My friend approached me last night for advice on marriage counsellors...her marriage is falling apart and I felt the surprising urge to run away.
We sat opposite each other and she spilled her life out before me - I felt something akin to an anxiety attack. It was so bad that I had to sit still for a minute and hope for the feeling to go away. I heard as she told me about this this other woman...and my throat felt it was closing in on itself. I fought the urge just to tell her to stop talking...I don't want to hear it.
I feel bad that I don't to hear it - I don't know why. I research and research and read all my online friends blogs with only empathy, but with a living person in front of me- all I want to do is close my eyes and make it go away. Is it to close to home? I know it sounds crazy, but its almost as if I think its infectious and if I stick around long enough my marriage is going to catch it...again.
Its often said that when a couple divorces, their couple friends disappear - it makes me one if they to get itchy and start back tracking like a mom from a child when she discovers they have lice.
My husband and I didn't have any couple friends to speak of really - so we didn't feel the loss of anyone, but the fear is real.
Anyways, so I sat and listened. I went home and told me husband. He had the sensitivity to say, that he knows that I am going to be watching him like a hawk - but he doesn't why. I am scared. I am scared that while I am doing the best I can, once again his being asshole and flash of boob or bum will be enough for him to cheat. I am scared that once again it will be years again before I find out...
My friend will never know how deeply I feel her heartbreak...and how much I wish I wasn't.
When I first started going to S-Anon I felt the same way. I triggered from the women's stories. Then when I got a sponsee, it really hit me hard. Hearing the details in depth was tough. I was afraid it was all going to happen to us again. It was so close to home now. I listened to my sponsee's tales and after a week or two, I settled down. I realized I was putting her problems onto me. I had to detach from her life and make it hers. If that makes sense?
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry your friend is going through such a tough time and so are you. Many hugs.
Makes complete sense!! I think it's key to detach as you said otherwise it's going to hurt our friendship.Will the impact of their unfaithfulness ever end
ReplyDelete