My little love

My little love turned a whole 1 over the weekend...I love him so much. He is beautiful, energetic, curious and bloody naughty.  I love him the way I loved my husband, with a completely full heart. Sometimes its hard to love again like that, because I now look at my son and I know that his life will be whatever he makes it and I hope to the heavens he doesn't choose to be an asshole and I am sad, because inevitably someone will break his heart the way his father broke mine.


I have taken to heart the verse that says - Bring your child in the way they should go and when they are older they will nto depart from it. Its the only thing of lasting value I have to offer. Money comes and goes...people pass away...but faith is strong and everlasting.  My son...I want so much for him...

So I held him close to me and told my husband that I think my son should become a dweeb, so that he can stay with me all the time. My husband had an interesting response to that...one that I haven't really heard him speak about before. He immediately and emphatically said NO, I don't my son to be like me...he said that he wishes that he wasn't as afraid to take chances when he was younger...he should have spoken to more girls, he should have played more sports...he should have accepted the invitation to dance from a girl. It was the first time I heard of that, so I asked him what happened. It turns out when my husband was 17 he went to a party and a 15 year old girl came up to him and asked him to dance, he turned her down. Years later... he regrets it. I don't think its about the girl, I think his regret is about the road not taken. He went on to say, that he didn't the make the choices he should have made and now his making choices that is ruining lives.

I think that was of the most sincerest remorseful things I have ever heard him say...that he didn't want his son to be like him. That if he could do it all over again, he wouldn't have been so afraid to try out different things...

I feel sorry for him...to let go of what might have been, is a hard thing. You see my husband was shy to the core when he was younger. I actually liked him for this...I thought it was endearing. But as time has gone on, my husband has changed. His no longer gawky...his filled out into a full blooded latin male. His found the look that works for him and the man is hot. His got a job, thats paying a decent wage and his respected by his peers...his confidence in himself has increased and by default its like he wishes he was that guy in high school - so he tried to make it happen. He tried to recoup all the lost opportunities and moments. He tried to get the experience he wanted...not caring about the experience we agreed to share to together.

I hope we get the balance right with my son. I want him to try new things and know that its okay to be scared, but its cool to explore things. I want him to flirt and steal kisses from pretty girls, without becoming a jerk. I want my little love to have a full life...and not regret as his father regrets...

My little love is 1 and he is the best gift God ever gave me...I decided to apply for my masters and just see what happens. Even if I don't get in, I will apply elsewhere...its now or never. It will take four years, so he will be 5 years old when I am done. I should be in a better position to get a better job and take care of him myself if need be.

My husband seems so thrilled about my birthday...its on Friday and its the big 30. I wonder what his going to do. I am tempted to ask him not to put on a whole show and dance for my family if his just going to continue screwing other women. It was such a slap in the face to my family, when they welcomed him in, called him their son- only to find out that he took their trust and wiped his ass with it. Anyways, I am EXCITED about my birthday. Its the start of a new era for me...and I am feeling good ;-)