Multiple Passwords...Multiple problems

My husband was always fanatical about passwords. He laughed at me, when I revealed how simple mine was...after all, it just needs to be difficult enough for someone not to guess off hand and easy enough for a bit scatter brain to remember...I will never forget how committed and serious he was about passwords...

Fast forward two years later and I know why that son of bitch was fanatical about passwords. During the fall out, I discovered accounts...it was hard because even if I could guess it what accounts he had, the password stopped me. It wasn't proof enough if the login screen automatically started his email address - it happens all the time.

Passwords...

When I made the amnesty deal...that everything he said was up for forgiveness, if only he would be honest. It was a time limited deal and he took advantage...he gave me his passwords. There must have been at least 7 or 8 of them and the kicker was that they were all variations...and these variations would change every 3 months. I didn't stand a chance...

The other day he needs to log onto webmail (DID YOU KNOW THAT WEBMAIL WILL NOT DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT- WHAT ASSHOLES) anyways, he pauses over the keypad as I sit next him. I had given up the pretense of not watching and stared at his long fingers as they hovered over the key board.  I could almost hear the whirring in his brain - which one was it...what if he put in a password he hadn't given me before...high drama indeed. He typed in a password I was familiar with and he shoulders sagged with relief when it went through...

Passwords are good, but be careful if your partner has multiple passwords for multiple things. Anybody that security conscience is hiding something.

I literally taught myself to read code to catch him

To this day, I assume he had other accounts he never told me about... I have lost the advantage of surprise and he has learnt that his naive wife can be an investigative journalist when the need strikes. If he has accounts, it won't be under his name anymore...

But I watch those passwords...he hasn't changed them in looong time. But I am patient and I'll wait and if there is change, you better bet you ass- that I will find what it unlocks...

Piece of my heart - Janis Joplin

Saying no to mediocre bullshit from our husbands

He took the leftover money from my engagement ring and bought the services of a prostitute with it. I liked my engagement ring - it was modest (small) and a nice cut (small) and at least it didn't turn my finger green (real). Afterwards I wondered if he really bought me the best he could or whether he just bought me something because it was available.

When things went to shit, I took my wedding ring off and to this day I haven't put it back on. That was 2 years and 2 months ago. No tan line is left of what used to be...

As I vacillate between staying and going, one thing has remained clear. That I expect another proposal...and this time, his going to have to give his best. I don't know when I started accepting sub standard behavior and sub standard investment in our relationship - but f*ck him, this time round I am sending the shit back to the kitchen. Why because I am worth of quality...

We're doing date nights now and it has started off really well - but there might com

"OH MY WORD GUYS - MY BOSS JUST CAME TO SIT AT MY DESK AND SAW THIS POST. IF ANYTHING SHE READ THE FIRST SENTENCE FREEEK OUT!!!!  - I AM SO EMBARRASSED. I am sitting here shaking my head and my face is just get super hot....shit man...anyways, its my lunch break....maybe I should go for a walk SMH....

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Well now, as I was saying - there might come a time, when he doesn't want to invest time into thinking about it or planning anything and thats not going to end well, because I am not accepting his mediocre shit anymore...

The only problem, is that sometimes I feel like a nag. Because I speak up more readily and more often - but thats his problem, not mine.

I am on my way to being a partner that demands quality investment and genuine time and I think thats' a good start :-)

Little Girl Blue - Janis Joplin

How much would you sacrifice for your child?

I hate being sick. When I am sick all the bad thoughts I normally keep at bay keeps flooding back. I notice Miss Abby Jacobs facebook is no longer active. I wonder if they found my posts...whether her husband contacted mine to verify what happened, like I did with her. I would hope that he would tell me - after all there is nothing wrong with verification. Anyways...down in the dolldrums I keep thinking about what my sister told me...

Two months ago, she looked at me and declared " You are different"... "You are harder and I have forgiven your husband for that, but I miss the way you used to be". You see I am the rainbows and happily ever after type. I believed the best about everyone...seriously, thats why I am a counsellor - because I believe in an individuals ability to reach beyond themselves and live their best life. In my world, everyone was a hero...everyone was a star. My husband being one of the greatest...

I didn't think that anyone really noticed that my eyes no longer soften, that my smile is not quite as forthcoming and that I no longer argue when someone insists that they have met an asshole. Instead I tilt my head and silently agree that they probably have.

I mourn the loss of my heart and joy. Its criminal what my husband has done...he has robbed me of me. I wonder if his sorry...I hope he is.

I thought again today about why I have stayed. Will it all be worth it in the end, if my son has a father who can teach him how to be a man even though its based on the experience that was the foundation of my heartbreak. The winter months are coming and its getting colder now - it leaves much to much time for introspection and mind wandering thoughts about how my life could be different if I just took my son and left.

If only I could know for sure whether he loved me. Whether he was faithful and true...but wishing for this, is like wishing for the moon. Maybe the day will come when I finally know for sure how my husband feels for me...but for now, perhaps its enough to know how much I love my son.

