Your flirting makes me sick

My husband is flirting with me and it makes me mad...

Let me explain. My porn addict of a husband is the quite unassuming type. The video gamer, who gets excited about blu ray movies and graphic novels. The ultimate geek. I thought I knew him. I thought he wasn't interested in other women, either being to shy, to committed or not interested enough to pursue the other sex.

I was wrong.

The thread that eventually led to the unravelling of our marriage and the discovery of his porn addiction was when I read his conversation thread on Facebook with another woman. At first it seemed innocent enough, but then the conversation went on for hours and took on a decidedly flirty tone. At one point, she exclaims that she doesn't understand why so many men want to talk to her online while she is talking to my husband and he responds by saying that he is willing to stand in line- my low key, unassuming snake of a husband. He goes onto  to say how much he digs her attitude and how much he enjoys their exchanges - I had never seen him before like this. I have never seen him so much as glance at another woman. I have to admit, I knew that his job was undemanding, but I thought he filled in his time playing online games and watching movies (his an IT administrator). I had never seen my husband in action before and OH MY WORD I can only imagine what his other conversations were like, if this was just the beginning.

I have had to change the way I see him. He is a flirt, a charmer - a womanising jerk. He is everything I hoped to avoid. His the proverbial player and I can't stand it. How did I find myself in this position? And now he flirts with me and all it does is remind me that this is how he is with any woman.Slick and sweet. I'm not special, I just happen to be around. He doesn't want to get divorced, but neither does he want to be faithful. He wants it all and by getting it, he has tainted our love. Now his turning on the charm...getting slightly naughty in his insinuations and I just want to gag. I wish I could tell him to stop, but then I think that if he didn't flirt with me, I would be upset because in mind, clearly his tons of sexual energy is being spent somewhere. And maybe if I just push through - one day, he will flirt with me and I will just enjoy it, instead of thinking of every woman he talked this way with.

But for now, I am repulsed. I am not one his women. I am not a slut looking for a quick lay. I need safety in a relationship in order to feel comfortable sexually. I am sleeping with the enemy, which is hard enough - please don't ask me to flirt you in email. I want to scream. I want throw something at him - I want to move out and move on with my life. Isn't there some corny phrase, about setting something free and if it comes back then its meant to be? That's how I feel...I want to set us free. I feel bad because it means that he might miss out on our sons development and plus being a single mom is really tough and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But if I could know for sure, that my son and I would be okay financially. That my husband and son would still have a great bond and my son wouldn't feel like he doesn't have a proper dad, I would leave today.

....

The other man...

Every now and then, I find myself wondering into dangerous territory. You see, I have started noticing this other guy...

I found myself  looking (okay staring) at him and wondering how different my life would have been if I had married him instead. We're so alike, we have so much in common and his pretty good looking to boot. In a different world, I can really see myself having relationship with this guy and I imagine it would have been wonderful. I feel so guilty about how I am feeling. I know that in life, we will all meet people that could have been our spouses - but I wish I could just turn it off for a little bit. I feel like its messing with my intent to be as objective as possible, when it comes to waiting to see where my marriage will go. When I think of him and new possibilities, I am filled with...longing for something less complicated that what I have now. I want something trauma free, where I can just be myself again. A new man presents that opportunity. I bet he wouldn't expose me to STD's...he wouldn't give himself away to as many women as possible, while I wait for him at home. I bet I could trust him...

So now I am playing cat and mouse with myself. When I catch myself thinking of him, I deliberately change my track of thought. This morning, I thought that maybe if I journal about it, it would make it easier. I don't want to think about other men and yet its soooo hard when I consider what my life would be like without my traitorous husband by my side. I just want to start over. I want to divorce and see what happens. Would we still want to be with each other? Would my then ex-husband return to form and having tons of sex with numerous women? And if what if he did? Surely, it would be good, because whatever we do when we're apart would be testimony to whats really in our hearts. If we got divorced, I wouldn't be going around offering myself to strange men. I want to know who he would be, without the constraints of marriage - because thats my husband in his true form and I need to know who that man is...

I know they say the reason why the grass is greener on the other side, is because there is more shit - but seriously, the other side of fence is looking pretty good to me. It couldn't possibly be any worse than the crap I am wading in now. Maybe, just maybe, the grass is looking greener on the side, because IT IS GREENER.

