with our children. So what he does now with our son, its only going to get worse in future. We don't suddenly change when our children grow older.

After ensuring that he understood how serious I am, I told that I understand that neither of us came from perfect households and we didn't exactly have great rolemodels to know what great parenting looks like - but we should go to workshops and seminars on how to manage being good parents and tips on how to manage kids when you're short tempered.  Ever since, his gone through great lengths to practice patience with him...I will be watching closely, but I think his finally got how much it has disturbed me and what I will do if it carries on.

So I just about feel ready to have him move back in - but I won't do it until he keeps his end of the bargain and starts chucking stuff that no longer should be in our home. We'll see how long it takes him to honor his committment. So ja good things  - nothing like a good colonic...