How to love the unfaithful

My crying baby woke me this morning.Resentfully I stared at my husband certain he could hear our son. I gingerly got up, made him a bottle and got back into bed...cold and tired I dreamed that I was throwing my husband a birthday party and then proceeded to hand him an envelope with a note that said, "I want a divorce". I told him that since he wanted his freedom so badly, obviously this would be the best gift for him.

I determinedly pushed the dream aside, but it was to late- my mood had already changed. I woke up feeling bitchy, irritable and spoiling for a fight...

I managed to pull myself back from the precipice in the nick of time  thinking that yes he messed up before, but his doing okay now. And that thought alone has become a key mantra - its hard living with the reformed unfaithful - somethings can not be undone and some hearts will never completely heal, so what do you do? Well, I need to remind myself that just as he needs to work on his recovery, so do I.

I need to actively decide to forgive every day, when I feel like flogging him for choices he made in the past. I am in my second year of recovery now - and yet there are days when it feels like just yesterday I opened his facebook account and saw how my heart was betrayed.

I am still afraid that I will see an email,sms or internet cookie that spells out what he has been doing...and I am even more terrified that I won't. So how do you love the unfaithful, after you made the decision to stay in midst of such compelling fear? Well, I saw this show once when the pastor was talking about the different types of love. The one that got my attention, was Agape Love. The kind of love that is based on a decision and not a feeling.

I can decide to love my my husband, even though I might not always feel it and because of that - my love is constant - it does not waiver with the tug and pull of jealousy and rage. My love is a choice and therefore I can decide whether he is worthy or not - and I can decide when its worth the sacrifice or not. No other love can help a marriage like this - our husbands turned away because they thought that erotic love and sexual feelings for another somehow was more substantial than home you built together. While erotic love has its place, its the level headed Agape kind that really binds us together.

What I have found is that as I love him with my head, my heart has been given space to warm to his embrace without feeling the pressure to have to "feel" the love. And so genuine healing happens at its own pace and time, without the burden of having to romantically love someone, who didn't love you enough when it should have mattered most.

His worried and it feels delicious

My husband is handsome. His Portuguese through and through. Inky black hair, green grey eyes. Broad shoulders and a walk that would make a girls heart skip a beat. As his grown older, his only gotten even more good looking. He has never truly realised this about himself, but I knew. And so I was jealous...I questioned relationships and took note when his gaze seemed to linger a little bit longer than what it should.

It hurt that he never really seemed to get jealous or possessive around me. Even when I told him that I was in touch with an ex of mine, he simply shrugged it off.This wasn't new - I had caught the eye of a good looking man every now and then, but my husband just didn't seem to give a damn. And it hurt...it hurt that he wasn't possessive-it hurt that he felt that I was such a sure bet. Of course now I know that the reason his eye wasn't on me, was because his eye was on someone else.

And introducing my young hot driving instructor post discovery...

To be frank I don't see it, but the other day my husband met him and it was the first time I heard a little bit of a "tone" in the voice. My instructor while I thought reminded me a lot of the gangly dude on criminal minds, my husband thought he could pass for a model. And that's when I started realising that someone was a bit jealous...this morning he remarked that I seemed excited...why am I excited. Of course we both know that I have another driving lesson today. It was the first time, my husband questioned me and I love it.

I love it because it means that his more invested in our relationship now than what he was two years ago. I am feeling good about it, because I have his attention..finally.

I don't want my husband to worry about whether or not I am sleeping around - but it can only be healthy for him to know he can't take me for-granted. And that feels delicious... High 5!!

Infidelity is infectious

My friend approached me last night for advice on marriage counsellors...her marriage is falling apart and I felt the surprising urge to run away.

We sat opposite each other and she spilled her life out before me - I felt something akin to an anxiety attack. It was so bad that I had to sit still for a minute and hope for the feeling to go away. I heard as she told me about this this other woman...and my throat felt it was closing in on itself. I fought the urge just to tell her to stop talking...I don't want to hear it.

I feel bad that I don't to hear it - I don't know why. I research and research and read all my online friends blogs with only empathy, but with a living person in front of me- all I want to do is close my eyes and make it go away.  Is it to close to home? I know it sounds crazy, but its almost as if I think its infectious and if I stick around long enough my marriage is going to catch it...again.

Its often said that when a couple divorces, their couple friends disappear - it makes me one if they to get itchy and start back tracking like a mom from a child when she discovers they have lice.

My husband and I didn't have any couple friends to speak of really - so we didn't feel the loss of anyone, but the fear is real.

Anyways, so I sat and listened. I went home and told me husband. He had the sensitivity to say, that he knows that I am going to be watching him like a hawk - but he doesn't why. I am scared. I am scared that while I am doing the best I can, once again his being asshole and flash of boob or bum will be enough for him to cheat. I am scared that once again it will be years again before I find out...

My friend will never know how deeply I feel her heartbreak...and how much I wish I wasn't.