To make matters, I am starting to have flashbacks of my favourite "scenes" from M&B books. Its my sex showreel of hot and heavy stuff. I try to change track when it comes up, but its getting harder and harder. Last night was a little tough. I allowed it float in my conscience to long and then I struggled to get rid of it. It called to me to relax, close my eyes and get swept away. My husband and I haven't had sex in maybe a week - maybe thats the problem. I have found that when my hubby and I don't regularly have sex, the temptation gets a lot stronger.

Lord, protect my eyes and thoughts. The temptation is strong and I don't know what to do...

The causalities of war

The beat that drums within my breast,inspires me- lifts me - opens me to a world of feeling and thought.

I literally have a soundtrack to my life. At any given life event, I could tell you what I was listening and dancing to. Music has entwined itself to my state of conscience, so much that we are one. In moments of great joy and sadness music comes to the fore - it flashes through me as means of expression as what I am really feeling. 

There has been some surprise discoveries this past year - the biggest being when I went to my husbands place of work, to take a good look at his mistress, the soundtrack was " A little less conversation" by Elvis Presley. I couldn't believe, but that is my "I am about to kick your ass" track. I discovered Adele (who at first I HATED because she liked it and I thought she was sending my husband messages through songs) - but the lyrics caught my heart and I decided it wasn't Adele's fault that even ho's like her music.

And just like I have had music hero's that have comforted me, I have some of my most beloved soldiers die out in the field. I can't bear listening to Jill Scott anymore. I have always associated my husband with "He loves me" - its a beautifully written and heartfelt song about how I felt about my husband and now...now its just absurd. To listen to it now, feels as if I left my raw heart open to flayed. I can't bear it. I deleted all her music. I just can't see myself ever listening to her again. It reminds me to much of how much I loved him, while he was loving some one else...

Another is Michael Buble - Michael was the romantic soundtrack of our lives. My husband took me to his concert once and " L.O.V.E" was our wedding song.  Since then I have found out that, the concert was shortly after his first affair with a co-worker (he denies he bought the tickets because he felt guilty...I don't believe him) - looking back at our wedding song, thinking that for that whole year he was sleeping around and picking women up, just makes a joke of it. I can't separate him tearing up at our wedding to this track, while knowing that he betrayed me over and over again.  Now its Christmas time and I see promotions for Michaels new Christmas CD and my stomach rolls. I hope he doesn't try and buy me the CD to make me happy, because I'm gonna have to tell him - that I don't ever want to listen his music ever again.

I loved them both, but they gotta go. The killing fields of marriage is littered with my love, hopes and dreams. I don't know if I will miss them, but c'est le vie - the soundtrack to my life will go on.

The knowing...

I made it...its xmas and I didn't kill my husband in his sleep or chop off his happy bits and play go fetch with it. Has it really  been 9 months...feels like it was yesterday. 

In my mind xmas has become the finishing line. If I can just reach it, it would be like this mess of a year is finally over and maybe I can move on to the next phase. So I am planning my holiday meals and decorations, dreaming of the family table - hoping that when the day comes I will exhale and all the tragedy will simply be something that happened in 2011. 

Looking back, its hard to be grateful when I have hurt so much and yet its an undeniable fact that I am in a much better position to take care of myself and my child then I was ever before. I know now the shadowy darkness that lurks and awaits us...the boogeyman masquerading as a friend...I know now...

The knowing has weighed heavily on me, but I believe that God will see me through. The other day my husband informs me that the local TV station will be introducing three new porn channels. It would have been easily accessible to my husband and I realised just how much more horrific things would have become and believe me when I say - that that's saying something. Did God know it was coming? He must have... He drew the line in the sand and said, "NO FURTHER". Our walls are up and our guns are loaded - my husband said that when he heard the news, some of that old curiosity crept back...now we're standing on the wall tops and pouring down flaming tar - if we hadn't known- Like thieves, porn would have slipped through the night, snuck into our beds and killed us in our sleep. But we know now...and we're ready.

I will clothe myself in the armour of God. I will wait and listen for His voice - I WILL FIGHT